Do you trust me now?

[LSN80]

I ran a thread about a month ago regarding trust in a marriage/relationship. I questioned users as to how they'ld respond to being cheated on, and if they could truly forgive and take back a partner who had cheated but immediately was filled with regret and desire to make the relationship work. The responses varied from person to person, and some great debate was had as a result.

Trust to me takes things one step further then forgiving someone. Not only that, but in the discussion of broken trust, it applies to far more then marriage or infidelity in any way. Children lose trust with their parents frequently because of lies told, curfews broken, and the crowd they run with. Employers lose their trust in employees as well for reasons too many to list. Let's not forget friendships- Things told in sceret that are revealed publicly can and have eradicated trust altogether in those that have grown up the best of friends. And cheating isn't the only way trust is broken in a relationship/marriage. Unexplained money disapearances, lost jobs that aren't revealed for some time and maintaining friendships a partner disapproves of that you agreed to end(not romantic, necessarily), are just a few ways in which trust can be broken. The sad thing about broken trust is that it can take a lifetime to build. However's it's so easy to break, and so difficult to repair, regardless of the forgiveness we extend to a person. Allow me to give an example of a breach of trust from my own life that was completely unrelated to a romantic relationship.

Three years ago, I had a friend come to me in great need. He told me he had housing bills he simply couldnt afford that month, and asked me if I would help him out. I told him Id send him a check- He lived 2 hours from me at the time. He thanked me for the offer, but said he needed the money that day. Why he hdnt asked earlier, I didnt understand. But he was a "close friend": so I acquiesed when he asked for my bank card number, despite obvious reservations. A month passed, and my statement came in the mail, showing that no only had he used it for far more then the agreed price, but he hadn't used it for the things he agreed upon. Unless Cable, porn, pizza, computer repairs and an Xbox Life acccount are household needs, then he lied to me. Further, the amount far exceeded what he had told me he would keep it to.

Id be a liar if I said this played out well. I gave my friend a deadline to pay me back, explaining what actions I would take if he failed to meet said deadline. He didn't meet the deadline, and the situation got far worse. I kept my word and took further, more drastic action, and only then did he pay me back. I didnt need the money to be honest, but it was the principle of the situation. My trust had been broken, and whether it was my place to do so or not, I wanted to teach him a lesson. This was three years ago, and Ive become pretty good friends with him again. But I still dont trust him, and Im doubtful Ill lend him a cent in the future. He had been a good, trustworthy friend to me my entire life, and it took one day to ruin that trust. It's funny- Ive had past relationships before my wife where my trust has been broken, and they regained said trust far easier then my friend did. Personally, I can't figure out why- Any guesses to help me out?

What is trust to you?

Has your trust ever been broken irreplaceably, destroying a relationship between you and another person forever? No details are required- But why was it such a strong betrayal?

Have you ever had your trust broken by someone close to you and the end result was the complete restoration of both the trust and the relationship?

Generally speaking, is there a group of people(romantic relationships, friends, family, co-workers; etc.) who you find it easiest to trust, and rebuild trust with? WHo is it the most difficult for you to initially trust, and rebuild trust with when it's broken? Why so?

As always, these questions are simply discussion points, so feel free to take this discussion in any direction you'ld like, adding any thoughts you feel are important!

 

[Mustang Sally]

"Fool me once, shame on you......fool me twice, shame on me."

Thinking specifically of the friend to whom you gave access to your bank account, that you could restore your friendship with him puts you miles ahead of me as a forgiving soul.....or maybe miles behind, depending on what happens between the two of you in the future. I might speak to that person again, but I doubt I could ever re-establish a friendship with him. As to the above quote, remember that it's his bad for taking severe advantage of your good intentions several years ago. But if you trust him again and he burns you...... don't look to anyone for sympathy, LSN.

Of course, a lot of it depends on the state of mind and individual circumstances and pressures he was under when he stole from you. On the other hand, there's never an excuse for stealing, and especially for breaking the trust of a lifelong friend. There are still two ways you can look at the idea of trusting him in the future.

Either you can figure that:

-What was happening to him then isn't happening now, so I'm sure I can trust him once more.

or

-If he did it to me once, he could do it again. He's already proven he'll betray me, so he can't tell me it's impossible for it ever to happen again.



What is "trust?" I saw this definition:

Trust is defined as "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence."

