The Story of Passover
Joesph had come to reside in Egypt, and over the centuries his children multiplied, until Pharaoh, perceiving the Hebrews as a threat, enslaved the Jewish population. Yet still, because there isn’t much to do as a slave besides work and screw, the Hebrews multiplied in Egypt. Pharaoh decided, as would the Romans, as would the English, as would the Russians, as would the American South, as would the Germans, as would the Arabs, that there were just too many Jews around, ordered all of the newborn male Hebrew babies to be slain. At this time was Moses born.
Moses’ mother and sister, deciding that being torn apart by wild animals, drowning, or dying of thirst would be a better death then being slain by Egyptian soldiers, abandoned Moses in a basket and pushed it downriver. Moses’ sister, perhaps being the only woman in the Old Testament who possesses any good sense at all, follows the basket downstream, until it is eventually retrieved by Pharaoh’s daughter. Thus a Hebrew child came to be raised as an Egyptian prince, and Pharaoh remained unaware, for as the Hebrews said, “he could pass.”
Many years passed, and Moses grew into an adolescent, whereupon he saw an Egyptian guard beating a slave. Confusing this consensual sex act with torture, or perhaps not, Moses flung into a rage and slew the Egyptian guard. Being the first Hebrew male to win a fight, he flew into the desert in fear and confusion.
But yea, for the Egyptian deserts are strange, and somehow Moses comes across a sheep herding family in the middle of the desert. He marries a daughter of this family, lives as a shepherd for many years, and then, as long as we’ve got sheep in the desert, Moses comes across a burning bush from which came the voice of God. And God said unto Moses, “Yea, for thine life shall suck, for it is you who I have chosen to liberate the Hebrews.” Moses said to God, “but I am not sure how I could complete this task”, and God replied, “Don’t worry, for when have I ever put someone through great difficulty for no reason?” Moses, whose Egyptian education had told him nothing about Job, returned to Egypt, and asked Pharaoh to release his people, or else God would visit his wrath upon the Egyptians.
Pharaoh, being confronted by a wild, crazed man from the desert who claimed to have been herding sheep, and didn’t even realize that as an Egyptian prince, murdering a citizen on a whim was all but a right of passage into manhood, who also didn’t realize how awesome slavery was when you weren’t the one doing the work, sent Moses away.
The first plague was blood; all of the waters of the Nile turned to blood, and were undrinkable. This boosted sales of Pharaoh’s “Drink Like An Egyptian” mead, and Pharaoh remained unmoved.
The second plauge was frogs; hordes of frogs invaded Egypt. However, Napoleon, short on food for his troops, would round up the frogs and ship them to France, and this is why the French still eat shitty food like frogs’ legs and snails when they have access to chicken, beef, and pork, and Pharaoh remained unmoved.
The third plague was lice; however, given the sanitary conditions already in place, no one noticed, and Pharaoh remained unmoved.
The fourth plague was wild animals; which stormed through the fields and cities. The Egyptians had long since discovered the arrow, the spear, and the snare trap, and a great cookout was held, where the Hebrews were forced to work as waitstaff and chefs, and Pharaoh remained unmoved.
The fifth plague was of pestilence; animals in Egypt dropped dead of disease. Considering that the plague of wild animals was just finishing up, this was actually somewhat of a blessing, and Pharaoh remained unmoved.
The sixth plague was of boils; and oh, how the Egyptians did scratch. Being inconvenienced in only a minor way, Pharaoh remained unmoved.
The seventh plague was of hail; and yea, God must not have gotten the message, because hail consists of water, and the Egyptians walked under their roofs, and their land was nurtured with moistness, and Pharaoh remained unmoved.
Finally, God decided it was time to stop screwing around, because he hadn’t gotten the message either about how great slavery was for the Egyptians.
The eighth plague was of locusts; and they ate the food and crops of the Egyptians. And oh, for locusts suck, for they get in freaking everything, yet Pharaoh remained unmoved.
The ninth plague was of darkness; and God darkened the sun for three days. And oh, for it was hard for Pharaoh, for his children would not stop complaining that they could not charge their iPods. But fortune smiled upon Pharaoh, for in his attic he found his old vinyl collection, and they spent their time listening to his old King Crimson LPs, and while Pharaoh was moved, it was not by the plight of the Hebrews.
The tenth plague was the final one to be visited on the Egyptians; whereupon God slew the first born male of each Egyptian household. The Hebrews, having marked their doors with lambs’ blood, remained untouched. Finally, shit was getting real, and Pharaoh said unto Moses, “I’m wagering your boss doesn’t like to stop at an even ten, so take your people and get the hell out of here.”
The Hebrews, knowing how fast Middle Easterners were to take back their word, gathered up their belongings and fled as quickly as they could. The Hebrew women did not have time to wait for their bread to rise, so they carried it on their back and cooked it as they traveled. And lo, one Hebrew woman carried a side of beef on her back, and being encrusted with peppercorns and spices, it cooked into the world’s first pastrami, and oh, how God smiled.
Someone eventually got word to Pharaoh that without the Jews, he had no slave labor, and without slave labor, the Egyptian economy fell apart, and he ordered his troops to pursue the Hebrews. The troops, far preferring the comfort of air conditioning to a long, hard march across the desert, stayed inside and happily let the Hebrews tell some crazy story about wandering through a magically split sea which would crash down and drown the Egyptians, figuring no one in their right mind would believe some crazy story like that.
And thus the Hebrews came to dwell over a few square hundred miles of desert for forty years, because no one amongst them had any knowledge of navigation or even basic astronomy.
The End
