Date night had arrived. No cancellations, no falling through tables, no nonsense. Randy Studd and the girl with the clipboard were finally going to have their first date.
Studd had his car in for a service, so he thought about ordering a limousine. Upon seeing the price of doing so, he quickly baulked at the idea. As it was, he stretched to an Uber Black. Within a matter of seconds Mohammed (4.75 stars) was on his way in a black Lexus E50. Black surveyed the car, and was impressed by the look. He put in the girl with the clipboard's address and on they went.
"Would you like to listen to the radio, sir?" Said Mohammed with 4.75 stars.
"Yes please, could you put the Easy Listening Smooth Love Song radio station on please?" Studd replied, smirking at the genius of his decision.
As the soulful voices Marvin Gaye, The Temptations and Al Greene filled the airwaves, Studd allowed himself a sense of relief. He had put on his lucky grey shirt, he had covered himself in Lynx Africa, with two sprays of Armani Blue Jeans into the bargain. He had bought the fragrance at a cut price rate from a market stall whilst on tour. The only problem with it was that it smelled slightly musty and the bottle read "Armarni Blue Genes", which Studd felt was an economy worth making.
He saw himself pulling up to the girl with the clipboard's house, and he asked Mohammed (4.75 stars) to keep the engine running.
"No can do, boss, only one stop per journey." Said Mohammed with the 4.75 stars.
He continued "I tell you what though, boss, if you give me a good rating, I'll hang around here so you can order another Uber and I'll be right here."
Infuriated, Studd got out of the taxi, and awarded Mohammed a mere 2 stars for his insolence. Seeing that he had now become Mohammed (4.72 stars), the Lexus driver pulled away, shaking his head as vigorously from side to side as the air Magic Tree air freshener on his rattled around its string.
Studd didn't care, he could easily order another cab, and he wasn't going to waste time worrying about it, he had a far bigger issue. He had written down the girl with the clipboard's address, but he hadn't written her name down, and he had forgotten it, having forever associated her with the clipboard, as if she had been born with an extra, wooden limb.
He looked at the scrawled address on the post-it note he produced from his pocket, removing the fluff that had been stuck to it. Reading in the dull sodium glow of the streetlight, he could see he was in the right place. Mohammed with 4.72 stars hadn't let him down at all. He regretted giving the bad review, but not as much as he would come to regret the decision later in the evening.
Studd walked up the drive, but he could feel a sense of foreboding dread as he did so. There were three cars in the driveway. Whoever she was, the girl with the clipboard did not live alone. If it wasn't her who answered the doorbell, he could be in serious trouble. His posture began to wilt as much as the petrol station flowers he carried in his left hand. With his right, he reached for the doorbell and rang.
Coming towards him, he could see the figure of a large man through the translucent glass of the front door. It opened wide, and sure enough a gargantuan of a man stood before him. Older, wiser and threatening, but wearing a knitted jumper with cats on it.
"Can I help you, son?" he asked, in the precise sort of gruff voice you'd expect.
"Yes, Mr..." What had Studd done. Embarrassed that he didn't know the final word in that sentence his eyes began to wander around the garden looking for inspiration. As if by divine intervention, a car drove past, its lights illuminating the mail box in the garden just enough to show the letters JONE embossed upon it.
"...Jone" Studd was able to continue.
"It's Jones" said the gruff man.
"Of course it is, Mr Jones. My apologies." Studd was speaking very meekly, not wishing to upset his future father in law.
"What do you want?" Replied Mr. Jones.
"I'm here to pick up your... daughter". Studd had weighed up the brother and uncle lottery and thought this was most likely.
"My daughter?"
"Yes!" Black had struck gold.
"Which one?"
Oh hubris, again the vanquisher of Studd.
"Err..."
"Actually, you know what, I recognise you from the TV, you're a wrestler right?"
"Yeah! Two time WZCW Mayhem Champion, as luck would have it. Well, I mean my opponents are lucky it's two time, as I never should have lost it at all."
"My daughter's a pro wrestler, but I guess you knew that."
Studd stared at him, puzzled. Mr. Jones then shouted into the house.
"Jezebel! Some guy is here for you, he's got flowers!"
"Jezebel?" Studd had trouble believing the sweet girl who had given him a chance could possibly have such a name.
"Yeah, it's not her real name, but she rejected being called Sam, as that's her patriarch name." Mr. Jones looked doleful at this. "But you already knew that as her friend, I'm sure."
Jezebel appeared. Studd was sure that she was the girl with the clipboard, but she was different, and not just because she wasn't carrying what had become her defining characteristic. Her hair was dyed, and shorter. She seemed a little more rugged in her dress than he expected, as she wore fishnet stockings, a mini skirt and the biggest Doc Martins he had ever seen. He was dumbstruck.
