Putting conditions on gifts you give out

[Hyorinmaru]

This will need a bit of a personal back story so bear with me a bit.

My mother-in-law gave me and my wife $50 for Valentines Day. A nice gesture from mother to daughter but she put the condition on it that we had to take our daughter out to dinner with it completely fucking up the plans we had in place for weeks to go out to Dinner at a new restaurant in Salem and go see Deadpool.


Now you may be thinking why not just take the money and do what we had planned anyway? Well because her mother gave her the money out of the blue and put the condition on its use my wife felt obligated to use it as asked no matter what I said.



Now I'm of the opinion that a gift with a condition attached is no longer a gift. I don't know what to call it but gift doesn't spring to mind. I love my mother-in-law but this isn't the first time she's done this and it pisses me off every time.


What are your thoughts on situations like this?

Has this happened to you? If so how did you feel about it and did you confront the person?

Have you done it to others be it on purpose or without thinking?

 

[ScreaminNormanSmiley]

So basically what you are saying is that your mother in law wanted to do something nice for her granddaughter, and rather than go through with that or tell her that you already have plans and can not accept her offer, you want to pocket the money for yourself? How entitled can you get? Someone can absolutely offer money for a specific reason, you have no right to it and if you do not want what they are offering just don't accept.

 

[Reflection]

As we all know, life isn't perfect; plans don't come to fruition a lot of times. You just gotta deal with it and make plans for another day. Dinner at the restaurant, Deadpool in the theatre, push-ups in bed... none of these are gone for good; they will be there for when you have the time again.

If this happened to me, I'd think, "That f***ing b****! Oh well, this looks unavoidable, so might as well make the most of what we have. Let's see if we can arrange for something in one of the weekdays." I wouldn't say anything to her. I would probably tell my wife "there goes our plan," but that's about it.

For what it's worth, I don't care for these media-popularised days like "valentine's day," "fathers' day," "mothers' day," "chocolate day," "rose day" etc. anyway. Therefore, I wouldn't be any extra mad for my plans being ruined on that particular day, than any other day of the year.

I rarely ask people for favors (or give them gifts, for that matter), so no, I don't think so. But I don't know... If I felt that my son-in-law was only interested in my daughter, and ignoring his duties towards his stepdaughter in the process, I might do something like that. Not insinuating that you are doing that, but you know, maybe that's the way she feels. Let me ask you this man-to-man, Did you ever push your stepdaughter out of your room and shut the door behind her? Maybe she told her granny about it. Just trying some reverse engineering.

 

[ABMorales787]

Congratulations, Milenko. You figured out parenting. Child comes first. No but's.

What are your thoughts on situations like this?

Re-schedule.

Has this happened to you? If so how did you feel about it and did you confront the person?

I'm not even a parent and I know it happens to a billion people. Guess what, they don't consult a forum for parenting tips. They do the obvious.

Have you done it to others be it on purpose or without thinking?

Yes. Guess what, when you have a child, the child comes first. Period.

 

[smizzy]

What did you wind up doing? If y'all had the plans already, couldn't you have followed through with them and then used the $50 for dinner with the daughter later on during the week? Regardless, I'm sure you expressed some gratitude to her, correct? Fifty bucks is pretty generous for any occasion.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

We all went out to dinner as a family like she asked us too and yes I told her I was grateful for the $50. As for the plans for just me and the wife we're looking at hopefully next month having a date night.

Rereading that I did come across as a giant ungrateful dick which wasn't what I planned on doing (but accomplished anyway it seems).

I just picked this instance because it's the most recent but it could be anyone giving anything. To me a gift giver has no say in how a gift will be used after it's given. It's no longer a gift after that. Say I gave any of you a video game (on whatever system you own) but you could only play it with me online. It's that kind of thing that I'm talking about, just not able to put it into words that doesn't make me an asshay.

 

[Lee]

Question:

You state the money was out the blue yet you also said it scuppered your plans for weeks.

Either you didn't have the money (your post in WZCW stated the money was a lend) or you did. If you didn't have the money why make the plans? If you did have the money why lend from your mother in law?

 

[OYDK]

I just picked this instance because it's the most recent but it could be anyone giving anything. To me a gift giver has no say in how a gift will be used after it's given. It's no longer a gift after that.

