The fingerpointing conundrum

[Poop Master Flex]

Throughout the world things will happen that aren't expected, ranging from death of a close family member to spilling a hot beverage on your lap. In short shit happens in life, things don't always go our way and that is to be expected. A lot of times this stuff can be avoided on our part but a lot of times instead of taking personal responsibility people often point the fingers because they don't have to.

Now before I go any further I understand sometimes a person really isn't at fault and there is nothing a person can do about it. For example if a person parks in a parking lot and comes back to find a drunk driver plowed into their car they have every right to point the finger, they couldn't have expected that to happen not could they have stopped it from happening. Situations like this however are not what this threads about.

I'm talking about the person who spills hot coffee on their lap and sue's a company because its too hot, or the person who cheats on their wife and thinks its alright because the wife has been emotionally distant for whatever reason. Too many times society points the finger without looking in the mirror first.

Throughout my life I've read and seen this happen all the time and it seems to be getting worse as time goes on whether its a family member blaming all their hardships on family and friends or a person refusing fault in a car accident when they ran a red light, not paying attention. There are a million other examples but these are 2 prominent ones that have happened in my life recently.

I feel its easier to point the finger than to look in the mirror but I also feel looking in the mirror first and looking at what you did wrong first make things a lot better in the long run and personally I feel if more people did this the world would be a much better place.

So what do you think.Are there any incident's in your life where this situation happened? Does society in general point the finger first? Would things be much better if we stopped doing it? What causes people to point the finger first?

 

[The Butcher]

I blame the lawyers and politicians.

It's human nature. Everyone has done it, even if it's as innocuous as stubbing one's toe and cursing out the coffee table. As you said, it's easier to blame than to assume responsibility. Of course society at large is guilty of it as well. Our tolerance of parents who blame media for their problem children or overweight people who blame restaurants for their weight issues are clear examples. I agree that the world would be a better place if everyone owned up to their actions rather than pointing fingers, but that's unrealistic. It's egocentrism in action. We value ourselves above others, so when we bring misfortune unto ourselves we think, "I can't be wrong," and proceed to look for a scapegoat.

 

[LSN80]

We, as human beings, are selfish people.

Let's face it: What's easier to do? Look in the mirror and take responsibility for your own problems, or to look outward and blame them on others? The latter, of course. When we blame other people for our problems, it's an easy out. We don't have to feel guilt, sadness, frustration, or even responsibility that comes along with it. Whether we want to admit it or not, none of us like to take responsibility. Taking responsibility is hard.

All of us know, I assume, what it is like to get caught up in the heat of the moment. Often, we find it near impossible cannot bear to see something painful in ourselves, so we do everything in our power to rid ourselves of it. The ugliness we feel about ourselves is easy to relocate and put upon someone else, much more so then saying those bad feelings actually apply to us. Rather, they apply to someone or something else.

Professional sports, even the individual ones, are the best example of this. The aging running back blames his drop-off in production on his offensive line, rather then looking in the mirror and seeing that's he's lost a step. The goalie who gives up 4 goals on 10 shots blames his defense for hanging him out to dry. Look at Dwight Howard, formerly of the Magic and Lakers, who is infamous for blaming his former teams for not being good fits for him, rather then acknowledge he may have not been the best fit for them. Golfers blame the conditions of the course, and tennis players "pull up lame" when they suddenly find themselves behind by large deficits to lower seeded opponents. And sports teams in general help foster this mentality, when they fire coaches for the play of their underachieving or aging stars.

It's selfishness and a lack of self-awareness that cause these situations to arise in life, both high profile and low. I have a fantastic relationship with my younger sister, mostly because we communicate well, even when we dislike the others actions. My twin sister and I? Extremely strained. We've essentially been locked in a 'stalemate' for some time, one in which both of us blame the other for the strain, and do so through our parents, rather then tackle the issue(s) that have been driving us further and further apart for the past 5 years. Myself, a 30 year old psychotherapist, has been an abject failure when it comes to practicing what I preach with regards to my own sister.

Why? Because it's so much easier to do then face the mistakes I've made over the past 5 years with regards to her, and instead, focus on the ones she's made.

