BOVINE UNIVERSITY "Deglutiens Tripe Prohibere" Call me The Grinch, because "there's one thing I hate: all the noise, noise, noise, noise!" Unfortunately for me, I don't live on the outskirts of Whoville, where the noise pollution is caused by gleeful songs and play. I live on Earth, where far too often the noise is much less jovial. So, before I tie these reindeer antlers to my dog's head, put on my hat and coat, and ride down to take away all your noisy guns and noisy bombs and noisy demagogues, I'm going to raise my voice over the din and hope that something resonates. Sit down and shut up. 1st Period: Firearm Safety WHAT. THE. FUCK. This wasn't even on the syllabus until this year. I can't lecture the foreign terrorists for linguistic reasons, but Americans should know better. It's almost 2016. If you want to inspire fear and paranoia in this country, you don't go shooting people. You run for president. Get with the program, people. Now look: if you're planning on shooting a group of people because you're a loser or a racist or want to fight for the babies, turn the gun on yourself. If you're shooting people just because your ilk has gotten away with it for over 200 years, remember that your dashcam is rolling and everyone has a camera phone. And if, by some miracle, you just want to shoot at paper targets or clay pigeons or wild game, have fun and be safe! Just for the love of all that is sweet and merciful keep a close eye on your over-medicated, under-parented teenager. 2nd Period: Political Science The old adage used to be that it is "better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." Now the conventional wisdom seems to be "FIRST!" Either that, or all of those "FIRST!" posting morons are now of voting age and registered as Republicans. Hmm... Well, either way, it certainly seems that our society at large respects voicing any opinion quickly over forming a good one before sharing it. It has fueled social media, and now it's driving the presidential campaign of noted bloviator Donald Trump. Even if it's not exactly the conservative Dream Team he's up against, there should be at least one with the brains, balls, and bankroll to stand up to him. There isn't, so Trump's brashness is winning the day. While observers from the coasts are still waiting for his poll numbers to plummet, those of us in flyover country have long listened to this same rhetoric (just with more twang) and are not shocked by any of this. Personally, I'm campaigning for The Donald. Saves me arguments and still accomplishes the goal of keeping a Republican away from The White House. 3rd Period: Lunch Norovirus, my ass, Boston College. That 'ChipotlAway' episode of South Park came out 6 years ago. There are laxatives that make you shit less. Kids need to stop hating on Monsanto and ask them to GMOD up a burrito that won't make you shart your skinny jeans. 4th Period: Athletics and Irish Literature In a tightly locked storeroom at Gillette Stadium, there is portrait of Tom Brady that was painted by Bill Belichick in 2001. Due to Belichick's dark magic, the picture of Brady ages so that Brady himself does not age. Only explanation. 5th Period: World Wrestling Entertainment WHAT. THE. FUCK. 2015 has been a steady stream of low blows to wrestling fans, and it's not over yet. Good Ol' J.R.'s death may have been a hoax, but considering this year's depressingly long list of injuries, deaths, and just plain bad news, everybody who has ever been around a WWE ring should ride out the rest of 2015 in a bunker. They should be safe if they hunker down next to Raw's ratings. I'd take credit for leading an exodus if the ratings drop started sooner. WWE is bad. Anybody who's still saying things like "let's see where this goes" and "if they book it right it'll be great" is a grade-A moron. It's going somewhere bad and they won't book it right. Oh, but NXT is the oasis in the desert isn't it? I mean it has slick production, a tight run-time, and a roster that at points has looked like an indy all-star team. It's brilliant, and it's working brilliantly. It keeps top talent away from the bigger independents/foreign promotions, keeps the 'smart' audience placated, and gives WWE addicts hope that Triple H will turn the Raw ship away from the proverbial iceberg when Vince McMahon passes away. It's really working out great. Wait, what? NXT's purpose is developing talent for the main roster? Really!? Yeeesh! If WWE dropped any more balls it'd have to change its name to 'Ted Ginn, Jr.' Punk is the go to, naturally. I still want to punch every dummy that acted like Damien Sandow losing to John Cena was the best thing to ever happen to him. Sting got stung. Welcome to the big leagues, kid. Cody Rhodes had to ditch all the gimmicks that worked until he hit on something shitty. I feel like I wrote that backwards but that's what happened. Cesaro exists purely to toy with your emotions. Neville is a year or two from legitimately getting the blue dot that was joked about for Christian. Rusev went from monster to cuckold and is now a monster cuckold. That's a character arc of sorts, I guess. Who else? There's little doubt in my mind that Tyler Breeze's near-future tag team with Fandango will work great against the Lucha Dragons. Oh yeah, Kallisto. You know, if you pretend that he's Cruiserweight champion and that Raw is Nitro from 1997, then he's doing great. Gotta suspend disbelief when you watch wrestling. The boys are doing magnificently compared to the girls, though. The Divas Revolution is going so poorly William Tecumseh Sherman should be showing up on Raw any week now to burn it all down. Good lord what a mess. Faces? Heels? Who needs 'em!? All women are catty anyway, right? Just throw the ones no one is chanting for in there with The Miz for a half hour, and then have the dark ones dance with the dark guys. Becky who? Done and done. Now, I know what you're all thinking, and the answer is no. I was not away writing for WWE this past year. But speaking of those "dark guys" I mentioned... Remember those innocent times when we all speculated what the nascent stable of Xavier Woods, Kofi Kingston, and Big E Langston would become? Some lobbied for a serious stable, others for shuck and jive. We should have known which was going to win out, and to the credit of those three men, they're making it work. Too well, one could argue. I mean is it that hard for WWE to fill time? As if it wasn't already painfully obvious that both shows are two hours too long, WWE runs The New Day out every 30 minutes now as if their Negro dance magic can resurrect the 8,000 dead bodies in the audience. At the pace The New Day is running through their material and with the roster being as thin as it is, WWE should go ahead and give those ugly belts back to The Rock's kids (nephews? cousins?) and split The New Day up. Woods and Big E could kick Kofi out and maybe Kofi could get back some of that car smashing intensity he had 30 or so years ago at MSG (feels like that long, at least). Big E could reinstate the 5 count and make Kofi and Xavier really feel the power! They could split 3 ways and WWE could be all, "See Nate Milton! We're not racist! We've got all these black guys doin' stuff and Alicia Foxx is a Bella. C'mon guy." Or they could just keep running out there until they're not over at all anymore and are sent back to midcard hell. Lots of ways it could go if they book it right! Homework -If you're a gun owner and not a member of a militia, write a 1,200 word essay explaining why you should be protected by the Second Amendment. Cite your sources. Only one source can be affiliated with the National Rifle Association. -Wrestling fans must watch all of Lucha Underground season one, and write a 400 word essay on how excited they are for season two. An exclamation point is not a word. In fact go ahead and make that a 30 word paragraph. -Be thankful. Be kind. Bo-lieve. "And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say - that The Butcher's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then - the true meaning of Christmas came through, and The Butcher found the strength of ten Butchers, plus two!