The scene is set on a ridge overlooking a country estate. The property in view is probably three, maybe four acres large, and features a large cabin-style home that covers most of the property. You can barely make out the stables in the cloudy night sky, but the sounds of the horses can be heard for miles with no city sounds to drown them out. In fact, the nearest highway is a ten-mile drive away. This is the type of property someone bought hoping to be alone with their thoughts. But tonight, they wont be alone.
A man in a black ski mask stands on the ridge, surveying the property through a pair of binoculars.
???: I cant see a dang thing in this mask!
The man pulls his ski mask off, revealing yet another mask underneath.
Saboteur: Much better! Now lets find a point of entry so I can finally end this!
Saboteurs binoculars find a small wooden fence that he can easily hop. From there, he sees some high hedges that he should be able to take cover behind to avoid being spotted by the propertys owner. Once his view gets close to the house, he sees a first story window that is just barely cracked open: the entry point hes looking for.
Saboteur: You thought I wouldnt be able to find your impenetrable Vermont fortress when you first waged war on me, but Im here now, and within a few moments I will be lurking in your halls, waiting to plant a bullet in your brain.
Saboteur takes his binoculars off and leans down to open a nearby duffle bag. There is only one thing in the bag: a military-grade assault rifle with an extended magazine and a suppressor attached at the end of the barrel.
Saboteur: You decided to mess with the wrong professional wrestler, Whoopi.
Saboteur Vol. 12 Ep. 4: The Assault on Goldberg Manor
Theres an implied time jump as Saboteur is now peering through the window he has marked as an entry point. The room on the inside of the window appears to be a family room with a few leather couches, a glass coffee table covered in thick books, and a few pieces of pottery placed on pedestals in various places around the room. Theres no sign of anyone occupying the room, and the house seems to be completely silent.
Saboteur: I must have caught her after her bedtime. Looks like the coast is clear.
Saboteur pushes the window open and climbs inside. He slides silently through the opening and plants his feet softly on the floor, taking great care to make sure he doesnt drop the deadly weapon hes carrying. Saboteur starts to slowly pace, one small step at a time, each one calculatedly soft so as not to awake his targets slumber. Each step he takes makes a very soft pat on the wood floor.
Pat.
Pat.
Pat.
Pat.
Saboteurs foot lands on something soft, and before realizes whats happening, he finds himself falling backwards.
THUD!
Saboteur lands hard on his rear causing the ground to shake, and one of the pots adorning the family room starts to wobble. Saboteur rolls over and lunges towards the pot and catches it with one hand as it falls, but in doing so he knocks over the pedestal it was resting on. Unable to let go of his assault rifle, Saboteur bobbles the pot in his arms as he tries to use his now free hand to catch the pedestal, but he misses. Fortunately, he gets his leg out in the nick of time and his foot catches the pedestal right before it hits the ground. Unfortunately, Saboteur has to pull his foot back as he continues to bobble the pot. The pedestal falls a few short inches to the floor and silently lands, but Saboteur trips backwards as he tries to catch the pot. Saboteur gets a firm grasp on the pot as he falls
right onto the glass table.
Saboteur breaths a sigh of deep relief as, against all odds, the glass coffee table holds his weight. He gently places the pot on the table and rolls to the floor. He brushes himself off as he gets to hiss feet.
Saboteur: Whew! That was a close one.
It is precisely at that moment that a blaring alarm goes off. A red light blinks on and off as the siren wails. Saboteur is paralyzed in fear as the alarm goes off, but the spell is broken when he hears the sound of shotgun being pumped.
???: DIE YOU MOTHER FUCKIN, COCK SUCKIN CROSS DESSIN SON OF A BIIIIIIITCH!
Saboteur dives behind the couch as Whoopi Goldberg unloads a buck shot into her family room, narrowly missing Saboteur and taking out a window instead.
Saboteur: This is clearly a mans spandex outfit, thank you!
Saboteur returns blind fire from behind the couch, but Whoopi Goldberg has the wherewithal to duck behind a divider separating the family room from the kitchen. Whoopi returns some blind fire of her own, blowing up the very pot that Saboteur saved from crashing to the floor.
Saboteur: Stupid Whoopi Goldberg, destroying my hard work.
