Revolution: Hard Metal Penetration(c) vs. Cerberus-Tag Team Titles-I Quit Match

[Richard Blonoff]

This one isn't going to be pretty. Two hated teams square off in a match that has been witnessed only once in tag team history. Will the popular Hard Metal Penetration thrust their way to victory or will Cerberus claw and bite their way to a record tying second championship reign?

Deadline is Friday, January 23rd at 11:59PM CST. Extensions available upon request.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Deadline has been extended by 24 hours.

 

[Miko]

The War Machine had been totally conquered. Never had it been manhandled like that before. Flex Mussel had dismantled it in record time, showing an appetite for destruction that could match S.H.I.T's own.

It was enough to make S.H.I.T feel obsolete, out of date. More than anything, it was enough to make it feel bored, to make it feel useless. This was a new sort of emotion, if it could be truly considered an emotion. S.H.I.T had no concept of it before, it could only imitate what it had seen from others when they had felt the same.

So, here it was, watching 'Eliminator 2; Conviction Day' surrounded by junk food. It hadn't mastered the art of consuming the junk food, resulting in chocolate, popcorn and other less savoury things smeared all over its head, in the place that normally occupies a bone chilling, spine tingling snarl, if you looked closely you'd see that its eyes weren't their normal shade of red, instead looking more of a pink colour, as though they are fading away. The film seemed a light affair, two 'Eliminators' send back from the future, one to 'Eliminate' the Human leader of the resistance before he could become a threat, and the other, bizarrely, to protect the idiot child. S.H.I.T couldn't fathom why they didn't simply team up to Eliminate the Human race while they had they chance, due to their innate superiority. It deduced that the larger, older model with the strange accent had been hacked and reprogrammed, the poor creature, S.H.I.T had itself undergone such treatment, resulting in it being the heavy duty member of the Apostles of Chaos.

The film was reaching its conclusion and the inferior but plucky robot that was learning Human emotion was succumbing to the superiority of of its adversary, it continues to fight the good fight, but the opposition is just too much for it, the red lights in its eyes flicker out as the other jams a metal pole right through it and moves on to finish its mission, surely victorious. S.H.I.T wondered if at that final moment, the vanquished Machine had realised its innate inferiority, realised that it was time to give it up, realised that it was old, out of date, and had no place trying to compete with the future, the advanced models.

That same feeling it had been lapsing into since winning at Kingdom Come, to further cement its legacy... as a tag-a-long.

At that moment the door to the basement burst open and Alhazred charged into the room, looking as dirty and disheveled as normal, behind him comes a rather clunky looking ridiculous monstrosity, an impractical device as S.H.I.T had ever seen. A cardboard box covered its frame, arms hid by tinfoil and another box on its head, on its face were badly cut out eye-holes and a terrible smile, drawn in lipstick. S.H.I.T gave Alhazred a quizzical look.

What... is this thing?

Alhazred beamed, "her name is S.Q.U.I.R.T..." he started, before S.H.I.T noticed something over the monstrosities shoulder. The Eliminator, the inferior one, had switched itself back on, more than that, it was armed and riding a conveyer belt for another confrontation with its liquid metal counterpart. S.H.I.T watched, almost in awe, as the Human mother in an effort to protect her child fired shot after shot into the E-1000 coming up one bullet short, just in time for the E-800 to fire a grenade into the thing. As the E-1000 fell to its termination in the molten steel below, S.H.I.T thought there was something Human in its anguish... and later, when the E-800 would subject itself to the same fate, it would accept it far more gracefully.

What? It said, suddenly aware that Alhazred had been talking the whole time.

Before Alhazred can reply the front door bursts open and some random men in suits charge in and kidnap the disgusting monstrosity, carrying it out length ways through the door.

"Get them!" Alhazred screams. S.H.I.T makes a grab for the nearest one, but he is slippery like an eel and gets out of the Machines grasp. "To the van!"

--------- ---------------- ---------

The enemy van skids round a corner with Alhazred's van right on its tail, they make several attempts to shake him off but the mad scientist is far too practised at stalking people from his van to be lost so easily.

