MD90: Mister Alhazred vs. The Beard

[Viola Moonlight]

One of the craziest nights on Aftershock occurred on the 23rd episode, causing the Board of Directors to split up the four competitors in the Main Event tag match on different shows. Two of those are the Beard and Mister Alhazred who will be competing in one on one action as long as Alhazred doesn't call for a stand-in again. Whilst officials are contemplating whether to ban Facecrush McSpinesmasher or chocolate-frosted donuts with rainbow sprinkles for Aftershock 24, this match should stand as its booked and provide a very entertaining opening match.

Deadline is Tuesday, June 11th 2013, at 11:59 P.M. (Central Time Zone)​

 

[Theo Mays]

Dear Journal,

“Death wants more death, and its webs are full”

-Charles Bukowski

Death seems to be upon us good friend, that’s of course if I keep getting involved with this feud between Krypto and Alhazred and this power glove as I did the other delivering a cat (courtesy of Grizzly Bob) to Krypto. It’s a strange world. Anyways, the pain is still deep as that toss into the crowd from Facecrush did some serious damage. It hurts to walk and breath, but I will walk away and I will walk away strong. I can seek out revenge on Alhazred for the damage done and I have him right where I want him. He is weak and distraught as he still doesn’t have his pride and joy, the power glove. And if Facecrush were to show up, I have the ultimate plan. I will be delivering chocolate donuts with rainbow sprinkles to the fans in attendance. Facecrush will be at his weakest, just like Alhazred.

We see the Beard close his journal as he holds at his ribcage and leans back into in his office chair. The room, lightly lit, glistens in the background as Beard sips on a glass of iced water and takes a few Ibuprofen.

Hey Em.

Beard quietly calls out for his wife, but no answer. Beard has a slight look of concern before leaning back again in his chair.

Em.

Still nothing as Beard comes more concerned before clearing his throat in a last ditch attempt to reach his wife.

Emily!

This time Beard raises his voice as he holds at his ailing body and still no answer from his beloved wife. Beard becomes a bit frantic as the pain seems to slip away as he leaps from the chair and scurries up the stairs and flings open the bedroom door. Nothing. Beard guns around the corner to the bathroom and slowly opens the door, still nothing. One last room as Beard pushes open the door and still nothing. Beard is a worried stage as he bolts down the stairs before entering the kitchen to see a note pinned to the fridge that he reads aloud.

I didn’t want to disturb you, but I’m going to be spending the night with my parents. Don’t be alarmed, I’m not upset, my mom just wanted to do some shopping for the baby and us. I’ll be back in the morning. Just know that I miss that beautiful face of yours and dinner is in the fridge. It’s your favorite.

Feel better. With Love.

Em
Xoxo.

Beard wipes his forehead, as he has developed a sweat that has stained the collar of his shirt. Beard takes a few deep breaths before swinging open the refrigerator door as he nearly passes out in excitement. Inside the fridge is a dish of Emily’s homemade macaroni and cheese with a blend of six cheeses that could constipate anyone who dare eats it. Sitting next to the noodle cuisine was a steak marinated in a juicy mixture of Worcestershire sauce, honey barbecue, and a blend of herbs and spices that would make a professional chef envious. Beard flings the dish onto the counter and begins to make a plate and sets in the microwave. The big man begins to get anxious as he watches the time countdown. The microwave beeps and simultaneously Beard pulls the food out and as he turns he lets out a scream as all the food goes flying into the air as Beard stares into the eyes of a Bearded Woman.

Heaz-ow geaz-oes iteaz?

Beard is awestruck as he stares at this voluptuous woman with exquisite breast, beautiful skin, and a beard. Yes, a REAL beard.

Heaz-i meaz-y breaz-other, deaz-oes theaz-e ceaz-at geaz-ot yeaz-our teaz-ongue?

Apparently the ceazat (that’s cat for you non-carny speakers out there) does in fact have Beard’s tongue as he feints down into the fridge, mouth ajar, stunned.

Ceaz-areful, deaz-on’t neaz-eed theaz-ose injeaz-uries teaz-o geaz-et weaz-orse.

Who—who are you? And wh—why are you in my hou---house?

Meaz-y neaz-ame iseaz Claudia.

Claudia. Wait-

Beard is silenced as he believes he has solved some sort of mystery.

