To stay or not to stay?

[LSN80]

The story is familar, as its something Im sure we've all been affected by in some way in our lives. Whether it be through personal experience or watching a loved one go through the pain of an affair, there are emotional and mental consequences that tend to reach far and wide with regards to their cheating spouses. My best friend has been through this very experience.

My friend and his wife were 18 and 19 respectively when they got married. My friend had always been laid back, and not affectionate whatsoever. His wife knew this going into the marriage, but assumed he would change once they married. He didnt, as my friend fell asleep on their wedding night before they could consummate the marriage. The big joke we bantered around with them was that his First Anniversary gift to her was sex for the first time. In seriousness, I was close to both of them. She would often vent to me about her frustration about the lack of sex in their marriage, and he would come to me saying she was too aggressive. They managed to make it work for several years however, but eventually she became frustrated, and had an affair with a co-worker. She came clean, but resumed the affair 6 months later. He forgave her for the second time when she admitted her guilt. The third time was too much, however, as she cheated with one of his close friends, and despite desperate pleas from from her family and friends, he left and divorced her.

Are their cases more severe? Sure. A cheating spouse who impregnates or is impregnated by their lover is far more difficult to navigate, but any affair is universally bad. I joke about my wife and her being pregnant and who the real father is in the Bar Room, but I wouldn't joke if i wasn't 100% sure that the child is mine. From my experience, the pain of the affair is heartbreaking, but the choice whether to stay or to go is equally agonizing for some. Leaving depends on factors such as religious beliefs, the depth of hurt, influence from family or friends, repetitiveness of hurtful behavior, and more. For example, a woman may stay with her physically abusive husband because her religious beliefs are that she can divorce him only if he commits adultery. On the other hand, a woman may discover her husband’s one-night-stand more than twenty years ago and decide the pain is so strong that she cannot live with him again. Everyone has different tolerance levels, a different capacity to forgive, and different levels of feeling for their significant other before the discovery of the affair. Im curious as to yours.

What factors would you consider if your spouse/significant other revealed an affair in deciding whether to stay or go?

Are there scenarios regarding cheating that would be impossible to forgive and for you to stay?

How would you react if your spouse/significant other came to you tearfully, claiming they truly loved you and made a mistake, and revealed they were pregnant/had impregnated someone else?

Any other thoughts and discussion are welcome. Feel free to take this in any direction you choose.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

What factors would you consider if your spouse/significant other revealed an affair in deciding whether to stay or go?

The only thing that would make me stay with them is money. As long as life with them was bearable and they let me spend their wealth freely, I honestly couldn't give less of a fuck what they did. I'd split for any other reason, even if we had kids. I'd rather our kids hate me for the rest of their lives than run the risk of either a) wanting to kill the other man or b) socking their mother in the face right in front of them.

Are there scenarios regarding cheating that would be impossible to forgive and for you to stay?

I'd leave unless I enjoyed their wealth and there was no way of getting my hands on it other than staying married to them. The only scenario where I'd leave a wealthy woman is if they got HIV. I'd rather live long in a relatively uncomfortable financial situation than have a shit ton of money but probably not have the time to spend it in good health or at all.

How would you react if your spouse/significant other came to you tearfully, claiming they truly loved you and made a mistake, and revealed they were pregnant/had impregnated someone else?

So long as I got to put my hand in the cookie jar with the cash money dollar dollar bills y'all, I'd raise the little fucker and maybe even call it mine.

 

[H33LTurn]

What factors would you consider if your spouse/significant other revealed an affair in deciding whether to stay or go?

Sex, I guess. Its one thing to become attracted to someone else and flirt for a while but if they had sex thats crossing the line in my book.

Are there scenarios regarding cheating that would be impossible to forgive and for you to stay?

I dont think I would be able to forgive any scenarios regarding cheating. Its simple, someone was out loving someone else when they should've been loving you. If they found love someone else good for them, they can go keep it.

How would you react if your spouse/significant other came to you tearfully, claiming they truly loved you and made a mistake, and revealed they were pregnant/had impregnated someone else?

I would forgive them but I dont think I would be able to love them the same. It would definitely put a strain on the relationship.

 

[Mustang Sally]

My friend had always been laid back, and not affectionate whatsoever. His wife knew this going into the marriage, but assumed he would change once they married.

From what I've seen over many years, this is one of the great failings that women possess; you see it far more in women than in men. They choose the wrong guy, even knowing as they're doing it that he's wrong for them. They look at what's out there and decide they want the bad boy, or the lazy boy, or the inattentive boy......or a combination of all the bad qualities you can ever find in a single human being. Or, as in the case cited, it's not that he's a bad guy; it's simply that he's unsuited to her.

Yes, she knows he's got these negative qualities but she figures she'll change him once she's gotten him to the altar. Or worse, she hasn't gotten him to marry her, but already has the baby these gals are dying to have before they reach the end of their teenage years. Then, she mistakenly figures she'll change him into the man she wants him to be.

After awhile, she's in family court trying to get this guy to fulfill his obligations as a husband and parent, crying to the judge about his failures, only to have the judge yell at her:" Look at him. What did you expect? I've known him for 5 minutes and can see he wasn't going to do right by you. You picked him, knowing in advance what he was like."

Yes, I realize I've diverged from the original point of LSN80's post. In the case he cites, the guy is a good person and it must be recognized that this is often the case. But the girl in his example is still responsible for this failed relationship; not only because she cheated on multiple occasions.

Her greatest failure was that she chose the wrong guy for her in the first place....and look at the years of anguish and pain it caused both of them.

 

[hatehabsforever]

What factors would you consider if your spouse/significant other revealed an affair in deciding whether to stay or go?

This is one of the easier questions that I have seen posed in the Wrestlezone Potluck. There would be one factor and one factor only that I would consider if my spouse revealed an affair, especially along the lines of how I would classify an affair. Did the affair actually happen? If it did, the relationship is over, no exceptions, no excuses. No other factors need to be considered. After the ultimate act of betrayal, it's over. Now it's just a matter of working out the logistics, because there would be no salvaging the relationship in my opinion.