"Haha, I am far too practised at stalking people from my van to be lost so easily!"

S.H.I.T, still curious as to why they are bothering to chase at all, can only nod, before leaning back out of the window and firing another bunch of stray cats at the enemy van with the Catlauncher3000, missing wildly, the cats land on a homeless man and immediately make his life even worse.

"Try this!" Said Alhazred, handing S.H.I.T a smaller Catlauncher, this one is marked 'the Catlauncher 4000'. "Much better than that old model, more accurate as well."

S.H.I.T let out an audible sigh. "Don't worry buddy," said Alhazred, putting his hand on S.H.I.T's own for some reason, "we'll get her back."

Before S.H.I.T can ask what Alhazred means they take a violent swerve into a shopping mall, the enemy van drivers obviously thinking that they can shake the 'perverted pair' by risking civilian lives. If they thought Alhazred was worried about civilian lives however, they were mistaken.

"If they think I am worried about civilian lives, they are mistaken!" Said Alhazred, putting his foot down as they crash through a jewelry stand amidst the screams of those having to jump out of the way.

S.H.I.T leans out of the window to fire again as Alhazred and the pursued crash through a holiday store, S.H.I.T fires again, hitting the mark this time as the cats begin their attack on the enemy van. S.H.I.T comes back into the van to reload and realises that somehow it had acquired a Sombrero and a pair of sunglasses. Shrugging this off it leans out to fire again as they drive through an off-license, firing again, and this time comes back in with a lighted cigarette in its mouth.

The chase continues as the enemy burst out of the shopping centre and drive through a fuel station, they knock over some of the pumps as the pursuers get closer.

Look out, Alhazred. Fuel pumps!

"Got 'em!" He cried, driving straight through the remaining ones. "Hey! You don't smoke!" He reached over and snatched the cigarette out of the Machines mouth and threw it out of the window. The sounds of an explosion got dwindled in the distance.

The chase continues as the Sun is visibly lower in the sky, and Alhazred's beard has grown out somewhat. The going is much harder for both sets of drivers as they are now trying to navigate a desert, Alhazred's van going on two wheels as they hit a rock. S.H.I.T glanced at its partner, now with pit stains and strained eyes but looking as determined as ever, the whole journey he'd been badmouthing Cerberus, as though they were behind this somehow.

S.H.I.T is again going to ask why they are bothering with this chase when a new sound interrupts, the kind of sound you get when you stick a piece of plastic in the wheel of a bicycle. S.H.I.T realises that they are being pursued by a helicopter, Alhazred comes to the same realisation, without even blinking he commands S.H.I.T to take the wheel while he reaches down the front of his trousers and pulls out a jar of pickles, handing it to S.H.I.T, the Machine leans out of the window and brings it down with a single hit, the rotator blade skimming over the van after the crash landing.

Seeing Alhazred's eyes open wide, "of course!" He said, take the wheel again. And without another word he starts rummaging around in the back again, S.H.I.T is momentarily distracted as a sex doll hits it in the back of the head, "sorry," but keeps its course as a deep thrumming starts up behind it.

"Get us alongside!" S.H.I.T obeys, driving close enough to see the whites of the other men's eyes, Alhazred leaps out of the passenger door onto the side of the other van, chainsaw in hand, and starts to cut his way inside. Suddenly both vans come screeching to a halt, as both drivers realise simultaneously that they'll go over the Grand Canyon if they drive any further.

S.H.I.T disembarks from the van, standing to face the men that that stole that disgusting monstrosity. Alhazred then bursts from the van, chainsaw in one hand and S.Q.U.I.R.T over his shoulder, unceremoniously he dumps her on the floor, discarding the chainsaw as well, he stands next to S.H.I.T.

"Go, S.H.I.T. I'll handle these guys."

... What?

"Go on, true love is more important than this. GO, and live your life."

This one does not understand.

"GO! Must I tell you again?" Alhazred scuffs dirt at the Machine, "go away! I don't want you here, you're ugly and you smell bad!" Alhazred turns his back on S.H.I.T as the other van drivers stare incredulously.

