Spidey Revivey
Porn is okay here long as it ain't dudes.
(A satire)
Vince: "Hey...wake up...whaddaya got for me?"
Chairman of WWE and manly man Vincent Kennedy McMahon ratted the cage with Tyler Breeze's selfie stick. Several writers woke up blurry eyed and when they saw Vince, they scrambled to their feet knocking each other over in the process. Empty Starbucks cups and Dorito bags littered the floor.
Writer 1: "Well we wanted to give Elimination Chamber a twist in the Women's Division. We could make Naomi beat Alexa Bliss for the title and then at Wrestlemania run a Fatal Fourway for Smackdown like we were gonna do for Raw."
Vince: "I dunno Naomi doesn't really have a personality. Like, what's her gimmick?"
Writer 4: "She likes glowy stuff and she uses her butt as a weapon."
Writer 3: "I always saw the glowy stuff more as an aesthetic than a gimmick. Becky Lynch runs around in steampunk garb but she isn't a steampunk character. Alexa Bliss looks like Harley Quinn right now but she's not Harley Quinn, see what I mean?"
Writer 4: "So she is just a black woman with a big butt?"
Vince: "Woah Woah! Slow down, Writer-With-Circles-Around-Eyes. This is 2017. Don't make this a race thing."
McMahon shook his head at his caged writers.
Writer 1: "Naomi is so much more than an athletic woman that uses her butt. She has a gimmick. And when we figure out what it is we will tell you."
Vince: "Excellent. And what are we doing with the Cruiserweights?"
Writer 3: "We have our standard flippies and such, though in this day and age it is sort of useless having the smaller guys doing cartwheels when we have Main Eventers doing cartwheels too, so we thought to incorporate some REAL WORLD attributes to the characters."
Writer 3 pulled out a sheet of paper and cleared his throat.
Writer 3: "The Cruiserweight Champion, Rich Swann, has no parents. Not having parents is a huge sympathy card. All the best superheroes are orphans. So we thought 'hey, why not just say he has no parents every time he is on TV?'".
Vince: "Wait. That's it? Wouldn't a guy whose parents were dead kinda not want to be reminded of that when he's out there play fighting?"
Writer 1: "My records show TJ Perkins is champion..."
Writer 4: "I disagree with my colleagues here. We don't think it sends a very good message having a black man be known just for his parents not being around anymore."
The other writers looked at Writer 4 like he had grew antlers.
Vince: "WOAH. DUDE. It's 2017. If a black man has dead parents, then a black man has dead parents! Wake up. If this were a white man with dead parents, he would be treated equally. Because that. is. what. we. do here."
Writer 4: "We'd have him wear all black and shoot lightning from his hands, but I see your point."
Vince: "Aaanyways since we're kind've on the subject...what do you guys have for me regarding Bobby Lashley?"
The writers awkwardly stared at one another.
Writer 1: "You mean, Apollo Crews? He just smiles and does athletic stuff sometimes."
Vince: "No, no not him. I mean the tall one. Millions of Dollars."
Writer 3: "Titus O'Neil? Well we were making strides giving him a spokespersonlike gimmick. Dude was having a ball, ya know? But then the Cruiserweight Division swallowed everything and we don't know where he is anymore. Same for R-Truth to be honest."
Writer 1: "I miss Little Jimmy. R-Truth barely raps anymore either."
Vince: "That's because rapping is a stereotype among the African Americans, Writer-With-The-Estranged-Love-Life. We gotta mellow that shit out. So nobody knows what we're doing with Titus, R-Truth, Ezekiel Jackson, Naomi, Swann, and just about every other PoC. PLEASE tell me we can still say New Day's making waves 'round here."
Writer 3: "Alicia Fox is doing valet work now. Are we allowed to say valet?"
Writer 1: "Sasha Banks was doing incredibly well but then we fed her to the Samoan."
Vince: "Which Samoan? Roman?"
They each flipped through their papers, trying to find who it was she jobbed to. Eventually McMahon became bored and changed the subject.
Vince: "At least Jason Jordan is doing okay I think. Man, I should really consider giving some of my talent personality."
Writer 4: "Eh, Byron Saxton is still on commentary. We have that going for us."
McMahon nodded, seeing the silver lining.
Vince: "Why hasn't that other writer talked? He asleep? He's fired!"
Writer 1: "We're fairly sure he's dead, sir."
Writer 3: "For a couple of weeks now."
