Heroism.
Bravely standing up to fight evil. To fight for what you believe in. No matter the odds. No matter the cost.
"To fight for what you believe in."
That sentence makes the rest look suspect. S.H.I.T believes. Many monsters believed in their own cause, would that in fact make them heroes? Is there such a thing as a hero? Or is everyone just a hero of their own story?
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Old Ronald Weston had been sacked, old Ronald Weston had a contract that allowed his mistreatment to happen, old Ronald Weston was a victim of Rex Burglary's malicious intentions against S.H.I.T. And yet, old Ronald Weston didn't have a leg to stand on. He had nowhere to turn.
Well, he had somewhere to turn. Old Ronald Weston was a man of old school principles and morals. He had a very definite version of a hero, a hero fought only within the rules, he fought for what he believed in, he fought for truth, justice and the American way. Except now old Ronald Weston wasn't sure what any of those things were anymore...
He looked at the creature stood before him, and asked. "Will you help me?"
S.H.I.T looked back at old Ronald Weston, red eyes staring holes right through him and the usual, somewhat reassuring menacing snarl in place.
Affirmative. It replied.
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S.H.I.T burst through the door of Alhazred's laboratory, dragging behind it two black sacks of something hissing and screaming visciously all the while, Alhazred looks up from his latest expirement and nods with approval.
"Just leave them over there, will you?"
S.H.I.T unceremoniously throws the sacks into the indicated corner, causing a further ruckus.
You have completed the items this one asked for?
"Right over there," said Alhazred, pointing at two suitcases stacked on another table.
S.H.I.T walked over to them, opening the topmost suitcase. Excellent. Was all it said.
"What have you got planned?" Asked Alhazred doubtfully.
S.H.I.T looked at its former ally and enemy, remember Kingdom Come 4?
Alhazreds face slowly broke into a grin, "but I didn't use a gun."
Adapt. Evolve. Survive. Prosper. Said S.H.I.T.
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Rex Burglary was reflecting on a victory won, it was a small, petty victory, but it was a victory nonetheless. Firing some old man to get your own back on a non-feeling killing machine shouldn't feel this satisfying, but it did.
Yet he felt somewhat restless, he ran a hand through his, it has to be said, fantastic hair, trying to puzzle out when such victories did become so satisfying to him. A life as a failed professional wrestler had yielded a life of a semi successful business man. Surely in the modern world that is superior?
If Rex was about to come to some kind of epiphany in this moment we'll never know, because at that moment the door to the factory exploded, Rex gets the CCTV up on his computer.
Freeze meatbags! The Machine said to the advancing security guards, it standing in the doorway with another unknown figure, both holding ridiculous looking sci-fi expirement guns.
"Yeah, nobody move!" The Machine's partner echoed, "ah screw it, move all you want!" He shouted before firing his gun at the nearest of the guards, three or four very angry, very unfed cats fly out of the nozzle and land directly on the intended targets, where they proceeded to do what cats do, which is scream, scratch and piss. "Eat pussy!"
The rest of the security run, except for two would be heroes who try to charge down Alhazred before he can reload, these two get a face full of cat from S.H.I.T's own gun.
Ingest feline! It quipped as the screams of the security intermingled with the screams of the projectile domestic house pets and the roar from Alhazred as he begins to chase down the rest of security.
S.H.I.T and Alhazred move on through the factory, Alhazred sees the workers on their conveyor-belts, staring up in confusion and immediately moves to fire on them, but S.H.I.T puts a claw like hand on his shoulder. Lucky that it did, because Alhazred turning around at that moment allowed him to see two more advancing security, these two with tasers, and gives them both a face full of feline, to huge cheers from the workforce.
"What are they doing here?" Rex demanded of his monolith slave driver, the man could only shrug stupidly as a reply. "Well, deal with them!" He screamed shrilly. The huge man nodded, pulling a morningstar out of his pocket, he proceeds menacingly toward the door. S.H.I.T and Alhazred are already advancing down the corridor that leads directly to his office, Rex started praying that his behemoth could stop them as he exited Rex's own office to face them down.
The brute began swinging the morningstar menacingly, "which of you is first?" He rumbled menacingly. Alhazred steps smartly to one side, indicating S.H.I.T.
Very good, Alhazred. A "good" person would fight with honour and engage this foe in single combat. S.H.I.T dropped its cat launcher and advanced, the lumbering goliath swung the morningstar but S.H.I.T ducked quickly, NOW! It almost shouted, Alhazred lurched forward and punched the man sharply in the balls. He drops instantly. Yes, a good person would face him in single combat, but we are still transitioning.
The door to Rex's office flew open, revealing a menacing, if strangely square shape standing in the doorway. Rex lets out a silent scream as the pair advance, Alhazred brandishing a coil of rope.
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Old Ronald Weston did indeed have a clear definition of what a hero was, but he'd also lived a long life. If heroes were men who fought by the rules and only did what was right, then there weren't any left, the ones that don't get crushed by more ruthless opposition are usually ready to turn at a moments notice to ensure their own survival and prosperity.