Perhaps this one could use a wash.

"Go, and take S.Q.U.I.R.T with you."

S.H.I.T shrugged, maybe it was for the best, as an outdated and useless model then perhaps Alhazred could find itself a better tag team partner. It turned and walked away, leaving Alhazred to strike up a dialogue with the kidnappers, or whatever they were. It grabbed the thing called S.Q.U.I.R.T and dragged it away, intending to walk the distance back, after all, Alhazred was human and would tire, he'd need the van more after he'd beaten those other guys to a pulp.

As it was dragging the thing away, S.H.I.T found itself reflecting on the Eliminator 2 and how the inferior Machine didn't give up, it came back from the dead to fight for the Human child it had grown to care about. It looked at Alhazred's animated conversation with the two kidnappers and realised that Alhazred was a Human man-child. A human man-child that, if left on his own now, would be fighting Cerberus on his own. That wouldn't end well... S.H.I.T looked down, at its feet were a bunch of pickles from the jar it had hoisted at the helicopter. It looked at Alhazred, the other men had revealed themselves to be wearing Cerberus shirts... Well, a pickle wasn't a grenade launcher and the walk back wasn't a conveyer belt, but it was the best it had. It wasn't going to let the machinations of Flex Mussel and Ramparte beat it down, it wasn't going to leave its only friend to the three headed dog. S.H.I.T's eyes beamed a darker red, its normal shade of red. It scooped up the pickles, and went and stood next to its partner.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

Ramparte: Tag Team of The Year...how interesting. Even without the belts we managed to procure a legacy. And after Revolution, no one will say we were a flash in the pan once we recapture our gold and become the 3rd team to ever do so.

Flex: Focus, Ramparte. These weights don't lift themselves. We can pillow talk after this set of 50.

Morley: Sirs, come quick! Something is happening outside!!!

Flex Mussél and Ramparte both jumped up at the sight of Morley. Leaving their dumbbells on the floor, they sprinted out of the Flex Fitness Gym into the cold night air. A rush of heat engulfed them once they hit the street's pavement. A molotov cocktail whizzed passed The Catalyst's black locks of hair and smashed against a car window. Sirens were going off left and right. Smoke escaped a passing helicopter and men in black uniforms came barreling out of unmarked vans to meet the protesters head-on.

Flex: My God. A full-scale riot.

From overhead, somebody shattered an office building's window and reams of paper came drifting down. Madness had taken hold of the city. Something began to click inside Ramparte's mind. Hearing an internal choir, he began dancing to a song only he could hear as the sheets fell over him.

Ramparte: Not a riot, Mussél. A revolution.

So many books walk this path. Animal Farm, Brave New World...oh my beautiful dears, dance with me and watch the system die!

A protester overheard him, and instantly recognized Cerberus. He picked up a piece of glass and rushed The Catalyst. Flex quickly responded by grabbing his psychotic colleague and they made a wild dash to the Black Cadillac. Once in, Morley started the car and drove through the mass of angry demonstrators.

Die, Cerberus! You're not welcome here!

If you win, we riot!!!

Bitches!! Filthy fucking mutts!​

Flex: The hell did we do?

Ramparte: I am not sure. A mob needs not a reason, but an excuse.

The Catalyst turned away from his window as a woman banged furiously against it. This was an unexpected turn of events, but the Ramparte family were known for turning people against them, and so reinforced glass was a requirement for their vehicles. A deranged teenager jumped on top of the hood and shoved a news article against the pane. "WZCW Honors Cerberus As Tag Team Of The Year", it read.

Morley: It appears they had someone else in mind for that award.

Flex: Really? Nobody revolts over the obesity epidemic here? Not a single call to change dietary regulations in school cafeterias? They're all mad because their favorites didn't win a trophy??

Ramparte: At it's core, Mankind is a raging beast. Why, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is well-known for exploring this-

Morley: ...I quit.

A sudden silence fell over the duo as Ramparte's butler brought the Cadillac to a screeching halt, unbuckled his seatbelt, and stared back at the tag team.