All that sounds fine, but remember that those factors can be altered by the circumstances and difficulties being faced by the person whom you've chosen to trust. Folks can often be trusted when things are going fine, but what will they do if they're in trouble? Plus, otherwise honest people often have a way of changing their opinions and values to deal with their problems. They can justify some of their worst behavior, and that's where we've got to watch out.

Concerning your friend, before I could ever reconcile with him again, I'd have to get the answer to two questions:

-Why did you betray my trust when I gave you my bank account information?

-You had to know I was going to find out about it, so what did you think was going to happen when I did?


He could possibly fudge his way through the first question......but how he answers the second one is what would determine whether I ever speak to him again or not.

 

[JWGunslinger]

Any guesses to help me out?
Frickin women man..... haha just kidding . But in all seriousness I would say because with people you've dated you have or attempt to have an intimate relationship whereas with a friendship it's platonic. I would say because of this difference you feel more invested in their friendship after your relationship has ended even if they did something to lose your trust, that has happened to me.

What is trust to you?
Being able to trust someone without any reservations is one of the best feelings in the world, but that is very very hard to find. Trust is being able to believe in someone's word or actions, and these days it seems to me that trusting people is much harder to do than it used to be. Back in the day when most of our parents were our age, a word was your bond and nothing was held higher than a man/woman that you could trust. These days things are so crazy that it's hard to know when you can truely trust someone and who you can trust.

Has your trust ever been broken irreplaceably, destroying a relationship between you and another person forever? No details are required- But why was it such a strong betrayal?
Probably but I can't say I recall specifically, I do have some memory of one such relationship being tarnished and I don't think it was because of one big problem but instead it was numerous breaches of trust.

Have you ever had your trust broken by someone close to you and the end result was the complete restoration of both the trust and the relationship?
Yes, i've had cases where someone close to me breached our trust and we fixed everything up after. We had to have a sit down and just throw everything out there and get both of our feelings out there and then in the end everything was fixed and we started off fresh.

Generally speaking, is there a group of people(romantic relationships, friends, family, co-workers; etc.) who you find it easiest to trust, and rebuild trust with? WHo is it the most difficult for you to initially trust, and rebuild trust with when it's broken? Why so? I would definitely say someone that you are in a relationship with is the easiest to trust, then followed by family and friends. The reason it's easier to trust someone you're involved with is because in most realtionships as they progress you learn more and more about eachother including more personal and secret information about the person, you need to have trust in order to get to this point and as time goes on learning these personal things about eachother without any breach of your trust then the trust grows and the relationship grows stronger.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Why would you ever give someone your bank account number? You should have done things the right way: cash money. Western Union is your friend.

I haven't been in your boat for quite some time, homey. I have a couple of people I'd consider friends, but I never put myself in a situation where I'd have to second guess my actions towards them. If a friend of mine needs money, I have a strict limitation of what I give them. Why? Because I won't be pissed if they don't pay me back or if they use it to party instead of using it for something essential. The same thing goes with what I tell people. Some may call me a pessimist, but it's my belief that all people like to talk and will spread your shit around if an opportunity presents itself. So, if I have an issue, I'll set up an appointment with a counselor, someone who's legally obligated not to divulge what was said during our meetings.

To me, the word trust always seems to come up when you feel uncomfortable over a situation (e.g., giving your bank account number to someone, telling someone that you slashed your boss's tires at the company Christmas party, not throwing a shit fit when you're wife decides to go on a four-day booze cruise with her single and desperately horny friends, etc.). My solution is to never put yourself in a situation like that in the first place.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Trust to me is being able to comfortably allow someone to know something confidential or perform certain tasks that you expect of them after having established how you feel about letting them have your trust. When the bonds of trust are broken they are incredibly hard to fix. Sometimes the closer you are to the person, the easier it can be to regain their trust. Other times, the action that broke the relationship is too severe to recover from.

I had a close friend that I had known since I was 11. That is over half of my life. My wife and I had trusted him with an important personal task. HE GAVE US HIS WORD that he would not break our trust. It turns out that he went behind our backs and stabbed us in the back. I would rather not reveal the details. It caused a family crisis that is still ongoing as of a month or so ago. He threw away a 10+ year friendship and that friendship is completely broken forever because of the severity of what he did, he single handedly destroyed my wife's side of the family emotionally.

There have been a couple of times when my trust was broken only for it to be completely restored. It takes action and a desire to recover from both sides. Otherwise the bond cannot be repaired. I tend to find it easiest to repair a relationship with someone closer to you since they are more important. Both sides have to want to see change though. Generally the less I know someone, the harder it is to initially trust them. I do not open up until my trust has been earned.