Are there scenarios regarding cheating that would be impossible to forgive and for you to stay?

I cannot imagine a scenario involving cheating that I would consider forgivable. All scenarios would be unforgivable in my opinion. If the affair happens, the relationship is over. Of course I wouldn't be going anywhere, I would be staying. She would be the one to GTFO.

How would you react if your spouse/significant other came to you tearfully, claiming they truly loved you and made a mistake, and revealed they were pregnant/had impregnated someone else?

If she came to me tearfully enough, I would offer her a box of Kleenex. Then I would show her the door. A pregnancy would only make my stance here that much more forceful. It would not take a pregnancy to make me take this approach, but said pregnancy would make the situation that much worse. If she loved me, she wouldn't have cheated on me, and there's no excuse in the world to justify it. Alcohol, a moment of weakness, previous marital unhappiness, whatever, none of it would justify marital infidelity. After providing the box of tissues, I'd advise her to obtain a good divorce lawyer, then I'd show her the door.

 

[Deexter Jorgan]

In my case i don't know if there has or was an affair, I've been married to my wife for nearly 6 years, together for 7 we seperated last december when she kicked me out of our marital home because she felt that i was cheating on her with someone else.

despite my please our arguements got worse and police were called, she used the law to manipulate me and take my children away, eventually she managed to get a none molestation order telling others that i beat her to a pulp on seperated ocassions, I cried because i couldn't see my children and had no way of seeing my new born son at the time.

Time went by and I found out that she was pregnant with our fourth child, I don't know if its mine or someone elses, i've been away from her for a very long time, six months to be exact, I still visit my children and do whatever i can for them, she has asked me on a number of ocassions to move back and hopefullly repair our broken marriage, but I'm hesitatant because of her betrayal, her lies and manipulation of the law.

do i know if the childs mine?, no, will i raise it as my own, yes

no matter what or how i felt about her there is one thing that keeps us in eachothers lives, the fact that we have our children, they are a representation of our love and i will do right by them and attempt to get my marriage back on track but for now I will take baby steps.

The fact is no matter what has happened in our lives or what will happen next the one thing that stops people from going back is forgiveness and love for your partner, if you feel that you cant trust your partner then there is no point in going back ever.

but with trust comes responsibility to one another, ive even stated to my ex that if she did cheat and she wants to move in with her other then go, i would rather shed be happy with someone else then settle for me.

As long as i have my kids ill be fine no matter what

 

[hatehabsforever]

In my case i don't know if there has or was an affair, I've been married to my wife for nearly 6 years, together for 7 we seperated last december when she kicked me out of our marital home because she felt that i was cheating on her with someone else.

despite my please our arguements got worse and police were called, she used the law to manipulate me and take my children away, eventually she managed to get a none molestation order telling others that i beat her to a pulp on seperated ocassions, I cried because i couldn't see my children and had no way of seeing my new born son at the time.

Time went by and I found out that she was pregnant with our fourth child, I don't know if its mine or someone elses, i've been away from her for a very long time, six months to be exact, I still visit my children and do whatever i can for them, she has asked me on a number of ocassions to move back and hopefullly repair our broken marriage, but I'm hesitatant because of her betrayal, her lies and manipulation of the law.

do i know if the childs mine?, no, will i raise it as my own, yes

no matter what or how i felt about her there is one thing that keeps us in eachothers lives, the fact that we have our children, they are a representation of our love and i will do right by them and attempt to get my marriage back on track but for now I will take baby steps.

The fact is no matter what has happened in our lives or what will happen next the one thing that stops people from going back is forgiveness and love for your partner, if you feel that you cant trust your partner then there is no point in going back ever.

but with trust comes responsibility to one another, ive even stated to my ex that if she did cheat and she wants to move in with her other then go, i would rather shed be happy with someone else then settle for me.

As long as i have my kids ill be fine no matter what

First of all DJ, my condolences for the difficult times, hopefully things work out well for you, regardless of the outcome. Keep your kids uppermost in mind, they'll need you there.

All due respect, though, this is a little different than the question posed by LSN. You said she accused you of cheating, you neglected to mention if her accusations were justified. Not to pry into your personal affairs but that's a big part of the question at hand. If she falsely accused you, there's no infidelity for her to forgive, it's just a matter of you forgiving her for the false accusation. If her accusations were accurate, the issue then is can she forgive you, rather than the other way around. If she has such capacity to forgive (if it's true), congratulations to her, I wouldn't have the same forgiving nature. You also said you don't know if child #4 is yours or not, yet you never said that you had suspected her of having an affair. If she had no affair and he child is yours, again no infidelity to forgive. If she did, you would have to decide if you could forgive or not. Again, I know I could not personally.

I would say that in my opinion, children are not a reason to remain in a doomed marriage. I don't think kids benefit from that in the least. If both of you are happy, independently, that will benefit the kids far more than if you are together but miserable and fighting.

And you would rather her move on with someone else rather than "settle for you?". Odd choice of words, pal, maybe you should give yourself a little more credit.

 

[Sheamus' Suntan]

What factors would you consider if your spouse/significant other revealed an affair in deciding whether to stay or go?
- I would go. Regardless. There are no "factors" to this for me. I wouldn't eve marry into a relationship or be in a relationship for money as I like to give more than anything anyway, and I could NEVER be with someone if I felt they didn't at least 'like me'. To me, cheating or having an affair is a sign that someone does not like, or find you attractive. They find other people attractive, if they find you attractive, they would not have a need to sleep around.

I would leave REGARDLESS of any other circumstance. Even as a father of a child who is 18 months old, if my partner ever cheated on me, I would finish it and fight for parental custody. No discussion needed.