Morley: I can't. I just can't anymore. If it's not your abuse, it's your on-and-on about absolutely nothing. You're like a bad actor. Over-theatrical in everything you do.

After suffering this for 25 years, one pickle too many...

Morley paused and shuddered.

Morley: ...and now an angry mob, I quit. YOU HEAR ME YOU SNIVELING LITTLE SHIT?!? I HOPE HARD METAL PENETRATION DOGGY STYLES YOUR UNGRATEFUL ASSES!!!!

He unlocked the doors, threw the keys into The Catalyst's face, and left loudly, slamming the door. For the longest time neither Flex or Ram could talk. Utterly speechless, they sat there while the sound of the crowd approached. When words came, it was from the fitness guru.

Flex: Ram, we have to go. Can you drive?

Ramparte: N-no. He drove me all of my life.

Flex: Neither can I. I've always ran or biked my way around. But I'll try. We can't quit on ourselves. The wolves are coming for us. But we are the powerful Cerberus, goddammit. We will get out of this.

He stepped out and took hold of the steering wheel. The Catalyst sat quietly, brooding on his servant's abrupt dismissal.

Ramparte: Eve Taylor is busy thwarting the old man of WZCW. Morley has taken his leave. The Cerberus Corporation died. Angels and demons have not spoken to me in a long time. We genuinely have no one to turn to.

This is the end of our story. Brought about by the hatred of fans and the gyrations of a lunatic team.

Slowly, the car started forward. The advancing crowd quickened their pace.

Flex: There is still you and me. Best tag team of the year. Hell, best of all time I think. We don't need libraries or gyms to explain why we're better than anyone. We don't need a membership or a quote to beat HMP. All we need is my brawn and your brains, Ramparte.

We don't even need a game plan. Just go all-out and cause as much bodily harm as humanly possible. Be the 3rd team to ever regain the titles. Be the three Heads of Cerberus ourselves.

Ramparte: They would expect a strategy from us, wouldn't they? Have me spewing Asimov's Law of Robotics or The Re-Animator by Lovecraft to S.H.I.T. and Alhazred. But I won't. Let's give those people back there more reason to hate us. I want their sorrow to be my playground. Their tears will be the fountain that I frolic in!!!

The Cadillac swerved as Flex gained confidence. Demonstrators threw things at them, but Cerberus was too far away and steadily picking up speed.

Flex: The momentum is ours. We will not quit like Morley did. You were right about a revolution, buddy. Our revolution. HMP will surely come at us with some kind of wacky scheme. I say we meet them with all of the seriousness an "I Quit" Match should be. I aim to hurt. Redemption is at hand, and I plan to look good when the match ends. Don't you?

The Catalyst nodded in his vanity.

Ramparte: Don't...don't quit on me, okay Mussél? Please don't give up on me like my butler did. I have no one else to turn to.

Flex: Never. You hear me back there, Ramparte? We are a unit. When one Head dies then the other will. I can't quit on you any more than you can quit on me.

Hail Cerberus once more?

The bookworm twirled his hair and noticed that a bit of the black dye was fading away. His golden blonde roots were showing.

Ramparte: Hail Cerberus. Forever.

Flex: This gives me an idea. We are about to take a brief detour, good buddy. There's an old friend we should go talk to. I'm sure they will give us inspiration to overcome the synergistic Hard Metal Penetration.

For what could be our last stand, I need to see my muse.

 

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

??? : Amber…..Amber are you there?

Former WZCW tag team champion Amber Warren slowly awakens in her hospital bed. While her eyes are still slightly glazed over she’s able to make out the sight of her older brother Nate Warren at her bedside.

Nate: Amber, can you hear me?

Amber: Na…Nate? What’s happening?

Nate: Yeah it’s me Amber just relax. You’ve been floating in and out of consciousness the last month or so.

Amber: I’ve been in a hospital for a month?! That means I’ve missed Kingdom Come, and the tag team titles, and that means El Califa must’ve had to fight Cerberus alone.

