Signal Panic, Inc. presents
Action Saxton & Saboteur
in
"Sugar Rush!"
"
Mmn, mmn, mmn!" the Badass Brother,
Action Saxton, said, walking into the large kitchen in Saxton/Saboteur Tower. It is a bright Wednesday afternoon, with the sun shining, the birds singing, the sky blue, men and women arguing on the streets below, and Action Saxton himself fresh from a long shower that only involved punching two ninjas and dropkicking a third. "
What the hell smells so good?"
Saboteur adjusted his large chef's hat and "Kiss The Cook" apron and turned towards his partner-in-crime before responding.
"
These, my friend," he said, "
are how we're going to turn our non-title match into a tag title match."
Action Saxton kneeled down to look into the oven window. On the middle rack, baking to a golden-brown, was a pan of delicious and soft-looking muffins. He straightened up.
"
Muffins?" Action Saxton asked.
"
Not just muffins!" Saboteur replied. "
These muffins are especially delicious. I made them using a recipe passed down through generation after generation of the Thudley-Willops family."
"
Sucka, you never told me your full-name was Saboteur Thudley-Willops!" Saxton exclaimed.
"
That's because it isn't," Saboteur replied. "
I was lucky enough to capture the final remaining member of the Thudley-Willops family and extract this delicious muffin recipe from him. It took many hours of kicking and screaming, but in the end, I got my muffins."
The oven dinged loudly.
"
But enough of that mishmash. The muffins are done!"
Saboteur reached over and put large plaid oven mitts on his gloved hands before opening the oven door. Steam wafted out of it, filling the kitchen even more with the scent of delicious baked goods. Gingerly, Saboteur removed the pan from the oven and set it on the countertop.
"
Right," he said, removing his mitts. "
All we have to do is wait for these babies to cool down, and then we can use them to bribe whoever's in charge of WZCW right now and get them to turn our upcoming match against the Bearded Gentlemen into a tag team championship match."
Saxton nodded. "
Sounds like a plan to me, sucka."
"
That's good," Saboteur replied, "
because Plan A fell through when none of the local pet stores had a Gyarados for sale."
"
A what?"
But Saboteur doesn't respond. Action Saxton followed his gaze to the tray of muffins sitting and steaming on the countertop.
"
Damn..." he said, "
Those muffins sure look delicious."
"
Yep."
"
I thought I used the last of the sugar inventing my official Action Saxton Sugar-Powered Helicopter. Did you get Garrett to get some more?"
"
Nope. I found some in Jerry's office."
"
What the hell was sugar doing in Jerry's office?"
"
I don't know, but it was white, it was powdery, it was in a bag, and it was in his desk drawer, so there was no mistaking it. It was sugar."
The two friends stood in silence for several long moments, staring at the baked goods. The baked goods, to their credit, did nothing except look tasty.
"
We are sure them muffins are good enough to bribe WZCW's owners with, right?" Saxton asked.
"
I told you, I got the recipe from-"
"
I know that, sucka! I just want to be sure! This go go very bad, very quick."
Saboteur rested his chin in his hand. "
You have a point. I did make a lot of muffins, so we could try them out..."
Action Saxton licked his lips again. "
You're damn right we can. They ain't gonna miss two muffins, right?"
He reached out and grabbed a muffin. Saboteur did the same. After a nod, the two shoved the muffins into their mouths, crumbs falling from Saboteur's mask. Action Saxton groaned in pleasure.
"
Damn, sucka," he said, "
this has got to be the best damn muffin I have ever had in my life."
"
So soft, so warm," Saboteur sighed. "
I told you, the Thudley-Willops know how to make a muffin."
Their muffins finished, the two tag team partners look at each other once more. Then, simultaneously, they reach towards the pan...
Half an hour later, all that remained of the batch were a few crumbs and memories. Saboteur's gaze darted around the room erratically as Action Saxton tapped a foot in a rhythm that was getting faster and faster with each passing second. Finally, he let out a roar.
"
We don't need those damn muffins anyway!" he yelled. "
How the hell is the French sucka gonna take me on? The only thing French suckas do is run away!"
"
Y- Yeah!" Saboteur affirmed. "
And beards! What's a beard? Is he a wrestler or a bunch of hair? What if he's both, huh? Beards, what are they even good for?"