Are there scenarios regarding cheating that would be impossible to forgive and for you to stay?
- Any scenario regarding cheating. How do you stay with someone you cannot trust?
To me, love is broken down into several core components.
Passion/Attraction
Trust
Respect

Now...I know they sound corny as qualifying brackets go, but Passion/attraction are key and fundamental. Trust is an absolute necessity and to me, respect...goes without saying. Without respect, you can't even have a proper conversation with someone without it falling apart.

Now...when you cheat on someone, you break all THREE of those as you PROVE you have no respect for the person you're with, you can't be trusted AND you have passion and attraction for someone else. Therefore you can't love that person - therefore...why are you with them?

Is it for the sake of a child? Sorry, but a child is HAPPIER (this is coming from a single parented child) when there is no arguing going on. If two people are together, have no love or respect for one another, they will argue. That child will be brought up in a broken home - which is WORSE for the child than leaving them with two parents who are clearly unhappy.

How would you react if your spouse/significant other came to you tearfully, claiming they truly loved you and made a mistake, and revealed they were pregnant/had impregnated someone else?
- Maybe I'm harsh and cruel here...but I'd see through the bullshit of the tears and that they "truly loved me." My first reaction - explode. Honestly, I would. I'd ask with how many people. How many times. Why. I'd question myself, what could I have done better...but in the end the same reaction. They would be out on their ear - whether the child is mine or not. They would be gone. I cannot trust them in this relationship to not do it again.

Your story in the OP...she cheated HOW many times? I get he loved her, but fuck. Leopards and spots. They NEVER change and once a cheat, always a cheat. I would NEVER EVER cheat on anyone and I would expect the same in a relationship the other way around.

 

[Deexter Jorgan]

First of all DJ, my condolences for the difficult times, hopefully things work out well for you, regardless of the outcome. Keep your kids uppermost in mind, they'll need you there.

All due respect, though, this is a little different than the question posed by LSN. You said she accused you of cheating, you neglected to mention if her accusations were justified. Not to pry into your personal affairs but that's a big part of the question at hand. If she falsely accused you, there's no infidelity for her to forgive, it's just a matter of you forgiving her for the false accusation. If her accusations were accurate, the issue then is can she forgive you, rather than the other way around. If she has such capacity to forgive (if it's true), congratulations to her, I wouldn't have the same forgiving nature. You also said you don't know if child #4 is yours or not, yet you never said that you had suspected her of having an affair. If she had no affair and he child is yours, again no infidelity to forgive. If she did, you would have to decide if you could forgive or not. Again, I know I could not personally.

I would say that in my opinion, children are not a reason to remain in a doomed marriage. I don't think kids benefit from that in the least. If both of you are happy, independently, that will benefit the kids far more than if you are together but miserable and fighting.

And you would rather her move on with someone else rather than "settle for you?". Odd choice of words, pal, maybe you should give yourself a little more credit.

Apologies for not being more clear, well the fact is i never cheated, never have, neveer will, i have not even attempted to see anyone else even now.

The fact is it was unwarrented and i felt that by accusing me i believed she was using it as a way to cheat herself.

Secondly the reason i stated that i didnt know is because she was talking online with multiple ex's i dont know if she did it for attention or just because she wanted to see if she could get a reaction but the fact remains i wasnt there for two months and she is now having that baby in october this year, no matter what happens though i will raise the little one as i have done my other three darlings.

Thirdly i give myself alot of credit, but dont want someone to stay with me out of obligation, i am now comfortable with myself and understand that i dont need anyone to make me happy, as long as i see my children im ok.

I used this situation in particular due to the fact that LSN was talking moreso about trust and the fact infidelity takes that away, no matter who we are or what relationships we have the foundation of all relationships is trust and without that trust we can no longer share that connection with our partners, it will turn the relationship into nothing quickly.

 

[The Dragon Saga]

What factors would you consider if your spouse/significant other revealed an affair in deciding whether to stay or go?

Why they did it. In LSN's initial post, your friends had difficulties due to a lack of sex and one wanting to be loved and seemingly the other; my apologies if I get this wrong, but incapable or unwanting to love. That woman, kind of had reasoning for originally cheating and it should have allowed the male in the relationship to wake up, but instead it happened again. Still, nothing. And then it happened a third time; the third time was with a close friend? Yeah, that's what I find wrong and that's where my full opinion comes in.

I've had a couple girls cheat on me. And the reason I was given was, "I got drunk and it happened." This is bullshit to me, so they got dropped like shit out of a cows ass. But if they had a reason like, "You don't pay attention to me" and proceeded to give me reasons, I'd kind of understand and therefore let it slide as long as it didn't happen again.

Are there scenarios regarding cheating that would be impossible to forgive and for you to stay?

Off the top of my head. If she cheated with one of my close friends, if she cheated with someone which it is publicly known I dislike or if she cheated for a second time after I knew the first time and graciously handed her a second chance, then I would not forgive. I've also had this happen to me in the past, where I've given the odd girl more than a few chances to show they have remorse or that they've learnt. But they don't, so they get the metaphorical axe across the head.

How would you react if your spouse/significant other came to you tearfully, claiming they truly loved you and made a mistake, and revealed they were pregnant/had impregnated someone else?

Probably anger and resentment. Love has strains, and to me, love isn't worth that much mental torture. That would be the definition of mental torture to me. It'd eat away at me and make me question things; I've a habit of over analyzing bad situations and that is exactly what I'd do in this situation and when I have done this, it usually concludes with me snapping.

I'd dump her for one. I'd make sure to give them my reasonings. I'd tell them that if they couldn't find support from the actual father or a close family member that I may be of hand but I wouldn't play a large or influential role.

 

[#hamler]

What factors would you consider if your spouse/significant other revealed an affair in deciding whether to stay or go?

None. She cheats, I'll lose it and it's over. Kids will not matter in this situation.

Are there scenarios regarding cheating that would be impossible to forgive and for you to stay?