Nate: Look don’t worry about any of that. I’m not sure if you remember but you experienced some extreme head trauma at the hands of…it doesn’t even matter. All that’s important now is that you’re awake and speaking. Before you’d just have a blank look and eventually fall back into deep sleep.

Amber: Have you been here with me the entire time?

Nate: No…but believe me I’ve been here as much as I could. Let me go get the doctor and in no time we can get out of here-

???: Well look at that, sleeping beauty has finally awoken!

Nate is cut off by the healthiest man alive Flex Mussel as he bursts into the hospital room followed closely by Ramparte who quickly and menacingly shuts the door behind them.

Nate: What the hell are you two doing here?!!

Flex: Well I’m visiting the love of my life, and you’re seemingly being the creepy overprotective brother.

Amber: Didn’t you help your creep of a partner over there smash my skull in?

Flex: Yeah…it was kind of a heat of the moment scenario; a man can do crazy things when you reject his marriage proposal. Anyway I just wanted to let you know I forgive you and we can go back to being in love.

Nate: You sick sociopathic jerk!

Nate becomes enraged at the nonchalant words of Flex. He begins to make his way toward the fitness trainer in an attempt to connect a right hook but his fist is intercepted by cunningly quick Ramparte who swiftly brings him down to the ground and restrains him.

Ramparte: It would be in your best interest to not try something foolish like that again.

Flex: You might want to call off your guard dog, using him as protection is like throwing a beagle to the wolves, literally.

Amber: What do you want?

Flex: To talk in private.

Nate: Not a chance I’m leaving her alone with you two monsters.

Ramparte: You won’t like the alternative.

After a few tense moments of silence only interrupted by the grunts and grimaces of Nate as he tries to escape Ramparte’s grasp Amber eventually gives into Flex’s demands.

Amber: Nate just give us a few minutes okay.

Nate: You can’t possibly be serious right now!

Amber: Just please wait outside, these two have already taken away my team, my friend, and possibly my in-ring career, no need for them to hurt my family as well.

Ramparte: Smart girl.

The Catalyst lets go of Nate who spends a minute or two in disbelief of what his sister has asked. Eventually he exits the room and closes the door behind him. Flex then immediately takes a seat by Amber’s bedside as Ramparte gloomily waits in the corner.

Amber: So I’ll re-iterate again, what do you want?

Flex: Well a lot has happened while you’ve been in intensive medical care, I thought I’d come and fill you in.

Amber: Here to gloat about you two beating El Califa in a handicap match to retain your belts?

Flex: Actually….we ended up defending the titles against Alhazred and S.H.I.T., and lost them.

A smirk quickly appears on the face of Warren as she attempts to hold back her joy. This only irritates the already annoyed Ramparte who’s festering in his own misery.

Flex: Go ahead and laugh, I know you want to. It must bring happiness to your heart to know that your enemies lost what they cherished the most to a team using the moniker of Hard Metal Penetration.

Amber: Well I was never exactly close with Alhazred or S.H.I.T. but knowing you two got exactly what you deserved does indeed bring me joy.

Flex: Well believe it or not Amber you’re actually closer to them than you think. In fact it’s why we’re here today. You see they dedicated their victory and destruction of our title reign to getting justice for you. They’re no longer the WZCW conquering monsters but instead the heroes bringing the “bad guys” like us to justice.

Amber: Let me guess, you two are blaming me for your defeat?

Flex: Close but no, we’re blaming you for the extinction of Hard Metal Penetration as an entity. You see after taking all this time to think about the last couple of weeks I’m ready to admit that at Kingdom Come, Hard Metal Penetration may have been the better team that night.

The Catalyst snickers.

Flex: Maybe we got cocky, maybe we thought since we destroyed all of the competition there was no one left to oppose us, and maybe that hubris caused S.H.I.T. and Alhazred to achieve the feel good moment of the year and dethrone the big bad hounds. But unfortunately for them and the rest of WZCW, that loss only made us more rabid.

Amber: I still don’t get what this has to do with me.

