Lemme tell ya a story about a friend I had.
He's one mean m'sucka and he's super bad!
He's been travelin' the world and teachin' students the biz,
'cause when it came to kung fu and wrestling, this dude was a whiz!
Now he's back, and badder than ever, so there ain't no relaxin'...
So sit back and take on the tale of Action Saxton.
____
Signal Panic, Inc. presents:
Action Saxton
in
"The Last Dance in Phoenix"
Static.
And then, a video.
It appeared to be playing on an old VHS, judging by the grainy picture quality and tracking lines, but that was odd considering the copyright in the corner read 2013. Still, play it did. Funky beats echoed over footage of misty mountains in China as a deep and incredibly manly voiceover spoke, its timbre soothing like a glass of lemon iced tea on a hot summer's day. At the bottom of the screen, Chinese subtitles scrolled by just fast enough to be almost legible.
"Have you ever wanted to be...bad?"
A young man in a ninja outfit walked onto the screen and stopped in front of a giant "BAD" in red letters. He was most definitely of the skinny persuasion, his black bodysuit hanging limply off of his arms. He took one look at the letters and stared back at the camera, nodding wildly.
"Have you ever wanted to be...big?"
The skinny ninja suddenly grew in size, false muscles inflating under his ninja suit. He flexed hard and karate-chopped the word BAD in half, shattering the screen to reveal footage from Action Saxton's famous three-time Blackademy award-winning film, Action Saxton in: Action Saxton vs. The Skeleton Skaters. The now-buff ninja looked suitably impressed.
"If the answer to these questions is a resounding 'yes', come on down to Master Saxton's Dojo of Kung Fu and Ninja Rehabilitation, formerly known as Master Chop Onion's Dojo of Kung Fu and Ninja Rehabilitation. We teach all students from all walks of life and train them in the art of combat. Soon you, too, can be trained by the legendary Action Saxton!"
A choir lazily floated onto the screen, superimposed on the footage. They sang "As seen in WZCW!" loudly as the same words twisted on screen and flashed rapidly before disintegrating. The choir floated off-screen to the left. It was very much the epitome of class, technical skill, and funk. Suddenly, a massive boot punched through the video footage, causing it to break into two uneven halves and go flying, revealing a parking lot. Action Saxton, dressed in a black-and-red gi and headband, put his foot down on the asphalt and struck a pose.
"Listen up, suckas!" he barked, "if y'all want to learn from the newest kung fu master in China, come on down to Master Saxton's Dojo of Kung Fu and Ninja Rehabilitation! Can you dig it?"
An address and phone number flew by as a fireball erupted from Saxton's furious fist. Call now!
____
"
That was our first ad, Marce," Action Saxton said with a smile. "
Me and Jones made it right after Kingdom Come."
The small office the Badass Brother stood in was a fusion of the styles of his mentor and his beloved apartment back home. The walls were bamboo, the windows wide and open to allow plenty of sunlight and a gorgeous view of the mountains above and the forests below. It was a bright and beautiful dawn. The floor was covered in a plush violet rug and a mahogany desk sat at the head of the room. On it was an embossed gold nameplate reading
Master Saxton. As interesting as the accolades and images covering the walls were, right now the most interesting things in the room were the three people watching the ancient CRT television in the corner - Action Saxton, his best friend
Marceline, and her wife more commonly known as B,
Bianca.
"
Man, after that," he continued, "
we had so many kids knocking down our door that we had to rent a whole 'nother mountain just to fit 'em all. That's when we changed the name to Master Saxton's School of Pro Wrestling & Kung Fu."
"
That's amazing, Sax," Marceline replied. She smiled. "
It's just nice to finally see this place in-person."
"
Honestly, I thought you were just makin' it all up," Bianca piped up.
"
Man, when the hell have I made up anythin' in my life?" Saxton responded, chuckling. "
Just because I ain't in movies no more don't mean I don't got a bunch of stories to tell."