Cheating for me, is unforgivable. My girlfriend's ex boyfriend once showed interest in dating her again, I beat the shit out of him and got a week's suspension from school. And she didn't even do anything. I really can't imagine what the fuck I would do if I found out my girlfriend was cheating. I'm not a violent dude, but people close to me know not to fuck or mess with my girlfriend.

How would you react if your spouse/significant other came to you tearfully, claiming they truly loved you and made a mistake, and revealed they were pregnant/had impregnated someone else?

Pregnant? By someone else? While she's dating me? Ha, holy shit. I'd rather not comment on that. I actually got a bit pissed reading this question. Pretty much, there's nothing that will keep me from ending a relationship if I'm cheated on.

 

[Dagger Dias]

There are no factors to look at in deciding whether I would stay or not. Cheating is the one and only reason I would ever consider divorce. Abuse, dishonesty, and all sorts of other things can be forgiven and overcome but infidelity would mean it is over no matter how much I still love her. If the affair led to her having someone else's child that would only make the decision to leave easier. I do not tolerate infidelity of any kind whatsoever. Relationships are a special bond, especially marriage. You make a commitment in front of family, friends, and whichever being of higher power that you believe in religiously, that you will be with that person and ONLY that person for the rest of your life. That is why cheating no matter what is going on will mean it's over. Period. No matter how sorry she is or how much I still love her, the fact of the matter would remain that she still cheated and was with someone else, breaking her marriage vows.

 

[LSN80]

So much good stuff here guys. This is exactly the kind of discussion I was hoping for. Some are very decisive and swift, and some look at external factors. My apologies if I dont respond to each of yours, as some said some very similar things.

I would leave unless I enjoyed their wealth and there was no way of getting my hands on it other than staying married to them. The only scenario where I'd leave a wealthy woman is if they got HIV. I'd rather live long in a relatively uncomfortable financial situation than have a shit ton of money but probably not have the time to spend it in good health or at all.

Understandable, but would it ever get to the point where you would say no more, cash or not? Other then the HIV, of course. This sounds....convenient, I suppose, but where does one get to the place where enough is enough? Would multiple affairs-- essentially an open marriage-- be enough to push you away? Especially if there were children involved?

In the case he cites, the guy is a good person and it must be recognized that this is often the case. But the girl in his example is still responsible for this failed relationship; not only because she cheated on multiple occasions.

Her greatest failure was that she chose the wrong guy for her in the first place....and look at the years of anguish and pain it caused both of them.

I think it was the fault of both that they chose the wrong person in the first place. One of the things I failed to mention in my OP was their religious beliefs: They waited until marriage to have sex. I may not have agreed, essentially, with their mindset, but I surely respected them for it. But along with that mindset came the failure to truly find out if they were "right for each other." Im not saying sex is that way, but he wasn't affectionate whatsoever before they got married. Make no mistake, the fault was hers in chasing other men rather then making their relationship work. But is any of the fault his for "failing" to compromise and give her the things she wanted physically?

Secondly the reason i stated that i didnt know is because she was talking online with multiple ex's i dont know if she did it for attention or just because she wanted to see if she could get a reaction but the fact remains i wasnt there for two months and she is now having that baby in october this year, no matter what happens though i will raise the little one as i have done my other three darlings.

Ill be honest---this doesn't seem like the kind of situation to go back to. Someone who would so easily get rid of you and be talking to multiple exes while calling the police on you several times---darn right trust was broken. Maybe it doesnt matter to you if the child she's carrying is yours or not in how you raise it, but would it matter in your decision to take her back? You were correct when you said I was talking about trust and the breach that infidelity causes in it. Where would your trust ultimately be broken to the point of walking away forever?

This is one of the easier questions that I have seen posed in the Wrestlezone Potluck. There would be one factor and one factor only that I would consider if my spouse revealed an affair, especially along the lines of how I would classify an affair. Did the affair actually happen? If it did, the relationship is over, no exceptions, no excuses. No other factors need to be considered. After the ultimate act of betrayal, it's over. Now it's just a matter of working out the logistics, because there would be no salvaging the relationship in my opinion.

I admire and respect your opinion, and you know this. And I agee, nothing would excuse, justify, or make an affair okay. My curiosity is this: What if you were 10 years into the marriage, and she came to you tearfully, saying shes been holding aa secret for 9 and a half years? Would your response still be the same, or would you be more understanding since it happened so long ago? Or would you be even angrier because she cheated, and kept a secret all these years?

Your story in the OP...she cheated HOW many times? I get he loved her, but fuck. Leopards and spots. They NEVER change and once a cheat, always a cheat. I would NEVER EVER cheat on anyone and I would expect the same in a relationship the other way around.

She, in my eyes, cheated three times. My friend took her back the first two times because she didnt go "all the way" with the men she cheated with. To me, it doesnt need to be sex, a "simple" kiss would suffice as cheating to me. His trust was broken, but because she didnt "consummate the relationship" with either man, she cheated with, he agreed to work on things. It was the actually act of sex, with a friend of his at that, that he said no more to. In your eyes, what defines something as an affair? Is it sex, or can it be something else as well?

Why they did it. In LSN's initial post, your friends had difficulties due to a lack of sex and one wanting to be loved and seemingly the other; my apologies if I get this wrong, but incapable or unwanting to love. That woman, kind of had reasoning for originally cheating and it should have allowed the male in the relationship to wake up, but instead it happened again. Still, nothing. And then it happened a third time; the third time was with a close friend? Yeah, that's what I find wrong and that's where my full opinion comes in.

I understand this, and youre pretty much right about him. But its not that he was incapable of love, he just wasn't very affectionate. He treated her well, with respect, and was loving towards her, he just didnt give her the sex that she wanted. They married pretty young, but she knew the way he was going into marriage, hoping he'ld change. Mistakes happen, people screw up, but this was willful. Instead of communicating her wants/needs to him, she got them elsewhere. Would you be able to take someone back after two times, which indicates a pattern of behavior?