Whoopi Goldberg pops up and fires off a few more shotgun shells. One hits the couch Saboteur is hiding behind, one hits the wall behind the couch, and the last knocks down a horse painting hanging on the wall.
Whoopi: Goddammit, my favorite horse painted that!
Whoopi tosses her shotgun to the side and takes off running. Saboteur hears the gun hit the ground and emerges from cover to fire at Whoopi, but he only gets a few shots off before Whoopi disappears deeper into the house. Saboteur jumps over the couch and gives chase to the woman that has been haunting him for the past month. Saboteur occasionally sees glimpses of Whoopi Goldbergs dreadlocks and fires at them, but each time he misses and his target continues to flee. The chase continues all around the house, with Saboteurs bullets finding walls, windows, artwork, and on one occasion a taxidermized three-toe-sloth, but never Whoopi Goldberg.
Whoopi Goldberg ducks down a larger hallway and explodes through a very large, heavy wooden door. She closes it behind her, and Saboteur crashes into it a few seconds later. He throws his weight at it a few times and eventually it explodes open. Saboteur unleashes a few more rounds as the door opens until the gun goes click. Hes out of ammo. Saboteur throws his rifle to the ground in frustration, and as he looks up he comes to a startling realization.
Saboteur: Sweet mother of Manzo.
Saboteur takes a step forward and looks around at the hundreds of wax statues of Whoopi Goldberg that surround him. Saboteurs spine grows rigid and his fists clench as he angrily calls to his foe.
Saboteur: You think this is it, Whoopi? You think this is going to stop me? Well I have some news for you Sister Act, I came here for a mission, and Im not going to leave until Ive completed it. I am not leaving this house until Ive killed you.
Saboteur reaches his hands behind his back and unsheathes his katanas. With a primal scream, Saboteur charges into the hall of Whoopi Goldberg wax statues and begins to behead them. With a sword in each hand, he makes quick work of the figures in efficient manner, running down the rows with his katanas extended out like airplane wings of death. With each stride he takes, Saboteur slices off another wax Whoopi head. After thirty seconds of frenzied swordsman ship, Saboteur finds himself in the middle of just over a hundred headless Whoopi Goldberg wax figures, and ankle deep in Whoopi Goldberg wax heads. None of them are the real Whoopi Goldbergs head.
Saboteur: Where are you!? Show yourself you evil witch!
Saboteur feels a cold feeling creeping up his spine and he turns around
Whoopi: Got ya, bitch.
But its too late. Whoopi Goldberg pulls a trigger and two prongs shoot at Saboteurs chest and attach themselves, sending 500,000 volts through our heros body. He drops to the floor, unconscious, and we fade to black.
--------------------
A bright light shines directly into Saboteurs face as he slowly comes too. The only thing he can make out in the room is a bushy haired figure standing in front of him.
Saboteur: Where
where am I? Did I fall into a pool or something?
Whoopi: No, you peed yourself. That type of thing generally happens when being tasered.
Saboteur: You tased me, bro?! Not cool!
Whoopi: Oh, and you breaking into my house and opening fire on me is cool? Give me one good reason why I shouldnt call the cops and have you locked the hell up.
Saboteur: Oh puh-lease, Whoopi, we all know that youve been aiming to kill me for months now, so just finish me here. And make it fast will ya? There are few things I hate more than a long, drawn-out death scene.
Whoopi: Kill you? What the hell are you talking about? I dont even know who you are!
Saboteur: Dont play dumb with me sister, Ive figured you out! I know that you poisoned Master Chop Onion!
Whoopi: Master who?
Saboteur: Master Chop Onion! Saxtons mentor and kung-fu master! You knew that he would name Action Saxton as his replacement, and you knew that the best way to get to me was to have Action Saxton as far away from me as possible.
Whoopi: Action Saxton? You mean the only person to have won more Blackademy Awards than me?
Saboteur: The very same! With Saxton out of the picture, you were hired by Vance Bateman and Steven Holmes to take me out so that they can move the tag titles off of me and onto Holmes and Crimson. And now you got me here, dead to rights. Finish the job like the proud black comedian you are and let me go out with some dignity!
Whoopi: Sweetie, I dont fully understand about half the things you just said, but I can assure you this: whatever dignity you had in the past has been gone for a long time.
Saboteur sighs and looks down at his bound feet.
