WZCW 24: Randy Studd
Randy Studd, self-proclaimed lothario, has the biggest match of his career to date tonight at Unscripted, he will defend his Mayhem title. Having competed at a local event in Ottawa, he is driving to the arena in Toronto this evening where he will face Vox in the title match in what will be either a title on a pole match, ladder match or a hit opponents finisher to win.
"I suppose the difficult thing is not knowing how I'm going to win. Vox is a stalwart in this division, and I can appreciate that he has his merits, but there's absolutely nothing charitable about what will happen in this fight. I know my way around a huge pole, and Vox is a little short in that area, so I have no doubt that I could win there."
Studd spoke as he drove, the crew struggled to contain their s******s.
"And as for the ladder match, I mean, I've been climbing to the top since I got here whilst Vox has stayed a little more, well, grounded, if you get what I'm saying. If there's one thing ol' Studd is good at, it's getting people flat on their back while he rises to the occasion, now don't get me wrong - I don't usually do that sort of thing with men, but I can use some of the old magic."
You can literally hear the cameraman's eyes rolling in their socket.
"What's the other match?"
A disembodied voice from the crew responds "embarrassment match"
"Ah the embarrassment match, well that one might be a sticking point. I mean don't get me wrong, it won't take much to embarrass that cretin. I mean, look at him. Why is he always wearing sunglasses inside? Has he got cataracts?"
Studd laughed at his own joke before continuing.
"He's a total embarrassment. But the problem is, from what I can gather, Vox's finishing move is being pinned. The guy is a loser, literally. Vox is the kind of guy who goes to watch a wet t-shirt contest and they run out of water. I don't know what his finishing move is, but what I do know is that there's not a move in the book that I can't make, so when they announce it at the start of the match, I'll just segue from some sweet karate into whatever the move I need to make is"
The journey has been long and arduous but Studd has finally found his way to the outskirts of Toronto, and to his hotel for the evening.
The Motel 6 reception desk was staffed by a pretty girl with her hair up in a pony tail. Studd turned to the camera.
"Watch this, I'm going to get myself an upgrade"
He then approached the desk and began to speak, feigning a terrible British accent.
"Good tidings, fair wench, methinks I have a reservation to stay until the morrow"
"Why are you speaking in medieval language?"
"I have no comprehension of what thou means! I am merely a citizen of the Great British err.. realm."
"Right... Ok... Name?"
Studd replied, in his usual brogue.
"My government name is Randall Studd, but you can call me Handy Randy, sweet as Candy"
"What happened to your accent, Mr. Studd"
"Nought has happened to mine parlance!"
"Whatever... room 413" She went to hand him the key.
"But I must say, your tone of voice has been like a lilting music to mine ears. I simply love the American accent, our cousins across the pond, Uncle Sam and his nephews and nieces, yes, America is the greatest country after our own exalted shores"
"I'm Canadian"
Studd lost his accent again.
"Of course! I knew that, Canada"
He found his accent before continuing.
"A dominion of the Commonwealth. The Old Country in the new world! What brings you to the wrong side of the tracks of North America as it were. Perhaps it is your people who should build Mr. Trump's barrier. This town is quite something. I believe it to be the worst I've ever been to. Why would someone so dashing as yourself leave the Queen's own country to come here."
"This is my home town"
"But you're Canadian?"
"Yes"
Studd turns to the crew and speaks in his usual accent.
"I thought we were in Toronto?"
Before the crew have had the chance to act, the receptionist responds.
"We are in Toronto. Toronto is in Canada. Please take your room key and go to your room."
"Well on that note, I have some further points of discussion"
"And stop doing that accent"
Studd makes a fishing rod gesture to the camera, and suggests he has hooked in the receptionist. He gives a wink to the camera and is just about to turn around when she interjects.
"I can see you, you moron"
Studd changes tack.
"Look, real talk, we've had a long trip and there's nothing I'd like to do more than kick back in your penthouse suite and you know, maybe you'd like to join me, maybe you'd like to let your hair down, maybe you'd like to bring some champagne. I don't know, maybe you'd enjoy it."
"I sincerely doubt that, anyway we don't have a penthouse suite"
"Then your best room on the top floor, overlooking your fine city"
"All the rooms are identical"
"On the top floor"
"This hotel only has four floors, you're already on the top."
Studd seems happy about this.
"Maybe I'll see you later"
"Maybe you won't."
"Look this isn't Hollywood, I'm not going to force you up there. But maybe you're hormones will"
"Maybe they won't".
Studd turns to the crew smugly satisfied.
"You just have to know how to deal with these ladies. Just secured myself the best room in the hotel."
Randy spent the rest of the night in the hotel. The receptionist never arrived.
Join us later for Part 2.
