Graveside
Here lies Stanley Rogers.
That was all the tombstone read. No date of death. Certainly no date of birth, for even Stan himself was never truly sure. He was convinced he was born sometime in the summer, but the year was most definitely up for debate.
There were no flowers beside the grave either. But this was almost certainly at the behest of Rogers himself, who believed naturally colourful things to be too feminine.
Sitting six feet and one inch (Stans shoot height) away from the tombstone was Ace Stevens. His clothing was the same as it always has been (although as a sign of respect, he had switched out his usual white v-neck for a more mournful black). His body language, however, was remarkably different to the usual abrasive nature the WZCW fans had grown to love. His legs were crossed, as if he was a small child again, waiting to be read a book by his grandfather. He was also playing with strands of grass, aimlessly. Tearing at them slowly as he spoke.
Im not really sure what to say here. In the films it looks so normal. But to be honest, I feel like kind of an asshole right now. I mean, you cant hear me. But I guess theres some things I gotta say to you all the same.
I guess the main thing is Im sorry. Im sorry for the things I said. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. Id Superman that shit. But I cant. Its just
its just I had no idea you were that in to The Big Bang Theory. Ill be honest, I didnt even know that you could work a TV. And Im sorry for what I said about Sheldons characterisation. I guess some things are better left unsaid.
I also need to say thank you. I wasnt really up to much before I met you. Didnt know hammerlock from a wristlock. A fishermans suplex from a northern lights suplex. A ring rat from a fine, upstanding young lady. Everything that I am as a wrestler, I owe to you. Well, everything good about me as a wrestler.
Im facing the Elite Openweight champion next week, by the way. Not for the title. Not yet, anyway. But things are going well. I lost to Justin Cooper, but only because of his buddies. I beat Tony Mancini and War Zone. Oh man, War Zone. You should see the size of this guy. Youd like him. Probably. The only man Ive met who hates Nikita Khrushchev as much as you do. Did. Fuck.
You taught me so much. Everything I know, really. And I know that if you were here now, wed be in the Rogers family chamber, working on rest holds, strikes and stuff. Youd probably have some weird plan for me to beat Callie Clark, too. Like that time you helped me beat Ricky Runn by making your granddaughter attack me. Or when you kept punching me for no real reason. Obviously I hated it at the time. Your fists were like Christmas hams. But now I would do anything to be punched by you again.
Do you remember that time we were in southern California for a show? And it was raining and you said it reminded you of that song by Albert Hammond The Free Electric Band? Then we sang it together. How we sang. And then you looked into my eyes and said something to me which I never forgot. You said treat every match like its a championship match. In hindsight, it wasnt in keeping with the moment. But the meaning wasnt lost.
As a single tear runs down Aces sullen face, a familiar voice is heard.
What the hell are you doing, son?
Ace recognises the voice immediately. It is unmistakable. He instantly turns his head to see Stan Rogers watching him from a careful distance.
A GHOST! FUCK!
Stevens picks up a small rock and prepares to hurl it at the apparition.
Put it down, son. I aint a ghost.
Youre a- what the
why would you? You faked your own death?
An ex-wife cant collect alimony from a dead man.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Listen, kid, Ive done it eight times says Rogers, counting on his fingers.
No, nine. Most of them were to get the IRS off my back, to be honest.
I
I cant be doing with this right now. Goddamn lunatic old man
Ace mutters angrily as he walks away, leaving a very much alive Stan Rogers staring at his own grave. This would be poetic for most people. But, of course, Stan Rogers doesnt believe in poetry.
---
Forty five minutes have passed. Aces anger has somewhat dissipated, as Stan bought him two Happy Meals from a nearby McDonalds. Ace received the same toy from both (a Wonder Woman bobble head). But he didnt much care. He was just happy to see his mentor alive and in living colour. He was also delighted to have a large banana milkshake in front of him. But, primarily, his happiness was Stan Rogers-related.
Right, I gotta know. What the hell were you doing, son?
What?
You know what Im talking about. Crying is for children, women and the French. And as far as I know, you're in your thirties, got a pecker and you're from New Amsterdam.
New York.
Really? When did they change that? Look, not important. Whats important is that you stay mentally tough for your title match.
Its not a title match.
Do you remember that rainy day in southern California? Where we listened to Albert Hammond? Do you remember what I said?
Ace sighs.
Treat every match like its a title match
Exactly. So this is now a title match. Now tell me more about this Callie broad.
Well shes deceitful, full of herself, rich.
Sounds like my fifth wife.
And, yknow, hot
What? Like, shes warm? Well I mean, shes gotta be if shes from California. But I dont-
No, her names Callie. Shes not from Cali. Shes from New York. But it aint Brooklyn. Shed probably faint if she ever came to BK. And shes a cosplayer.
A what now? Come on, son, speak English.
Cosplay. Its dressing up and stuff, but not just for Halloween. Look.
Ace gets some images of cosplayers up on his phone and shows them to Stan.
But why? asks Stan, genuinely dumbfounded.
Fun, I think.
MLP furry cosplay? Whats that? enquires Stan, as he innocently clicks on the recommended link.
Jesus Christ, this country is due another war.
Stan throws the phone on the table.
Right, son. Action stations. Weve gotta talk strategy. Cause I aint having you lose to that. You say this Callie character is arrogant, devious and stuff? Well youve gotta be everything she ain't. You got it? You've got a love length, she's got a love basket - that's one key difference already. She likes dressing up all the time, you ain't changed your clothes since 1992. There's another.
1991.
Whatever. So if she's lying all the time, you gotta be honest. If she's arrogant, you've gotta be humble.
I am humble. I'm the most humble guy in this restaurant. Look at my face - my beautiful, beautiful face. Does that not say humble to you? I'm like Ghandi or Keanu Reeves. Or that monk that set himself on fire. Look, Callie Clark? Shes got nothing on me. Shes some stuck-up Manhattan chick whos keeping the title warm for me. We good, bro. We good.
NO! shouts Stan, slamming his fist on the table.
Patrons look up from the Big Macs. Children stop playing in the ball pit. Stan edges his face towards Aces, to the point where their noses are touching.
Youre very close to me.
I know, weve been through a lot together.
I meant physically.
Shut up.
Okay.
If I ever give you one piece of advice, son, let it be this. Never underestimate a woman. I underestimated a woman once. Once.
I know youre waiting for me to ask for the stor-
The year was 1938 begins Stan, reclining in his seat.
I was to work the 2nd Annual Whitley City Fair in southern Kentucky. The promoter asked me who I wanted to work with, I said give me anyone and he gave me
her. Ermantrude the Great. German, she was. She had hands like trashcan lids. I swear I saw her eat a piece of chicken in one go. What a woman she was. When she stepped in the ring with me, I was both terrified and aroused. And do you know what happened in the match?
I dont but Im sure youll tell me.
Thats right, she put me in a Boston crab and didnt let go until my back snapped like a goddamn Oreo. That is why you never underestimate a woman, son. Have a gameplan for Callie. Or shell break you like Ermantrude broke me. Now what say you to heading down to the Rogers family Chamber and doing a bit of training for this match.
If by Rogers family Chamber you mean the local strip joint and by training you mean buying a ridiculous amount of steak and cigars, Im there.
That sounds much better, son. Now tell me more about this War Zone guy. Sounds like a good man.
Tall but dumb.
Sounds like my sixth wife.
The two men laugh as they walk off into the sunset with one another. Alert WrestleZone Championship Wrestling, for the odd couple of industry is united once again.