Ramparte: Then think a bit harder, the fact is your damsel in distress act has caused what should be two killing machines to think they’re heroes to the masses. The good news is that it has also turned us into the monsters we need to be.

Flex: While your injury has inadvertently condemned two men to their doom it has also caused us to become a better team. My shenanigans, my antics, my need to be liked by the fans were in the end what made it so hard to coexist with Ramparte and win when we needed to. However now that’s all gone, Cerberus is no longer interested in convincing people why we should be revered, we would much rather just sit back and be the monsters everyone wants us to be. Even the third head Eve Taylor has become a more ruthless version of herself to acquire the Eurasian title. And that’s the fatal difference between us and Hard Metal Penetration. The adulation they receive has made them soft while our criticisms have only made us stronger. It is what’s allowed us to leave them bloodied and beaten on a number of occasions.

Ramparte: They're not facing the same Cerberus they did at Kingdom Come; you’re not even looking at the same Cerberus that smashed your skull in. When we face them in an “I Quit Match” and there are no rules, restrictions, or hesitations. There will be nothing holding me back from mentally and physically decimating them like they deserve to be. We left you lying in a hospital bed and that was during our happiest moments, so can you imagine what we’ll do to them in our most desperate ones?

Amber: What the hell has happened to you two? Before you were just narcissistic jerks but now you’ve become blood thirsty animals. You can’t go around ending people’s careers!

Flex: Unfortunately that’s the only option when it comes to Hard Metal Penetration. As much as we loathe them they’re WZCW legends and with the fans behind them the last thing they’ll want to do is utter the words “I Quit”. That’s why we’ll have to dismantle them to the point where they either utter those untimely words or end up right next to you in the hospital.

Amber: Did you ever think what would happen if one you quits?

The two heads of Cerberus look to each other, almost like it’s a question they’ve both been avoiding.

Ramparte: It’s a possibility we’ve thought of, but not a very likely one.

Flex: Cerberus can’t quit because it’s just not in our nature. We don't run away or give up to solve our problems, we evolve with our obstacles to overcome them. Did we give up when we lost to LMD in our second match? No. And look where you guys are now, El Califa a shell of his former self and you stuck in a hospital. Did we give up when Young Justice won the tag team titles? No. And we took those titles and Haven gave up on fighting the good fight and Hyada eventually faded into obscurity. The common theme here Amber is that Cerberus has indeed lost battles but in the end we win the wars. Hard Metal Penetration will soon be another name on the list of teams Cerberus has killed.

Ramparte: We became the villains to conquer the heroes, we evolved into the animals that devoured the dragons, and now our big bad bite has the poison necessary to drain the life out of Alhazred and S.H.I.T.

Amber: You know I always knew something was off about Ramparte but I never thought you'd become just like him Flex. I thought you were the only one keeping you two from going overboard but that's not the case anymore. Something’s changed inside you Flex…that fun loving frat boy demeanor has been replaced with anger and hate.

Flex: Yeah…I know. And that’s why I’m here, to thank you for that. I didn’t expect you to be awake but I’m glad you were. I really do apologize for what Ramparte and I did to you but in the end it was necessary to get to the point we’re at now. Your injury caused to face new competition which made us become a unit worthy of being named "Tag Team of the Year". Hard Metal Penetration must die, and come Revolution Cerberus will once again become the best team on the fucking planet.

Cerberus: HAIL CERBERUS!

 

[red ass skull muhfukkah]

Lightning strikes over an abandoned office building. Rain pours down, covering the once normal looking office building, filling in the cracks and crumbles of it's walls. A white van speeds up to it and screeches to a halt at it's front door.

Alhazred and Machiko step out. Machiko quickly runs to the doorway to avoid the rain, Alhazred stares at the building then down to his Power Glove. He clenches his fist and points at the building. He walks to the doorway and opens the door, it's unlocked. Inside graffiti, trash, and various wires and computers cover the dark main room. Alhazred breathes in deep and exhales even deeper. A bit of blood comes out of his nose, a wound from the attack from Cerberus. He wipes the blood and with his hand.

