I'm not sure what's worse, the waiting or the waiting room. "You're next sir." becomes a cruel taunt to you. Recycled air, the smell of sleep and disinfectant. Your God is a two door elevator. Do they even cure you? Or is it just to humor us before we die?
"I'm a bit concerned Mr. Brown. You seem to be jumping back and forth between extreme feelings of anger and depression. That concerns me far more than your hand."
The voice of the doctor snapped me back to reality. He was placing the x-rays of my left hand onto the illuminated board on the wall. The back light slowly flickered to life, revealing a perfectly healthy hand. I glanced down at the stitches, reminding me however, that my hand was anything but healthy.
"No broken bones, no ligament or tendon damage, just the laceration. I have to ask what drove you to punch through a window?"
I took my time, my eyes roaming the white walls. The ticking of the second hand on the clock was almost hypnotic.
"Wish I knew." I responded, though it felt like I was answering not the doctor, but myself, as if I were questioning my own actions.
"So you don't know why you felt the need to put your hand through a window? Regardless, it does bring me back to my concern about your mental state. You seem to be plagued by violent mood swings lately. Is there anything going on in your personal life that is causing you extreme stress?"
I turned my head in the doctor's direction, cocking an eyebrow at him. He didn't strike me as a wrestling fan, but it still caught me by surprise. The last few months began to replay in my mind, all the emotions I felt came back at once.
Denial
James Howard was going nowhere. This couldn't be happening, not to me.
"It is happening, and Strikeforce is done."
It will be fine. I feel fine. He won't be out long, everything will work out. This isn't a problem. Strikeforce isn't over, we are just getting started. It probably isn't even a broken neck, James is going to be just fine. We are going to go to the bar in a day or two, get drunk and celebrate making history.
Anger
James Howard was gone. Who was to blame? Westhoff, Jacobs, Mystique. I would have revenge.
"You won't succeed. You are one man taking on three, the odds are insurmountable."
I would take them out one by one. Start from the bottom, work my way up. I would find out why they did it. I would make them pay. Nothing would stand in my way. Friend and foe alike would fall if it meant I could have my revenge. I hate those men for what they did to me.
Bargaining
I will give anything for James Howard to be back. I would give anything to be happy again.
"He isn't coming back. You were weak, you failed him. You have to live with your failure."
All I need is one more shot, I will do anything for it. Just give it to me and I can prove that I can get my revenge. I'll join The Sacrificial Altar if I lose, just give me a chance. You can fire me if I don't succeed, but just one more shot. Please!
Depression
I miss James Howard. I'm nothing without him. What is the point of even competing anymore.
"We was better than you. You held him back, and now you want to give up? Pathetic."
I failed him. I failed the fans. I failed myself. I can't keep this up. I'm sorry I couldn't stop them. I can't sleep, I have little appetite, this is all pointless. No one wants to be around me, I have alienated friends and family. I beat up my friend Ricky Runn, it only makes sense that Triple X will walk out on me. Why do I even try?
"Mr. Brown?"
The doctor's voice again snapped me back.
"I need to get out of here, I have some thinking I need to do."
As I began to stand, the doctor began to speak.
"Mr. Brown I'm concerned about your mental health. This isn't the first time you have had an incident in the last few months that has put you in here. Every time you come in you are either extremely aggressive or you seem distant. Have you gone through any major changes in your private life recently? The loss of someone close to you, a change at work, a major shift in your home life?"
"All of the above doc." Was all I muttered as I walked out, leaving him standing.
As I made my way through the parking lot, I glanced at the window on the driver's side of my car. The glass resembled a spider web. I opened the door carefully and climbed in. As I shut the door the glass began to spider web even more. Not wanting to take any chances I grabbed my jacket from the rear seat and wrapped it around my good hand. After turning on my radio, I began to slowly and easily punch out the glass. I wasn't making much progress, that is until an advert for the Lethal Lottery came on. Like most of the happenings in the company, I paid little attention until there was mention of The Sacrificial Altar. Once the stipulation of the match with Mystique was brought up, my interest piqued. My anger got the better of me and I finished the job with one swift blow. I had drawn the attention of a few bystanders, so instead of making a bigger scene I simply drove off. I knew what I needed to do to set my mind right. I drove to the airport and booked the first available flight to San Francisco.
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An elderly Native American man sat beside a dimly burning fire. As he sat, drawing figures in the dirt with his walking stick, a young Native American approached him. The boy, who appeared to be in his early twenties, took a seat next to the tribal elder.
The elder began to speak.
"A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."
The elder continued to draw in the dirt, the wind blowing the hanging feathers of his headdress.
"The other is good. He is joy, hope, peace, love, serenity, humility, kindness, truth, benevolence, empathy, generosity, compassion, and faith.
The elder stood and pointed his stick in the direction of the young brave.
"The same fight is going on inside of you, and every other person too."
As he began to walk away the young brave spoke.
"Which wolf will win?"
The elder stopped, turning his head to the side as the wind continued to blow his headdress.
"The one you feed."
The elder began to walk away before he disappeared into the woods.
The young brave walked to a nearby puddle and looked in, seeing his reflection, before the wind picked up, causing the puddle to ripple and change the reflection in the puddle to that of my own.