 

[Gelgarin]

I'm talking about the person who spills hot coffee on their lap and sue's a company because its too hot

I don't care about the topic so I'm not going to talk about it - but this particular piece of anecdotal evidence always annoys me. The unfortunate elderly lady in question was served coffee that was at a dangerously high temperature, the spillage of which demanded an eight day stay in hospital so she could have skin grafts on sixteen percent of her body - as I understand it her medical treatment went on for multiple years.

There is absolutely no rational reason for serving coffee to a person at a temperature of 88 degrees C. That's a dangerous temperature to drink, let alone to contain in a fiddly paper cup and present to a senior citizen. McDonald's were firmly in the wrong in every area of this lawsuit - particularly the part where they ignored 700 previous burn incidents stemming from the coffee and the part where they got themselves into the lawsuit in the first place by refusing multiple quite reasonable settlement offers.

If you want an example of society's tendency towards finger pointing, look no further than people's tendency to criticize people they don't know over issues that they understand nothing about.

 

[Poop Master Flex]

I don't care about the topic so I'm not going to talk about it - but this particular piece of anecdotal evidence always annoys me. The unfortunate elderly lady in question was served coffee that was at a dangerously high temperature, the spillage of which demanded an eight day stay in hospital so she could have skin grafts on sixteen percent of her body - as I understand it her medical treatment went on for multiple years.

There is absolutely no rational reason for serving coffee to a person at a temperature of 88 degrees C. That's a dangerous temperature to drink, let alone to contain in a fiddly paper cup and present to a senior citizen. McDonald's were firmly in the wrong in every area of this lawsuit - particularly the part where they ignored 700 previous burn incidents stemming from the coffee and the part where they got themselves into the lawsuit in the first place by refusing multiple quite reasonable settlement offers.

If you want an example of society's tendency towards finger pointing, look no further than people's tendency to criticize people they don't know over issues that they understand nothing about.

Its a general example Gelgarin, not pointing the finger at that particular lawsuit. Working at a coffeeshop for a few years in my youth its something I would hear often, at least once a month not to mention I recently watched the episode of Seinfeld where Kramer was sueing for the coffee being too hot so its fresh in my head. Maybe I should make a new thread about assumptions next.

Also why come on a thread to complain about an example? If you have nothing to say about the topic or don't care about it then don't reply.

 

[Mustang Sally]

I blame the lawyers and politicians.

Add to that the police and insurance companies.

Sure, most negative incidents show that one party.....or both....are at fault. Yet sometimes, whatever happened was just an accident and there's no real need to firmly fix the blame on one party or the other. On occasion, neither party was looking to do wrong nor blatantly cause damage.....the sequence of events simply resulted in a negative outcome. The authorities have become so fixated on determining whose fault it was that they make the whole process unnecessarily complicated.

It's not surprising that the result of this blame-fixing is a lawsuit-crazy society. Once the blame has been assigned, the side not being blamed often starts "pain and suffering" legal actions that tie up the courts with litigation that might not have resulted if we weren't so consumed with fixing the blame in the first place.

 

[The Butcher]

Also why come on a thread to complain about an example? If you have nothing to say about the topic or don't care about it then don't reply.

And herein lies the conundrum. Is it his fault for complaining or yours for using the example?

 

[Poop Master Flex]

And herein lies the conundrum. Is it his fault for complaining or yours for using the example?

He accused me of not doing my homework on a particular lawsuit when I was using a general example. I guess I can see why he thought I was talking about that lawsuit which is my fault but its his fault as well for assuming before asking. My issue came with the fact he didn't give insight to the topic at hand, he simply came on to bitch and there's no logic to that, he complained for the sake of complaining.

It's the same with people who hate WWE but watch it anyway only to bitch about it. Why bitch? Why not just change the channel? It doesn't make any sense to me. I understand if you get paid to watch it but most of the time that's just not the case.

 

[The Butcher]

He accused me of not doing my homework on a particular lawsuit when I was using a general example. I guess I can see why he thought I was talking about that lawsuit which is my fault but its his fault as well for assuming before asking. My issue came with the fact he didn't give insight to the topic at hand, he simply came on to bitch and there's no logic to that, he complained for the sake of complaining.

It's the same with people who hate WWE but watch it anyway only to bitch about it. Why bitch? Why not just change the channel? It doesn't make any sense to me. I understand if you get paid to watch it but most of the time that's just not the case.

