The Butcher
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"The Butcher's Choice" by Dickie B
Cold cuts, the butcher’s choice, each clean, fresh and done to order.
So many queue and ask for theirs, I work all day and night.
I please each visitor; they get their slice of meat.
My mother’s saddened by my profession; she sees no good in it.
I tell her it makes me happy, a release, a service to the people.
A doctor came to see me one day; he said ‘how does the blood make you feel?’
I told him ‘it’s all part of the job like it or not, I need to make a living.’
He took great interest in my craft, so I cut a juicy one just for him.
Though as much as I love my trade, I can’t say it doesn’t hurt at times.
When it’s far too busy, I can’t carve fast enough, when the meat turns rotten, yellow and green.
It’s been quiet for some time now, everyone’s had their fill, maybe I can rest?
As this meat is hard to come by, prime choice straight off the bone.
I’m quite tired now, iron coated and soaked through; if I close up shop will I make it home?
Cold cuts, the butcher’s choice, each clean, fresh and done to order.
So many queue and ask for theirs, I work all day and night.
I please each visitor; they get their slice of meat.
My mother’s saddened by my profession; she sees no good in it.
I tell her it makes me happy, a release, a service to the people.
A doctor came to see me one day; he said ‘how does the blood make you feel?’
I told him ‘it’s all part of the job like it or not, I need to make a living.’
He took great interest in my craft, so I cut a juicy one just for him.
Though as much as I love my trade, I can’t say it doesn’t hurt at times.
When it’s far too busy, I can’t carve fast enough, when the meat turns rotten, yellow and green.
It’s been quiet for some time now, everyone’s had their fill, maybe I can rest?
As this meat is hard to come by, prime choice straight off the bone.
I’m quite tired now, iron coated and soaked through; if I close up shop will I make it home?
Merry Christmas, WrestleZone! Miss me? No? Well I'm back anyway and as that oddly sexual poem alludes to, I have been working my ass off. Butcher's management now! The raise is pending but not the responsibility, but Mr. Scrooge did see fit to give me Christmas Day off so I can't complain. Actually I can, and I will.
Fucking Christmas, man. I have the ultimate love/hate relationship with Christmas. I had an on-again, off-again girlfriend who I missed each time we broke up, but was never totally happy with when we were together. Christmas has become that for me. I'm ready for Christmas to be done. Later this morning Christmas and I will have break-up sex, and then I will let Christmas down easy. I'm ready to see other holidays.
I know that as I age I am progressively getting more and more out of touch. I realized just how far gone I am recently after having a sexual encounter with a 19-year old woman. After coitus, I prepared for conversation, as was the style in my time. Instead of asking me loaded questions however, this young lady is immediately playing the Instagrams on her phone. I just sat there making awkward comments and praying that I pulled out fast enough.
While I'm on the topic of once-funny men having sex with younger women, I have to say that the amount of Bill Cosby accusers is officially absurd enough to make me doubt that he did anything wrong. I mean there are only so many hours in a fucking day. Guilty or not, I don't mind The Cos being at the center of a shitstorm, because that old bastard had the internet show House of Cosbys shut down, and House of Cosbys was fucking brilliant.
Genius. Pure genius.
I was torn over the recent mess surrounding the movie, The Interview. On the one hand, I don't believe that the studio and theaters should've reacted the way they did to unsubstantiated threats; on the other hand, though, it's hard not to support pulling a Seth Rogan/James Franco "comedy."
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is the best Christmas movie, and if you haven't watched it during this holiday season then you need to be fixing that.
Okay, kids, that's enough processed meat for one night. Now scurry off to bed. It's already 3 on the east coast, and I haven't started delivering these sausages yet.
Only if you've been nice, though. Naughty kids get a present from Adrian Peterson Claus's bag o' whoop ass.
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is the best Christmas movie, and if you haven't watched it during this holiday season then you need to be fixing that.
Okay, kids, that's enough processed meat for one night. Now scurry off to bed. It's already 3 on the east coast, and I haven't started delivering these sausages yet.
Only if you've been nice, though. Naughty kids get a present from Adrian Peterson Claus's bag o' whoop ass.
A sincere Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Kwazy Kwanzaa, and whatever else to all of you. Have fun and try not to get into any drunken altercations with family members. If you're even remotely famous that kinda thing will land you on the front page of TMZ.