When real heroes fail, you send in the freaks, criminals and the insane, they usually get the job done before the heroes have even laced up their boots.
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"What are you going to do to me?"
Nothing, so long as you comply. The Machine said to the figure tied up in the chair.
Rex stuck his jutting chin out in defiance, and repealed it almost straight away as it came too close to Alhazred who is sitting on the desk in front of him.
"Please." He begged, "I have a wife and children."
"Ooh good, maybe we can take them hostage as well?" Alhazred looked at S.H.I.T for support, but the Machine just gave a subtle shake of its head. "Ah well," he said, "I prepared for this." Alhazred picks up another bag, ditching its contents on the floor, a bunch of restraints and a stained towel. "You strap him to the table, I'll get some buckets of water and we'll..."
Negative. S.H.I.T said flatly.
Alhazred looked dissapointed, "you mean we're not going to waterboard..."
Good guys do not waterboard.
"But we've got him strapped to a chair?"
S.H.I.T paused for a while, we are still learning.
Rex watched the exchange between the pair, "it was me!" He said.
"What?" Alhazred asked curiously as S.H.I.T stared in silence.
"I am the one who stopped you wrestling at the supershow, I wanted to teach you a lesson!" He wailed.
This one knows.
"But how?" Asked Alhazred, incredulous.
Wrestling logic. S.H.I.T replied.
"What?"
The same kind of logic that allows you to throw cats at Titus' fans without repercussion, the same kind of logic that allows Flex Mussel to propose to Amber Warren and then he and Ramparte put her in hospital when she refuses without being bought up on charges.
"Oh..."
Don't question, embrace it. When you have an issue, you settle it in the ring by destroying all those who stand against you.
They all were silent for a while, reflecting on the absurdity of their world.
"What Cerberus did disgusted me as well," said the tied up Rex, "so imagine how I felt when it was you who was going to avenge her?" He indicates the pair, "it should've been someone truly heroic, like El Califa Dragon... Or Chris K.O... Or Theron Daggershield! Instead what does Amber Warren have defending her honour? A destruction crazed robot and a sexual deviant!" He shouted.
"Hey!"
"Its not fair! If I'd have been a wrestler I'd have..." He promptly shuts up, knowing that he's said too much now.
S.H.I.T interrupted the long silence. Are we defending Amber Warren's honour? It asked Alhazred.
Alhazred shrugged, "it feels like something good people should do... I just wanted hurt them for attacking you, baby." S.H.I.T nodded, before turning to Rex.
Sometimes you just have to take the Knight in shining armour that is offered, and not waste your time hoping for a better one. It paused. How did the worlds most idealistic wannabe wrestler become the worlds sneakiest, moderately successful businessman? Rex just sat in sullen silence. You will repeal your ban on this one wrestling, so that Hard Metal Penetration can destroy Cerberus, it is time someone dealt with the three headed dog that guards the entrance to the underworld, and we have demons of our own past to bury. Rex nodded. You will give Ronald Weston his job back, and you will comply with workforce laws regarding your other employees.
Rex blustered, "you can't make me do that! Burglary Inc has nothing to do with you!"
Alhazred sighed, "who's Ronald Weston?"
The real reason we are here. Alhazred, get the clippers.
Are you sure you don't want to waterboard...
This one is sure.
Alhazred roots around in another bag before producing a pair of electric hair clippers, he holds them menacingly before Rex and switches them on. Nothing happens. Cursing he roots around some more, finding a new battery and putting it on. "Aha!" He shouts, as the clippers start to work, Rex visibly cringes away from them.
"Not my hair! My hair is all I have!" he whimpered.
Alhazred moves closer, sitting on one of Rex's knees like the worlds most menacing Santa's child. Grinning like a loon.
"Please..." he whimpered.
Meet my demands. S.H.I.T snarled.
"Yes, yes anything. Just don't shave my hair."
S.H.I.T produces a contract and a pen, putting the pen in Rex's mouth and holding the contract up, Rex scribbles something resembling a signature on it.
"Very good," said Alhazred. "Now a good person would untie him and leave, right?"
Affirmative. Said S.H.I.T, But we are still learning.
Rex wails in despair as Alhazred laughs maniacally, the once wonderful locks of Rex tumbling to the floor.
"Cerberus will get you for this! What can two freaks do against the three headed dog that guards the underworld!?!"
"What can we do, what can we say?" Said Alhazred, still shearing through Rex's hair.
Last time S.H.I.T and Alhazred teamed we defeated 5 WZCW legends to put WZCW in control of Ty Burna, the ball is not in our court, it is in theirs. The question is, what can Cerberus do?
"The three headed dog that guards the entrance to the underworld has a choice," Alhazred leans in closer to Rex as if to whisper. "It can submit too" he said, "or it can be destroyed by... HARD METAL PENETRATION!"
When the real hero's fail, you send in the freaks, criminals and the insane. They get the job done before the real hero's have even got out of bed.
