"The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back of its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labor."
-----
We had come early to Los Angeles. Set up in our hotel together, as had become our custom, Stoya had claimed the common room to make a few phone calls, leaving me the bedroom. I had had intentions of sleeping before we had to set out again - they had tapped me to do a radio interview - but I couldn't rest. There had been a thought gnawing at the back of my mind for days, ever since the end of the Supershow. Everything I'd said to Showtime was raging in my head, battering at my skull from inside, threatening to overwhelm me.
Why, in the end, do I keep doing this?
I had no answer. I should leave - but I didn't want to. Gods help me, but I didn't want to. Everything about being part of WZCW was misery - from being the pariah of the locker room, to most of the employees being unable to stomach looking at me, to the constant up and down, the winning, the losing, this endless pursuit of the world heavyweight championship that threatened to take everything from me - what good was any of it? No amount of money would ever be worth this hell that I'd put myself in, that I
kept myself in, but I couldn't leave. For no better reason than that. I just couldn't.
Or maybe I could. Maybe it was time to try.
I sat up from the bed, no longer interested in even pretending to sleep. I leaned over and rummaged through my bag, grabbing a pen and a small notebook I kept in there for writing down names, numbers, times of meetings, anything that came up that Stoya wasn't around to keep track of. I stared at a blank sheet for the better part of the hour before I started to write, hesitatingly, haltingly, but in the end, I wrote:
"To Whom It May Concern:
I hereby resign from WZCW.
- Drake Callahan"
I stared at my words for a good long while. They felt alien, they felt foreign. They felt like something I could never write - but I had. Was it as simple as this? If I just handed this to someone, to Vance, or to Myles, or to Dave, would it end? Would I be free? I felt like there would be some trick, some deception, that I'd find I'd never written the words at all, that there was no letter in my hand, for this was surely an impossibility. I had left WZCW once, but not by choice, and as soon as I'd found a way back in I'd taken it. To
voluntarily walk away? It wasn't possible. I had no reason to stay. I had nothing tying me down. I couldn't possibly leave.
I tore the page out of the notebook and folded it in half, in quarters, enough to shove into my pocket. I was resolved. I was going to go to Kingdom Come, find Vance, and hand him this. He would read it, and - well, I didn't know what he'd do. Probably yell and scream a lot. After all, I'd be walking out of the main event of Kingdom Come on the very night of it. He'd beg me to wrestle in the main event at least, and then talk after. I'd say no, I thought. Maybe I wouldn't. Maybe that's how it would happen - he'd convince me with a word and I'd be trapped again. After all, there was no way out.
But I had to try, at least. Didn't I?
There was a knock at the door, followed by Stoya. I shoved the letter in my pocket quickly, before she could see. She wouldn't be happy about this, either. She didn't need to know yet. We could have a little time, first. Surely we could have that. She smiled - that she should ever smile at me felt impossible. She was my lone solace through everything. She was my rock. I would surely have lost my mind - or at least, all of mind - ages ago were it not for her. And yet, my attempt at saving myself would cost me her if I was successful. She was, after all, my agent first and anything else second, we both knew that. It was enough to make me want to cry. It was enough to make me want to scream.
"Good, you're awake," she said.
"We should really get going, the interview's in half an hour. You ready?"
I nodded slowly, trying not to betray any of what was going on inside my head. I got to my feet and headed for the door. I expected to follow her out, but she stopped me in the doorway.
"Hey," she said, still smiling.
"You alright?"
I shrugged, trying not to let anything show.
"Lot on my mind. The match, and...everything."
She kissed me quickly, before pulling back and saying,
"I know it's a lot. I'm here if you need me, you know that, right?"
I nodded, finding it difficult to say anything. She smiled again.
"Let's get going."
-------
She drove as I watched Los Angeles pass by, people, cars, buildings, all of it. Stoya had been trying to drum up conversation the entire way, and I was trying to keep up, but I felt listless, incapable of managing much of a response.
"...anyway, I was hoping to look up an old friend, my college roommate actually, we lived together for three years at Cornell."
I nodded, trying to think of a response.
"She and I were both English majors. She married someone rich and spends all her time with her kids now," she said, laughing a little.
"I'm not sure which of us is better off."
I nodded again.
"I guess. Seems like none of you actually wind up studying books and poems for a living."
She laughed.
"Books and poems, that's a pretty good summary. You wouldn't believe how much you can dig out of a few words on paper. You know, my master's thesis was actually longer than the essay I studied?"
I smiled back at her, but there wasn't much feeling behind it. I was just hoping to keep up the semblance that nothing was very wrong.
