The Systems Created To Prevent "Deadbeat Dads" Are Causing Them

[NSL]

I found out today that I have to pay $417 in child support to my ex, who doesn't have a job, and has 2 other kids, from 2 different fathers. She has barely 4 months of work experience in her life. She abuses the system, and gets away with it scot-free. Children and Youth were called to her house because she had no electricity, no water, no stove, no food, and my son found her stash of racy pictures of herself and her current boyfriend. Children and Youth came to the house, made her stay with family, and gave myself and the father of the middle child custody of our kids while she got her act together. They then set her up with programs designed to help poor families, and even reimbursed her to have a cleaning company come to the house and clean everything, so she could move back in, and get the children. I had filed for custody numerous times before this, using the fact that she is a horrible mother, and they flat out ignored me each time. The only reason Children and Youth came to her house the last time they were called, was because it was her own grandmother, her cousin, and her neighbor that all had called in the same day.

I don't understand why they would hand-feed her what she needs to get her life in order, when she's a grown woman who whould have to do it on her own, just like every other person in the world. If she really wanted a clean house, she'd clean it. If she wanted her power and water on, she'd get a job and pay the bills. If she wanted to be a good mother, she'd take charge of her life, and set a good example. My son has missed over 30 days of school since she was given full custody. I believe there's only 4 that have an excuse. They're already threatening to hold him back (in Kindergarten), because of all the missed days.

After the house was all put back together, and they were all allowed to move back in, I attempted to file for full custody again. I was told that I would have to wait until after the school year, so not to disrupt Zachary's education. They didn't want to hear that he was barely going anyway. They also didn't want to hear that CYS was called. They said that is not grounds for amending a custody agreement. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? It's all just further proof that the court system and Children and Youth are fully against the father's rights, and don't care about what is morally right.

After 60 days of them being back in the house, CYS had to come out to do an inspection of the house, to make sure she was keeping up with everything, and to make sure the kids were all healthy and taken care of. This is usually a "surprise" visit, so that you don't have an opportunity to clean up and go over everything. Nope, not this time. They called her, and asked if that afternoon would be a good time to stop by. She lied, and said that she had a job interview. They then scheduled an appointment to come by two weeks later to look at the house. Of course, by then, everything had been taken care of, and the house was in tip-top shape. Her grandmother, the same person that called the first time, even bought her a car, so that lack of transportation couldn't be used against her. They came to check the house, and closed her case.

I'm (obviously) still not over the fact that they let her know when they're coming, and didn't expect the house to be fine for their arrival.

as part of everything with CYS, she had to go to the welfare office, and file for cash assistance and food stamps. She had gone through there for medical insurance, but always refused the cash and food, because, in her own words, "I'm too proud for that." What?! Too proud? You have no job, can't clean your house, or keep your legs closed, and you're too proud for a fucking hand out? I have a job, and take care of my business, and I'd still take cash if the state was willing to write me a check.

After filing for cash, and the state realizing that they could save money by making her go after the three baby's daddies for support, they scheduled her an appointment at Domestic Relations. If none of you have been there before, feel lucky. It's nothing but a bunch of ice-cold hearts and snobby ass-kissing bitches. They take her back for her 3 conferences. Yes, three. She needed to have one for each appointment. Then they take back her current boyfriend, and father of her last baby, and take his information, and then the father of the second, and then me.

Here's some quick backstory on the other two fathers. Mark, the father of the new baby, Lucas, is a little slow in the head. His parent were ignorant, and never had him diagnosed, but there is something wrong with him. Bad enough, that the state put him on permanent disability through SSI, so he doesn't have to work, and he dropped out of school after 6th grade. He's 19, maybe 20, and has another baby. He was 17, and the girl was 12, and he knocked her up, left her, and wants nothing to do with her or the baby. He's currently on probation for stealing copper wiring out of an abandoned house in their area. When he had a meeting to update his records with the state, he said he could work, and didn't know why he was receiving the money. So, they cut him off, and he's still without a job. Ryan, the father of the middle child, Sidney, isn't a bad guy. He's a good guy, but has a bad attitude, that cost him his last job. He's currently receiving unemployment, but is having trouble finding a new job because he has to go through Anger Management.

When I go to give my information, they take my income report, my W-2, and all my other info, and then ask me to wait in the waiting room. They never asked me for the expense report, which had a big note on top that said it must be filled in, and handed in at the conference. I asked to give it to them, and they said they don't use it anymore. This is a crucial factor to the outcome.

