Saboteur stands by a metal toaster with a fork in his hand. He looks down at the toaster with immense concentration. He starts to move the fork closer and closer to the toaster, and it seems as if the masked man is intent on putting the fork into the toaster.
Saboteur: You know, I dont spend nearly enough time thinking about myself. Im more of a man of doing, a man of action! So doing this whole
keeping thoughts to myself bit is a little weird. But whatever, lets Mikey Stormrage this bit!
Its been a long time since my last win. How long has it been, I ask myself? Too long! Sure, I may have come closer to beating Showtime than just about anybody, but coming close isnt what this business is about. We wrestlers wants results, generally positive results, particularly wins.
Worst of all, the tag division is getting tougher with each passing week. The tag champs have finally reached the heights we all knew theyd hit; The Empire has finally sprouted some legs; the New Church gave birth to an even more powerful movement in The Sacrificial Altar; Barbosa and S.H.I.T., two powerful entities on their own, have joined forces!
I find Barbosa and S.H.I.T. especially troubling. I didnt like S.H.I.T. when I wrestled him at All Stars, I didnt like him when we had to work with him at All Stars 2, and I dont like him now! But at least I know what to expect from that shifty S.H.I.T., Barbosa is a total wild card. One minute he could be all friendly, and the next he has doom in his eyes.
But anybody that knows Saboteur knows that I always have a plan! Thats why this week I decided to buddy up with Barbosa. Yes, my match this week is with Justin Cooper, but nobody knows more about Justin Cooper and The Empire than Barbosa. Perhaps I can squeeze a few nuggets of wisdom from him before he goes crazy with the murderous scheming. It also wouldnt hurt to have a former World Champion as an ally.
So thats why I find myself at this Better Buy with Barbosa, and why I am about to put this fork into this toaster.
The fork is mere millimeters from touching chrome, but something stops him.
Saboteur: Are you sure its okay to put a fork in a toaster? Im pretty sure thats how the maid from The Brady Bunch died.
Barbosa answers with a raspy voice.
Barbosa: Yes, yes you must put the fork in the toaster. It is the only way we can be sure that it has the pieces necessary to upgrade S.H.I.T.
Saboteur shrugs and places the fork in the toaster. He is about to push down the lever when he stops again.
Saboteur: Im really not sure about this. I have that weird feeling in my gut that I get when Im about to do something that might kill me.
Barbosas raspy voice suddenly becomes much clearer.
Barbosa: Dont do it! Its dangerous! Make it stop, Sabby!
Saboteur: But you just told me to put it in here in the first place? How do I know this isnt one of your crazy schemes? Further more
did you just call me Sabby?
Stop that right now!
A
shop clerk is running towards Saboteur waving his arms like crazy, trying to prevent Saboteur from ruining the toaster, and possibly ending his own life.
Saboteur: Cheese and crackers, an assassin! Better do this and make like a pubescent teen and beat it!
Barbosa: *cough* Your sophomoric humor irritates us.
Saboteur uses his left hand to grab the fork and his right hand to push down the toaster lever. He is met with a quick shock and a small explosion that sends him flying backwards into a shelf full of blenders.
Shop Clerk: What are you nuts?! You could have killed yourself, or worse, broken several hundred dollars worth of equipment!
Saboteur slowly gets to his feet, his spandex slightly singed from the explosion.
Saboteur: What just happened? Did we get the upgrade chip for S.H.I.T.? Do I smell bacon?
Store Clerk: An upgrade chip for what now?
Barbosa: Were sorry Mr. Sir, we tried to stop Sabby, but he would not listen to us!
Saboteur: What?! You totally told me that the only way to get the upgrade chip for S.H.I.T. was to stick a fork in a toaster! You tricked me and tried to kill me!
Barbosa: But we are your friend, Sabby, why would we hurt you? We love you!
Saboteur: Love means never having to tell someone to stick a fork in a toaster, ya loon!
Store Clerk: Gentlemen, Im going to have to ask you to leave the store at once.
Saboteur and Barbosa make their way towards the sliding glass door separating the outside world from overpriced electronics and appliances.
Saboteur: See? Crazy Barbosa is up to his crazy plans again. How do I know this whole quest to upgrade S.H.I.T. isnt just some scheme to take me out of the equation? I bet Barbosa would like that; he knows Saxton and I are a serious threat to him and S.H.I.T., and he wants me out of the picture!
Ill keep playing along with his quest
for now. But once I get my hands on that upgrade chip, Ill be the one calling the shots!
Saboteur: So what do we do now? There isnt another electronics store in all of Wyoming!