"What was that?"
"The Myth of Sisyphus, by Albert Camus. Do you know it?"
"Never heard of it," I said, shaking my head.
"It's all about existentialism. Camus was an absurdist, he thought the only way to find happiness was to acknowledge that life was just totally pointless, that there was no hope for some deep truth or some spiritual revelation. You know? But that by saying, essentially, well, this is really absurd, then you could be happy, just by acknowledging that that was it, that it was your lot."
Her words tickled at the edges of my imagination, not penetrating, but probing for weakness.
"So who was Sisyphus?"
"He was condemned by the gods to push a rock up a hill for all time, but as soon as he got to the top of the hill, it would fall back down again, and he'd have to start over. Sounds like hell, right? But Camus argued that in the time he had to think about it, he'd find happiness, because he could acknowledge how absurd his situation was. And it was all a big metaphor for life and how Camus thought we could find happiness here on Earth."
I shrugged.
"That's one thought, I guess."
"I thought it was odd, you know, because a lot of Camus's other suggestions for finding happiness were all about rebelling, finding happiness in hedonism or in fighting the establishment. And Sisyphus did those things before being sent to push the rock, but there was no rebelling from him then. And I always asked the question - why didn't he just tell the gods, 'No, I won't push your rock?' What would have happened? What would they have done? Maybe they would have smote him, or come up with some other horrible punishment, you know, burned him alive constantly every day forever, but they couldn't make him push the rock, could they? Maybe they could have magicked him to do it, or something, but then it wouldn't be the same punishment at all, really. In the end, he chose to push the rock." She shrugged.
"That was a chapter in my thesis, basically."
She fell silent then, but she kept talking to me inside my head, her words reverberating all around as I processed what she was telling me. It was like someone had just sung the sweetest music, but I couldn't hear it. I knew there was something amazing in what she'd just said, but not what, and it felt like her words were slipping away faster and fast with every moment.
We drove on. The silence outside was matched only by the sound and the fury inside my head, pounding and pounding, on and on and on.
-----
I sat in the studio across from two hosts. They'd mumbled their names and half a dozen other things, but I had barely heard them. One of them was saying something now. A red light in the corner of my eye glared. We were live, it meant. I tried to pay attention to what he was saying.
"...and we have with us now on 98.9 'The Oxen' none other than WZCW superstar Drake Callahan, in town this weekend for Kingdom Come, which has just taken over our city as I'm sure any of you who spend a lot of time downtown has noticed," the first host said.
His counterpart picked up where he left off.
"That's right, welcome to the studio Drake."
They both looked at me, expecting my response. That was the whole point of being here, wasn't it? To talk. Talk talk talk. I spend more time talking than I do wrestling.
"Thank...yeah, thank you for having me."
"For those of our listeners who don't know, can you tell us a little bit about the show?" The first host asked.
"Yeah...well, it's our flagship event. The biggest show of the year, and..." I searched for something else, and came up empty.
"...yeah."
The hosts shared a brief glance, but the second one rolled with it.
"Okay, well, I understand there's also a huge event at the Staples Center in conjunction with Kingdom Come where there'll be a fanfest and an entire wrestling show to go with it."
"Yeah...WrestleZone Weekend, it's, uh...it's at the Staples Center, and it's...it'll be a great time, I think."
The hosts shared a longer glance.
"Okay, and you, you are competing for the world heavyweight championship at this event. What's that like - to compete for the biggest prize in your sport?"
"It's..." I felt out of breath. My palms were sweaty. I tried to compose myself, but I just couldn't say anything. I looked over to the glass window separating the studio from the control room, and met Stoya's eye. She must have seen the concern in my face, as she immediately started talking to the producer. I hoped she was trying to end this as soon as possible.
"Drake?" The second host was saying.
"Maybe you can give us some opinions on your opponents, Showtime David Cougar or Steven Holmes."
I felt rage flare up inside of me, and I was composed for a moment.
"Both of them, they're just puppets, just liars, just..." As soon as it had come, it was gone. And yet, one clear thought stayed with me.
"Just men, like me. No different, really...just men."
The hosts looked at each other with exasperation. I looked at Stoya again and she was shouting at the producer. It was over. I knew it.
I ripped my headset off and threw it on the table. I had to get out. I had to leave.
----
"God damn it, Stoya, I don't know what happened, okay?" We were back in our hotel room after a silent ride back. Her phone had been blowing up as the news had reached headquarters, and she'd been fighting off Big Dave and Vance Bateman as they demanded to know why I'd blown the interview.