After Mark and Christina's conference, and after Ryan and Christina's conference, it's my turn. They take my income report, and punch whatever they punch into the computer, and the lady turns to me and asks how I feel about paying Christina $417 in chuild support. I said "Yeah, sure. Let me move out of my house and walk to work." They suggested I find a second job. I suggested that they help her find a first job, since the system is already giving her everything she needs anyway. They told me to calm my tone, and I laughed, which is apparently a no-no. I asked how I'm supposed to pay $795 a month rent, keep my power and water on, and still afford $380 a month to give to her. They said that a second job is the route to go.

So, basically, she's just about never worked a day in her life, has no initiative to fix her life, and has proven time and again to be a horrible mother, and yet the state has given her everything she needs to live a normal happy life. She doesn't pay rent, because she lives on her grandmother's land. She gets free electricity from the county. They paid to have new pipes installed in her house, so that they won't freeze and burst. They bought her a new stove, new fridge, and even loaded the house with groceries.

Now let me explain where the thread title comes from. CYS and the court system are in place to make sure that the mother has custody of the child under almost any circumstance, and make sure that the mother has every possible avenue covered to abuse the system. Domestic Relations does nothing but make sure the mother has what she needs to take care of the child, without actually making sure she does nothing on her own. I know of many fathers that quit their productive job, to work at gas stations, just so they don't have to pay absurd amounts of money to the mothers. I know of dads that have quit working altogether, so they can avoid paying crazy amounts in child support.

I plan on continuing my fight to get full custody of my son, because it is what's best for him. He deserves a good home, with a loving family. Not a home that's barely held together, and a family that treats him like a piggy bank. I plan on paying whatever they ask of me in support, because I know that if I don't, it will only make things worse for him, because she has no other way to care for him.

What I mean by deadbeat dads, is dads that don't pay child support, or don't see their children, and it's because the system breaks them down in to giving up. They stop working so they don't have the money to pay support. They don't see their children because they cna't afford to, or are working multiple jobs just to have a roof over their heads. No matter how it works, the system fucks with everything that makes you a dad.

I'm now stuck getting a second job, so I can struggle to make ends come close to meeting. I currently only see my son on the weekends, and now I'll be working while I should be playing with him, and being a dad. Just because I want to be there, and am trying to be there, isn't enough. I need to make my life worse than it is, so his mom can have a better life that she doesn't deserve.

Being a dad isn't about what you can provide, it's about being there for them, and nurturing them through life. If I find a second job and still can't afford to pay support, the state will take him from me, and I won't be there, and I won't be providing him with anything. Not even the money for her to take care of him.

I could even get in to how I know she won't spend the money on him, but that's for another thread, and for after I've digested everything going on right now.

 

[HBK-aholic]

Never, ever should someone assume that a child is best with her mother, I would love to know where that stupid piece of information got into peoples heads. My 'daughters' 'mother' is an ass, definately incapable of looking after a little girl. Yet she knows how to put it on for doctors and social workers in order to look respectable, and obviously because she's a mother she's automatically more favourable. People need to look at everything from a full cricle, and not through the mothers eyes of "I can do this because I gave birth". Since when did giving birth = being a good mother?

 

[NSL]

People need to look at everything from a full cricle, and not through the mothers eyes of "I can do this because I gave birth". Since when did giving birth = being a good mother?

I completely agree. And, most of the time, that's not even an invalid argument. My ex nearly passed out during her first childbirth, then was on enough painkillers that they probably could've reached in and pulled out the second one, and bitched and complained about the pain enough on the last one, that they did a C-Section to shut her up. So, she couldn't handle childbirth, and could never use that argument.

I don't know why it would be a valid argument anyway. My reply has always been "Well, that was then, this is now." Taking care of a child is much more of a task than pushing it out of your birth canal. It takes traits that most people don't realize they possess, and takes an unimaginable level of responsibility.

 

[The Dewbliners]

We have the same problem in Ohio, too. It kinda sickens me, because my stepmother would beat the hell out me, for two and a half years. The thing is, everytime her ex would file for custody of their 6 kids, he'd use this as grounds. Every single fuckin' time, the county would send out a guy from CPS, and almost everytime it would be the same guy, who went to high school with my dad. They'd catch up, shoot the shit, whatnot. He'd always say he'd give the report to the courts, and due justice would "run it's course".

Here's where it mirrors your sitch, The bitch never worked a day in her life, and my dad was working 2 jobs to support us nine kids. She may not have gotten financial assistance, but her ex had to work 2 or 3 jobs to support himself, and pay her 400 dollars per kid a month. Then she tried revoking his weekends with his kids, cause he had to work. Worst part, though, was she spent the child support on herself and not her kids. The family courts in this country are a sham, and your case proves it.

