Gelgarin Reviews TNA Lockdown
So I know what youre thinking. Where the fuck was I last night? Well to offer an interesting lie, I was putting shelves up prior to Lockdown, fell off a ladder and had to be taken to hospital. As such I missed the live discussion. That might have been tough for a few of you since, if I have learned anything over the past four years it is that people really do care about what I think.
It is also the current trend around these parts to spit out reviews of shows whenever possible. I deploy the quotation marks since the vast majority of such documents not produced by KB are not actually reviews as much as they are mind numbing dictations of what moves happened in what order. As far as the internet goes I hate reviews of wrestling shows almost without exception. The exception pretty much being when Klunderbunker is talking about a show I havent seen, in which case modest indifference is achieved.
So now that Ive thrown my weight around criticizing the art form there seems to be nothing left for me to do but to try my own hand at it thus rendering myself a minor hypocrite. My master plan is so faultless that I doubt any of you can even follow it. Thats how smart I am.
So, without further ado, aplomb or delay, the man who has been called the most intelligent blind TNA mark presents Lockdown 2011.
Dark Match Devon vs Anarquia
I didnt get to see this match, so the following review will be almost completely fictitious. A thoroughly uneventful outing that I question the wisdom of using as an advertising aid. Put simply, Lockdown is being sold based on the premise that it is full of cage matches. As such your promotional contest should be something that emphasises the values of a cage match. Eric Young vs Danny Bonodouche accomplished this twelve months ago (was it last year or the year before) with their sequence of cage spots. Devon and Anarquie completely failed.
Now I am not one of those people [fools] who believe that every cage match has to make extensive use of the cage. Thats dumb, and a sure-fire way to make the audience stop giving a shit about cage matches. That being said, when the sole purpose of a match is to sell the concept then the concept should be sold. We should have had Gunner bloodying Tommy Dreamer in a four minute, cage focused psudo-squash match. Leave us with the visual that Lockdown is going to be hardcore shit and that you better order the show before it starts to go down.
X Division Escape
I am not going to lower myself to writing words with unnecessary Xs in them. The literary merits of the Western youth is already in the toilet (that you very much mobile telephones) and I want no part of making it worse. Es and X are seldom pronounced the same and should not be considered interchangeable. If you think otherwise then you are a cunt.
This was just about what I expected. Im torn as to whether the crowd was poorly miced of they just didnt care about a lot of these guys. Im moved to suggest that it was a bit of both. On the subject of crowd noise, let the record show that the strongest reaction during the whole match was for one Buck hammering away at another Buck. Unlike X and Es, Generation Me are 100% interchangeable and could probably swap places in their feud without anyone noticing. Anyway, the point I am moving towards making is that, once again, it is shown that the audience cares more about a developing storyline than they do about generic guys doing flips. Take note.
Now that the show has begun I once again approve of the limited use of the cage. We all know that two out of the three matches at the top of the card are going to have big cage spots as centrepieces of them, and those will come across as for more impactful if the guys in the ring at the moment hold back. If Chris Sabin jumps off the cage then everyone will have forgotten about it by next week. If Kurt Angle does the same thing then well all be talking about it next year. Dont desensitize the viewer if there is no benefit to doing so.
Im not going to rate the matches. My opinions are far too complex to be represented by a simply number, and Xfear tells me that I am comfortably above the business of star ratings. This was OK if unspectacular as an opener. I wont remember much about it by next week and I think the elimination format made a couple of guys look somewhat week (not that it matters given who was in the match). In a word meh.
Promo
Bischoff talks for a while but doesnt really appear to say anything. I have no issue with the concept of the promo on PPV, I am simply unsure as to what the purpose of this was. It is worth noting that the crowd picked up for the simple mention of Hulk Hogans name. This is an unfortunate and oft overlooked consequence of getting out of Orlando. The further away from the Impact Zone you get, the more the crowds are going to pop for the big names, regardless of alignment. If Hogan is going to be a top heel then I would recommend trying to minimize his appearances in front of crowds that you dont know are going to be hostile.
Multi-Team Tag Match
I actually like Orlando Jordans gimmick. If you purely focus on him and ignore the way others respond to him then what I see is simply a sexually secure male who occasionally uses other peoples fear of the unknown against them. What I could definitely do without however is Taz and Tenay trying to inject humour into the situation. Mike Tenay could give the worlds best stand up comedy routine and it wouldnt be funny because he was delivering it. Taz is regularly amusing, but almost never intentionally. If you want a commentator to be funny then bring back Don West. There was a funny man.