Time, Marceline noted, had been kind to Action Saxton. His afro was as luxurious and well-kept as ever. His physique was still a chiseled product of rigorous training. He cut a commanding figure in his gi, standard uniform for those teaching at his school, and when he went to shuffle some paperwork she couldn't help but feel a twinge of affection for her childhood friend. Now that she saw him in what was now his home, she could tell that the only major difference between back then and now was how his brow seemed to furrow less, the wrinkles in his forehead almost completely gone. He looked calmer, content.
The two of them had seen each other periodically throughout the years. Saxton was always so busy, but he still made time to swing by her bar whenever he was in the area. The tower he and Saboteur had made was still standing, though no one had used it apart from Saxton himself for a long time, and even that was sparingly. The fact was that Saxton was a busy man who had places to be, and while she didn't begrudge him for it, it was nice to be reunited for more than a few hours at a time.
And hey, he had made it to the wedding, after all.
"
Y'all suckas know I'm goin' back to WZCW for a spell?" Saxton asked, suddenly looking up from his papers. Marceline nodded. "
Man, I'm gonna make sure I got stories to tell after I win the Lethal Lottery."
"
I look forward to them, Sax," Marceline replied. She smiled, but tried to stifle a yawn. Saxton chuckled again.
"
I forgot about the jetlag," he said. "
You can go back upstairs if you wanna get some rest, but those students should be comin' through my door any second now. Jones can take care of 'em, but-"
"
I was hopin' to meet 'em!" B piped up.
Saxton nodded. "
Well then, I guess I better keep you up the only way I know how."
He moved over to the wall and stared at an empty photo frame sandwiched between an image of himself and a red-haired youth and one of him holding a bright gold belt. He seemed to be saying something to himself under his breath as he looked at it, his eyes far away, but then he reached into the breast pocket of his gi and pulled out a pair of sunglasses. Behind his back, Marceline straightened up expectantly, her eyes gleaming and her face lighting up. B looked her and and to the back of the Badass Brother, arching an eyebrow. Then, the glasses were on, and when Action Saxton whirled around everything was right.
"
Listen up, suckas!" he said, his voice reverberating around the small office, his lip curling and his presence overwhelming. "
All I ever did was tell you about my time outside of the ring and all the goofy-ass adventures I got to with my boy, but now I'm gonna give you the skinny on what it's like to step foot inside the squared circle with Action Saxton."
He looked around impressively at his audience of two and continued.
"
Suckas, when I'm not here in my school bein' the best damn kung fu master this side of the sea, I'm travelin' the world twenty times over lookin' for any wrestling company that could have me. When I was in WZCW, they limited my outside appearances to things they approved of, but you all know nothin' like that ever stopped Action Saxton from doin' things the Saxton way and now I'm more free than ever to show up whenever, wherever I damn well please."
He adjusted his sunglasses and pointed at the photo of him holding up the gold championship in the middle of a ring.
"
I ever tell you about the time I beat sixty other suckas in order to win a company's top title?" he asked.
Marceline shook her head.
"
Well, when I first started this world tour of sucka-slappin' and heat-packin', I got shoved into a company's program they called Hot Prospects. It was for what they thought was talented rookies, and I wanted to start from the bottom and prove myself all over again. And hell, it turns out I was the most talented rookie of them all. So talented I won this program, cashed in my title shot, got put in a battle royal for a world title, and became the last top champ the company knew before it shuttered its doors. I had to fight trailer park hicks and knights who loved to fight. I had to fight goofy-ass suckas and high rollers, and I outlasted them all."
He was on a roll now, and Marceline was hanging onto his every word. B awaited his next story with bated breath as he turned to the next photo, one of him and the red-haired youth.
"
Y'all remember Stephen?" he asked. Marceline nodded, but B shook her head. "
Stephen was a good kid. When one company tapped me to serve as a mentor to their young talent because of my time as head of this school, he was the sucka assigned to me. This sucka had anger management issues out the wazoo, and one time he faced this crazy-ass sucka from Osaka who could turn into a demon king. Now you can't tell me that ain't the kinda stuff you'd see in Action Saxton vs. The Osakan Demon King 2."
Action Saxton pounded the desk at his own mention of his smash blockbuster that cleaned up at video rental stores nationwide.
"
And during my time as his pro, I got to take on a ghost from the past. My old rival from my days in Hot Prospects, Marshall Stax."