"This is your captain speaking, please fasten your seat belts as we are about to make our approach into San Francisco."
The voice of the plane's captain over the loud speaker caused me to open my eyes. I kept to myself the entire time I made my way through the airport. I had my earphones in, hoping any fans who recognized me would get the hint. I made my way to a cab and sat with my eyes closed until the driver pulled into the driveway of a familiar house. I paid my fare and looked the house over, my mind starting to feel at ease for the first time in months, really it was the first time it had felt at ease since I left this place.
I took a deep breath and opened the door, and was instantly greeted by the crying of a small child.
"Oliver." I said softly as I walked into the kitchen. The smell of fresh pancakes hung in the air as I could hear inaudible voices from another room. I took a plate from the cabinet and found the syrup in the fridge, but had no luck finding any of the pancakes.
"Mate what are you doing here, you should have called ahead."
I turned and saw the familiar face of James Howard. He had progressed a long way in six months, but was still in his neck brace. I smiled and walked over to hug him.
"Sorry man, I just had to get my head right, and this seemed like the best place to do it. With all of the shit going on lately, I was thinking that this would be the perfect time for you to return. Well I mean obviously not right now, but after the Lottery. You and me can reform the team and take our rightful place back atop the tag division. Strikeforce back to kicking ass."
I was much more excited than James, who had a grim look on his face. He began to speak, but Dinah came into the room holding Oliver.
"Mikey, we had no idea you were coming. It's great to see you!"
She and I hugged with her free hand, and I ruffled what little hair Oliver had. He gave a toothless smile and began laughing.
"I'm going to go put him down for a nap, I'm sure you guys have some talking to do with the pay per view coming up."
As Dinah exited the room, James again spoke.
"I'm not sure how to tell you this, but I'm not going to be back. I'm finished mate. I was lucky to walk away without permanent injury. I've got a family now. I have to think about them. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate you swearing vengeance for me, but I don't let it bother me anymore. I've found peace where I am. To be honest, the attack at Unscripted was a blessing in disguise. It made me get my priorities right. You are still welcome back anytime, you will always be my brother, but my career is over."
We stood in silence for what seemed like hours, but only a few seconds passed before James spoke again.
"Are you okay mate? You seem like you wanna say something."
"Yeah man, where are the pancakes? I smell pancakes, but I don't see pancakes."
"And it is that shit right there that makes me happy I'm not your partner anymore. You can't stay focused to save your life. It's no wonder Westhoff and Mystique keep getting the best of you!"
I looked at him and shook my head, walking out of the room and eventually walking out of the house in complete silence.
Acceptance
James Howard is done. I didn't fail him, I failed myself.
"You did fail him. You didn't avenge him, and he walked away from you."
"This is your captain speaking. Please fasten your seat belts as we make our descent into San Francisco."
I awoke from my dream. Déjà vu had set it, so I began to touch my arms, my seat, the stewardess, anything I could. I drew a few odd looks, convincing me that I was indeed awake. I struggled with a seat belt that barely fit around my girth. I sat back in my seat and prepared for landing. Shortly after we touched down, the voice of the captain came back on the loud speaker.
"This is your captain speaking, we want to thank you for flying United Airlines. The temperature is currently sixty one degrees with slightly overcast skies. We hope you enjoy your stay."
I called a cab and signed a few autographs to the few fans who had the courage to approach me despite me wearing the hood on my jacket up. They wished me luck in my match against Mystique before I climbed into my cab. I gave the cabbie the address and put my earphones in for the ride. As a few familiar locations came into view, my mind began to ease.
As the cabbie pulled into the familiar half circle driveway, I saw Dinah standing in the doorway. I paid my fare and walked to door, being greeted with a long overdue hug.
"It is good to see you, James is just inside. We just put Oliver down for a nap."
We walked inside, and there sat James, still clad in his neck brace. We exchanged smiles. I began to speak but James opened his mouth before me.
"Good to see you mate. You are welcome to stay as long as you like, it will be nice to have a housemate that isn't all crying and poop."
We exchange a laugh.
"I know you don't plan on being back for a few more months, if ever, but you still hitting up the gym?"
"Yeah man, just because I'm laid up doesn't mean I can get fat."
There is an awkward silence as James realizes his faux-pas.
"I just want you to realize you don't need to fight for me, you have to fight for yourself. Mystique has gotten in your head, you can't beat him if you don't get over it. I know you, you won't recover from having to join him. Even if you fight it tooth and nail, you won't make it. He damn near paralyzed me, don't let him destroy you too. Now get your ass in the gym so I can make you punch a cow."
I cocked a half smile at him as he began to walk to the all too familiar basement gym.
"Once we finish, I'll let you eat it."
He gave me a weak punch and again we shared a familiar laugh as we went down the stairs.
Acceptance
James Howard doesn't need me to fight for him. I have to fight for myself.
"He doesn't need you to fight for him because you aren't good enough to..."
No, I don't need to fight for him, because I've got to fight for myself. James is in a good place, he needs no revenge. The only one who needs revenge is myself. I know James can't be at my side, but he doesn't need to be. I can't lose again. If I have to tear a whole in the cage my bare hands, I will. Grand Mystique was finally in my grasp, and he was going to pay. Not for his sins against James Howard, but for his sins against me.