Once again the crowd is hot for the veteran and nobody else. Let this match serve as a glowing example to all those idiots who question why Steiner has a job. Not only is the man a legend. Not only can the man still go in the ring. Not only does the man have a killer look and a personality that can go down in the history books but hes also over as fuck. If you dont think Scott Steiner should be employed then I dont think you should be allowed on a computer.
Eric Young trying to escape the cage was a very funny moment, although I question the wisdom of doing it twice. Scratch the escape attempt at the beginning and just use it to build the finish. It would be funnier. Tag team division looks to be pretty healthy. Im on record as being close to certain that Gen Me are not splitting up and I rather hope Inc Inc arent either. Somewhere down the line the Brits and going to have a fantastic program with Beer Money again and I look forward to it. The match was OK, certainly highlighted by Steiner. I could probably have done with few competitors in it, I rather left wanting to have seen more from pretty much everybody. Says good things about the future of the division, but not much about the match in question. Overall, meh again.
Womens Title Match
Madison has been quite a glowing success as champion. Ill hold my hands up and admit that I was surprised. Im disappointed that they are deconstructing her relationship with Tera, I found that to be interesting. Nothing can really be said about the match. If Mickie is indeed injured then I question the wisdom of putting the strap on her, but I suppose if theyd already introduced the shaving stipulation then they didnt have any other options. Im going to go ahead and call a title change on next Thursdays Impact and the proper beginning of Madison/Tera.
Joe vs Pope
I pretty much back TBAs booking through thick and thin, but Ill hold my hands up and say that Joe has been such a mess for so long that I struggle to care about his matches. This is Joes fault as much as anyone elses. The man is only capable of playing one character, which is the bad ass. Such a character is almost impossible to book outside of the main event because you keep having to contrive reasons for him to look vulnerable. Simply having him lose matches makes his character not look credible. I dont know what I would do with Joe to be honest, probably cram him into the X-Division and have him play monster for a year whilst praying to God that he manages to get over enough for another main event run.
The ring work was solid, arguably the best these two have done together. Joe looks more comfortable working at a faster pace that he was last night, mostly because if you take away being fast for his size then Joe doesnt have much going for him. Solid outing to bring closure to a lengthy feud. A little too much ass hanging out for my personal taste but I did appreciate Taz pointing out that Pope is not Orlando Jordan. They all look the same to me as well.
Morgan vs Hernandez
From pretend racism to more pretend racism. Matt Morgan is better than Hernandez in every single way, making this the only match on the card where I consider there to be a correct choice as to who goes over. It was teased by the commentators at the conclusion that Morgan was going to go back after the title. This means that either Dave Melrzar or Chris Cash is soon going to learn from an anonymous source that TNA is considering putting Morgan in the world title picture. Yay for journalism.
These two are not an ideal in ring paring. Both work best against smaller opponents who can sell their offence. Ironically Matt Morgan is better at selling Hernandezs offence than vice verca, despite being considerably larger. With the physical limitations taken into account this was about as good as it could be. A neat finish, a decent story, the right result. Not much more I can ask for. Post match shenanigans with Velvet Sky seemed to be of questionable necessity, especially given that Velvel in knee deep in her own feud right now.
Jarrett vs Angle
Wow. What can I say about this. Quite a lot actually, there were a number of problems with the early match that I totally forgot about by the final fall. Personally I think if you drop the 2/3 fall stipulation and add one kickout and one submission escape you actually get a decidedly better match.
Now, with that out of the way let us get to sexy issue of Kurt Angle. How the fuck is this man still alive? Seriously, he does this a couple of times every year and doesnt take much in the way of time off. If he is not proven to be a robot then I have to declare him one of the toughest bastards alive. The first fall off of the cage had me legitimately gasping in a way I havent since Taker face planted two years ago. No replays of the moonsault suggest he didnt hit it very well, but it still looked fucking impressive from where I was sitting.
Some people are bitching about the result. Those people can shut up. If you are bitching about the result then that does not mean the result was wrong, it just means to professional wrestling is working. You are supposed to want Kurt Angle to win and be pissed off when he doesnt. THAT IT WHAT PRO WRESTLING IS ALL ABOUT. If the booking staff gave the audience the result they wanted every single time then pro wrestling would be dull as shit and nobody would ever watch it. Do the world a favour and be quiet you hypothetical idiot.
Match was amazing. Not as good as Angles match with Anderson last year, but thats hardly a fair standard to expect anyone to meet. Best outing of the night, and arguably of the past six months. Oh, and as a minor aside, Angle using the cutter was not petty, it was not childish, it was not small. Nor was it a show of respect or any other kind of message. It was mildly amusing, and thats about it.