He pointed at an image of himself dressed to the nines in his best karate pants, standing over the prone form of a wild-looking man in jeans and flannel. Marceline nodded. "
I remember that one all too well."
Action Saxton grinned. "
Even though he got paid off by the elite to take me out, I turned the tables and managed to beat his ass one last time in one of the greatest matches of my life."
Smiling with nostalgia, Saxton turned to a poster hanging next to the window.
"
Did I ever tell you about the time I moved my ass down to Miami?" Saxton continued. The poster in question showed Saxton staring at a seven-foot-tall hairy mountain of a man. "
This big-ass sucka was threatening a former skater-turned-wrestler. You wanna talk mean, this sucka was as mean as they come. He was gonna grind that dude's head into the stuff they use to put bricks together. But I saw a sucka in trouble and I knew I couldn't let that fly. He reminded me of me, a dude from outside the wrestling world just trying to make it in. Some people don't take that too seriously, but I always do."
Saton stared at the poster again, his eyes traveling the length of it. His gaze stopped on the words underneath - the wrestling company's logo and a match announcement:
Action Jackson vs. Richard Fountain.
"
The thing is, suckas," Saxton continued, turning back to his company, "
I might have stepped away from the ring full-time, but that don't mean I don't answer the call worldwide. If there's one thing Action Saxton does not do, no matter what name you give him or what state or country you ask for him in, it's step away from the fight. Some suckas call me Action Saxton. Some suckas call me Action Jackson. Some suckas even call me Demetrius Smith. But no matter what you suckas call me, you better believe it's the same Badass Brother who is ready to throw down all over town whether you wearin' a smile or a frown."
He grinned, a confident grin that showed off his bright whites. Marceline and B were wide awake as he drew himself up for the finish.
"
Now you suckas are probably wonderin' to yourselves, 'why'? Why would Master Saxton, head of Master Saxton's School of Pro Wrestling & Kung Fu, embark on this world tour when he has a dojo to keep going and a legacy to uphold? And I say the answer is simple, suckas. Once upon a time I would say it was 'cuz nobody could stop me from doin' what I want, and because I wanted stories to tell back home, but now I say look at the thread of all these crazy stories I tell and tell me how they connect."
He moved towards the office door and threw it open. The dojo that was empty just this morning was now teeming with life, as students of every race, nationality, and gender stood in rows practicing their drills at the behest of a young teacher. The teacher waved at Saxton as he walked out in front of the class.
"
Sorry to interrupt you, Jones, but I got a few words," Saxton said. Jones nodded and moved off to the side as the students moved back into the neutral position. "
Good morning, suckas," he said, first in English, then in Spanish, and then in Chinese.
"
Good morning, Master Saxton," the students responded in turn. They all bowed to the kung fu king.
"
I want all of y'all to meet two of my best damn friends I ever had," he said to the close, indicating Marceline and B. The class turned to look at them and Marceline waved awkwardly. "
I was just tellin' them what I've been up to these past few years, and why I've been doin' whatever the hell I've wanted to do."
He smiled, his bushy moustache twitching. He held his beefy arms wide.
"
It's because of all of you," he said simply. Then he barked an order in Chinese, and every student jumped into a kung fu position.
Saxton broke rank and moved out onto the student body. He moved from student to student, correcting their form and talking to each of them in turn.
"
That's damn good, Sun Jing," he whispered in Chinese to a tall girl with long dark hair. She nodded, visibly relieved. "
I can tell you've been practicing like we talked about."
He moved to the next one.
"
You got a lot of style, Felipe," he said to a young man. "
But you need to know when to incorporate that style into your offense. Loosen the hell up, and you do you."
On and on he went to each of the twenty students inside his dojo as his friends watched. Finally he walked back up to the front of the class, their reflections dancing in his shades, and spoke once more.
"
Now, I'm headin' off on another trip, this time to my old stomping grounds," he said. "
I got some stops in Colorado and a stop in Nebraska before I get my ass on down to Phoenix. While I'm gone, Jones is in charge and y'all better listen to him! I don't wanna hear about no goofy-ass shenanigans while I'm gone. And your homework is to watch me win the Lethal Lottery! Can you dig it?"