Her eyes flashed in the way they did before she usually screamed back at me. But the flash lasted a moment longer than it usually did, and suddenly her eyes settled, and dropped to the floor. Was it fear? I felt sick to my stomach at the notion. Was that what I'd become? Did I just make people afraid of me, too afraid to tell me I was wrong? Too afraid to be close to me? Too afraid to see me for what I was?
She took a deep breath.
"Okay, Drake, I get it. I'm trying to help you here. Your head is not in the right place," she said calmly, meeting my eye at the end.
"Where is the right place for my head, Stoya? Is it aggression? Is it fury? Is it rage? Is it total and utter hatred of my opponents?" I took a deep, shuddering breath. My stomach still roiled. "I can't. I can't feel that anymore, Stoya. That - all of that - that is going to kill me if I let it. That's going to cost me everything."
"That got you to a world championship before," she pointed out.
"And it also made me punch a woman in the face and like it. Is that what you want?"
There was a stillness in the air for a moment before I realized what I'd said. She met my eye again, and this time her calm was deadly.
"Is that a threat?" she asked simply.
I wanted it. God help me, God damn me, but I wanted it. I wanted to take the few steps between us and shut her up. If she would just
shut up it would be alright. My fist clenched.
"No," I heard myself saying, as if from a distance.
"No," I said again, my voice stronger.
"No," I said again, like a mantra, like a prayer, supplication to the nearest god who might be listening. I dropped my head. My fist unclenched.
"Okay," she said, relief in her voice. She
was afraid. I nearly vomited.
"Then tell me what's going on."
I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve to unload my thoughts on her. I deserved to suffer in silence, but I had been punished with an angel.
"It's wrong," I said.
"Everything I've ever said about them, everything I've ever thought of them, everything I've ever done to them. It's wrong, Stoya. It's the product of a neverending cycle of hatred, perpetuated by the men they put into place to rule over WZCW, but begun long ago. It sells the product, Stoya, don't you see? Hate sells the product, hate sells the match, hate sells the pay per view, hate pops the ratings, hate, hate, hate. They get so far inside your head that you don't even control it any more. I've known this for weeks, I figured it out and told it all to Showtime, and I still couldn't help myself on the supershow. I still took him out, because I felt, deep down in the bottom of my heart, the deepest hatred for him. But what the hell has he ever done to me, Stoya? He's beaten me in wrestling matches a few times. He's done what he's been paid to do, what we're both paid to do. I don't even know him. He has a wife and a child. He's probably a good person, Stoya. But they made me hate him. They told me from the beginning that I couldn't be boring, you get it? That I had to bring aggression, that I had to bring anger. That that would propel me to the top. But they didn't tell me that the longer you do it, the more it stops being part of the job and it starts being part of your soul. They get to you. They make you hate. They take a man, and they make a monster, so that you'll dance on their strings and say the right things and make the bloodsuckers throw their money at them, because they don't want honest competition. They don't want wrestling, they want bloodsport. They want gladiators in the arena, fighting to the death. Because that's where this ends. It ends when you're a burnt out husk and as good as dead when you can't do it anymore."
She never broke her gaze, even as I went in and out of eye contact with her. I went on.
"Who is Showtime? Who is David Cougar? I have no idea. I've accused him of absolutely everything. Called him a thief, a monster, a bastard, everything imaginable. Who is Steven Holmes? I have no idea. Just a man with some money who decided he wanted to wrestle. Maybe he isn't a good person. But do you think he started off enjoying crushing people's dreams? Do you think he was always so arrogant? Do you think he was always such a...such an utter bastard? I would bet my life he wasn't. Not everyone comes into this game a good person, but it damn sure makes you worse, slowly, slowly, bit by bit, until you wind up like Holmes. Or even worse, you wind up like me. For God's sake, Stoya, look at El Califa. I took a look around the locker room, saw a man in the mask, and invented a million reasons to hate him inside my own head. I didn't know the first thing about him. I still don't. Now he's gone, another shadow in and out of my life, but the hate remains. I think of that mask and I hate him. I think of Ty Burna and I hate him. I think of Showtime and I hate him. I think of Holmes and I hate him. I hate him, and I envy him. I want his championship. I want it more than life itself. But do I want it because it's the goal of every wrestler who ever gets into this business, because it's a sign that you've perfected your craft? Or do I want it because I hate him, and I want what's his, out of nothing better than spite?"
I took a deep breath and prepared to continue, but I'd run out of words. Instead I stared at Stoya, waiting for her to say something.
"So fight back," she said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"What?"