Sting vs Anderson vs RVD
I was expecting Anderson the turn. It would have made sense after Hogan fed him the doghouse members of Immortal and saved him from getting power-bombed off of the stage. Its quite nice to be wrong. This was a decent outing and a good comedown from the madness that had preceded it. Sting looked to be bumping harder than he usually does, probably making an extra effort after last month. The length was pretty spot on. Much longer and I fear this would have dragged, much shorter and it would have looked silly. In a very Goldylocks esqu situation this match length was just right.
What we did not get is closure on the title picture. Ill go ahead and say that this is good. The title feels more interesting to me when there are half a dozen guys who have a legitimate claim that they should be challenging for it. Immortal are going to want to be back in the picture before long, Morgan has made his intentions felt and Double J just defeated Kurt Angle again. Anderson and RVD probably arent going anywhere oh and AJ Styles is back. Come Thursday it will be very interesting to see how the title picture is lined up.
Lethal Lockdown
Let the records show that four TNA originals main evented the biggest PPV of the year and won. Another TNA original main evented the biggest PPV of the year and lost. A sixth TNA original was introduced at the close and got possibly the loudest pop of the night. Does anybody want to start ranting about how TNA bury all of their young talent? Anyone? Good. Keep it that way.
As Lethal Lockdown matches go this was one of the best. Eight men is much better to have in this situation than ten. I also enjoyed not having a ladder erected atop the cage for once. The finish was a little odd I dont think Roode has ever used that armbar before and given the frequency with which we see his actual finisher I cant imagine he will again. Its certainly the furthest away from being a big deal that it is possible to be, but it was a strange choice nevertheless.
A solid story, some good action and some very memorable spots. AJs return was particularly awesome and I derived great satisfaction from the pop he received. AJ will never be a good choice for world champion, but the day he wins it is going to be fucking awesome.
Overall it was a great show. The undercard didnt deliver too much, but thats why it was the undercard. The top three matches were all good, and two of them were great. Thats more than I can say for any other PPV Ive seen over the past few months, and that includes Wrestlemania. A very strong PPV outing for TNA that I would struggle to see how anyone could fail to find enjoyable. Not the stuff of legends, but a damn fine evenings entertainment.
Thumbs up.
So I know what youre thinking. Where the fuck was I last night? Well to offer an interesting lie, I was putting shelves up prior to Lockdown, fell off a ladder and had to be taken to hospital. As such I missed the live discussion. That might have been tough for a few of you since, if I have learned anything over the past four years it is that people really do care about what I think.
It is also the current trend around these parts to spit out reviews of shows whenever possible. I deploy the quotation marks since the vast majority of such documents not produced by KB are not actually reviews as much as they are mind numbing dictations of what moves happened in what order. As far as the internet goes I hate reviews of wrestling shows almost without exception. The exception pretty much being when Klunderbunker is talking about a show I havent seen, in which case modest indifference is achieved.
So now that Ive thrown my weight around criticizing the art form there seems to be nothing left for me to do but to try my own hand at it thus rendering myself a minor hypocrite. My master plan is so faultless that I doubt any of you can even follow it. Thats how smart I am.
So, without further ado, aplomb or delay, the man who has been called the most intelligent blind TNA mark presents Lockdown 2011.
Dark Match Devon vs Anarquia
I didnt get to see this match, so the following review will be almost completely fictitious. A thoroughly uneventful outing that I question the wisdom of using as an advertising aid. Put simply, Lockdown is being sold based on the premise that it is full of cage matches. As such your promotional contest should be something that emphasises the values of a cage match. Eric Young vs Danny Bonodouche accomplished this twelve months ago (was it last year or the year before) with their sequence of cage spots. Devon and Anarquie completely failed.
Now I am not one of those people [fools] who believe that every cage match has to make extensive use of the cage. Thats dumb, and a sure-fire way to make the audience stop giving a shit about cage matches. That being said, when the sole purpose of a match is to sell the concept then the concept should be sold. We should have had Gunner bloodying Tommy Dreamer in a four minute, cage focused psudo-squash match. Leave us with the visual that Lockdown is going to be hardcore shit and that you better order the show before it starts to go down.
X Division Escape
I am not going to lower myself to writing words with unnecessary Xs in them. The literary merits of the Western youth is already in the toilet (that you very much mobile telephones) and I want no part of making it worse. Es and X are seldom pronounced the same and should not be considered interchangeable. If you think otherwise then you are a cunt.