Barbosa clears some flem out of his throat and spits on the ground.
Barbosa: That is okay, we have determined that the only way to find the real upgrade chip for S.H.I.T. is to go to the factory where he was created.
Saboteur: Isnt that all the way in England? How are we going to get there and back in time for our matches on Meltdown?
Barbosa: That is a
fabricated location to protect the truth, or something. The S.H.I.T. facility is, um
far too important to, er
divulge to just anybody, but luckily, we know the truth. The S.H.I.T. facility is somewhere near here; maybe in like an abandoned warehouse, factory, or
something. Pretty much any place we can be alone for miles and miles would do.
Saboteur: Ah, of course, so nobody can hear the sounds of heavy machinery!
Barbosa: Sure, or your screams, but that works too. Is there any place like that near here?
Saboteur: Well, I know theres an abandoned factory right outside of town, but Im pretty sure they just made snack food there. The only way to get there is by walking, though.
Barbosa: Sounds like it fits our needs perfectly. Lead the way.
Saboteur and Barbosa begin to walk towards the old snack factory.
Saboteur: Barbosa sure seems to know what hes doing, but I cant shake the feeling that hes trying to use me for some sort of evil scheme. Then again, I suppose Im trying to use him for some information on Justin Cooper. In fact, now would be a great time to ask him a few questions.
Saboteur: Say Barbosa, remember how you faced The Empire at All or Nothing a little while back?
Barbosa answers in a quiet and forlorn voice.
Barbosa: Yes.
Saboteur: Well, do you have any advice for beating Cooper? I have a match with him on Meltdown, and I wouldnt put it passed him to play a little dirty.
Barbosa: Have a plan.
Saboteur: A plan?
Barbosa: Yes. We always have a plan, and when we execute that plan, we always win. It is how we won the King for a Day contract, and it is how we turned that contract into a World Heavyweight Championship.
Saboteur: Well, what should my plan be?
Barbosa: Know his weaknesses and exploit them. Physically there are few men as tough and resistant to pain as Justin Cooper, but he is one of the most mentally weak in WZCW. He is brainwashed by his leader, Constantine, and his mind has become weakened as a result.
Saboteur: So
kick him in the head a bunch of times?
Barbosa: While that is a sound strategy to winning any match, this is not what we suggest. Justin Cooper is going to be expecting your usual bag of tricks: pele kicks, shinauris, bell claps and headbutts
If you use your regular moves, Justin Cooper will know how to defend himself against you. But if you start the match with moves Justin Cooper has never seen out of you
Saboteur: Ill take him by complete surprise!
Barbosa: And his weak, brainwashed mind will not be able to compensate. He will quickly grow frustrated, and he will grow reckless in his frustration. It is now that you can return to your familiar style and finish him off any way you see fit.
Saboteur: Thanks Barbosa. Hey, youre a pretty smart guy.
Barbosa: Well you know what they say, three heads are better than one.
Saboteur: I dont get it
but hey, do you want any advice on Masqué and Beard? I know youre facing The Bearded Gents this week, and I wouldnt mind returning the favor.
Barbosa stops in his tracks and hacks up a stinging cough.
Barbosa: You couldnt even beat them yourselves, how would you be able to help me?
Saboteur: Whoa! Harsh dude!
Saboteur: Well screw you, psycho!
Saboteur: Oh no! I said what I was thinking and thought what I wanted to say!
Barbosa: Well fine then, what have you to say about the fuzzy faced mammoth and his overly polite handler?
Saboteur: Who? You mean The Beard and Masqué? I love those guys! But I also hate them. Theyre good fellas, but they have my belts, and I want them back!
Barbosa clenches his fists and squeezes his eyes shut.
Barbosa: We dont care how you feel about them personally, you spandex wrapped bundle of birth defects! What are they like in the ring?
Saboteur: Dang, sick burn!
Saboteur: In the ring? Well, Beard may be the strongest guy in WZCW, and thats coming from Action Saxtons life tag team partner. He could probably pick me up, twirl me around like pizza dough, and toss me into the rafters if he wanted to. Whatever you do, dont let yourself get caught by him, because youll be in for pain otherwise.
Barbosa: Congratulations, you have taught us that the man that looks like he is large and strong is indeed large and strong. Any other valuable insight?
Saboteur: Well, Masqué is an interesting mix of style. His biggest asset is his quickness and precision. Everything he does is very calculated, and most of the time he is able to execute before you can even tell what hes planning. Oh, and hes very easily offended by being mean and stuff.
Barbosas ears perk up as he finally thinks he has found a piece of relevant information.