Machiko: You sure this is where you want to be right now? I mean, this is pretty depressing.

Alhazred: This is where I need to be, Machiko. This is where my madness was truly awoken and this is where it will be put back to sleep.

Machiko: You think just being here will change anything? I know you want to be a good guy and redeem yourself for all the terrible things you've done, but this doesn't seem like the place to do it.

Alhazred: Oh it's the only place to do it. For you see this is where I built my Power Glove, this is where it all started. The lies from the people who ran it, the mocking from my colleagues, and the looks of disgust towards my creation from my superiors. This is where my genius was brought to life and this is where my genius was ignored. My anger, hatred, and never ending goal to prove my worth to the world all grew and festered here. They didn't understand the amazing instrument I created. They called my design the dreams of a child. When I started building it they doubted whether it would even work. When it was completed they feared what it might do in the wrong hands. So I put it in my hand, the only hand capable of unleashing it's full potential.

They head down a hallway and enter the janitor's closet. Alhazred removes the light switch and pushes a button. The door behind them closes and the room begins to descend.

Machiko: It's an elevator?

Alhazred nods as the elevator stops. They open the door to a floor with various lab rooms. All the computers and equipment are smashed. They walk down a corridor to the last room on the left. They head in, Alhazred walks around the room, touching the walls and tables.

Alhazred: This was my lab. The smallest room on the floor. They stuffed me away here.

Machiko: So what are we gonna do?

Alhazred takes purple Game Boy Color out of his back pocket.

Alhazred: We're gonna blow it all up.

Machiko: What? That's your solution, to blow it up? How will that help in any way?

Alhazred: There is no creation without destruction. There is no moving forward when the hands of your past still are pulling you back. I intend to remove those hands and them place them around the necks of Cerberus. They are just like the people who ran this place. Simpled minded fools who miss the big picture and doubt me. All they want is our destruction for beating them. We did them the biggest favor by beating them. They weren't fit to hold the WZCW World Tag Team Championships. They didn't even want to be a tag team and they still don't. By forcing my hand down their throats, I was releasing them from each other. By beating them and taking their titles I was doing something good. But they want to attack my old friend James King? They want to scold me for simply trying to feed their butler friend some of my pickles? They want to destroy me and my best friend because they wish they could be like us? They smashed S.H.I.T. and beat me to a pulp, very impressive. But what did it really accomplish? Do you really think any sort of violence and intimidation will have any effect on the craziest guy to ever step in a WZCW ring or a cold hearted, made of metal monster bent on destruction? They still have no idea who they are dealing with.

Alhazred unzips his hoodie to show his title around his waist.

Alhazred: To them this title is just a way to elevate their names to they can ascend higher up the card when they eventually split up. They need these titles but they don't really want them. They don't want to be a team anymore, they want their own success. But they put on this show because they know deep down that neither one will ever get any higher than they were when they had them. They want with all their hearts to be on their own and win a different title. They need these titles to stay relevant. That is where they truly differ from Hard Metal Penetration. We don't need these titles. S.H.I.T. and I are capable of doing anything we want whenver we want on our own. But we want these titles because we like working together and we truly enjoy the amount of pain we as a unit can dish out.

Alhazred punches a wall and makes a hole.

Alhazred: Do they think they can cause us so much pain that we'll quit? Do they know the amount of pain I suffered in this place? Do they know all the wars I've fought in WZCW? Did they forget about S.H.I.T.'s battles with Barbosa? The level of brutality we have both taken from others would cripple Cerberus, not to mention the level of brutality we've unleashed on each other.

Alhazred takes out a cartridge for Pokemon Red.

Alhazred: Just like the people who ran this place; Cerberus have no idea what they are dealing with. They are not ready for the pain and suffering Hard Metal Penetration is going to put them through at Revolution. Just like this building we now stand in; we are going to rip them to shreds.

He places the game in the Game Boy and turns it on. They run out of the room and towards the elevator. Just as they get to the door and box falls over behind them. They look back and see a small robot crawling out of it. Alhazred runs towards it and helps it up. It looked like a smaller, girl version of S.H.I.T.