 

[Y 2 Jake]

Break your back to give money towards your child, or get free money? Hmm, it's a tough one. But yeah, it's what you give your child in love and attention what's important.

Kids don't need as much as people think. They're new, so they adapt better than anybody else. $417 is a lot when you consider that they'd be perfectly happy eating their favorite food each and every night, and kids don't give a fuck about fashion.

Edit: I got custody easily. Mostly because I was truthful and she wasn't. She was also stupid.

 

[TheOneBigWill]

First and foremost, you have to understand it's a system that is made to have flaws. It's a system formatted mainly to go against those who typically and more often than not are properly held responsible for being deadbeats and walk-outs. (ie. Males)

Obviously not every Male is a deadbeat, walk-out, or irresponsible adult. Yourself, Myself & Jake are three very clear cut cases of this. As we each want only the best for our child, and are willing to do whatever is needed to accomplish that, regardless of what we must do.

Never, ever should someone assume that a child is best with her mother, I would love to know where that stupid piece of information got into peoples heads.

There is a rather famous quote, something along the lines of "'Mother' is 'God' through the eyes of a Child." That single sentence, about sums up everything you just asked. Because for better or worse, that's how Female's (aka Mother's) are viewed. They carry the child for 9 months. (give or take) And unlike the Male's, upon carrying the child they become at least in some form adapted and bonded with it.

Even the most sleazy, disgusting, disrespecting, and pathetic Female Mothers.. still form those bonds throughout their pregnancy. It's not something that can be ignored, because they're simply put.. "stuck with it". Now that's clearly not to say they can't just walk away after the child is born and throw it all away. Some do. But the Government and Groups designed to help matters like this, look at it like that.

What's worse, is for every decent Male and loving, caring Father in this world.. you get at least, I'd say on average, 5-10 dumbass irresponsible Males out there, who knock someone up, then refuse to take responsibility and take off from all connection in general. Forcing even more hardship upon the Female and child. Thus is another reason why its highly regarded to have a Family, when you're in a "strong Marriage". As to know, it's not something that will end soon.

Obviously just because that's encouraged, doesn't mean it's followed. Duh.

Matt, in the end, this is a situation I feel greatly for you in. This is the Government, the State and roughly put, the people who hold your nuts in a vise.. your ex can be the laziest, most worthless piece of trash around, but if she puts up even so much as a tiny bit of care for wanting to keep her child(ren), then they'll always take her side.. because through their eyes.. more overall Females (Mothers) would have better connection and take better care of their child, than more overall Males. (Fathers)

It's not fair, it's not even true in most cases. But without question, it's unfortunately how it goes. I'd encourage you to seek outside help. (ie. Go above the State, if all thats involved is the State) If you have a strong enough case, you'll get a reply and the help you're looking for. I wish you the best of luck, in this situation.

 

[Ty Burna]

Unfortunately the system is set up to make sure no matter what the males are bent over by the state and the mother of the child for most states. Now upon saying this, ironically enough, North Dakota is actually seeing more fathers being granted full custody over the mothers. A friend of mine just got full custody of his kid, but it was because the mother was in very similar living conditions as you described NSL. But even then it was a struggle for him to get full custody, I believe it took almost a full year for that to resolve.

It is a sad case that these women just take advantage basically of everyone around them and any group willing to help. They play the system to the T and make sure that they get their money from you so they can spend it on themselves. A former female friend of mine does this exact thing, the father of her two daughters live 5 hours away working hard at 2 jobs and sends her a solid amount of child support. She in turn, has no job or no work ethic, and takes that child support money and rarely spends a dime of it on her kids. She lives with her parents, and she won't get a job because she thinks she needs a car first in order to get a job. Oh and to top that all off, she bitches and complains about the father of her children (who I might add is one my closest friends) how he never comes back to see his daughters. How is he supposed to come back when he has to work to support her lazy ass? And not only this but when he does come back she starts ripping into him about needing more money and other bullshit.

The whole system is really unfair to the father. From what I've seen the courts will wait until it is beyond obvious that the mother is unfit and the child would be in a better situation with the father. I think what hurts us men in this regard is an older style of thinking that may be more prevalent then we think. The male is looked upon as the provider, the person that brings home the bread and bacon if you will. The female is looked upon as the nurturer, taking care of the children, and raising them properly. Because of that old thinking that the woman is the nurturer, all these people think that every mother is nurturing their child when in reality, some are not. It really sickens me watching these women leech off of everyone else, but most importantly, using their child to leech off everyone.