Only fair that I answer my own questions, eh?

What factors would you consider if your spouse/significant other revealed an affair in deciding whether to stay or go?

As much as this was an easy question for Habs and Hamler, that's how hard this decision would be for me. The reason is very simple: In my four years of marriage, my wife has never broken my trust. With anything. So for her to come to me with what i consider to be the ultimate act of betrayal in a relationship, my initial response would be shock. I would simply be unable to believe that she was capable of such a thing. But Im someone who believes in forgiveness above all else, and if she was truly sincere about wanting to make things work after the first time, I would be willing to do so. Ive simply invested too much into her and our relationship for me not to do so. But trust would be freyed, but not broken. It would take time to fix, but Id be willing to do so for a first time offense.

Are there scenarios regarding cheating that would be impossible to forgive and for you to stay?

This is where it gets even tougher for me. It would be agonizing and incredibly difficult to let her go, but I would if it happened more then once. It would show me that she wasn't sincere in making things work together, but rather, on her own terms. "If i slip up twice or thrice, well, thats just part of the marriage." I couldn't live with that ideal whatsoever, and thats what multiple incidents would say to me. I love my wife with everything in me and it would break my heart to let her go, but I couldn't live with myself if i was a pushover.

How would you react if your spouse/significant other came to you tearfully, claiming they truly loved you and made a mistake, and revealed they were pregnant/had impregnated someone else?

Oh vey. God forbid this ever happens. It would be one of those things Id have to live with every day, the memory of her bearing someone else's child. One thing Im not is a hypocrite, so it would depend on when it happened. If it was a first time thing, and by dumb, awful luck she got pregnant, Id forgive her and do everything I could to make things work---provided the other man was out of the picture. It would truly depend on that. If she wanted her "lover" to have a part in the child's life, I couldnt do it. Id ask her to say the baby was mine and let that be that, and raise the child as my own. It would be hard, but if she truly was willing to show me her commitment, Id forgive her and take her back.

 

[hatehabsforever]

I admire and respect your opinion, and you know this. And I agee, nothing would excuse, justify, or make an affair okay. My curiosity is this: What if you were 10 years into the marriage, and she came to you tearfully, saying shes been holding aa secret for 9 and a half years? Would your response still be the same, or would you be more understanding since it happened so long ago? Or would you be even angrier because she cheated, and kept a secret all these years?

First of all, let's define what I mean by an affair. I am referring to something happening of a significant sexual nature. Of course this includes sex itself, but would not be restricted to this alone. Intercourse obviously, but sexual interaction of any form, this would define an affair which for me would be totally inexcusable under any circumstances. Going out for coffee or out to dinner, kissing, flirting, anything like this would piss me off, but would probably be forgivable. But a true affair for me would be unforgivable, and no circumstances would change this.

So back on topic, if I was 10 years into a marriage and found out about an affair that happened 9.5 years ago, I would not be any more forgiving of it, in fact, I would be even angrier because the betrayal would have been compounded by deception. I would definitely not be any more understanding, in fact my reaction would be pretty much the same if not worse. GTFO.

Purely hypothetical situation. Your wife is approximately 3 months pregnant. Approximately 3 months ago, you were paid a visit by your good friend Mr. Enterkey. Ten years later, you find out that one evening while you were at work, an affair happened and she got pregnant and the baby is in fact his (hypothetically of course). She finally comes clean and confesses the affair.
Would you be more forgiving because it happened ten years ago, or would you be even angrier because both your wife and the God of Tits have been lying to you for a decade? I know what my response would be.

As much as this was an easy question for Habs and Hamler, that's how hard this decision would be for me. The reason is very simple: In my four years of marriage, my wife has never broken my trust. With anything. So for her to come to me with what i consider to be the ultimate act of betrayal in a relationship, my initial response would be shock. I would simply be unable to believe that she was capable of such a thing. But Im someone who believes in forgiveness above all else, and if she was truly sincere about wanting to make things work after the first time, I would be willing to do so. Ive simply invested too much into her and our relationship for me not to do so. But trust would be freyed, but not broken. It would take time to fix, but Id be willing to do so for a first time offense.

I'm all for forgiveness above all else and that's admirable for you to say. I respect you for this sentiment, but with all due respect, I think I have to call bullshit. I can appreciate how much you each would have invested in your marriage, but this relationship would not be frayed, it would be broken. She could be perfectly sincere about wanting things to work, but how could you trust her? For me, a first time offense would be all it takes. See ya!

This is where it gets even tougher for me. It would be agonizing and incredibly difficult to let her go, but I would if it happened more then once. It would show me that she wasn't sincere in making things work together, but rather, on her own terms. "If i slip up twice or thrice, well, thats just part of the marriage." I couldn't live with that ideal whatsoever, and thats what multiple incidents would say to me. I love my wife with everything in me and it would break my heart to let her go, but I couldn't live with myself if i was a pushover.

I think if your significant other performs the ultimate act of betrayal and you sweep it under the rug, you would be somewhat of a pushover. Let's face it, you cannot picture your wife doing such a thing because I am sure she never would. But just imagine if she did. How could you forgive her if you knew that she was sweating up the sheets with Enterkey while you were at work?

Oh vey. God forbid this ever happens. It would be one of those things Id have to live with every day, the memory of her bearing someone else's child. One thing Im not is a hypocrite, so it would depend on when it happened. If it was a first time thing, and by dumb, awful luck she got pregnant, Id forgive her and do everything I could to make things work---provided the other man was out of the picture. It would truly depend on that. If she wanted her "lover" to have a part in the child's life, I couldnt do it. Id ask her to say the baby was mine and let that be that, and raise the child as my own. It would be hard, but if she truly was willing to show me her commitment, Id forgive her and take her back.