Yeaz-es theaz-at Claudia. Beaz-ut theaz-ey ceaz-all meaz-e The Beardette.

You, you’re my—my sister?

Yeazes.

Do you not speak English? My head hurts enough and then you come in with your jibberish and I’m beginning to think I belong in a looney bin.

Iteaz weaz-ill teaz-ake meaz-e awheaz-ile teaz-o feaz-orget Ciazarn.

Oh no. You, you’re one of “them”.

Claudia, or The Beardette nods her head as “them” is a Carny, and a Carny is what she is. Beard sits there banging his head against the fridge door before Beardette sits next to him and places her arm around him. Beard, a bit weirded out awkwardly pushes himself away.

Ceaz’mon breaz-other, I ameaz yeaz-our seaz-ister.

Beard looks up to the ceiling and flings his hands up, speaking to a higher power.

Why? WHY!?!? Why can’t things just be normal? Why is it always me, why can’t it happen to someone else? Like Dustin Hunter or Brent Blaze. Why must I get stuck with all the crazy ones? You’re killing me man, I just want normal. Instead I’m fighting a mad man with a sidekick who loves chocolate donuts with rainbow sprinkles, I’m teaming with an alien, and now I have a bearded sister. Just kill me, please.

Heaz-ey! Neaz-o neaz-egativity. Theaz-ius feaz-amily reaz-union weaz-ill beaz-e speaz-ecial.

How do I know that you aren’t some creation sent here by Alhazred to get into my head. Have you seen what he has done to Krypto? I mean he is pretty deranged. The guy is buddy buddy with a pickle for crying out loud. He is a madman and now you are here courtesy of him to stop me in my tracks, to make me weak, to make him gain some sort of edge. I can’t take this. I—I can’t.

Beard storms away and locks himself in his office as The Beardette follows by and slouches at Beard’s door, rubbing it, hoping that he lets her in. Crashes can be heard in the office as Beardette moves away and sits at the wall with tears dripping into her beard.

Jasper, Alhazred deaz-idn’t seaz-end meaz-e. I neaz-eed The Beard, I neaz-eed meaz-y breaz-other.

Dear Journal,

“She did not sing as we did, it was a different tune. Herself to her music as a bumble bee of June.”

-Emily Dickenson

My sister, whom I haven’t seen in over a decade, sits outside my office. Heartbroken, I’m sure. With all that I’ve been through I know I’m strong of mind and heart. Her, I don’t know. She follows in my footstep, beard and all. She has been a sideshow freak it seems and an escape from that dreaded reality she needs. And here I am, locked inside my office and I shun her away just like society has. Does that make me any better? Me, a character in my own right. A guy who fights with aliens over a power glove and a giant who craves Tim Horton’s chocolate donut with rainbow sprinkles. I live in a world full of characters, I am a sideshow freak. To take one of my own and throw them to the waste side makes me a hypocrite. On Meltdown I go into battle with a man who seeks nothing but the pleasure of his prized possession. A man at his weakness and I at my strongest, we go into battle and only one will prevail. Only one powerful source and it won’t be that of the power glove. It will be the power of The Beard.

Beard throws the journal aside as he slowly walks to his office door and unlocks the door and opens it up, accepting his sister into his life.

 

[red ass skull muhfukkah]

Alhazred is sitting on his couch in his underwear staring at his T.V.. His house is messier than ever, his beard and hair as well. His eyes are blood shot and filled with tears. The T.V. starts playing the movie E.T.

Alhazred: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

He quickly grabs his remote and changes the channel. This time the movie Alien is on.

Alhazred: I don't want to see anything to do with that damn alien!

He changes it again this time it's a show called Ancient Aliens. At first Alhazred goes to change the channel but as the man on T.V. with the 5 o clock shadow and crazy hair spews on about how everything we know comes from aliens, Alhazred can't stop watching. There's an all day marathon on and he watches the whole thing without blinking an eye going to the bathroom, or leaving his spot. When the marathon ends he stands up and looks around.

Alhazred: PIIIIIICCCCCCKLE!

Pickle comes out of nowhere onto Alhazred's shoulder.

Pickle: Howdy, Alhazred! How are ya? That was quite a mess our boy started on Aftershock wasn't it?