You both made an assumption it seems, and this is a good opportunity for me to revisit my first post. While assuming and finger-pointing aren't the same thing, they both exhibit our natural predilection for self-affirming thought. I say that meaning no disrespect to either of you guys, but only to point out that, like I said, this whole thing is just human nature. I brought this up in my first post but didn't explore it. Fortunately, Sigmund Freud did for me.

Part of Freud's body of work was detailing our defense mechanisms. Finger-pointing is an example of one: rationalization. We always seek to justify our behaviors, feelings, and opinions, especially bad or unpopular ones, through rationalizing them. Making excuses, finger-pointing, and passing the buck are all examples, and we are all guilty as hell. We're supposed to be. It sometimes serves us very well as without doing so, a person would run the risk of beating his or herself down psychologically. Being defensive shows that you value yourself (self-affirming thought, as I said earlier). It can go too far, of course, and societally, it arguably has.

So, it could certainly make the world a better place if we pointed the finger less often, but that's impossible. It would require a rewiring of the human brain. On the societal scale, lawyers, politicians, law-enforcement, judges, insurance companies, and a lazy populace ensure that it will only get worse. But of course I'd point the finger at all of them; I couldn't possibly be part of the problem.

 

[Poop Master Flex]

You both made an assumption it seems, and this is a good opportunity for me to revisit my first post. While assuming and finger-pointing aren't the same thing, they both exhibit our natural predilection for self-affirming thought. I say that meaning no disrespect to either of you guys, but only to point out that, like I said, this whole thing is just human nature. I brought this up in my first post but didn't explore it. Fortunately, Sigmund Freud did for me.

Part of Freud's body of work was detailing our defense mechanisms. Finger-pointing is an example of one: rationalization. We always seek to justify our behaviors, feelings, and opinions, especially bad or unpopular ones, through rationalizing them. Making excuses, finger-pointing, and passing the buck are all examples, and we are all guilty as hell. We're supposed to be. It sometimes serves us very well as without doing so, a person would run the risk of beating his or herself down psychologically. Being defensive shows that you value yourself (self-affirming thought, as I said earlier). It can go too far, of course, and societally, it arguably has.

So, it could certainly make the world a better place if we pointed the finger less often, but that's impossible. It would require a rewiring of the human brain. On the societal scale, lawyers, politicians, law-enforcement, judges, insurance companies, and a lazy populace ensure that it will only get worse. But of course I'd point the finger at all of them; I couldn't possibly be part of the problem.

I'm not gonna argue on that. Even with my last post I'm definitely at fault as well. One thing I've noticed in almost every argument both people are at fault in some way, and that's perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with rationalizing one's thought but its also a good idea to try and put yourself in the other person's shoes as well. Everyone has their own point of view, their own way of thinking and naturally there is always gonna be someone you don't agree with, this will always happen.

What I feel can change though is instead of putting absolute fault on the other person you can always look at what you did wrong as well and in most cases when it comes to an argument both people are at fault in at least some way. Everyone finger points but often the real issue comes with how far people take that fingerpointing and completely refusing to look at a situation from a different point of view. Maybe that is impossible but in my life I've seen some pretty hard headed, stubborn people that were able to break that habit.

They will still defend themselves and stand up for themselves and fingerpoint in essence but they have also learned to take a step back and look at a problem from a different angle as well. Although I can't speak for these people from my point of view it has seemed to do them a world of good and they seem to be happier and adjusted.

Hell, 2 years ago I was the definition of a finger pointer and stubborn as a mule, I always pointed the finger and would fight to the death to defend my way of thinking. In one of my arguments with my current girlfriend I learned that a lot of the fights we had over the last few years stemmed from the fact that I was stubborn as a mule and never looked in a mirror at my own faults. For the most part my opinions as a whole didn't change but what did change was my ability to look at the situation from their point of view and in doing so I could see some of the faults I made. I'm not saying that I still don't finger point and defend my point of view but I will say in looking at the other point of view has made our arguments a lot less heated and we can usually get to the core of the problem rather quickly to get it resolved instead of going off the deep end like we often did before. Once again I can't speak for her but I'm happier, she seems a lot happier and we are closer than ever.