God that's hard for me to imagine. Admirable, noble, and all that, but hard for me to imagine. How could you ever be certain that the other man is truly out of the picture? How could you live with the fact that you were deceived? How could you look at the child, who bears a striking resemblance to that dashing Enterkey, and truly be able to forgive and forget? More power to you if you could truly do it, because there's no way in hell I could, and I consider myself a pretty forgiving guy as well. I think this would be a noose around your neck, and your wife's, and ultimately, the child would be hurt as well.

All due respect to anyone out there who reads this and is living the situation and disagrees with me, just stating my personal opinion.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Understandable, but would it ever get to the point where you would say no more, cash or not? Other then the HIV, of course. This sounds....convenient, I suppose, but where does one get to the place where enough is enough? Would multiple affairs-- essentially an open marriage-- be enough to push you away? Especially if there were children involved?

I'll elaborate on my position. Firstly, I'd just like to say this: there is more than one way to flourish as a human being. Yes, nothing is as sweet as sharing your life with someone and knowing that they'll be there for you through thick and thin, help you raise a family, and fulfill your sexual and emotional needs, but part of this sweetness derives from how bitter the rest of life is for most of us. Financial constraints, more than anything else, preclude most of us from ever finding our true professional calling and fulfilling our spiritual needs.

With money, your opportunities are limitless. Yes, I'd be a little hurt and maybe a little emotionally insecure if my partner/wife was a serial adulterer, but her wealth (so long as she wasn't a tightwad as well) would allow me to live a life that I could otherwise only dream of. I'd get to travel the world, I'd be able to attend university on an indefinite basis, I'd be able to open small businesses of my choosing and liking, and, most importantly, I'd be able to fulfill my ultimate dream: establishing and funding my vision of a non-profit organization that minimizes the risk companies take with ex-convicts by paying for said ex-convicts' job-specific training and subsidizing their wages for a limited amount of time.

So, to answer your question directly, if my cheating wife wanted to share her body with other men but not share her purse with me, I'd be out of there faster than you could say ****. Otherwise, I'd stay with her regardless of what happened (the exception being HIV/AIDS).

 

[LSN80]

First of all, let's define what I mean by an affair. I am referring to something happening of a significant sexual nature. Of course this includes sex itself, but would not be restricted to this alone. Intercourse obviously, but sexual interaction of any form, this would define an affair which for me would be totally inexcusable under any circumstances. Going out for coffee or out to dinner, kissing, flirting, anything like this would piss me off, but would probably be forgivable. But a true affair for me would be unforgivable, and no circumstances would change this.

So back on topic, if I was 10 years into a marriage and found out about an affair that happened 9.5 years ago, I would not be any more forgiving of it, in fact, I would be even angrier because the betrayal would have been compounded by deception. I would definitely not be any more understanding, in fact my reaction would be pretty much the same if not worse. GTFO.

Fair enough. That's what I was curious about. I didnt know if the "Time heals all wounds" adage applied here, or if it would open up a new one. Your definition of an affair is pretty similar to mine, maybe a little more generous.

Purely hypothetical situation. Your wife is approximately 3 months pregnant.

This is true.

Approximately 3 months ago, you were paid a visit by your good friend Mr. Enterkey. Ten years later, you find out that one evening while you were at work, an affair happened and she got pregnant and the baby is in fact his (hypothetically of course). She finally comes clean and confesses the affair. Would you be more forgiving because it happened ten years ago, or would you be even angrier because both your wife and the God of Tits have been lying to you for a decade? I know what my response would be.

This is a different scenario that completely would change my peripheral vision of the event in question. If my wife AND a friend, such as you, were keeping that big of a secret from me, it would be a different story. It would mean that the man ws truly never out of the picture, as the secret stayed between the two for 10 years. To be honest, I dont know how I would deal with it, because it would be a double betrayal, one that lasted 10 years. The thing i would have a hard time getting over would be the fact that the man was never out of the picture. He and the two were "sharing" something, for a long time. On the other hand, Id appreciate the fact that she wanted me to raise the child with her, rather then with the other man. Id do my damndest to make sure my son/daughter never found out first and foremost, and Id figure out the rest with my wife. If it had been a one time deal, Id try to make it work. dont get me wrong, denial, betryal, and anger would only touch the blimp on my rada of feelings. In an ideal situation, the friend would be out of both of our lives, and we'ld work things out together. Im not saying it would be an easy process.

I'm all for forgiveness above all else and that's admirable for you to say. I respect you for this sentiment, but with all due respect, I think I have to call bullshit. I can appreciate how much you each would have invested in your marriage, but this relationship would not be frayed, it would be broken. She could be perfectly sincere about wanting things to work, but how could you trust her? For me, a first time offense would be all it takes. See ya!

To be honest, how can you truly trust a person 100% in any situation? I know I said Id feel shocked and disbelief because of my wife and the trust i have with her, but perhaps I was overstating. There's no way for me to truly know that the child my wife is carrying right now, other then through a blood test, is truly mine. The trust that I give to her is based on respect and belief. How could I trust her going forward if she betrayed me? I never fully could again. That's where forgiveness comes in. Forgiveness is when you put any form of punishment or resentment behind you. Lord knows the pain and emotional sufferring would be enough with the reveal, I wouldn't feel the need to throw her out just because I was hurt. Trusting her again the way i did before? Quite difficult. But that's where forgiveness would come in.

I think if your significant other performs the ultimate act of betrayal and you sweep it under the rug, you would be somewhat of a pushover. Let's face it, you cannot picture your wife doing such a thing because I am sure she never would. But just imagine if she did. How could you forgive her if you knew that she was sweating up the sheets with Enterkey while you were at work?

