I was just emailed this and it may possibly be one of the funniest things I've ever read. And not just because it is about Chuck Norris, but more about the actual statements that are made below. I figured you could all enjoy it. Just keep reading them... they keep getting funnier on the way down.
Chuck Norris
1. Chuck Norris tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If youre still alive, its because Chuck Norris loves you.
3. Chuck Norris isnt hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
4. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cant see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
5. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
6. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
7. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
8. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
9. When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it effects the economy.
10. Chuck Norris doesnt teabag girls , he potatoe sacks them.
11. When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
12. Chuck Norris sleeps with his pillow under his gun
13. Chuck Norris didn't part the Red Sea, he only roundhouse kicked it so hard that it feared to ever part again.
14. When Chuck Norris uses TotalGym, the equipment even gets bigger.
15. Chuck Norris breaks the sound bearier just by farting.
16. Chuck Norris can leave the Hotel California anytime he feels like it.
17. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
18. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
19. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
20. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
21. Chuck Norris Isnt funny, stop laughing.
22. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
23. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
24. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
25. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isnt lifting himself up, hes pushing the Earth down.
26. Chuck Norris doesnt read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
27. Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
28. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
29. Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
30. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldnt stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
31. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
32. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more humane.
33. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
34. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees.
35. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
36. Chuck Norris only *********es to pictures of Chuck Norris.
37. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
38. The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris penis.
39. Chuck Norris came up with the idea for the Total Gym after trying to bench press his own penis. He found that he needed to start with a lighter weight and work his way up.
40. Godiva chocolate is made out of Chuck Norriss shit.
41. The foreskin from Chuck Norriss penis is used to cover Yankee Stadium when it rains.
42. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendys.
43. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
44. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
45. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
46. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
47. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
48. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this a slow Tuesday.
49. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
50. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
51. When taking the SAT, write Chuck Norris for every answer. You will score over 8000.
52. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
53. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monthers womb.
54. Chuck Norris doesnt bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
55. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
56. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
57. Chuck Norris doesnt understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been know to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris
1. Chuck Norris tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If youre still alive, its because Chuck Norris loves you.
3. Chuck Norris isnt hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
4. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cant see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
5. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
6. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
7. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
8. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
9. When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it effects the economy.
10. Chuck Norris doesnt teabag girls , he potatoe sacks them.
11. When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
12. Chuck Norris sleeps with his pillow under his gun
13. Chuck Norris didn't part the Red Sea, he only roundhouse kicked it so hard that it feared to ever part again.
14. When Chuck Norris uses TotalGym, the equipment even gets bigger.
15. Chuck Norris breaks the sound bearier just by farting.
16. Chuck Norris can leave the Hotel California anytime he feels like it.
17. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
18. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
19. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
20. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
21. Chuck Norris Isnt funny, stop laughing.
22. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
23. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
24. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
25. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isnt lifting himself up, hes pushing the Earth down.
26. Chuck Norris doesnt read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
27. Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
28. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
29. Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
30. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldnt stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
31. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
32. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more humane.
33. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
34. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees.
35. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
36. Chuck Norris only *********es to pictures of Chuck Norris.
37. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
38. The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris penis.
39. Chuck Norris came up with the idea for the Total Gym after trying to bench press his own penis. He found that he needed to start with a lighter weight and work his way up.
40. Godiva chocolate is made out of Chuck Norriss shit.
41. The foreskin from Chuck Norriss penis is used to cover Yankee Stadium when it rains.
42. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendys.
43. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
44. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
45. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
46. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
47. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
48. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this a slow Tuesday.
49. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
50. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
51. When taking the SAT, write Chuck Norris for every answer. You will score over 8000.
52. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
53. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monthers womb.
54. Chuck Norris doesnt bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
55. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
56. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
57. Chuck Norris doesnt understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been know to last for up to 15 days.