 

[Sheamus' Suntan]

Any guesses to help me out?

What is trust to you?

Has your trust ever been broken irreplaceably, destroying a relationship between you and another person forever? No details are required- But why was it such a strong betrayal?

Have you ever had your trust broken by someone close to you and the end result was the complete restoration of both the trust and the relationship?

Generally speaking, is there a group of people(romantic relationships, friends, family, co-workers; etc.) who you find it easiest to trust, and rebuild trust with? WHo is it the most difficult for you to initially trust, and rebuild trust with when it's broken? Why so?

LSN. First of all, I LOVE your threads. Like pretty much all of them in potluck

Next your questions.

1. Because he was a friend - someone you should never ever have reservations about and someone who you have trusted for years. Girlfriends/partners come and go, but your best friends are those who remain with you for life pretty much, Ive found this out by having 2 best friends whom one of them I've known since the age of 4, I'm now 22. So yeah...you trust those close friends more, and when the trust is betrayed, it's impossible to forgive them.

2. Absolutely, I think just about anyone has. My trust came from a friend who I had known for years. He went away with another friend of mine for a night, camping, which was their excuse for getting drunk, stoned and shit. He tried it on too much with my friend, and she came to me basically saying he tried to rape her. I lost the plot, exploding about it in front of him and his girlfriend of the time. I have never forgiven him.

3. I'm very very unforgiving. Things remain with me for a long time so no, i could never fully restore trust with someone once it has been broken.

4. Close friends and my fiancee are people I trust. I rarely trust family or other people with things that are close to me because I know what they are like and know what I say will end up with everyone knowing even if it's said in confidence. I don't trust anyone with lending items, other than incredibly close friends and my fiancee and my mother. That's as far as I go with trust, and I find it easier to trust those. Those same people though, if they did anything to make me doubt them, would not regain my trust, period.

The people I love the most are the people I trust the most, but are also the people who I will not trust if they give me a reason not to.

 

[Paralyzer Z]

1. Trust to me is the ablility to releif on someone maybe not all the time but at least mos the time.

2. A friend that i have known since second grade almost severed our friendship over the slow period of a year and a half. When we entered middle school he was still imature and had a high pitched voice. After six months in middle schoolhe was tired of being picked on so he stated to become like everyone else. He insulted me for being nerdy, smart, quiet, and for never really talking to girls (still dont do that much today). After annoying me about talking about opular stuff, kicking me in the nuts, and getting into fights all the time with other kids the climax came. But ultimatley after giving me an EPIC speech about wanting to express himself more and be popular he slowly went back to being wierd which made him my friend again.

3. In the story above I kind of used him for those first six months to annoy other people for fun. I do this to all my friends and make them annoy others for my pure enjoyment but this time it came back to haunt me and the situation above happened. But we restored our friendship before he moved away last year.

4. Is there any certain group I can trust the most? UH my family! Regardless of the fact that I am the oddest member of my intermediate family I can always trust them. they are family after all.

Oh, and great thread by the way (as expected from LSN).

 

[lenguy]

What is trust to you?

"the trait of trusting; of believing in the honesty and reliability of others"
Sounds good enough for me. Nothing more,nothing less.

Has your trust ever been broken irreplaceably, destroying a relationship between you and another person forever? No details are required- But why was it such a strong betrayal?

By somebody else? Hmm, I wouldn't go as far as irreplaceably. I was lucky enough to be bless with wonderful friends whom I have almost never had any real serious issues with. It seems I may actually be the odd one out. Mostly minor things, I've broken promises, I've lied about many things but I know when not to step my bounds. These were things I just picked up on over my childhood and they stayed with me for the better part of my life. I've been wronged and I've wronged people in return, nothing too damaging to cripple trust. I'm more of a forgive and forget kind of guy, but there are things that are unforgivable, I've just been lucky enough not to have been the misfortune of them yet.

Have you ever had your trust broken by someone close to you and the end result was the complete restoration of both the trust and the relationship?

As a young man, I've had girlfriends and as a young man with all sorts of emotions breezing by you and overtaking you with the force of a hurricane,it can prompt you to develop plenty of suspicion. I may stem from a truth issue but it may also be the simple fact that you are still young and you just feel its best to avoid and rid yourself of any pain and heartache altogether. Arousing your suspicions can lead to some major trust issues on both sides with the end resulting being the complete crumble of the relationship. Then again, its even worse when your suspicions are confirmed. That can derail your trust with that person for not only the remainder of the relationship but even for the rest of your life and future relationships of any kind. Depending on the trauma you associate with it,especially if its the kind of thing that happens frequently.