Eh, I guess so. I feel, there are some cases in which it's ok to feel angry about conditions on a gift. Your example of the video game is one such case. At that point, I think it's ok to say "no, you keep it". However, money is not one such case. Your mother-in-law likely gave you the money so you can have family time. It was not meant for you and your wife to have a personal date. Some of that money belongs to your child, you are just the one in possession of it.

If it bugged you so much, you could have not accepted it. That would have been ridiculous though.

 

[George Steele's Barber]

Don't be so entitled. You're missing the purpose of the gift. The gift was not one for you and not one for you and your wife. The gift was for your family. Your mother in law is not your mom and furthermore you are a grown ass adult who does not deserve anything from anyone.

Is it so obsurd that your mother in law wants her grandchild to have a nice experience with her mom and step dad? That the mother in law would want as much to go to grand child as the adults? Where do you get off expecting anything at all from the woman who gave birth to your wife on a Hallmark holiday meant to express cutesy love?

Stop making Republicans seem right.

 

[Mustang Sally]

Now I'm of the opinion that a gift with a condition attached is no longer a gift.

Contractually, gifts can come with conditions. If you want to keep the gift but can't (or won't) fulfill the condition, either don't accept the money or go back to the person giving the gift and tell them you'd like to keep it but don't want to adhere to the condition. At that point, it's up to the donor to either cancel the condition.....or take the gift back.

Still, anytime someone gives you something of value and doesn't require repayment, it's a gift.

 

[ShinChan]

This will need a bit of a personal back story so bear with me a bit.

My mother-in-law gave me and my wife $50 for Valentines Day. A nice gesture from mother to daughter but she put the condition on it that we had to take our daughter out to dinner with it completely fucking up the plans we had in place for weeks to go out to Dinner at a new restaurant in Salem and go see Deadpool.


Now you may be thinking why not just take the money and do what we had planned anyway? Well because her mother gave her the money out of the blue and put the condition on its use my wife felt obligated to use it as asked no matter what I said.



Now I'm of the opinion that a gift with a condition attached is no longer a gift. I don't know what to call it but gift doesn't spring to mind. I love my mother-in-law but this isn't the first time she's done this and it pisses me off every time.


What are your thoughts on situations like this?

Has this happened to you? If so how did you feel about it and did you confront the person?

Have you done it to others be it on purpose or without thinking?

So I am gonna be rude to you because its family!

You were wrong this time. At Old Age, People tend to behave like children and therefore need to be handled like they are children. They have childish desires and still I think they are right in their approach. Same goes with your mother's wish. I know She is your mother-in-law but you will feel better if you treat her as your mom. Her wish might seen awkward but taking it in a positive way, I think its unique and good too. I know how much bad you have felt on getting your plans ruined. But it was for a good cause. You need to understand that fulfilling some easy desires of your parents is much much important than your own plans. Everything happens for good, so I think this plan was a better one to occur. Much importantly, They love to see their grandchilds happy so it was just a way of doing that. You neednot think your plans were ruined, you can think that they were made better.

And it doesnot resemble your given examples as they are another things. It is no way comparable to example you gave.

And you didnot come off as *beep* for me atleast, as its just human nature, buddy.

​

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Question:

You state the money was out the blue yet you also said it scuppered your plans for weeks.


Either you didn't have the money (your post in WZCW stated the money was a lend) or you did. If you didn't have the money why make the plans? If you did have the money why lend from your mother in law?

The word lend was the wrong one. She doesn't expect us to pay it back. And it was out of the blue. My wife talks to her every day and during the conversation she said she would give us the money.

We did have the money when the plans were made. Still do have the money technically. However like Killjoy stated the child comes first and our daughter needs glasses so we're getting her a pair

 

[Navi]

This will need a bit of a personal back story so bear with me a bit.

My mother-in-law gave me and my wife $50 for Valentines Day. A nice gesture from mother to daughter but she put the condition on it that we had to take our daughter out to dinner with it completely fucking up the plans we had in place for weeks to go out to Dinner at a new restaurant in Salem and go see Deadpool.


Now you may be thinking why not just take the money and do what we had planned anyway? Well because her mother gave her the money out of the blue and put the condition on its use my wife felt obligated to use it as asked no matter what I said.

Now I'm of the opinion that a gift with a condition attached is no longer a gift. I don't know what to call it but gift doesn't spring to mind. I love my mother-in-law but this isn't the first time she's done this and it pisses me off every time.

