Ace: This Is Culture

[Daniel]

Hi. Please, take a seat over there. My name is Ace. Despite being the WZCW Mayhem Champion and greatest professional wrestler in history, the powers that be still want more from me. They want to milk me for every bit of star power I have. So they’ve got me doing this: a review of music, film, books and anything else Vance and Ty deem “cultural”. Lucky me. Let's get started with something that supposed to resemble comedy.

14th March, 2012​

Film
This Means War​

Reese Witherspoon is hot. Let’s get that out of the way. Well, kinda hot. It’s that chin that puts me off a bit, y’know? Ya’ gotta believe it could have your eye out when you’re getting down. Still, that alone ain’t enough to put me off. Nah, the final nail in the coffin was finding out she’s 35. That’s way over the age limit for this ride. 30 or younger, please.

As for the film... look, I’m gonna level with ya’. I didn’t really pay attention to the film. It was that chin, man. I got vertigo from just looking at it. But the gist of it is this: two James Bond-wannbes try to impress the hot (albeit, chinny) blonde woman. Sound good? Then you’re clearly a woman.

In summary, if this film has taught me anything, it’s that WZCW needs more rivalries over hot chicks. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen Ricky Runn hanging with some dumb bimbo. Hmm. Target acquired...


- Ace

 

[Daniel]

29th March, 2012​

I ain't posted a review for a while. Sorry. I've been too busy winning. Actually, I'm still busy winning. So let's get to it.

First, though, I need to give ya' a bit of back story on how this review came about. Because let’s be honest, it’s not like I was gonna watch Hannah Montana: The Movie for nothing. No, our story starts in the locker room at a WZCW house show. I was busy polishing my title (not a euphemism) when Darren Bull enters the room, returning from his now routine ass-kicking.

Despite being the greatest Mayhem champion of all-time, I still have time for the little people. So I tried to make conversation with him. After a few minor pleasantries, I took it upon myself to ask him what his favourite movie was (in hindsight, I’m not sure why I tried to converse with one half of WZCW’s answer to LMFAO). Bull answered instantly. Almost too quickly, he said “Hannah Montana: The Movie”. “Hannah Montana: The Movie?” I replied, expecting his answer to be a joke. It turns out that humour isn’t Darren Bull’s thing (surprising, considering his haircut). This really is his favourite film. So, Darren, this is for you.

Film
Hannah Montana: The Movie​

If you take the ‘wrestler’ out of Ty Burna, what have you got? A dude one step away from being murdered/imprisoned/sectioned. Now, what has this got to do with film exclusively for teenage girls and shockingly bad wrestlers? Well, Hannah Montana relies on the sole principal that a blonde wig is the greatest disguise in history. Without it, this chick is a nobody. With it, she’s a megastar.

But the premise is just one reason why this movie blows. Like Stevenson Marquel in an elevator, it fails on every level. From the plot, to the acting, to the direction – all of it sucks. Even the cinematography. OK, I’m not exactly sure what cinematography is. But I’m sure it’s bad here.

But hey, you don’t have to take my word for it. Go watch it if you're a fan of wasting your time and/or like a girl whose voice doesn’t match their appearance. That ain’t me, though. That ain’t me.


- Ace