NSL I feel for ya man, I don't have any personal experience with what you're going through, but I know where you're at because I have a few friends that have gone through that same situation. Just keep fighting because eventually you'll find someone that will help you and you will win in the end.

 

[Pimpin]

The system is mostly sexist. I had this problem a while back with a situation involving my son which the damn system wouldn't give him to me & I knew for a fact that my son's mom wasn't taking care of him properly. Well after the 7th time of filing for custody papers for him, I finally got custody of him cause they said she wasn't capable of taking care of him. Well she did get her act together but I still got main custody of him cause I earn a lot more than she does. My advice to you is to keep fighting for the custody of your kid no matter how many times it takes for them to finally listen.

 

[NSL]

Your ex can be the laziest, most worthless piece of trash around, but if she puts up even so much as a tiny bit of care for wanting to keep her child(ren), then they'll always take her side..

She doesn't though. After CYS was called against her, her aunt called, and tried to talk some sense in to her, and warned her that if she didn't change things, she was going to lose her kids. Her response was, "If that's what happens, oh well. Shit happens."

She doesn't care about them for any other reason then to collect money from them. Without them, she doesn't get cash assistance, medical insurance, child support, or any love and support from her family. They all hate her, but put up with her to make sure the kids are taken care of when they're not with their fathers.

I'm actually kind of surprised so many people took the time to read that long ass post, but thank you.

 

[NSL]

I could start a whole new Bar Room thread, complaining about how much life sucks, and warning people to never have kids unless you are 100% that you will be with that person for at least 5 years, but I'd rather bump this thread, and explain my current situation.

Since the developments surrounding my ex and Domestic Relations, I've been narrowly making it month to month, and lately it has been paycheck to paycheck. As of today, August 1st, I am $1500 in debt. This is because DR has taken nearly half of my paycheck, leaving me with "crumbs" in the end. Owning a car, means maintaining a car. I had to get my inspection, new tires, and an oil change this month, as well as the usual bills, food, and care for my son, who begins 1st grade in less than one month.

My rent is due today, and honestly, I just don't have it. I have to put off rent, to make sure my son has clothes and food, and to make sure that there's water and power in the house. How does this all concern this thread?

It all leads back to the systems beating down the fathers, until there's no choice but to live on a shoestring, and at the most meager of terms. I can take the easy way out, and move back in with my mom, at 25, as a single dad, and pay the lowest amount possible in child support, while still working full time, and driving a P.O.S., or I can keep fighting for what I know is right, and live in a constant state of stress and depression through it all. I refuse to be beaten down to living with my mother, while taking care of my son, when I am perfectly able to take care of him and myself on my own.

I've filed a petition to end the child support, as well as re-applying for a modification to the terms of custody. I've been told by both agencies that my efforts are fruitless, and they've told me flat out the best option is to move back in with my mom, get a low income job, and drop custody to seeing him every other weekend.

I'm going to do everything I can to fight the system, as well as his mother, while trying to avoid becoming the deadbeat they want me to be.

 

[Tenta]

Unfortunately, this is exactly what occurs when we enforce our gender stereotypes as much as we do, and we fail to take matters within a case by case process. I should know, I'm very guilty of such a thing myself. I said in an earlier post that "mothers are more prone to being naturally capable to raise children", and now I am fully within reason to say that I was completely one hundred percent wrong. Unfortunately, this feeling is expressed, because of the social norms that we have instituted within our culture. The belief is that mothers give birth, therefore they are biologically prepared to raise children, and to place said social norms upon the child. Never have I realized just how much of a logical fallacy I had committed. I feel that the way to handle such a measure is to overthrow the norms we have in place; a woman can go to work, and a father can raise his children just as effectively, if not more so, than their female counterpart. We have become so accustomed to societies view on the working family, and have given so much emphasis to the belief that it has to be just like the 50s. Utter excrement. When dealing with the matter of divorce, it's important to take things by a case by case matter, and to exclude any of your pre-conceived notions, in which have been bashed into your skull by society and even within the constructs of your family. Overthrow the social constructs of what we view in society, and therein lies the key to divorces that are simpler, not only for the parents, but for the children.

NSL, I sympathize for you wholeheartedly in your case, and apologize for the matter. And hey, for it's worth... I'm always around

 

[NSL]

Thanks for posting Tenta

As far as everything you said, I agree, obviously. Even as a kid, I "knew" that I was better off with my mom when her and my dad split. I was told that it'd be better for me, and I'd be raised right.