Alhazred: Oh my god, it's a girl S.H.I.T.

Robot: I am S.Q.U.I.R.T.

Alhazred: It's destiny Machiko, we blow up the place of my past and find something for S.H.I.T.'s future!

Alhazred picks her up and heads into the elevator. They run out of the closet and out of the building. He throws S.Q.U.I.R.T. in the back of the van and speeds off as the building explodes.

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Alhazred comes into the basement, he sees S.H.I.T. watching a movie on the couch. S.Q.U.I.R.T. follows behind him.

S.H.I.T.: What is this thing?

Alhazred: Her name is S.Q.U.I.R.T.! We found her in my old labs before we blew it up. I mean what's the odds of it? It must be true love. I mean, I blow up my past and build your future! My best friend, in love.

S.H.I.T. is lost in his thoughts, not paying attention.

Alhazred: Look at him, so overcome with emotions he can't even speak. I knew there was a man in there, who knew it would only take a woman to pull it out.

Two men in black suits burst through the door and grab S.Q.U.I.R.T.

Alhazred: Get them!

S.H.I.T. tries to grab one but he slips away.

Alhazred: To the van!

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Alhazred bursts out of a van, S.Q.U.I.R.T in one hand, chainsaw in the other. He tosses both to the ground.

Alhazred: Go, S.H.I.T. I'll handle these guys.

S.H.I.T.:... What?

Alhazred:Go on, true love is more important than this. GO, and live your life.

S.H.I.T.: This one does not understand.

Alhazred:GO! Must I tell you again?

Alhazred kicks dirt at S.H.I.T.

Alhazred: Go away! I don't want you here, you're ugly and you smell bad!

S.H.I.T.: Perhaps this one could use a wash.

Alhazred: Go, and take S.Q.U.I.R.T with you.

S.H.I.T. grabs squirt and drags her away.

Suit guy: Cerberus sends their regards.

The Rains of Castemere plays from Alhazred's van.

Alhazred: I stand before you a truly good man. For I am ready, willing, and prepared to die for my best friend's true love! You may break me, but I will not surrender!

Suit guy: We will break you, nerd.

Alhazred: You're the nerds with your dumb suits and stupid glasses.

Suit guy: We are not nerds, you are a nerd. You are wearing a shirt that says "Nerd".

Alhazred: You illiterate fool! My shirt says "Nerf"!

Suit: Well that's pretty cool, but you're still a nerd!

S.H.I.T. stands beside Alhazred. Alhazred puts his hand on S.H.I.T.'s shoulder and nods.

Alhazred: Get ready for some Hard!

S.H.I.T.: Metal.

Alhazred: Penetration!

They each chop one guy in the head and rain punches down on them. They stuff pickles in their mouth and rub them in their hair. They tie them up and throw them in their van.

Suit guy: We will never surrender, Cerberus will forever knock!

Alhazred shrugs and grabs a can of gasoline from his van. He pours it all over the suit guys' van and walks away while pouring a line.

He lights a cigarette.

Alhazred: I told you that smoking kills.

He tosses the cigarette in the gasoline but nothing happens.

S.H.I.T.: This one saw on Mythcrushers that that does not actually work.

Alhazred: Well shit S.H.I.T.

S.H.I.T.: We could take lit cigarettes and stab them in the eyes until we make a hole to their brains.

Alhazred: What a splendid idea, then we shove our dicks in them and skull fuck their brains!

S.H.I.T.: Sure...

Alhazred: Great. For love!

They walk to the van and S.H.I.T. lights a cigarette while Alhazred unzips his pants. The suit guys begin to scream.

Suit guy: We surrender, we surrender!

They pull the suit guys up and push their van into the Grand Canyon causing a fiery explosion.

Alhazred whispers in on of their ears: Cerberus should be more fearful when they knock, you never know what will answer.

They grab S.Q.U.I.R.T. and hop in the van. As they drive away S.H.I.T. throws the cigarette out the window, accidentally lighting a brush fire which ignites the gasoline as the scene fades to black.