The class all shouted in affirmation that they could indeed dig it, and began to run through drills again. Saxton pulled Jones aside.
"
Jimmy, you know what to do," he said.
And Jimmy "Kung Fu" Jones, Action Saxton's second-oldest friend, nodded and got back to work. With that, Saxton headed towards the outside of the dojo that had been his for almost three years already. He looked at the worn wood and bamboo entrance, the sign that hung in place of Master Chop Onion's old one, and the new Welcome mat he felt added a touch of homeiness and warmth, and his heart swelled.
"
This is why I do it, Marce," he said, his voice breaking like few had ever heard it break before. "
I do it for these kids who were like me, misunderstood and hopeless and just tryin' to make it and learn a little bit about fightin' and livin'. People in this country barely had anywhere to train to be wrestlers 'til I got put on the council. There's a whole generation of folks out there who need people like me to be their master. That's what my master wanted to teach me, and that's why I want to pass on to everyone else. If I can be a hero to just one kid the same way Master Chop Onion was a hero to me, that is enough."
He inhaled the misty morning air and turned back to his friends, and when he did his expression had hardened into one of deep determination and there was no quit in his voice.
"
And that, suckas, is why Action Saxton is back in the Lethal Lottery. I know y'all were watchin' when I did all the things I was privileged to do. I got to wrestle at Kingdom Come. I had title matches. I was one half of one of the few two-time tag team champions. I revolutionized the best damn industry in the world and now I get to see kids with the potential to do what I did but even better. And that, suckas, that is special. I've done a hell of a lot, but I ain't never headlined a Kingdom Come, I have never won a Lethal Lottery, and I ain't never won the WZCW World Heavyweight Championship. And if this ain't the perfect time to cross all those off my list, I don't know what is."
"
And I believe in you, Sax," Marceline replied. She wiped away a stray tear and B placed a hand on her shoulder. "
You go get 'em. We'll be watching, promise."
Saxton stared at his friends, and then his expression softened.
"
Aw, hell, Marce..." he said, "
you know it ain't so bad. Win or lose, I'll be out there representin' me and my crew right here. I'm a happy guy with a life I've been glad to have, and if I can take that last step and finish off this unfinished business, I'll do what it takes. Whether I'm there for one night or one year, I'm just cool being back in a WZCW ring. Can you dig it?"
Marceline laughed, a choked-up emotional noise, and tried to speak. "
I can- I can dig it."
Saxton took his glasses off and he turned to B. His intimidating aura, while never truly gone, was certainly warmer when he was like this.
"
I gotta walk to the airport," he said, "
but you take care of her and enjoy the honeymoon, you dig?"
Bianca nodded. "
Of course. It was nice meeting the famous Action Saxton up-close."
Her eyes shone playfully as a mischievous grin played across her features and the man of many names laughed. It was good-natured and honest and inviting. He walked back into the dojo and walked back out a minute later hefting a heavy suitcase over his shoulder. Then he made his way back up to Marceline, who at this point was heaving with emotion, and he dropped it to embrace her.
"
Take care of yourself, sucka," he murmured into her ear. She nodded wordlessly as she accepted his hug. "
I'll try and be there more often in the future."
And with that, the Badass Brother set off down the mountain path towards the foothills below.
Halfway down, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a wallet. He thumbed through it and pulled out a photo exactly the size of the empty frame in his office. It was faded and worn, its corners tattered from many years of being kept in the leather wallet that never left Saxton's side. On the photo itself written in marker was a date in early 2013, and in it, Action Saxton posed with a katana-wielding man in spandex and a tiny alien with a big head and even bigger eyes. Saxton and his partner had their tag team championships over their shoulders, looking as happy as they ever did in the days of the WZCW Mentorship Program, and Krypto flashed a peace sign at the camera. Action Saxton grinned as he turned the photo over and looked at the letters cut-and-pasted from a newspaper and glued to the back. It was like the world's friendliest ransom note, and Saxton knew it well.
Good luck in China.
-Saboteur.
____
So watch out, all you rookies and legends out there, all you hall-of-famers and blamers and shamers, because a baadasssss brother is coming to collect some dues...