But, as I grew, I knew something was wrong. My mom would yell and lecture, while my dad would talk to me while playing video games. We'd discuss school, homework, health, and friends, all while playing NHL '98, instead of sitting at a table, feeling like I'm jailed at Gitmo. It helped me to learn more, and understand things faster, and it got me close to my father.

Once I had a son of my own, I knew that's how I wanted to be, and knew right from wrong with how to parent, or as best as you can know, since no one person can parent perfectly. I'm not saying women can't parent. That's clearly wrong, and there's no proof as to who's better, or who's worse, or what technique works the best. It all depends on the child.

For my son, everything I'm doing, is obviously better than what my ex is doing. I may be putting aside rent for food, but at least I have a job, a car, and a means to buy food. I get calls daily from her, asking me to discpline him, and to calm him down because he wants to "go home with Daddy", and wants to sleep in his own bed. He loathes his siblings that he has with her, and does everything to avoid them. If someone unbiased met him, they';d consider him a sociopath at her house. I know this, because it's been said by many professionals. At my house, he's your average 6 yr old, playing with his wrestling figures, smashing his cars, and stealing candy out of Daddy's bin when I'm not looking.

Yet, the system feels he should be with her, because she has the vagina, and she was connected to him for 9 months. I agree that connection is vital, but she's detached herself from him ever since, while we've grown closer and closer. Why don't I deserve my chance?

 

[SavageTaker]

Dude, that really does sound fucked up. I can’t believe how fucked up the system sounds like it is over where you live it for cases such as yours. You would think that they wouldn’t be as narrow-minded as they’ve probably shown they are. Honestly NSL, it appears that you alone are not going to get anywhere and that you’re just wasting time if you just continue doing the same thing. If I was you I would move in with my mother and save up as much of the extra money I have as possible and get me some good lawyers. It really sounds like it’s a serious case from what I’ve read and it sounds like something you need to take to the next step. If I was in your position I would probably get the best lawyers I could afford and see if they can help me out. I don’t know if that’s the right way to go about things but you should certainly look into it because you’re receiving unfair treatment and it it’s something that shouldn’t be happening in your state anymore or anywhere in America for that matter. NSL, I wish you well and I hope for you that this is all resolved without it getting out of hand or you having to go to the extreme (no pun intended) levels to get what is right done.

 

[Tenta]

Simply enough, NSL, you're a victim of stereotypes in which we have all fallen for at some point. It seems like such simple logic, but then you realize that nature only takes a person so far, before actual nurturing needs to kick in. Sure, by nature, we're attracted to women as the motherly concept. However, when nurture comes into play, then, and only then, can we examine the pysche of the people that children are placed into custody to. That isn't to say nature doesn't have a place in the world of parenting, but in such a thing as parenting, one has to examine, the personality of the parents, before even thinking of handing the kid over to the person. Sure, we can say that little placenta brought people so close, but how close did it bring a mother and child, really? I'd argue that in almost any case, the experiences a child has with said parent far outweigh the natural belief of "women are more experienced, therefore they are better mothers". Or some junk...

 

[NSL]

It's not as easy as just moving back in ST. I get along fine with my mother, and we talk daily. She babysits Zachary whenever she can.

The problem is, that if I move back in, they can use it against me when I file for custody. Because I don't have my own place, they can say I'm not making a concerted effort to support him. Also, because I wouldn't be paying rent, they'd just take more and more out of my paycheck to pay for child support.

I've explored all these avenues, and every turn I make, ends up at a dead end, with the state having a way to screw me over. They told me during the school year, that he's best with his mom, so he doesn't have to transfer schools, and because she lived closer to the school, he would be less likely to miss any time. He ended up missing 37.5 days of school, and was late 21 times. He would have been held back, if he wasn't the smartest kid in his class. I tried to modify the agreement after I found his report card, and they said that school attendance has no bearing on custody.

It's a crock of shit, and the commonwealth is sexist. I told the judge that at the last hearing, which probably didn't help me at all, but it needed to be said. If this doesn't start turning around soon, my next step is to notify the commonwealth that I'm contacting the newspapers. They'll get moving then.

 

[SavageTaker]

You know NSL, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea at all. I guess there’s a chance that it might fail but it never hurts trying, right? If you can contact newspapers and the local news on TV, then it might actually help you. They need to be exposed for all of the shit they’re doing that is completely and utterly unjustifiable. Like I said in my previous post, you’re receiving unfair treatment and it needs to be shown that the system needs to change because it’s completely fucked up. If you go to newspapers and the local news with your case and they decide to publish it/ broadcast it then you might actually get a lot of support or at least some support that in turn help your case out. The worse thing that can happen is that it doesn't work and you have to see what else you can do. If it doesn’t end up working then it didn’t hurt to try at all, right?