"You wanted me?" Jezebel lacked the sincerity and warmth in her voice that he remembered from the speed dating night.
"Err... yeah... I'm here for our date." He said, confused.
Jezebel laughed in his face.
An agonising one minute and seventeen seconds later, Jezebel stopped laughing and immediately took a more stern tone.
"I would never go out on a date with one of the architects of the patriarchy like you. I got into wrestling so I could fight back against creepy men like you, and you're lucky my training is not yet over."
Studd was lost for words. He stood in awe as Jezebel tore his heart out in front of him. He thought to himself that it must be something in the name, as that woman in the Bible had turned out to be a bitch too.
He was staring straight past Jezebel when he hear the voice that would change everything. He heard her before he saw her.
"Randy?! So glad to see you!"
Then, stood besides Jezebel, she was there. She was a lot more in keeping with his memory of the girl with the clipboard. Still without a clipboard, but her hair still long and blonde. Facially, she bore a striking resemblance to Jezebel, but she had a lot less metal stuck through it.
"I see you've already met my twin Jezebel. She's not really called that, but when I last called her Jenny, she tore my head off."
Jezebel nodded in agreement.
Studd was still finding it difficult to put the words he wanted to say into action, he still didn't know her name.
"Are you ready, Miss Jones?" He enquired, thinking himself to be the Kasparov of conversation.
"I certainly am Mr Studd!" She took the flowers off him and gave him a thank you hug, before turning to her sister. "Don't wait up Jezebel!"
Janie handed Jezebel the flowers.
"I won't, Janie!"
Jamie! Sweet Lord the gods were onside with Randy Studd, he had negotiated the situation better than could be imagined and now he was finally out on a date.
No sooner than they had left and closed the door, and the flowers were already in the bin. Jezebel Jones did not do flowers.
Outside, Studd was about to learn the error of his ways.
"I'll get us an Uber, Jamie"
He waited. And waited. And waited. Eventually an Uber was on its way. Not the luxury Lexus of before, but a Ford Cortina, somehow still allowed to run on the network. Pavel (2.37 stars) was on his way.
"Where going sir?" asked Pavel, with the 2.37 stars.
"Happiness" said Studd, before adding "wherever my Jamie wants to go!"
"Francesco's Italian Eatery please" said Janie.
"No problem" said Pavel with the 2.37 stars, before adding "in Poland, I office work. Here I taxi" apropos of absolutely nothing.
The journey should have taken 20 minutes. Pavel (2.37 stars) made it in 4, delivering his ashen faced passengers to the restaurant at approximately 4 times the speed limit. Pavel (2.37 stars) may have felt overqualified as a taxi driver, but he was anything but. To him a speed bump was a take at speed bump. Battered, and despite having seriously shortening the life spans of all concerned, they made it to the restaurant. Delighted to have arrived in one piece, Studd awarded Pavel 3 stars more than he should have, giving him 4.
Pavel (2.38 stars) was now heading in the right direction, but showed very little gratitude for it. Feeling queasy, Studd made it as far as the reservations desk before his churned-up delicate stomach found its way out of the body and all over the Maitre d'.
Studd was mortified, but he was unsurprised. Italian food had been repeating on him a lot lately, and he thought that the smell of the restaurant must have been what set him off.
At least, that's what he told himself. He had been pent up with rage that Mancini had taken his title, his life blood and he could find himself getting angrier the longer they stayed in Francesco's. Not that he was particularly welcome. He imagined that the door men who asked him to leave were Mancini family henchmen, but the reality was they were just two large men on minimum wage.
So with her pick out of the window, he took her to the most upscale, classy establishment he could think of. The Cheesecake Factory.
Studd decided to impress with an order of wine.
"Can we have the Merlott please?"
"Sir, that's pronounced Merlo" replied the Sommelier, which was actually just a waiter.
The conversation flowed as quickly as the wine and Janie was smitten by Randy's charms, to the surprise of literally everyone that had ever met him.
He took her home on the bus, not wishing to face the challenge of the Uber lottery again. On the way there, he fell asleep on her shoulder, dribbling a little bit, but she had a smile on her face.
Once they'd arrived at her house, he decided to play his ace.
"Jamie, I've had the best time tonight, I'd love for it to continue"
"Oh Randy, I'm so tired"
"Maybe you could just have a nap, while I give yo ass a tap"
"I don't think so, not tonight. I had a lovely time"
"Me too, do you think I could ask you out again sometime, Jamie"
"It's Janie. You've been getting it wrong all night"
"So sorry!"
Despite her slightly souring tone, she felt herself soften as she looked at Studd's puppy dog eyes. This guy was difficult, and quirky, but there was an innocence she found cherishing.
"Why don't you give me a call tomorrow and we'll sort something?"
And for the first time in his life, Randy Studd had a second date.