"
Never trust a sucka with a beard, that's what George Washington told me!" Action Saxton said. "
Socrates had a beard, and the only thing that sucka did was poison kids' minds and drink hemlock juice!"
He started to sob into his large hands.
"
Those poor kids..." he said. Saboteur walked over towards Action Saxton and awkwardly patted him on the back.
"
It must have been the beard," Saboteur replied. "
Don't worry, buddy, you worry about France. I have a plan on how to deal with beards."
He patted his katana. Action Saxton looked up, showing off his beautiful pearly-whites.
"
Sucka, I've decided that the best way to defeat France is to learn about France," he said. "
And the best way to learn about France is to learn about French cuisine. And the best way to learn about French cuisine is-"
"
Olive Garden?"
"
Ye- No, sucka!" Saxton barked. "
I know a place where some fine woman teaches kids how to cook in the French style. She lives a few streets down, and her name is Madame Croissant."
"
Madame Crusoe?" Saboteur asked.
"
Croissant." Saxton replied.
"
Madame Courageous?"
"
Croissant."
"
The Caped Crusader?"
"
Sucka, I don't wear a cape."
"
I don't wear a cape!"
"
Does Le Gentleman Masque wear a cape?"
"
What's a cape?"
"
I don't know!" Saxton roared. He ripped his t-shirt in half, his bulging muscles exposed to the open air. "
All I know, sucka, is that I got a date with Madame Croissant!"
He walked over to the kitchen window, flung it open, and jumped out of it, landing smoothly with his feet on the ground. Saboteur looked out at his partner sticking the landing, shrugged, and jumped out after him. He stumbled slightly as he landed. Action Saxton looked over at his friend in concern.
"
You okay, sucka?" he asked.
"
Oh yeah, nothing my healing factor can't handle," Saboteur replied.
"
Good." Action Saxton looked from one direction to the other, and then back at his partner. "
Madame Croissant's is to the right. And I hear the town center is having its annual Beardathon Convention For People With Beards. Sucka, it's go time."
Saboteur unsheathed his katanas. "
Death to all beards!"
He shot off in one direction, Saxton in the other. The Badass Brother's feet pounded against the asphalt as he runs past building after building, finally skidding to a halt in front of a large, fancy-looking building. The shirtless Saxton flexed, placed a hand on the door, and pulled it off its hinges as he walked inside.
Madame Croissant's Culinary Academy was a single room full of stoves, tables, knives, and other implements usually found in a kitchen. Students diligently worked day-in and day-out creating baguettes, escargot, French Onion Soup, French Fries, and other things that are French. Today, the dish of the day was souffle.
"
And now, students," the elderly Madame Croissant said, "
be sure to mix correctly the eggs-"
"
I could do with some eggs, if you know what I'm sayin', sucka!" came a loud voice from the back of the classroom. All the heads in the room turned towards the source of the voice. On top of a table stood Action Saxton, waving around a large wooden spoon. He hopped off the table and pointed it at the elderly woman. "
Sucka, teach me how to be French!"
The old lady crossed her arms disapprovingly. "
Sweetie, I can't just teach you how to be French. There is a certain je nais se quois that comes with it."
"
You're teachin' all these other suckas how to be French," Saxton replied, moving slowly towards the front of the class. "
Why the hell can't you teach me?"
Action Saxton flexed and stared at the old woman with bedroom eyes.
"
Are you scared you wouldn't be able to handle some one-on-one time with Action Saxton?"
"
Well, I never!" Madame Croissant gasped. "
Sugar, I-"
"
Give me some sugar!" Action Saxton exclaimed. He swept the old lady off of her feet and went in deep, giving her the type of passionate kiss only Action Saxton can give. The entire classroom gasped. One student dropped their souffle. Everyone stared.
----
Meanwhile, at the Beardathon Convention For People With Beards, Saboteur was on the hunt. Every which way he turned there were people with beards, but he knew that he had to find te biggest, the bushiest, the most bearded gentleman at the convention, and as luck would have it the seemed to be standing right in front of him. He sidled up to the individual, a middle-aged man with tanned skin, a shiny black jacket and white shirt, black turban, and a very large beard. It stretched to his chest, a mass of black and grey curly hairs that incorporated outrageously large sideburns and an equally curly moustache. There was no doubt about it, this man was the most bearded one of them all.
"
Hey there," Saboteur said to
the man, lovingly fingering his katana. "
That's a pretty nice beard."