 

[ztwhite]

I feel your pain NSL !!!

For the past three years, I've been paying more than $1300 a month in child support for two my two boys.

But here's another example of a flawed system - when my ex filed for divorce, I lived in Kentucky and she lived in Ohio. She claimed she didn't know where I was and filed for divorce by what's legally called "public record". Simply put, she filed the paperwork and the court system postd it in the local newspaper in her city. Long story short - eight months later, I get pulled over or a burnt out brake light and find out my license is suspeded for failure to pay child support !! But she had ben getting plenty of money sent to her and didn't tell anyone.

Anyway... I had to hire council and reopen the already closed divorce case back in Ohio where she filed. Despite having check stubs showing she was being paid, the judge sided with her and held me liable for the eight months of back support and since she attended the original hearings and asked for everything and I wasn't there to fight, the judge had awarded her everything. So I'm still trying to make up the nearly $2000 she was originally awarded each month, plus the normal amount of support she is supposed to receive each month until the kids are 18. Trying to make up $16,000 worth of back child support is impossible !!!

I don't have an issue taking care of my kids... I love them and they deserve the best !!! But she makes $54,000 a year as a dental hygenist at the US Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland !!! What he hell does she need another $15,500 a year from me for ??? She makes more money than I do and like yourself, I have trouble paying my bills. Especially since I have school loans to take care of and her parents paid hers off !!!

Recently, I hired a new attorney to reopen the case and try to have my payments lowered, but it's a damn long and EXPENSIVE process.

One last comment - I'm not sure how it works where you are, but since my support order originated in Ohio, anytime you miss a support payment (which I did once while in between jobs), the CSEA will suspend your license without telling you and it's a real pain to get unsuspended.

 

[Razor]

I found out today that I have to pay $417 in child support to my ex, who doesn't have a job, and has 2 other kids, from 2 different fathers.

1) The 2 different fathers thing shouldn't matter, really. You're not paying child support for their children, you're paying for your own child.

2) My dad had to pay $1400 in child support for 3 children. But he's the Head Programmer of Union Pacific, he should have had to pay a lot more. My mom said no to the increase.

She has barely 4 months of work experience in her life. She abuses the system, and gets away with it scot-free.

That sucks when that happens. But it's not all that common, as you seem to imply by the title.

Children and Youth

Huh. They used to call it DHS when I was a little dude. All of 15 years ago.

were called to her house because she had no electricity, no water, no stove, no food, and my son found her stash of racy pictures of herself and her current boyfriend.

They didn't take the child away?

Children and Youth came to the house, made her stay with family, and gave myself and the father of the middle child custody of our kids while she got her act together.

I have a feeling you liked this part.

They then set her up with programs designed to help poor families, and even reimbursed her to have a cleaning company come to the house and clean everything, so she could move back in, and get the children.

I have a feeling you aren't complaining about this.

I had filed for custody numerous times before this, using the fact that she is a horrible mother, and they flat out ignored me each time.

Well, you'll have to be more specific. "She's a horrible mother" doesn't really fly. That no electricity or food thing from before would get them out there though.

The only reason Children and Youth came to her house the last time they were called, was because it was her own grandmother, her cousin, and her neighbor that all had called in the same day.

DHS showed up at my mom's house because one neighbor called about my mom's abusive boyfriend. Either Children and Youth suck ass, are over-worked, or people haven't been calling on her.

I don't understand why they would hand-feed her what she needs to get her life in order, when she's a grown woman who whould have to do it on her own, just like every other person in the world.

Actually...Unemployment, Welfare, WIC, the like are there to help people get on their feet. So not every other person in the world.

If she really wanted a clean house, she'd clean it. If she wanted her power and water on, she'd get a job and pay the bills. If she wanted to be a good mother, she'd take charge of her life, and set a good example.

NSL, point.

My son has missed over 30 days of school since she was given full custody. I believe there's only 4 that have an excuse. They're already threatening to hold him back (in Kindergarten), because of all the missed days.

Now see, that's grounds for her losing custody. At least, it used to be. Combine that with the whole "you can't feed your children" thing that seems to be going on, and DHS should have taken the children away.

After the house was all put back together, and they were all allowed to move back in, I attempted to file for full custody again.

Your prerogative, as the father.

I was told that I would have to wait until after the school year, so not to disrupt Zachary's education. They didn't want to hear that he was barely going anyway.

Family Court regularly works around the child. As is to be expected.