"They want you to hate, so stop hating. They want you to draw blood, so fight clean. They want you to be their man, so be your own. If they're in your head, then get them out. Fight. Back."
"You think it's that easy? To just say, oh, I'm not going to listen to them, I won't do what they tell me?"
She looked at me for a while as the silence stretched on, before saying,
"Why did you want to be a wrestler in the first place?"
To my surprise, the answer came easy.
"I watched wrestlers on TV and knew that I wanted to be just like them. I wanted to entertain people. That was before I knew what those people were really like."
"You can entertain people a lot of ways. If you stuck with wrestling, there's got to be another reason."
"The brass rings. The gold. The championship. I can't even describe what it's like. To call yourself world heavyweight champion. I dreamed of it, and believe me, Stoya, when I finally had it...for everything it had cost, for everything it had taken to get it, it was everything I dreamed of and more."
"So fight for that. Fight to be a champion. Who cares who has it? Who cares what their name is, or what their face is, who they are, what anyone wants you to think of? Ignore them. Don't play the game. I've worked my ass off to get you an iron clad contract in this business. They can't stop you. Wrestle for the gold. Wrestle for the dream. You can stop hating them, if you want to."
I was already shaking my head.
"It isn't that easy. You don't just walk into wrestling and leave behind everything that's come with you. Every day, you carry with you the ghosts of everything you've done before."
Stoya's eyes flared, and this time they didn't drop.
"Did I say it would be easy? It won't be. It's going to be the fight of your life. I'm sure it's easy for you to hate. It's easy for you to hurt, I know that first hand. It's easy for you to come up with a million reasons why everyone in your way is horrible. It's going to be damn hard to stop listening to that voice. But if it's worth it...then you've got to try."
"I tried. I tried to step into that ring with Showtime and put it behind me. I tried to forget. I tried to forgive. I tried to let go of the hate. But I still tried to take him out. I couldn't help it."
"Do you have any idea how fucking pathetic you sound?" She snapped.
"I can't, I won't, it's too hard. Either do something about it or stop bitching about it, Drake. You're about to step onto the biggest stage in the game, and it is too late to back down. You're going to step into that ring and reach for that brass ring, and whether you succeed or fail is dependent entirely on how you deal with your shit. So deal with it."
"I..." What could I even say to that?
"You are going to try, or I am going to walk. Do you know why I was first attracted to you, Drake? Because you did what you wanted. If you really want to change something, then do it. Who's stopping you?"
The pounding in my head had returned. It was too much to process at once. I sat down in the nearest chair. I felt her come and stand next to me.
"They're not going to like it," I said.
"I don't expect they will. But sometimes you have to take the risk. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six."
She put her hand on my shoulder.
"And believe me when I say that I believe in you, Drake. Not just because I'm your agent. But because I'm someone that loves you."
She leaned down and kissed me. Just a moment in time, but a moment I wished would stretch forever. For a heartbeat the storm ended in my head and in my heart.
But it ended, as it always did, and it was time to face the storm again.
------
WZCW PRESENTS
KINGDOM COME V
------
I took my sunglasses off as I stepped inside the production area they had set up in the backstage area of Dodgers Stadium. Stoya was at my side. Standing over to the right was Vance Bateman, who took immediate notice of my arrival.
I clutched the letter in my pocket. Stoya had given me one option. I had another. Vance was making his way over.
"Drake," he said, extending a hand. I took it coolly.
"Are you ready for the big match?"
I was more ready than he knew. I wasn't just ready to wrestle. I wasn't just ready to win the championship. I was ready to start something that he'd never seen before. I was ready to wrestler harder, faster, and
purer than anyone in WZCW ever did before. I was ready to stop wrestling for his whims, and for the pack of wolves surrounding the ring, and instead wrestle for myself and for the championship that meant everything to me. I was ready to stop wrestling because I hated Showtime and Holmes, and ready to start wrestling them with nothing but pride in my heart.
With my free hand, I felt the letter again. Was I truly ready?
"I guess we'll find out," I said, doubting myself briefly. Vance's eyes narrowed.
"I hope it'll be to my liking," he said, perhaps joking, perhaps threatening.
I felt Stoya's hand on my arm. I let go of the letter in my pocket.
Not today, I thought.
I have something I need to do first.
"Honestly, Vance, I couldn't care less," I said, walking away before he had a chance to respond. I took a small measure of my pleasure in imagining his face.
"You are ready," Stoya said with a grin. She sounded more confident than I felt. I nodded.
It was time to break the cycle. It was time to tell the gods no.
And it was time to face the consequences.
----
I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one's burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.
---Albert Camus