Saboteur: I didnt think it would end like this: at the hands of a mediocre standup that has made a few slightly above average films.
Whoopi: Fool, Im not gonna kill you. You are messed up in the head, you know that?
Saboteurs head perks up.
Saboteur: You arent?
Whoopi: Hell no. For one thing, I have no idea who you are. But more importantly: I make millions of dollars a year for telling jokes and putting bitches in their place on national television. Life is too good to throw it away murdering some nutjob that broke into my house.
Saboteur: So
youll let me go then?
Whoopi: Hell no! Im calling the police and having your ass thrown in jail!
Saboteur: Wait! Dont do that! I have a match to fight in on Sunday!
Whoopi: A match? What the hell are you talking about?
Saboteur: A wrestling match! I am the greatest wrestler in the world and I will be defending my tag team titles against Steven Holmes and Celeste Crimson, but Ill be doing it without my trusty partner, Action Saxton. But if youre not the reason Action Saxton got sent to China, I dont know what is. Maybe its Jane Lynch: Ive never trusted those Glee kids
Whoopi: Hold on Saboteur: you keep on coming up with these crazy conspiracy theories for why you and Action Saxton arent tag team partners any more. Do you know who comes up with conspiracy theories?
Saboteur: Really good looking, extraordinarily talented professional wrestlers?
Whoopi: People unable to accept that we live in a world dominated by chaos and unpredictability. Sometimes bad things happen for no reason, and we have to accept that, and you have to let go to the old days of Saxton and Saboteur.
Saboteur: Youre one to talk. You couldnt let go of that orangutan in Eddie!
Whoopi: Please, I shot that annoying monkey the second we wrapped shooting. I even mounted his head on my wall, see?
Whoopi Goldberg motions with her head to a mounted ape head on her wall.
Saboteur: Dang! You are one stone cold lady!
Whoopi: Youre damn right, and you need to be too!
Saboteur: So what youre saying is
I need to get a sex change and kill Action Saxton?
Whoopi: No! Jeeze, you really are a dumbass arent you? No, what you need to do is accept the past and focus on the future! Saxton may be gone, but youre still here, and youre still tag team champion!
Saboteur: Yeah, just like you after you broke up with Patrick Stewart! Did you wallow in self-pity for having lost the love of one of the greatest English actors of our time? No! You went out and booked yourself Sister Act 2!
Whoopi: Exactly!
Saboteur: And then when your third husband left you, you went out and starred in Bogus! Sure, it was a financial and critical disaster, but you gave one of the best performances of your career!
Whoopi: Okay, you've made your point.
Saboteur: And then after you gave up on finding love because youre so old and undesirable, you went and got booked as a host on The View!
Whoopi: Alright already! Jesus! The point is, you cant go around trying to fix the past, but you can control your future.
Saboteur: And thats why Im going to stop trying to kill you and start trying to kill Steven Holmes and Celeste Crimson!
Whoopi: Maybe just focus on beating them in your match at Redemption and leave the killing for later.
Saboteur:
Well if you
wait, does that mean
?
Whoopi: Yeah, against my better judgment, Im gonna let you go. But if you EVER step foot on my ranch again, Im gonna shoot you right between those two soulless dots you call eyes.
Whoopi whips out a switchblade and cuts the ropes that held Saboteur to the chair. Saboteur pops out of the seat and shakes some life back into his limbs before grabbing Whoopis hand and shaking it.
Saboteur: Thanks for helping me out Whoopi, and sorry for trying to kill you. Is there anything I can do to repay you?
Whoopi: Yeah, you can give me a check for all the damages you did to my house.
Saboteur: Sure, let me just grab my wallet and
hey, is that a Klingon?!
Whoopi turns around to look, but by the time she realizes whats going on, Saboteur is bursting out the doors of Goldberg Manor. As he runs back towards the highway, Saboteur recounts the important lesson he learned today.
Saboteur: I need to get a bunch of wax figures made of myself.
No, not that one.
Saboteur: And I need to get past the days of Saxton and Saboteur. No more trying to recreate the past. While my days with Action Saxton were truly legendary, Im going to have a new partner at Redemption. Together he and I will continue to make history, and it all starts with retaining the tag titles against Holmes and Crimson.
Saboteur get back to the highway and hops into his getaway vehicle, driving into the night; driving into a new chapter in the life of Saboteur.