They also didn't want to hear that CYS was called. They said that is not grounds for amending a custody agreement. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

That's confusing. DHS being called and taking her children away is stonecold proof that she failed at raising her children. Did you have a lawyer? I'm sure he could have argued that.

It's all just further proof that the court system and Children and Youth are fully against the father's rights, and don't care about what is morally right.

It sounds more like that one judge was being a jackoff. You shouldn't take one case of perceived injustice and extrapolate it out to the overall system. Did you appeal the decision?

After 60 days of them being back in the house, CYS had to come out to do an inspection of the house, to make sure she was keeping up with everything, and to make sure the kids were all healthy and taken care of.

That is what they do.

This is usually a "surprise" visit, so that you don't have an opportunity to clean up and go over everything.

Not always. There's usually a scheduled visit, then a surprise visit to see if the scheduled visit was legit. Did DHS not follow-up?

Nope, not this time. They called her, and asked if that afternoon would be a good time to stop by. She lied, and said that she had a job interview.

You know she lied? Fucking tell them. She lied to a government agency. That's rather frowned upon when you've already had your children taken away because of gross neglect.

They then scheduled an appointment to come by two weeks later to look at the house.

They're busy. Social workers are horribly overworked.

Of course, by then, everything had been taken care of, and the house was in tip-top shape.

That's why there are usually surprise visits planned after the scheduled visits. Dunno why they wouldn't do one in this case.

Her grandmother, the same person that called the first time, even bought her a car, so that lack of transportation couldn't be used against her. They came to check the house, and closed her case.

You seem to know of all these instances in which she either lied or fooled the case workers. Fucking tell them. Lying to a government agency is rather not legal.

I'm (obviously) still not over the fact that they let her know when they're coming, and didn't expect the house to be fine for their arrival.

Well. You are rather biased. But I get where you're coming from.

as part of everything with CYS, she had to go to the welfare office, and file for cash assistance and food stamps.

That makes sense.

She had gone through there for medical insurance, but always refused the cash and food, because, in her own words, "I'm too proud for that." What?! Too proud?

Lots of homeless are too proud to go to homeless shelters or whatevs. Though, in this case, her ego was getting in the way of fucking feeding her kids.

You have no job, can't clean your house,

Point 2, NSL.

or keep your legs closed,

Low blow dude. Low blow.

and you're too proud for a fucking hand out?

My mom refused to take welfare when we were at the point of "Well, which one do we want this week? Electricity or water?" She only went on Welfare once, when she lost her job at a glass factory. She was on it for a year, until she found a job, then she jumped off. She did take WIC when she had my little brother, though. but that's to be expected.

After filing for cash, and the state realizing that they could save money by making her go after the three baby's daddies for support,

I seriously doubt that. You're one pissed off dude, aren't you? Getting a little paranoid, there. They're just doing as they always do, and making sure the person who got custody has enough money to support her children. Obviously she didn't, so she filed for Child Support. It's your job as a father to pay that.

If none of you have been there before, feel lucky. It's nothing but a bunch of ice-cold hearts and snobby ass-kissing bitches.

And, you know, the parents who need Child Support from their spouses. Like my mom did from my dad. But then again. You'd just file her under "Snobby ass-kissing bitch," huh?

They take my income report, and punch whatever they punch into the computer, and the lady turns to me and asks how I feel about paying Christina $417 in chuild support.

That's rather high, sure. But that money is going towards your child. It's not all that bad.

I suggested that they help her find a first job, since the system is already giving her everything she needs anyway. They told me to calm my tone, and I laughed, which is apparently a no-no.

Yeah, getting uppity at a department where they regularly tell dads how much they have to pay in Child Support isn't a good idea. They're rather touchy there.

I asked how I'm supposed to pay $795 a month rent, keep my power and water on, and still afford $380 a month to give to her. They said that a second job is the route to go.

They have a point from their end. Though I can see the frustration from the "I can't afford this shit" route. I don't understand why they didn't accept your expense report.

So, basically, she's just about never worked a day in her life, has no initiative to fix her life, and has proven time and again to be a horrible mother, and yet the state has given her everything she needs to live a normal happy life.

I really think you're over-exaggerating. If you weren't, then you could call them with all these accusations, and they would investigate. It's their obligation as the department that looks after the welfare of children.

She doesn't pay rent, because she lives on her grandmother's land. She gets free electricity from the county. They paid to have new pipes installed in her house, so that they won't freeze and burst. They bought her a new stove, new fridge, and even loaded the house with groceries.

She's a lazy bum that lives on the state. As long as she feeds her children though, she keeps them.

Now let me explain where the thread title comes from.