Writer 4: "We told you last time you talked to us."
Vince: "Hey...wake up...whaddaya got for me?"
Chairman of WWE and manly man Vincent Kennedy McMahon ratted the cage with Tyler Breeze's selfie stick. Several writers woke up blurry eyed and when they saw Vince, they scrambled to their feet knocking each other over in the process. Empty Starbucks cups and Dorito bags littered the floor.
Writer 1: "Well we wanted to give Elimination Chamber a twist in the Women's Division. We could make Naomi beat Alexa Bliss for the title and then at Wrestlemania run a Fatal Fourway for Smackdown like we were gonna do for Raw."
Vince: "I dunno Naomi doesn't really have a personality. Like, what's her gimmick?"
Writer 4: "She likes glowy stuff and she uses her butt as a weapon."
Writer 3: "I always saw the glowy stuff more as an aesthetic than a gimmick. Becky Lynch runs around in steampunk garb but she isn't a steampunk character. Alexa Bliss looks like Harley Quinn right now but she's not Harley Quinn, see what I mean?"
Writer 4: "So she is just a black woman with a big butt?"
Vince: "Woah Woah! Slow down, Writer-With-Circles-Around-Eyes. This is 2017. Don't make this a race thing."
McMahon shook his head at his caged writers.
Writer 1: "Naomi is so much more than an athletic woman that uses her butt. She has a gimmick. And when we figure out what it is we will tell you."
Vince: "Excellent. And what are we doing with the Cruiserweights?"
Writer 3: "We have our standard flippies and such, though in this day and age it is sort of useless having the smaller guys doing cartwheels when we have Main Eventers doing cartwheels too, so we thought to incorporate some REAL WORLD attributes to the characters."
Writer 3 pulled out a sheet of paper and cleared his throat.
Writer 3: "The Cruiserweight Champion, Rich Swann, has no parents. Not having parents is a huge sympathy card. All the best superheroes are orphans. So we thought 'hey, why not just say he has no parents every time he is on TV?'".
Vince: "Wait. That's it? Wouldn't a guy whose parents were dead kinda not want to be reminded of that when he's out there play fighting?"
Writer 1: "My records show TJ Perkins is champion..."
Writer 4: "I disagree with my colleagues here. We don't think it sends a very good message having a black man be known just for his parents not being around anymore."
The other writers looked at Writer 4 like he had grew antlers.
Vince: "WOAH. DUDE. It's 2017. If a black man has dead parents, then a black man has dead parents! Wake up. If this were a white man with dead parents, he would be treated equally. Because that. is. what. we. do here."
Writer 4: "We'd have him wear all black and shoot lightning from his hands, but I see your point."
Vince: "Aaanyways since we're kind've on the subject...what do you guys have for me regarding Bobby Lashley?"
The writers awkwardly stared at one another.
Writer 1: "You mean, Apollo Crews? He just smiles and does athletic stuff sometimes."
Vince: "No, no not him. I mean the tall one. Millions of Dollars."
Writer 3: "Titus O'Neil? Well we were making strides giving him a spokespersonlike gimmick. Dude was having a ball, ya know? But then the Cruiserweight Division swallowed everything and we don't know where he is anymore. Same for R-Truth to be honest."
Writer 1: "I miss Little Jimmy. R-Truth barely raps anymore either."
Vince: "That's because rapping is a stereotype among the African Americans, Writer-With-The-Estranged-Love-Life. We gotta mellow that shit out. So nobody knows what we're doing with Titus, R-Truth, Ezekiel Jackson, Naomi, Swann, and just about every other PoC. PLEASE tell me we can still say New Day's making waves 'round here."
Writer 3: "Alicia Fox is doing valet work now. Are we allowed to say valet?"
Writer 1: "Sasha Banks was doing incredibly well but then we fed her to the Samoan."
Vince: "Which Samoan? Roman?"
They each flipped through their papers, trying to find who it was she jobbed to. Eventually McMahon became bored and changed the subject.
Vince: "At least Jason Jordan is doing okay I think. Man, I should really consider giving some of my talent personality."
Writer 4: "Eh, Byron Saxton is still on commentary. We have that going for us."
McMahon nodded, seeing the silver lining.
Vince: "Why hasn't that other writer talked? He asleep? He's fired!"
Writer 1: "We're fairly sure he's dead, sir."
Writer 3: "For a couple of weeks now."
Writer 4: "We told you last time you talked to us."