This was just about what I expected. Im torn as to whether the crowd was poorly miced of they just didnt care about a lot of these guys. Im moved to suggest that it was a bit of both. On the subject of crowd noise, let the record show that the strongest reaction during the whole match was for one Buck hammering away at another Buck. Unlike X and Es, Generation Me are 100% interchangeable and could probably swap places in their feud without anyone noticing. Anyway, the point I am moving towards making is that, once again, it is shown that the audience cares more about a developing storyline than they do about generic guys doing flips. Take note.
Now that the show has begun I once again approve of the limited use of the cage. We all know that two out of the three matches at the top of the card are going to have big cage spots as centrepieces of them, and those will come across as for more impactful if the guys in the ring at the moment hold back. If Chris Sabin jumps off the cage then everyone will have forgotten about it by next week. If Kurt Angle does the same thing then well all be talking about it next year. Dont desensitize the viewer if there is no benefit to doing so.
Im not going to rate the matches. My opinions are far too complex to be represented by a simply number, and Xfear tells me that I am comfortably above the business of star ratings. This was OK if unspectacular as an opener. I wont remember much about it by next week and I think the elimination format made a couple of guys look somewhat week (not that it matters given who was in the match). In a word meh.
Promo
Bischoff talks for a while but doesnt really appear to say anything. I have no issue with the concept of the promo on PPV, I am simply unsure as to what the purpose of this was. It is worth noting that the crowd picked up for the simple mention of Hulk Hogans name. This is an unfortunate and oft overlooked consequence of getting out of Orlando. The further away from the Impact Zone you get, the more the crowds are going to pop for the big names, regardless of alignment. If Hogan is going to be a top heel then I would recommend trying to minimize his appearances in front of crowds that you dont know are going to be hostile.
Multi-Team Tag Match
I actually like Orlando Jordans gimmick. If you purely focus on him and ignore the way others respond to him then what I see is simply a sexually secure male who occasionally uses other peoples fear of the unknown against them. What I could definitely do without however is Taz and Tenay trying to inject humour into the situation. Mike Tenay could give the worlds best stand up comedy routine and it wouldnt be funny because he was delivering it. Taz is regularly amusing, but almost never intentionally. If you want a commentator to be funny then bring back Don West. There was a funny man.
Once again the crowd is hot for the veteran and nobody else. Let this match serve as a glowing example to all those idiots who question why Steiner has a job. Not only is the man a legend. Not only can the man still go in the ring. Not only does the man have a killer look and a personality that can go down in the history books but hes also over as fuck. If you dont think Scott Steiner should be employed then I dont think you should be allowed on a computer.
Eric Young trying to escape the cage was a very funny moment, although I question the wisdom of doing it twice. Scratch the escape attempt at the beginning and just use it to build the finish. It would be funnier. Tag team division looks to be pretty healthy. Im on record as being close to certain that Gen Me are not splitting up and I rather hope Inc Inc arent either. Somewhere down the line the Brits and going to have a fantastic program with Beer Money again and I look forward to it. The match was OK, certainly highlighted by Steiner. I could probably have done with few competitors in it, I rather left wanting to have seen more from pretty much everybody. Says good things about the future of the division, but not much about the match in question. Overall, meh again.
Womens Title Match
Madison has been quite a glowing success as champion. Ill hold my hands up and admit that I was surprised. Im disappointed that they are deconstructing her relationship with Tera, I found that to be interesting. Nothing can really be said about the match. If Mickie is indeed injured then I question the wisdom of putting the strap on her, but I suppose if theyd already introduced the shaving stipulation then they didnt have any other options. Im going to go ahead and call a title change on next Thursdays Impact and the proper beginning of Madison/Tera.
Joe vs Pope
I pretty much back TBAs booking through thick and thin, but Ill hold my hands up and say that Joe has been such a mess for so long that I struggle to care about his matches. This is Joes fault as much as anyone elses. The man is only capable of playing one character, which is the bad ass. Such a character is almost impossible to book outside of the main event because you keep having to contrive reasons for him to look vulnerable. Simply having him lose matches makes his character not look credible. I dont know what I would do with Joe to be honest, probably cram him into the X-Division and have him play monster for a year whilst praying to God that he manages to get over enough for another main event run.
The ring work was solid, arguably the best these two have done together. Joe looks more comfortable working at a faster pace that he was last night, mostly because if you take away being fast for his size then Joe doesnt have much going for him. Solid outing to bring closure to a lengthy feud. A little too much ass hanging out for my personal taste but I did appreciate Taz pointing out that Pope is not Orlando Jordan. They all look the same to me as well.
