Darth Vader's Intervention

Discussion in 'The Writing Gallery' started by enviousdominous, Dec 18, 2015.

  1. enviousdominous

    enviousdominous Behold my diction

    Jun 28, 2011
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    There comes a time when the most vile of villain reflects on their past deeds and relates their reasoning to existential philosophies while sharing a quiet moment with like minded pariahs.

    Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, The Candyman, Pinhead, The Thing (as Kurt Russell), Samara Morgan, Leatherface and Chucky all sit around a camp fire on a calm moonlit evening within the woods surrounding Crystal Lake.

    Freddy: Thanks for getting us this spot J-man.

    Jason: Hmmm.

    Candyman: I can't think of a more lovely way to spend an evening.

    Pinhead: It's good to just stop being so evil, or in my case sadistically enlightening, and just share a moment with people you can really relate to.

    Chucky: The only thing sadistic about you Pinhead, is the smell of that aftershave.

    Samara groans and nods her head.

    Leatherface: Okay you guys, enough joshing around. I understand that The Thing brought a friend.

    The Thing: Okay, people. We have a newcomer to our annual fireside chats, Anakin Skywalker.

    Darth Vader strolls out of the darkness to the area surrounding the fire and sits Indian style.

    Darth: It's Darth by the way.

    Freddy: Your name is Darth!?

    Darth: I go by Darth, yes. Darth Vader.

    Jason: Hmmm?

    Candyman: Weren't you a golfing midget at one time?

    Pinhead: That was Dorf, he's Darth.

    Samara tilts her head to one side in a confused manner.

    Leatherface: Look ya'll, the standards of what a normal name sounds like have never stood on us, so how about we not stand on them!

    The Thing: Enough, enough. We're a group of evil, so that means that Darth did something really evil.

    Darth: Yup, I sure did.

    Freddy sighs with annoyance.

    Chucky: Alright everyone, let's just be quiet so we can find out what Darth over here did that was soooo impressive.

    Darth: Thank you. Well, I was overseeing operations on The Death Star.

    Candyman: You already lost me man.

    Darth: It's like a big sphere made of steel that the galactic empire employed to control rebellions throughout the universe.

    The other members of the fireside chat stare at Darth with confused expressions.

    Darth: So like, imagine a spaceship. But now it's a sphere, so that observers might mistake it for a moon or something.

    Pinhead: A moon!? How big is this thing!?

    Darth: Umm, I think it was sixty two miles in diameter. We use metric in space.

    Samara groans loudly and her eyebrows raise up in a startled manner.

    Leatherface: Wait; there are dwarf planets in the known universe that are sixty two miles in diameter. How many people do you employ on this spaceship?

    Darth: Well, I mean, it's more like a space station. And we have roughly one and a half million people on deck at any given time.

    Chuckie: Where does all the poop go!?

    Darth: I'm.. I'm sorry. What?

    Chuckie: You've got over a million people crapping on a floating toilet.

    Darth: Yeah, we eject it into space.

    Chuckie: Wouldn't you have a tail trail of poop following your space station everywhere it goes?

    Darth: Look, can I just get into what I did that makes me so relatable?

    Freddy: Yeah, anything to help us forget about your floating shit castle.

    Darth: Thank you. Now then, I was wanting to send a message to the rebel alliance...

    Candyman: You lost me again man.

    Darth: ...and to do so I gave my blessing to the notion of blowing up the planet of Alderaan and...

    Jason: SAY WHAT!!?

    Everyone sitting around the campfire freezes in place with expressions of shock and absolute horror.

    Darth: I... blew up a planet.

    Freddy: A planet... with people?

    Darth: Roughly eight billion people, yes.

    Samara immediately snaps to her feet and runs away while shrieking in terror.

    Candyman: So all that planet's history. Its technologies, its wonders...

    Chuckie: Its environmental impact on its local solar system even!

    Darth turns to The Thing.

    Darth: Look, I was told that people would understand me here.

    The Thing: You did NOT tell me that you blew up a planet. I thought this was something having to do with you torturing your daughter or that hand solo guy.

    Darth: Sure, I left out the part about the planet.

    Pinhead: What happened to the Death Star!?

    Darth: What do you mean?

    Pinhead: You blew up a planet, while your space station was the closest object with a gravitational pull. Surely molten debris from the explosion was sent rocketing toward you.

    Darth: Look, it wasn't the first death star we ever built. Blowing up the planet was kind of a test run, and we learned that you couldn't just blow up a planet while sitting right next to it in a giant space station.

    Leatherface: But, you're here now. What happened?

    Darth: Well, I saw the death and destruction headed our way and got the hell out of there. I think a few other people made it out in time, they popped up here and there.

    Freddy: So the million and a half crew members?

    Darth holds his fists together and spreads his fingers apart while making a "wushhh" sound through his voice emitter as if to imply an explosion.

    Candyman holds his stomach and begins to hyperventilate.

    Jason stands up cautiously and slowly but timidly backs away into the dark woods.

    Darth pulls out his lightsaber handle.

    Darth: Do you guys want to check out my light saber? It's really cool!

    Darth deploys the beam of the light saber, which stabs into The Thing severing his arm causing tentacles to spread out from the wound.

    The Thing: DUDE!! WATCH IT!

    Darth: What!? Sorry. Check this out.

    Darth stands up and spins his bright red light saber around. All remaining members of the fireside chat run away in terror swearing to never commit acts of evil ever again.
    The Butcher likes this.
  2. The Butcher

    The Butcher 📶

    Jan 15, 2013
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    As a lover of obscure references, I tip my cap to you.

    Chuckie's just saying what we're all thinking.

    Well done.


    One thing to consider is to make the character names stand out. Color, italicizing, underlining, or a combination thereof.
  3. enviousdominous

    enviousdominous Behold my diction

    Jun 28, 2011
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    Duly noted, thanks for the feedback!

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