A person is always gonna finger point but taking a step back and looking at your faults in a situation isn't an impossible feat and can do people in general a world of good. I can't speak for everyone but I can say it worked for me and a good chunk of people I know.

 

[Mustang Sally]

There's nothing wrong with rationalizing one's thought but its also a good idea to try and put yourself in the other person's shoes as well.

In other words......empathy. When disagreeing with someone else, or when sitting in judgment of them, this is a great quality to possess.....and one in which society falls far short.

Sympathy? That, we've got.....the ability of people to be absolutely dripping with sorrow for people we hear or read about in the news is what we excel in. Feeling so sorry for folks we've never seen or met and never will see or meet is something at which we're fabulous. Of course, after feeling the deepest of sympathy for them today, we will have moved onto something else by tomorrow.....but today; man, do we ever feel sorry for them.

As a quality, I like empathy better: it's considering the other person's situation or point of view and measuring it by saying: What if it were happening to me? If I were the accused in a court of law, that's how I would hope the jury could look at it.

 

[Fire Marshall Bill]

I have no problem looking in the mirror when that's the right thing to do. My parents raised me to understand when I make my own bed, I have to lie in it.

But really it comes down to what I've heard referred to in my country as, "The wussification of America." Everyone has become overly sensitive about everything. If you say something generally regarded as minor and insignificant and I don't like it, it's not my fault for being overly sensitive. It's your fault for saying it. Who gives a crap about freedom of speech? I was offended. But if you try and stop me from saying something I believe I have the right to say, oh boy am I going to bitch and moan.

Everyone has become unrightfully entitled and it's only getting worse. It started out as frivolous lawsuits. It's now become people becoming overly sensitive about political correctness.

The fact is people need to take responsibility for their own shit. But why do that when it's become all too easy to blame someone else? They might even make some money out of it.

 

[Poop Master Flex]

I have no problem looking in the mirror when that's the right thing to do. My parents raised me to understand when I make my own bed, I have to lie in it.

But really it comes down to what I've heard referred to in my country as, "The wussification of America." Everyone has become overly sensitive about everything. If you say something generally regarded as minor and insignificant and I don't like it, it's not my fault for being overly sensitive. It's your fault for saying it. Who gives a crap about freedom of speech? I was offended. But if you try and stop me from saying something I believe I have the right to say, oh boy am I going to bitch and moan.

Everyone has become unrightfully entitled and it's only getting worse. It started out as frivolous lawsuits. It's now become people becoming overly sensitive about political correctness.

The fact is people need to take responsibility for their own shit. But why do that when it's become all too easy to blame someone else? They might even make some money out of it.

Sad but true are is the first thing I think of when I read this post. It's ridiculous how sensitive people are these days and how easy it is to set someone off. It's the reason why Anti-Bullying campaigns and stuff like that give me a headache. I agree kids shouldn't get picked on but the truth is that's never gonna happen. Kids will be kids and bullies will always exist. You can't lessen it and you can't get rid of it.

Since the problem can't be eliminated why not try and teach kids how to deal with bullies instead? Teach them mental and emotional toughness and teach them to stand up for themselves and not take it. It's a lesson of life everyone should learn. If someone pushes you, you push back.

The more crazy shit that happens in the world the more it seems society tries to coddle and protect the masses. The problem is you're not protecting people by doing this stuff, you are crippling them and you're basically teaching them if something happens they don't like they are taught to run and cower instead of speaking up. But as you said why stand up for yourself if you can just sue and make some money off of it?

 

[H33LTurn]

Its part of taking responsibility for your own actions. If your wife is emotionally distant, sitting her down and actually talking to her would be a great way to start. It can be hard to express yourself as a guy because men arent supposed to have feelings but worse case scenario she'll leave you and you'll be free to look for someone who's a lot better at accepting you for who you are. If you spill coffee on your lap, man up and accept that you were clumsy. Right now, someone around the world just tripped and fell over. It could be a farmer, it could be someone who works at Wall Street. It doesnt make them any less human or successful. But as one commenter said, theres a culture of lawyers and lawsuits, particularly in the US, that says if you point your finger at exactly the right person or company, you will be receiving a very rewarding check for your losses.