What are your thoughts on situations like this?

Has this happened to you? If so how did you feel about it and did you confront the person?

Have you done it to others be it on purpose or without thinking?

First of all it was a nice thing for your mother in law to do, but I only have one issue with it. If my mother in law gave us a gift and asked us to take our son out to dinner with it, that's fine, but we go out to dinner when we want too, not when she wants us too.

There was nothing wrong with you accepting the money, going out to dinner and seeing a movie with your wife, take your daughter out another night with the money received. Valentine's Day is for couples and it might have been better for your mother in law to offer to babysit and take your daughter out herself, letting you guys have the night off. That would have been a much better way to handle it.

My parents used to live in Florida throughout the winter, they were snowbirds. Every year my mother would send me money to buy my son his snowsuit and boots. Never asked for it and didn't need it. God knows why she picked those two items, but the money she sent went towards that. Canadian winters are much harder than winter down south and she couldn't buy the clothes there. She would send my sister the same amount for my nephew. Plus she missed the grandkids and wanted to feel that she was doing something for them.

In future tell your mother in law you appreciate the gifts she gives, but in a case like this, you and your wife will decide when and where you as a family will have dinner. I would never for example go to a wedding, give money as a gift and tell the couple what to buy with it. Neither would I give someone money for their birthday and tell them how to use it. Once the money is in their hands, they can set it on fire for all I care. Out of sight out of mind is my motto when it comes to gifts.

 

[Poop Master Flex]

What are your thoughts on situations like this?

Did she give you $50 to do something specifically on Valentines Day or did she just want to ensure it was used with your daughter in mind? At least to me, it just sounded like she wanted to make sure you guys did something as a family with it. I've gotten money from my Grandma before with the condition to use it on the family and not myself. I don't see anything wrong with this.

Let's be real here, as long as you take your family out with the $50 I can't imagine her giving a shit if it's actually used on Valentine's Day or not, chances are she just wants it to be used for her granddaughter as well. If she said something along the lines of "here's $50, I expect you to take your whole family out regardless of your current plans" then I just wouldn't take it and move on but for some reason I really don't think that's the case here.

Has this happened to you? If so how did you feel about it and did you confront the person?

If someone gives me a gift sometimes they put a condition on it and sometimes they don't. Frankly the only time it gets on my nerves is when they put the condition on after the fact and not when they initially give me the gift. As long as I'm aware of any conditions before I take the gift I see no issue.

Have you done it to others be it on purpose or without thinking?

A few times. Rule of thumb is I never do this, I feel a gift is a gift and they should be given without any expectation from the receiving party. With that said I have given money expecting it back at a certain date due to a lack of funds or I do sort of a barter system where I buy something for someone 1 day with the condition they get me something another day (once again this would only happen due to lack of funds) but that's about it.

 

[FromTheSouth]

This will need a bit of a personal back story so bear with me a bit.

My mother-in-law gave me and my wife $50 for Valentines Day. A nice gesture from mother to daughter but she put the condition on it that we had to take our daughter out to dinner with it completely fucking up the plans we had in place for weeks to go out to Dinner at a new restaurant in Salem and go see Deadpool.


Now you may be thinking why not just take the money and do what we had planned anyway? Well because her mother gave her the money out of the blue and put the condition on its use my wife felt obligated to use it as asked no matter what I said.



Now I'm of the opinion that a gift with a condition attached is no longer a gift. I don't know what to call it but gift doesn't spring to mind. I love my mother-in-law but this isn't the first time she's done this and it pisses me off every time.


What are your thoughts on situations like this?

Has this happened to you? If so how did you feel about it and did you confront the person?

Have you done it to others be it on purpose or without thinking?

She paid you to babysit your own kid. She also found a nice way to say that she had plans and she wasn't going to watch your kids.

I don't necessarily disagree with putting conditions on gifts. If I give a $10,000 diamond ring to a girl and she decides to not marry me, she better give that ring back. If I buy my hypothetical kid a car, damn right he is picking his siblings up and going to the store whenever I please.

 

[Khalifa]

I think deaner asked the best question. Did she say you had to specifically use it for Valentine's Day or whenever you pleased? I'm assuming it would have to be on that day or otherwise you wouldn't of been not happy about it. I have no idea about your personal life so if that was the only chance you and your wife had the time to go out by yourselves in a long time then I can see why you were unhappy about it. However I think she had every right to put a condition on the gift. I can see where you are coming from but I think it's different when it comes to money.