"
Thank you," the man replied, nodding. "
It is truly a beard worthy of Charanjeet Singh, European Tech Support Champion and Beard King five years in a row!"
"
Five years, huh?" Saboteur said.
"
That is correct," Singh replied. "
My beard is in a powerful state, powerful enough to dwarf other beards. I use it to talk to women and they add me on their Facebook accounts."
Saboteur nodded. "
Yep," he said. "
That's a pretty great beard. It sure would be a shame if something were to..."
He unsheathed his katanas. Charanjeet Singh looked at them in horror.
"
...happen to it!"
"
No!" Singh squealed as Saboteur jumped on top of him and started hacking away at the man's beard. "
You cannot do this! I am Charanjeet Singh! I will inform the authorities!"
After several moments of wild hacking and slashing, Saboteur stood up. In one hand he held the man's beard high, the man himself sobbing on the ground.
"
Death to all beards!" Saboteur screamed. Suddenly, something caught his eye. He turned his head to see a large statue in the center of the convention, and his eyes grew wide.
It was not an ordinary statue. It was a statue of Sophocles, and it possessed the grandest beard Saboteur had ever seen. It took being poofy to a new level, its majestic curls radiating outwards from its stone face, each lovingly sculpted with as much attention to detail as possible. And as Saboteur looked at his katanas once more, he knew he had to destroy it.
With a scream, he charged forward, swinging his katanas wildly.
Sirens started blaring in the distance.
----
Action Saxton was furiously mixing ingredients in a large bowl, twice as fast as the other students. Madame Croissant, looking shaken and rustled but otherwise none the worse-for-wear, continued her instruction.
"
Be sure to mix the ingredients correctly, mon amis," she was saying. She demonstrated by mixing some ingredients herself.
"
Miss," a student said, raising his hand, "
I'm having trouble chopping."
"
I'm sure if you ask another student, they will be happy to help," Madame Croissant replied.
"
I'll do it!" Action Saxton piped up. He walked over to the student as Madame Croissant continued to speak. "
So, what the hell is your problem?"
In response, the student tried to cut his cucumber. The knife slipped from his fingers and buried itself, tip-first, into the cutting board.
"
Naw, that ain't how you chop," Saxton said. "
Fix your technique!"
The student tried again, this time causing the knife to do a backflip and clatter harmlessly next to the cucumber. Action Saxton grunted.
"
Sucka, you have to grip it and go horizontally!" he said.
"
I'm trying!" the student protested.
"
You ain't tryin' hard enough!" said Saxton as the knife narrowly missed impaling the student's foot. "
You gotta chop!"
The student tried again. The knife went shooting out of his hand, narrowly missing Action Saxton's afro as it buried itself in the wall.
"
Dammit, sucka!" Action Saxton roared. "
That ain't how you chop! This is how you chop!"
He reared back, and with a kung-fu scream, chopped the student's chest with a smack.
"
Ow!" the student exclaimed.
"
What's that? you still don't know how to chop?" Saxton reared back and chopped the student again. The class gasped. Madame Croissant ran over to the phone. Action Saxton chopped the student again and again, his kung-fu yells getting louder and louder.
"
Who else wants to learn how to chop?" Saxton asked, turning around to the students staring at him. "
How about you?"
He pointed at a rotund student, and started chopping him as well, his hands bouncing off of the fat rolls. Saxton's kung-fu yells drowned out the heavyset individual's protests as Saxton chopped again and again, the large person jiggling more and more.
"
Take this, sucka! Again! And again!"
Chop after chop, until-
"
Freeze!"
Men in blue with large caps, sunglasses, and thick moustaches came pouring through the door. The sirens outside blasted loudly, echoing through the culinary school. One cop ran up to Saxton, who was still chopping the fat kid.
"
You're under arrest!" said the cop, grabbing one of Action Saxton's hands.
"
What the hell for?" Saxton asked, finding it very hard to chop people when cuffed.
"
Disturbing the peace, scumbag!" the cop said. "
You're going down to the station, just like your little friend here!"
"
Friend?"
In response, the cop opened the back of his police cruiser. In the back seat, covered in stone dust and hair, was none other than Saboteur, bouncing up and down and waving wildly at his tag team partner.
"
Aw hell no!" was all Action Saxton had the time to say before he was kicked into the police cruiser, the door slamming shut behind him. With lights flashing and sirens blaring, the car roared down the street, taking our boys downtown.