Barbosa: What do you mean by, how did you say it
Being mean and stuff?
Saboteur: I dont know, hes just so much of a gentleman that he finds ungentlemanly behavior to be infuriating. Like, if S.H.I.T. was to attack Beard while you were wrestling Gent, I bet you dollars to doughnuts that Gent would go rushing to his partners aid.
Barbosa: Excellent
and what if we were to spit in the face of an audience member?
Saboteur: Well, I suspect Gent would rush out of the ring to protect them.
Barbosa: Leaving him vulnerable on the floor. Yes, yes this is exactly what we were looking for!
Saboteur: Glad I can help, and just in the nick of time too. Were here!
Saboteur and Barbosa approach a dilapidated factory. The windows are boarded up, the concrete walls are crumbling, and the whole thing is covered in graffiti.
Saboteur walks up to one of the boarded up windows and uses one of his katanas to pry off the large plywood plank separating them from the old factory.
Saboteur: After you, sir.
Barbosa: No, you lead the way.
Saboteur: He keeps getting fishier and fishier.
Saboteur enters the abandoned factory and is followed by Barbosa. The factory is quite dark, but there is light pouring in from the holes in the ceiling. Broken down machines are scattered over the premises of the factory along with forgotten documents and empty snack wrappers. It appears nobody has actually been inside this building in years.
Saboteur: So where should I look for this upgrade chip? Would it be in a computer somewhere? Closed away in a desk drawer? What about a safe? Im not prepared to crack a safe, Garrett confiscated my safe cracking equipment after last weeks shenanigans. Then again, I think I have a stick of dynamite somewhere in my spandex, that could probably bust a safe open. Is the chip in a safe? I hope the chip is in a safe.
Saboteur stops talking after he realizes nobody is answering.
Saboteur: Where the heck did Barbosa go?
Saboteur: Barbosa? Barbosa are you still here? Did you get eaten by a factory monster? Barbosa?
There is no answer.
Saboteur: He must have gone to a different part of the factory to search for his own. That way, the search will go twice as fast. Good thinking!
Saboteur continues to walk around the abandoned factory, but has little luck finding any sort of upgrade chip. There are no computers, no desks with drawers, and there are especially no safes.
*Crunch*
Saboteur lifts his foot to find that he just stepped on a full bag of Snack Co. Potato Chips. He bends down to pick it up.
Saboteur: Hey Barbosa, I think I found
Saboteur turns around to see Barbosa standing above him with a heavy lead pipe raised above his head. Both men freeze for a moment before Saboteur breaks the awkward silence.
Saboteur: Um, what are you doing with that pipe?
Barbosa: There was a spider. We were going to kill it.
Saboteur: With a heavy metal pipe?
Barbosa:
It was a very big spider.
Saboteur stands up. He is suspicious,
Saboteur: That was suspicious.
but he decides to forget about the pipe incident and continue his quest.
Saboteur: I found a bag of chips on the floor. Do you think S.H.I.T.s upgrade chip could be inside?
Barbosa: Those are potato chips, you fool!
Saboteur: Are you sure S.H.I.T.s upgrade chip isnt made of potatoes? Ive seen batteries made out of potatoes, wouldnt the same concept work here?
Barbosa sighs and his voice becomes more pleasant, if not a bit erratic
Barbosa: Of course, Saboteur, you are so smart! There are so many chips in this bag that one of them must be Poos upgrade chip! Thank you for helping us! Let us go buy you some ice cream as a thank you.
Saboteur: Awesome! Hey Barbosa, want to hear a joke?
Barbosa: Sure!
Saboteur: What is Barbosas favorite type of ice cream? Banana split personality!
Barbosa doesnt laugh.
Saboteur: Get it? Because youve got like
three different dudes going on? Banana split. Split personality
Barbosa stands in silence for a few more moments, before erupting into howling laughter.
Barbosa: Oh we get it now! Banana split personality! Oh it has been ages since we have laughed like this!
Saboteur: Its hard to get a read on Barbosa, and Id rather not try to understand whats going on in his very complicated head. I know he thinks Im stupid, and I know hes trying to use me for his own selfish needs. But Im not as dumb as he thinks I am. I know lots of things, like how many martinis Hawkeye has had in the entire run of M*A*S*H, or that Barbosa is up to no good.
The most important thing I know, though, is that a war is coming in the tag team division. This place has gotten awfully crowded in a short time, and a battle for those titles between all of the teams is inevitable. It will be nice to have friends like Barbosa and S.H.I.T. on our side when that day comes, but it will be even better to know how to beat them.