Morgan vs Hernandez
From pretend racism to more pretend racism. Matt Morgan is better than Hernandez in every single way, making this the only match on the card where I consider there to be a correct choice as to who goes over. It was teased by the commentators at the conclusion that Morgan was going to go back after the title. This means that either Dave Melrzar or Chris Cash is soon going to learn from an anonymous source that TNA is considering putting Morgan in the world title picture. Yay for journalism.
These two are not an ideal in ring paring. Both work best against smaller opponents who can sell their offence. Ironically Matt Morgan is better at selling Hernandezs offence than vice verca, despite being considerably larger. With the physical limitations taken into account this was about as good as it could be. A neat finish, a decent story, the right result. Not much more I can ask for. Post match shenanigans with Velvet Sky seemed to be of questionable necessity, especially given that Velvel in knee deep in her own feud right now.
Jarrett vs Angle
Wow. What can I say about this. Quite a lot actually, there were a number of problems with the early match that I totally forgot about by the final fall. Personally I think if you drop the 2/3 fall stipulation and add one kickout and one submission escape you actually get a decidedly better match.
Now, with that out of the way let us get to sexy issue of Kurt Angle. How the fuck is this man still alive? Seriously, he does this a couple of times every year and doesnt take much in the way of time off. If he is not proven to be a robot then I have to declare him one of the toughest bastards alive. The first fall off of the cage had me legitimately gasping in a way I havent since Taker face planted two years ago. No replays of the moonsault suggest he didnt hit it very well, but it still looked fucking impressive from where I was sitting.
Some people are bitching about the result. Those people can shut up. If you are bitching about the result then that does not mean the result was wrong, it just means to professional wrestling is working. You are supposed to want Kurt Angle to win and be pissed off when he doesnt. THAT IT WHAT PRO WRESTLING IS ALL ABOUT. If the booking staff gave the audience the result they wanted every single time then pro wrestling would be dull as shit and nobody would ever watch it. Do the world a favour and be quiet you hypothetical idiot.
Match was amazing. Not as good as Angles match with Anderson last year, but thats hardly a fair standard to expect anyone to meet. Best outing of the night, and arguably of the past six months. Oh, and as a minor aside, Angle using the cutter was not petty, it was not childish, it was not small. Nor was it a show of respect or any other kind of message. It was mildly amusing, and thats about it.
Sting vs Anderson vs RVD
I was expecting Anderson the turn. It would have made sense after Hogan fed him the doghouse members of Immortal and saved him from getting power-bombed off of the stage. Its quite nice to be wrong. This was a decent outing and a good comedown from the madness that had preceded it. Sting looked to be bumping harder than he usually does, probably making an extra effort after last month. The length was pretty spot on. Much longer and I fear this would have dragged, much shorter and it would have looked silly. In a very Goldylocks esqu situation this match length was just right.
What we did not get is closure on the title picture. Ill go ahead and say that this is good. The title feels more interesting to me when there are half a dozen guys who have a legitimate claim that they should be challenging for it. Immortal are going to want to be back in the picture before long, Morgan has made his intentions felt and Double J just defeated Kurt Angle again. Anderson and RVD probably arent going anywhere oh and AJ Styles is back. Come Thursday it will be very interesting to see how the title picture is lined up.
Lethal Lockdown
Let the records show that four TNA originals main evented the biggest PPV of the year and won. Another TNA original main evented the biggest PPV of the year and lost. A sixth TNA original was introduced at the close and got possibly the loudest pop of the night. Does anybody want to start ranting about how TNA bury all of their young talent? Anyone? Good. Keep it that way.
As Lethal Lockdown matches go this was one of the best. Eight men is much better to have in this situation than ten. I also enjoyed not having a ladder erected atop the cage for once. The finish was a little odd I dont think Roode has ever used that armbar before and given the frequency with which we see his actual finisher I cant imagine he will again. Its certainly the furthest away from being a big deal that it is possible to be, but it was a strange choice nevertheless.
A solid story, some good action and some very memorable spots. AJs return was particularly awesome and I derived great satisfaction from the pop he received. AJ will never be a good choice for world champion, but the day he wins it is going to be fucking awesome.
Overall it was a great show. The undercard didnt deliver too much, but thats why it was the undercard. The top three matches were all good, and two of them were great. Thats more than I can say for any other PPV Ive seen over the past few months, and that includes Wrestlemania. A very strong PPV outing for TNA that I would struggle to see how anyone could fail to find enjoyable. Not the stuff of legends, but a damn fine evenings entertainment.
Thumbs up.
