Signal Panic, Inc. Presents:
Action Saxton
In
”Yes We Can”
It is a beautiful day.
The birds are chirping. The sun is shining. A man and a woman are walking around the mall, the man cheerfully oblivious to the women’s disinterest in him. Children are out in the street, playing baseball and punching each other in the nose when not complaining about the heat and asking to go back inside so they can play Call of Duty. Cars rumble lazily along the road as the camera pans along the streets of Scott’s Bottom, Wyoming.
Slowly, we get to the town center, where a large throng of people are gathered, staring at a stage covered in red, white, and blue banners and streamers. A large oak podium stands at the front of the stage, itself covered in a large banner proclaiming loudly the words “The Choice Of The Badass”. And behind that podium is the one and only Action Saxton.
The crowd is full of men and women of the press, taking pictures and chattering loudly, but their voices die down as Action Saxton taps the microphone and clears his exceptionally manly throat.
“Listen up, suckas!” he says.
The suckas do indeed listen up. All of the faces in the crowd are turned in anticipation towards the man on the stage, waiting for his blockbuster announcement he promised on Twitter, as reported by Chris Cash of Wrestlezone.com.
Action Saxton continues.
“Now, I said recently that I would be making a very important announcement. This announcement is the kind of announcement that will shake the very foundations of WZCW. I’m talking about an announcement so big, it has to wear size XXL jackets. Smooth as hell jackets, though, even if they are big. I’m not one to comment on a man’s jacket size, as long as they look good. Of course, no man looks better in a smooth jacket than I do, not even this announcement. Action Saxton is a stylin’ sucka.”
The press start murmuring amongst themselves and shifting around. Action Saxton cannot hear what they are saying, but it is probably something about how badass Action Saxton’s jacket is, and how they wished they had a natural sense of style like the Badass Brother. He nods in approval before continuing.
“So, suckas of the press, get your pens and your papers ready. Action Saxton is about to blow some minds.”
The press members all eagerly hold their pens up.
“The announcement is…”
Action Saxton pauses briefly for dramatic effect before launching into his huge, game-changing announcement.
“…In a few weeks, before my match with that sucka Alex Bowen, I am going to make a massive announcement that will change the face of WZCW forever. Let me just tell you suckas that the whole company is about to get a lot more Action-packed.
Now can you dig that?”
There is a low rumbling of displeasure from the crowd. It’s doubtful that this is from Action Saxton’s announcement regarding his announcement, and more for the fact that it is noon and everyone is hungry. A timid female reporter raises her hand.
“Mr. Saxton?” she squeaks.
Action Saxton slowly turns her way. He gives her a sultry look. Impressively, she completely fails to rip her clothes off in a fit of passion.
“What is it, tiny mama?” asks Action Saxton.
“Well, I was just wondering – Why hold a press conference just to announce that you’re going to hold a press conference to announce your announcement?”
Action Saxton chuckles, his smooth and velvety voice calming everyone’s fears and anxieties as it does.
“Well you see, ma’am, I want this announcement to have the proper buildup. You see, some very interesting things happened in the world of WZCW, and I can’t have my announcement overshadowed by them. Action Saxton does not roll that way.”
“Speaking of WZCW, what do you have to say about your match with Baez this week?”
A slight look of anger flickers across Action Saxton’s face.
“That sucka Baez may be the man who carried the Mayhem Division on his back for a while, but he ain’t seen nothin’ yet. I am a man who will kick your ass five ways from Sunday, and –”
Suddenly, a high-pitched scream shatters Action Saxton’s speech that was on the way to being the 21st century equivalent of the Sermon on the Mount.
“Oh my good golly gracious goodness!” screams a man in a purple tracksuit. “A large person in a rhinoceros suit just rustled my jimmies!”
The reporter gasps. The other reporter gasps. Action Saxton gasps. He looks around quickly for the culprit, his eyes finally settling on the Rhino’s retreating form.
“Uh, quick!” he says into the microphone. “Everybody close your eyes!”
Everybody in the crowd does so. Little do they know that this is what gives Action Saxton the time to duck behind the podium and emerge as legendary superhero BLACK SPIDER-MAN!
The crowd, completely oblivious to the legendary superhero’s real identity, gazes in awe as Black Spider-Man leapfrogs tall buildings in pursuit of the Rhino-Suited Rapscallion. As he sails across rooftops and car-tops and Carrot Tops, a familiar tune begins to play.
”Black Spider-Man, Black Spider-Man,
He’s in no way a parody of Spider-Man.
He’s amazing, he’s the ace!
He punches criminals in the face!
Watch out!
Here comes Black Spider-Man!
He’s full of flash, he’s full of funk,
He’s turns tanks into junk.
He can rip a phonebook in two,
So imagine what he could do to you.
Look out!
Here comes Black Spider-Man!
In the day or night,
or whenever someone needs to get punched in the face
Black Spider-Man is there,
Punching people in the face!
If you’re named Baez, you’d best watch out, man.
He’ll turn your innards into flan!
He really hates people who are named Baez
It’s a weird quirk, he should probably seek therapy-z…
Look out!
Here comes Black Spider-Man!”
Bam! Pow! Boom! The Rampaging Rhino has been incarcerated. The day is saved, and the sun sets on Scott’s Bottom as the credits roll.