 

[Navi]

I can see where you are coming from but I think it's different when it comes to money.

See that's where you and I will disagree. If someone ask's to borrow money either to pay an outstanding bill or to put towards something, and I give it too them, then I expect them to use it to do just that. Because in a way the person asking for it is putting the condition on it and it's not really a gift then. Mind you I never expect to get paid back, especially if it's family.

On the other hand if I give let's say my nephew or niece's money as a gift for Christmas or their birthday's, then they can spend it on anything. It is my choice to either buy a gift or just give cash. Sometimes I don't know exactly what they need, and it's better to just give money so they can buy what they want with it.

 

[Khalifa]

See that's where you and I will disagree. If someone ask's to borrow money either to pay an outstanding bill or to put towards something, and I give it too them, then I expect them to use it to do just that. Because in a way the person asking for it is putting the condition on it and it's not really a gift then. Mind you I never expect to get paid back, especially if it's family.

On the other hand if I give let's say my nephew or niece's money as a gift for Christmas or their birthday's, then they can spend it on anything. It is my choice to either buy a gift or just give cash. Sometimes I don't know exactly what they need, and it's better to just give money so they can buy what they want with it.

I see what you are saying and I agree to an extent, however I look at it like this. Let's say a friend pays off a bill you have because you are in a bad situation at the time and he says you don't have to pay him back. That would be a gift right? Instead of giving you the money he is paying off your bill for you taking away the middle man process. For his mother in law to give him this money I see it as "I don't know where you guys want to eat but take it, you pick just go have fun." She is giving them a gift. Letting them choose is so she doesn't pick a place that either doesn't suit the family or they don't like. Does she usually give them money on Valentine's Day as a present? I'm not sure but I doubt it. So this is a one off thing. It's not like she put the stipulation on this year specifically. She wanted her family to have a good meal on a 'special' day but ultimately gave them the choice on where to eat. That is how I am looking at it.

The Christmas and birthday money is a bit different. Like you said you are not sure what to get them so you let them choose. However in my family it you give your nephews etc presents/gifts until their 18, so I don't know what it's like in yours but it is a yearly gift for quite awhile. Would be a bit weird in saying" hey I'll give you this money as long as you get this" when you could of got it yourself or haven't done it any other year prior. Like I said before though, I understand where you are coming from.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

I think deaner asked the best question. Did she say you had to specifically use it for Valentine's Day or whenever you pleased?

She specifically said to take her out on Valentines Day. And no me and my wife don't get out by ourselves that often.


And just something I would like to point out to everyone saying she did it so she wouldn't have to babysit. She lives in Arizona, she can't babysit. And not accepting it wasn't an option either. By the time I knew about it my wife already said OK

 

[Navi]

I see what you are saying and I agree to an extent, however I look at it like this. Let's say a friend pays off a bill you have because you are in a bad situation at the time and he says you don't have to pay him back. That would be a gift right? Instead of giving you the money he is paying off your bill for you taking away the middle man process. For his mother in law to give him this money I see it as "I don't know where you guys want to eat but take it, you pick just go have fun." She is giving them a gift. Letting them choose is so she doesn't pick a place that either doesn't suit the family or they don't like. Does she usually give them money on Valentine's Day as a present? I'm not sure but I doubt it. So this is a one off thing. It's not like she put the stipulation on this year specifically. She wanted her family to have a good meal on a 'special' day but ultimately gave them the choice on where to eat. That is how I am looking at it.

When someone pays off a bill for you, or gives you money to pay off a bill, it's not a gift, it's a loan. And if it's a loan, then it's expected that it will be paid back. If you give someone money as a gift, then it's not expected to be paid back. Also gifts aren't asked for, whereas a loan for cash would be. Otherwise how would you know unless you where asked in advance.

The Christmas and birthday money is a bit different. Like you said you are not sure what to get them so you let them choose. However in my family it you give your nephews etc presents/gifts until their 18, so I don't know what it's like in yours but it is a yearly gift for quite awhile. Would be a bit weird in saying" hey I'll give you this money as long as you get this" when you could of got it yourself or haven't done it any other year prior. Like I said before though, I understand where you are coming from.