Alhazred: Yes it was. I commend you for having Facecrush replace me while I was...recovering. He was a worthy replacement and caused levels of fear and chaos that WZCW has never seen before. Unfortunately we failed our mission. The Power Glove is still wrapped around that green bag of puss's little nubby fingers. We succeeded in crushing Krypto's heart by crushing his best friend though. If it wasn't for those damn donuts, we would have the Power Glove, Krypto would be in a body bag, and Missy would have her arms around me. But no, that big moron can't control his hunger and has to maim half of the audience to get what he wants. Is Facecrush in his pod?

Pickle: Yes, sir.

Alhazred: Good, make sure we do something about that donut obsession while he's in there.

Pickle: You seem to be feeling better, sir. You're not in the shower or curled in a ball.

Alhazred: Oh that's where I want to be, believe me. I'm fighting every urge to run into that shower and snuggle up in the corner, crying at the top of my lungs. But there's business to be tended to. Justice that has to be served. Heads that need to be stomped in. Krypto has to die. Not just for me, not just for all he's done to me, but for the good of all mankind. He must be stopped.

Pickle: What do you mean?

Alhazred: I mean don't you see the signs Pickle? We've been so blind but I see the signs now. Krypto has been here all along, he and his alien friends want nothing more than to enslave the entire human race. They've affected everything in our history, from the Bible to wars to the Chicago Black Sox. Now one of their own has the Power Glove. My God, do you know the destruction that will be thrusted upon the earth if Krytpo is able to duplicate my Power Glove and distribute it among his alien friends? I have to stop him and save all of humanity. I need to finally break the grip his kind has had over humans for thousands of years. It's time someone does something about it, it's time for a hero to step through the flames and claim what's rightfully is. It's time for me to break every single bone in Krypto's body, get the Power Glove back than pound his body into mush as a message to the rest of his people that this is what happens when you mess with humanity. USA! USA! USA!

Pickle: What about the Beard?

Alhazred strokes his beard and smiles.

Alhazred: Yes, it is coming in very nicely isn't it? Although it's smell is beginning to get quite potent.

Pickle: No, I mean the Beard, your opponent on Meltdown?

Alhazred: Opponent? Am I medically cleared for combat yet?

Pickle: Why wouldn't you be?

Alhazred: Because I'm still under immense emotional and mental stress over losing my Power Glove. How can they expect me to fight when I'm in this condition?

Pickle: What was all that talk about crushing Krypto, then?

Alhazred: I didn't mean for me to stop him now, I meant eventually. When I'm ready.

Pickle: Well you better be ready on Meltdown, Beard is coming for your head after our friend tossed him into the stands.

Alhazred: Why would he want my head? I've never done anything to him, that was Facecrush.

Pickle: Yes but you're Facecrush's handler. He blames you in the end.

Alhazred: Well that's not fair. I've got nothing against him. Only Krypto.

Pickle: About that...

Alhazred: What?

Pickle: The Beard is Krypto's new best friend. They've been spotted being all buddy buddy around town the last two weeks. He's working with the aliens, Alhazred.

Alhazred's eyes widen and his mouth drops.

Alhazred: Invasion of the Body Snatchers! They've taken the form of humans! The Beard isn't just a big guy with a large beard, there's a little alien like Krypto inside of him and controlling him! He must be stopped! I'll rip off his beard with my bare hands and shove it down his throat! I bet the entry point into the body is hidden underneath the beard! I have to kill him!

Pickle: I've also heard Missy has tried flirting with him.

Alhazred: Missy?

A visceral cry comes out of Alhazred's mouth and he falls to the floor. He gets up and runs to the downstairs bathroom. The door to it is locked. He bangs and tries to take it down but gives up and runs upstairs to another bathroom. The door is locked as well and he screams. He runs downstairs and into his elevator. He goes to the bathroom on one of the lower levels but the door is locked as well. He crumbles to the floor in front of it and cries hysterically. Pickle pops out from behind his shoulder.

Pickle: I've locked all the bathroom doors, no more cold showers. It's time to face your problems head on and destroy them. Do you understand?

Alhazred continues to cry. Pickle slaps him. Alhazred perks up.

Pickle: Stop being a bitch. If you want your Power Glove back, if you want Missy back, if you want to beat the Beard, and if you want to demolish Krypto, then it's time you get to your feet, stand up straight, and get business done. Do you understand?

Alhazred wipes the tears from his eyes and nods. He gets to his feet, stands up straight and walks as the scene fades to blakc.