Because forgiveness is giving someone something they don't deserve. Its letting going of the anger, resentment, and a desire to punish the other person for their wrongs and looking forward to a semblance of a future. My commitment and the amount of energy Ive already put into the marriage these past 4 years would enable me to forgive her. Would it be easy? Hell no. And if it makes me a pushover, I can live with that. Its been a principle Ive tried to live by with everyone in my life, and Id surely want to extend that to the most significant person in my life. In life, we truly can't trust anyone but ourself. We make the decisions on how much grace, leeway, and forgiveness we give to others. I dont think these are things that should be universally given, but I would do my damndest if she said she was willing, and showed me the effort. A pattern of behavior would be a different story, as it would show me she was only half-in(or not at all) trying to make it work.

How could you ever be certain that the other man is truly out of the picture?

I couldn't. Just as I can't be sure now. Where I would give her the slightest amount of trust back would be the fact that she came to me and acknowledged her wrong. If she never came clean and I caught her, it's a different story. Obviously, there are alot of contingencies in here Im not mentioning, but the honesty would be something I could build on.

How could you live with the fact that you were deceived? How could you look at the child, who bears a striking resemblance to that dashing Enterkey, and truly be able to forgive and forget? More power to you if you could truly do it, because there's no way in hell I could, and I consider myself a pretty forgiving guy as well. I think this would be a noose around your neck, and your wife's, and ultimately, the child would be hurt as well.

Let's face it, we decieve others all the time. Unless we want to live in a relationship where we'll always fighting, you say "no" if she asks you someting is wrong, even if you hate her cooking. When she gets mad about something, you try and mitigate the situation, even if youre not entirely sure what you did wrong. In essence, youre lying and deceiving one another on a daily basis. This is, substantially, a far different form of betrayal. But I wouldnt love the child less because he wasn't truly my seed. I understand where youre coming from, I truly do. To me, this is an idealistic notion I believe in. I couldnt know how Id truly react until I got there. Forgive and forget? No. It would be impossible to forget. Forgiveness would be a different story. But Id hope that through time, better memories would be able to be built with the person I love more then life itself. Regardless of DNA, Id love the child as my own. Again, I dont pretend this would be easy. But not every case has to be a black cloud over one's head for as long as they live. Id consider this: Would I rather still have my wife and my child, believing she was earning my trust back, or would I rather I never truly gave her the chance to prove herself? It's a risk/reward situation, but it would be one Id be willing to take.

 

[Sheamus' Suntan]

She, in my eyes, cheated three times. My friend took her back the first two times because she didnt go "all the way" with the men she cheated with. To me, it doesnt need to be sex, a "simple" kiss would suffice as cheating to me. His trust was broken, but because she didnt "consummate the relationship" with either man, she cheated with, he agreed to work on things. It was the actually act of sex, with a friend of his at that, that he said no more to. In your eyes, what defines something as an affair? Is it sex, or can it be something else as well?

To answer your questions:
There are differences between cheating and an affair. For instance...
Cheating to me can be something as simple as a kiss. Kissing someone takes away the trust of the relationship, but it freys it. If Becca (my partner, and NOT the one thats on the WZ forums) kissed someone else, I would forgive her. I wouldn't forget it, the trust would be tarnished...

Now on a side note, I view myself as someone who has NEVER cheated on anyone. On a drunken night out (and I mean VERY drunken, falling down and puking kind of drunk) I met a girl and we got to talking. We got in a taxi to share the cost of going between homes because we lived locally to each other and she kissed me. Friends attest this with me (as four of us caught the same taxi), I did NOT kiss back. Now did...I cheat? I sat there, staggered, confused, and unsure of what just happened. I'm not the best with females, never had that sort of thing happen before, yet...it happened then. When I told Becca of this, she was annoyed it happened but not at me.

I don't view myself as a cheat in that case, what would you say LSN?

Now...an affair. VERY different.
To me LSN, an affair is the act of seeing someone else, away from your partner, MORE THAN ONCE and kissing/sleeping with that person. IE, an affair is a long term thing and is more than a 'drunken mistake'. This to me - an affair - I cannot condone.

Did your friend have an actual affair or did she cheat a number of times?
Cheating is...less of a problem for me. If Becca slept with someone else, I would still have issues, but if she kissed someone else, my trust would be frayed but I would be ok about it in the end on the grounds that it NEVER happened again.

Having sex and kissing someone are two very different levels.
If she was seeing someone behind my back, and had done so on more that one occasion - it would finish everything.

Hope that answers you properly.

 

[LSN80]

Now on a side note, I view myself as someone who has NEVER cheated on anyone. On a drunken night out (and I mean VERY drunken, falling down and puking kind of drunk) I met a girl and we got to talking. We got in a taxi to share the cost of going between homes because we lived locally to each other and she kissed me. Friends attest this with me (as four of us caught the same taxi), I did NOT kiss back. Now did...I cheat? I sat there, staggered, confused, and unsure of what just happened. I'm not the best with females, never had that sort of thing happen before, yet...it happened then. When I told Becca of this, she was annoyed it happened but not at me.

I don't view myself as a cheat in that case, what would you say LSN?

No, I dont view you as a cheat in that situation. If it was my wife, and the roles were reversed, I would be slightly hurt that she put herself in that situation, but I wouldn't look at her as a cheat. I would just be disapointed in her for making the choice to get so sloppily drunk and put herself in a situation where another man would kiss her. But cheating? No. Obviously, you didnt kiss her back, so your not at fault for that. I do wonder how your partner would feel if this happened again, however. Again, it wouldn't be cheating, but it would be repetition of bad choices that put you in a place to wind up being kissed by someone else. But Im with you, you didnt cheat.

Now...an affair. VERY different.
To me LSN, an affair is the act of seeing someone else, away from your partner, MORE THAN ONCE and kissing/sleeping with that person. IE, an affair is a long term thing and is more than a 'drunken mistake'. This to me - an affair - I cannot condone.

Again, Im with you here in essence. But what if Becca made this "drunken mistake" more then once, and wound up sleeping with three men, one time apiece? How would you respond to that?

Did your friend have an actual affair or did she cheat a number of times?

I can only attest to what Ive been told, from both. Their stories were very similar though, so Im inclined to believe it.