Yay!

CYS and the court system are in place to make sure that the mother has custody of the child under almost any circumstance, and make sure that the mother has every possible avenue covered to abuse the system.

Bullshit. They are only helping the woman in this instance because she has custody. I'm sure if you were in her position they would have given you just as many outs.

Domestic Relations does nothing but make sure the mother has what she needs to take care of the child, without actually making sure she does nothing on her own.

Shenanigans. My mom was barely pulling me and my family through the shitstorm that is "I have 50 dollars to feed the family on for 2 weeks," and we never had a government agency coming in a giving us food and shit. So your little generalization here is false.

I know of many fathers that quit their productive job, to work at gas stations, just so they don't have to pay absurd amounts of money to the mothers. I know of dads that have quit working altogether, so they can avoid paying crazy amounts in child support.

That's disgusting. It's outright shitty parenting, as well. That child support is there to make sure the mother has the money to feed her children. If you don't pay it, then you're shirking on your responsibilities as a father. My father was a horrible father, but he did always pay Child Support on time. It was only $1200 a month when he was making 80-90,000 dollars a year, but still. Those fathers should be ashamed of themselves.

What I mean by deadbeat dads, is dads that don't pay child support, or don't see their children, and it's because the system breaks them down in to giving up.

No. It's because they're deadbeats. My father only saw me once every 2 months when I was a child, and even less when I was in high school. That's not because the system beat him up. It's because he didn't care about me anymore than he absolutely had to so that he wouldn't feel bad. Don't give these deadbeat fathers an out and blame the system.

They stop working so they don't have the money to pay support. They don't see their children because they cna't afford to, or are working multiple jobs just to have a roof over their heads. No matter how it works, the system fucks with everything that makes you a dad.

They stop working because they don't want to care for their child. They don't see their children because they don't want to. If you really want to see your child, you will. Even if you have to fucking walk there. Don't blame the system.

I'm now stuck getting a second job, so I can struggle to make ends come close to meeting. I currently only see my son on the weekends, and now I'll be working while I should be playing with him, and being a dad. Just because I want to be there, and am trying to be there, isn't enough. I need to make my life worse than it is, so his mom can have a better life that she doesn't deserve.

Are you complaining about making your life harder so that you can see your son? That's what a father does. He works hard for his child.

Being a dad isn't about what you can provide, it's about being there for them, and nurturing them through life.

So you shouldn't have to pay child support when you divorce your wife and she takes custody? Are you really arguing you shouldn't have to support your child?

If I find a second job and still can't afford to pay support, the state will take him from me, and I won't be there, and I won't be providing him with anything. Not even the money for her to take care of him.

They'll garner your wages to make sure you pay your child support. She'll get that money. Trust me.

I could even get in to how I know she won't spend the money on him, but that's for another thread

What, where you make outlandish accusations that are merely anecdotal in nature?

 

[Deexter Jorgan]

The System works with whatever you have these days, its not the system you should be judging its the person who is abusing the system so she can get as much cash as she wants.

Ive had a friend who now is a family member who went through the same thing, he basically had a son with a women that was obsessed with a boy band suffering depression, she would not take care of her son or even put food on the little mans table, i knew this because i was witness to this travesty.

Six months later she threw him out and filed for divorce stating that her former husband beat her up and abused her, he stupidly just sat there and took it, she then got full benefits and her housing paid for but still did not take care of there child, leaving no food in the house whilst she went out clubbing at nights whilst we both sat there and baby sat the little boy, he filed for custody more then once but was outright refused all the time, he then left his job because he could not afford the child support and was becoming more and more depressed due to his situation, he was then placed on state benefit.

he was a family friend who then met my sister, they got married and started a life of their own, it didn't stop her however attempting to take her money to support his son, so they did the right thing and bought the boy clothes and fed him whilst he stayed with them but it didn't stop her demanding more money, my sister put a stop to and said no, it didn't stop her from attempting to get the system involved but their hands where tied due to the fact that the man i now call my brother in law is sitting at home whilst my sister works, she is on a comfortable income but in the end it still sucks because more or less he is a dead beat dad and has not been working since he started getting depressed from the whole child support situation.

My advice for you NSL is to maybe seek legal advice know what your rights are and if you can file a grievance against the state and provide proof that this women is not taking care of your son, the more evidence you have the more you can put together so that they will begin to listen, if not then you may have to bite the bullet and think of another way to obtain custody of your little man because until hes at the age of consent so that the state can actually ask him who he would like to live with your hands are basically tied because without evidence you wont get anywhere which IMO is sad.

My heart goes out to you my friend