That's right, ladies and gentleman, we've expanded our walls. Let me proudly introduce you to the next weekly edition to the JTMFTG.... The JTMFTG. Yes, it is here in which we'll go into detail on what has to be the absolute worst video games in the history of gaming. Yes, I'm aware that there is an Angry Video Game Nerd out there, and this is probably some type of rip off of the guy. I've actually never heard of the guy, but apparently he exists. He and the Nostalgia Critic have reviewed something together. And I'm a mark for the Nostalgia Critic. Nevertheless, we're going to look on exactly what makes video games horrible, and what gives them that something special to make put them at the fly infested top of this heaping pile of puppy poop. Be wary, the designers of these games indeed must be put into their place, and this is the place to do it, goddamnit it. Now, while I would like to do games that are historically bad (ET: The Game actually has about twenty million fricking copies of itself buried in a desert in New Mexico. Consider that for a second), if I want some realistic dialogue to come of this place, I have to do something that everyone here has had a chance to play. So without further ado, I'd like to induct the first entry into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Games:
What Did It Look Like?
Typically, fighting games don't translate well to handheld consoles, so already MKA had that going against them. Earlier, in versions of Mortal Kombat I, II, and III, they didn't have color. So I guess one thing I could say good for the game is that it was in color. Which allowed the typical color-switching ninjas we've become so used to saturating our video games. And while the characters look kinda three dimensional, I found myself completely disliking the graphics. The character's were skinnier than the rails you grind on in Tony Hawk, and move half as well as those same rails. The color's in the background look very blotchy, and I just find myself kind of distanced from how bad the scenes look. To put it simply, I found myself longing more for the graphics one finds in the SNES. Plenty of other games made the transition to the GBA from the SNES extremely well. Consider the Super Mario throwbacks Nintendo typically rehashed on the system, more specifically Yoshi's Island. Still, this was horribly butchered from its predecessors. Shame, as I found myself hoping to play in immense backgrounds, and characters that didn't look anorexic. Worse, glitches were a prevalent issue to the game, throwing me off my game. There's also some odd slowdown in places when the action seems to get a bit on the intense side. The GBA's special sprite capabilities aren't put to use here...don't expect to see any transparencies or scaling/rotation effects in this game. Hell, don't even expect to see blood, explosions, or any of the other tongue in cheek things which made MK the phenomenon we all know. And while the fatalities are here, they're so mistimed, you'd think Ray Charles coordinated them. This game, from a graphic standpoint, made the absolute worst transition from it's previous consoles.
How Does it Play
I hope you brought your bottle of cyanide. By the time you start playing, you'll want to down the damn thing, so keep it at arm's length. Or pocket's length, whichever one. The AI makes you feel as though you were facing Goliath, and you're David. Now, take away the slingshot, keep rocks off away from the terrain, and tie his arms behind his back. That's exactly how you're going to feel after playing this game. I can't believe how poorly the AI places you in a position to get boned in every single match. I had to use easy mode just to get to fucking Motaro. And God help your soul if you make it to him. He will devour you. Worse, he'll devour you, crap you out, and then stomp on your carcass to walk it dry. Guess that makes him the Stone Cold Steve Austin of Mortal Kombat. Sorry, Reptile. Anyway, the game is that hard, and the glitches don't help matters. They simply bog you down, and slowdown in any Mortal Kombat is never a good thing. At all. What's worse is the timing necessary to pull off special moves. Sure, the developers had to condense the Mortal Kombat controls onto the more limiting four-button configuration, but the programmers obviously didn't put a lot of time into testing every special move for each character. Let me tell you something... If you main Kung Lao, you're fucked from the beginning. Because the slowdown, and the rush to push on an unresponsive D-Pad eliminate any of the possible fun.
So Why's It So Bad?
I'm going to have to say it's because Midway rushed the project, in order to make the Holiday Rush. Can't tell you how many times that happens. It's actually pretty frustrating, coming from a Mortal Kombat mark like myself. Alas, this series will see better days, fear not. But as for this game, nothing at all made it enjoyable. It only pillaged a childhood, and left me to renounce my faith in all handheld fighting games.
Alas, leave your thoughts on MKA, as the first induction to the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Games
Mortal Kombat Advance
What Did It Look Like?
Typically, fighting games don't translate well to handheld consoles, so already MKA had that going against them. Earlier, in versions of Mortal Kombat I, II, and III, they didn't have color. So I guess one thing I could say good for the game is that it was in color. Which allowed the typical color-switching ninjas we've become so used to saturating our video games. And while the characters look kinda three dimensional, I found myself completely disliking the graphics. The character's were skinnier than the rails you grind on in Tony Hawk, and move half as well as those same rails. The color's in the background look very blotchy, and I just find myself kind of distanced from how bad the scenes look. To put it simply, I found myself longing more for the graphics one finds in the SNES. Plenty of other games made the transition to the GBA from the SNES extremely well. Consider the Super Mario throwbacks Nintendo typically rehashed on the system, more specifically Yoshi's Island. Still, this was horribly butchered from its predecessors. Shame, as I found myself hoping to play in immense backgrounds, and characters that didn't look anorexic. Worse, glitches were a prevalent issue to the game, throwing me off my game. There's also some odd slowdown in places when the action seems to get a bit on the intense side. The GBA's special sprite capabilities aren't put to use here...don't expect to see any transparencies or scaling/rotation effects in this game. Hell, don't even expect to see blood, explosions, or any of the other tongue in cheek things which made MK the phenomenon we all know. And while the fatalities are here, they're so mistimed, you'd think Ray Charles coordinated them. This game, from a graphic standpoint, made the absolute worst transition from it's previous consoles.
How Does it Play
I hope you brought your bottle of cyanide. By the time you start playing, you'll want to down the damn thing, so keep it at arm's length. Or pocket's length, whichever one. The AI makes you feel as though you were facing Goliath, and you're David. Now, take away the slingshot, keep rocks off away from the terrain, and tie his arms behind his back. That's exactly how you're going to feel after playing this game. I can't believe how poorly the AI places you in a position to get boned in every single match. I had to use easy mode just to get to fucking Motaro. And God help your soul if you make it to him. He will devour you. Worse, he'll devour you, crap you out, and then stomp on your carcass to walk it dry. Guess that makes him the Stone Cold Steve Austin of Mortal Kombat. Sorry, Reptile. Anyway, the game is that hard, and the glitches don't help matters. They simply bog you down, and slowdown in any Mortal Kombat is never a good thing. At all. What's worse is the timing necessary to pull off special moves. Sure, the developers had to condense the Mortal Kombat controls onto the more limiting four-button configuration, but the programmers obviously didn't put a lot of time into testing every special move for each character. Let me tell you something... If you main Kung Lao, you're fucked from the beginning. Because the slowdown, and the rush to push on an unresponsive D-Pad eliminate any of the possible fun.
So Why's It So Bad?
I'm going to have to say it's because Midway rushed the project, in order to make the Holiday Rush. Can't tell you how many times that happens. It's actually pretty frustrating, coming from a Mortal Kombat mark like myself. Alas, this series will see better days, fear not. But as for this game, nothing at all made it enjoyable. It only pillaged a childhood, and left me to renounce my faith in all handheld fighting games.
Alas, leave your thoughts on MKA, as the first induction to the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Games