Apparently, she had a co-worker with whom she shared a mutual attraction.
They saw each other every day, and became good friends. They would never cross the line in terms of going physical, but they had plenty of lunches together, and finally put themselves in a situation where they fooled around. So they had devloped an emotional bond, she cheated, or maybe it was more, and she had an affair. What say all of you? Cheating, or affair?

She then fooled around with another man she worked with 6 months later, and finally she slept with a "friend" of his. The first one, to me, is an affair. The last 2 were cheating, and she was drunk when she slept with his friend. But there's a pattern of behavior there obviously. He forgave her for the first two, and Im sure he did for the third as well. But forgiving, and being able to sustain a relationship are two different things, correct?

Obviously Im looking for your response Sam, but any of these questions are open to all.

 

[Sheamus' Suntan]

Again, Im with you here in essence. But what if Becca made this "drunken mistake" more then once, and wound up sleeping with three men, one time apiece? How would you respond to that?

Here comes the addage of "Fool me once, shame on you...". It would also depend on the severity of the first mistake. IE. If she kissed a guy and was drunk, i'd forgive. However when alcohol is involved i believe all you are still in control of your actions, it just allows you to make choices you would not normally make, which is why in my case, I did not kiss back. I was in control. Now...if she cheated full on and slept with someone, it's game over from that step. But if she kissed another guy...the first time i'd forgive. Again? I doubt it.

If she SLEPT with 3 guys, at separate occasions...NO WAY. I Wouldnt give her the chance to get that far, once is enough for me to know the trust is gone.

What say all of you? Cheating, or affair?

So getting this straight. They became good friends then things happened. Still cheating if it's just the once. An affair to me is a physical relationship with someone else where physical contact (ie, sexual intercourse) occurs on multiple occasions. Also "falling" for someone else is considered an affair, so if you fall into a state of no turning back, IE, in love with someone else while you are with someone else, you are having an affair.

But...her "dating" this guy. I mean, going on multiple lunches...THAT rings of sustaining a relationship outside of her own - therefore, she is having an affair.

I'm pretty sure I count what this is as cheating.

But forgiving, and being able to sustain a relationship are two different things, correct?

Oh absolutely. For instance with time you may be able to forgive someone but I would have issue with taking that person that I've forgiven back into a relationship and after someone cheated...and the trust is fully lost, how DO you take someone back and sustain a relationship? I don't think I could.

Someone cheating would absolutely kill my trust. If Becca cheated on me (slept with, not just kissed, another guy), I would not be able to forgive. Not once. So how your friend managed it three times is beyond me. Perhaps he is blind to the fact that if she has done it not just once, but three times, it is clearly a pattern of behaviour and it WILL happen again. I would not be able to trust any girl if it happened to me once.


In reply to your friend's situation.
I agree. The first was an affair in the sense that she was having a relationship with the first guy. The other 2, cheating. Your friend SHOULD have got shot a long time ago, and not being funny, I know he is the one being cheated on, but if he is stupid enough to keep her close despite the amount of times he has cheated on her, then shame on him really.

I understand love. i am in love. But I do not understand how when a man is broken down like this, he can keep on and on, allowing someone to do this to him at her own will. He needs to let loose and go and actually enjoy his life - because there's no doubt, he can't be enjoying waiting for the next incident.

 

[JW'sGirl]

What factors would you consider if your spouse/significant other revealed an affair in deciding whether to stay or go?

There is no situation ever that would keep me with him if he cheated. I would never be able to trust him again and trust the by far the most important thing in a relationship. I know, with out a doubt, that I can trust my fiance and that he would never cheat on me. If I doubted that, I wouldn't marry him. I would never allow myself to be in a relationship where that is an issue, because you can tell early on if it's eventually going to happen. In the situation LSN described, the girl knew full well going into the marriage that there was something about her fiance she needed to change. NEVER TRY TO CHANGE HIM, LADIES! It won't work. Women try to do that far too often and the relationship never last. Honestly, I believe that cheating would never happen if women weren't so damn afraid of ending up alone and settling for a guy they no isn't right for them. I might be too hard on my own sex, but I honestly blame women in most situations for the cheating, no matter who's fault it appears to be on the outside.

Are there scenarios regarding cheating that would be impossible to forgive and for you to stay?

There is no situation in which I would ever stay; however, I would definitely forgive if we had children. He would need to be in my life if that was the case and therefore we would need to be pleasant with one another. If there were no kids in the situation, however, I probably wouldn't forgive him or let him anywhere near me.

How would you react if your spouse/significant other came to you tearfully, claiming they truly loved you and made a mistake, and revealed they were pregnant/had impregnated someone else?

I would drain his bank account and divorce him immediately.

 

[Poop Master Flex]

What factors would you consider if your spouse/significant other revealed an affair in deciding whether to stay or go?

No matter what the reason I would have to cut my ties and move on if I was told my girlfriend/wife had an affair with someone. I understand that she may have had reasons to do it (like I'm not paying attention to her) but I've always believed if there is a problem you got to speak up and say something, not hold it in and do something stupid. Even if things are bad when you're in a relationship you are obligated to stay faithful (unless its already discussed to be an open relationship) no matter what the reasons. If the other party is not happy they have 2 choices.

1) Break up and move on.
2) Speak up and try to work it out. If it can't work out see choice 1.

There is no reason good enough to cheat.

Are there scenarios regarding cheating that would be impossible to forgive and for you to stay?

See above, cheating is BS.

How would you react if your spouse/significant other came to you tearfully, claiming they truly loved you and made a mistake, and revealed they were pregnant/had impregnated someone else?

I would feel really bad for them on one hand because people make mistakes but if my gf told me she was pregnant with another mans kid there is NO WAY I could stay with her, no matter how much I loved her. If she did that then she would have to suffer the consequences, to have the kid alone, with the person who got her impregnated, or to have an abortion, but it would all have to be done without me. You can't expect any person to forgive that.