Generally speaking, is there a group of people(romantic relationships, friends, family, co-workers; etc.) who you find it easiest to trust, and rebuild trust with? WHo is it the most difficult for you to initially trust, and rebuild trust with when it's broken? Why so?

For me, the easiest ones to mend trust with are closest friends. I'm not sure why, but its just as if something happens that severs your trust a bit but as if in no time at all,things are just better again. I feel the best of friends can overcome anything if they don't allow the issue to tear them apart, but this can be unavoidable sometimes.

LSN, you mentioned that one thing, that maintaining friendships a partner disapproves of that you agreed to end...that is one thing I simply won't tolerate. I've been in that situation so often I'm completely dumbfounded as to how I always seem to find myself in the middle of it. Its destroyed friendships,created new ones and even restored them to an even better state. I've once had to choose between the women that would later become my first true girlfriend and one of my other friends who had grown weary of her. I was torn in both directions and so many issues rose with this one situation. Ultimately I chose his side because he was a master at guilt tripping you. But things never worked out,I eventually worked things out with my lady friend and we actually grow closer. Still,I know there has always been a trust issue because of it,its one of those things she held on to and never let go. The Irony of the whole situation was about 9 years later she placed me in the exact same situation with another lady friend. That's when I had enough and told her to fuck off, I was not going to be played like that. I'm at the wheel of my own life, not anybody else. It was the beginning of the end for us. Whatever, its her problem, not mine. I can only be jerked around for so long before I start resisting.

As always, these questions are simply discussion points, so feel free to take this discussion in any direction you'ld like, adding any thoughts you feel are important!

One thing I've learned is not to raise my expectations when it comes to trust. Realistically speaking, I have no idea who is truth worthy. Can I trust somebody just because they say I can trust them? Can I trust somebody just because I've known them for the longest time? Hell, I don't even trust myself half the time lol. If I lower the expectation,then the shock value will be much less significant when sometime does happen that tries to challenge my trust. Its more of a "Ah well...I guess I should have known" attitude I've picked up. Its probably not the best way of looking at the issue but I've found the practice to be a great relief for me so far. Trust is one of those things that is always repairable. If its gone one day, its not gonna be gone forever, it will only if you allow it to. As I've said, I'm more of a forgive and forget kind of guy..If I forgive and it happens again...ah well..I should have known..

 

[GI Cake]

What is trust to you?

Trust to me, is along the lines of friendship. If I can trust you with something as small as a little secret or as big as house-sitting while I am away, also means that I can trust you as a friend.

Has your trust ever been broken irreplaceably, destroying a relationship between you and another person forever? No details are required- But why was it such a strong betrayal?

Yes it has, I once had a strong and healthy foundation with this one girl I grew up with in Chicago. We knew each other more than we knew ourselves and we always around each other like we were attached from the hip. Needless to say when she did something to break and ruin the trust I was left pretty much hopeless, from that point on it was impossible for me to form a seriours or real realtionship with the opposite sex. I had my share of high-school flings, but nothing that was close to as emotional stocked that it was to the trust-breaking girl.

Have you ever had your trust broken by someone close to you and the end result was the complete restoration of both the trust and the relationship?

I guess I can say I am a sympathetic individual who believes in second chances. I tried restoring the trust between me and the lady friend but it was never the same as it was. So no, I have never been able to restore trust after betrayal in a realtionship.

Generally speaking, is there a group of people(romantic relationships, friends, family, co-workers; etc.) who you find it easiest to trust, and rebuild trust with? WHo is it the most difficult for you to initially trust, and rebuild trust with when it's broken? Why so?

Like I said above, the damage from my last relationship has made have overall trust issues with woman. I have nothing personal against the gender and hold no real bias but when it comes to personally trusting a woman with any emotional value but it all goes in vain. I wish I could rebuild my trust with woman so I can belong into a real and full relationship, but I guess the ability to trust will come back in time.

 

[ABMorales787]

I always trust depending on how much a person trusts me. I feel the obligation that if that person believes in me, I should return the favor. If a person asks you for some things, you expect them to do ask it because they believe in you and will return the favor as a sign of that mutual trust.

When that trust is broken, it will always be tough to repair that trust and doubt about that person's actions will always be there. Even after years of belief that the person has changed. The past paves the way for one's future and as long as that broken trust is there, it will always be remembered.