We do the same here when the kids are young. As they get older though it's hard to know what to buy. This year we gave my nephew cash because he wants a put a new sound system in his car and is saving towards it. Otherwise I would have bought him something. I hate giving cash really, it's a lazy gift with no thought behind it. Usually we end up giving a small gift and a gift card at their favourite store.

She specifically said to take her out on Valentines Day. And no me and my wife don't get out by ourselves that often.

And just something I would like to point out to everyone saying she did it so she wouldn't have to babysit. She lives in Arizona, she can't babysit. And not accepting it wasn't an option either. By the time I knew about it my wife already said OK

I know it's your mother in law, and believe me I'm not trying to be rude, but she really doesn't have the right to tell you when to take your daughter out to dinner, not on Valentine's Day. I know some people don't care that much about it, but in our family we do because it's our anniversary as well.

I'm the type I would have called her back and thanked her, but also told her we would take the child out the following night, as we already had plans for the evening. If she wished to have the money back then she could have it.

 

[Mustang Sally]

When someone pays off a bill for you, or gives you money to pay off a bill, it's not a gift, it's a loan.

Not necessarily. Whether someone hands you money or advances it to a third party on your behalf, they've 'gifted' you the money, not loaned it.

Also gifts aren't asked for, whereas a loan for cash would be.

This is also not necessarily so. A person can ask for a gift from someone else. Granted, it wouldn't be what is traditionally considered a gift.....with a wrapped package or envelope.....but under the law, it would be a gift. If you don't have to pay it back, it's a gift.

I know it's your mother in law, and believe me I'm not trying to be rude, but she really doesn't have the right to tell you when to take your daughter out to dinner, not on Valentine's Day.

Yes, she does. It might not be considered good form in a social sense for her to do so, but if Mom decides to give money for the express purpose of going out to dinner, that's what the recipient is obligated to use it for. If they don't want to go out to dinner, they should send back the gift, unless they can get Mom's approval to change the condition.

Gifts may be unconditional or conditional, but they're still gifts if no repayment is required.

 

[DirtyJosé]

The gift didn't come with a condition. A dinner with your daughter was the gift. You were free to refuse if you didn't want it. There is no bigger issue here other than the schism between you and your mother-in-law.

 

[Khalifa]

When someone pays off a bill for you, or gives you money to pay off a bill, it's not a gift, it's a loan. And if it's a loan, then it's expected that it will be paid back. If you give someone money as a gift, then it's not expected to be paid back. Also gifts aren't asked for, whereas a loan for cash would be. Otherwise how would you know unless you where asked in advance.

Yeah but that is what I said in my reply. I said if they paid it off but didn't ask to be paid back that is a gift. Much like this case paying the bill (or dinner) without asking to be paid back. So it's not really a lend if they don't want it back? So if it's not a lend and not a gift/present what is it? Also I think gifts can be asked for for example you ask your parents some money without stating if you would pay it back or not and they say just keep it don't worry about paying us back, wouldn't that be counted as a gift? Or if your wife/husband asked what you want for you're birthday and you tell them what you want, is that a gift? I classify it as one.

We do the same here when the kids are young. As they get older though it's hard to know what to buy. This year we gave my nephew cash because he wants a put a new sound system in his car and is saving towards it. Otherwise I would have bought him something. I hate giving cash really, it's a lazy gift with no thought behind it. Usually we end up giving a small gift and a gift card at their favourite store.

And I think that's the best way to go, it makes everyone happy.

I know it's your mother in law, and believe me I'm not trying to be rude, but she really doesn't have the right to tell you when to take your daughter out to dinner, not on Valentine's Day. I know some people don't care that much about it, but in our family we do because it's our anniversary as well.

I'm the type I would have called her back and thanked her, but also told her we would take the child out the following night, as we already had plans for the evening. If she wished to have the money back then she could have it.

This I agree with though. The stipulation on a night you already had plans for and that you's don't go out very often was harsh and really well done for following the guidelines of your mother in laws request, but I think Navi is right in which she doesn't have the right to say when to do it especially if plans were made that day. Something you guys were looking forward to is now on hold for another month , which sucks I bet.

So in summary what I'm trying to say I think you should've taken your family out with the money she gave you but I really don't think anyone has a say on when you do it. Hope the night turned out okay regardless of what happened.