Lemme tell ya a story about a friend I had. He's one mean m'sucka and he's supr bad! He's a kung fu master with a tag team title, and for two years to WZCW that sucka was vital. Now it's comin' to the end, but there ain't no relaxin'!
So kick back and watch the tale of Action Saxton.
Signal Panic, Inc. presents
Action Saxton
in
"The End."
Beep. Beep. Beep. Bee- Crunch.
The shrill alarm clock whose clamor pierced the morning air was silenced by a swift karate chop that shattered its casing and sent its two halves rocketing off the bedside table and onto the ground below. The chop was delivered by a hand attached to an arm belonging to one half of the WZCW Tag Team Champions himself,
Action Saxton. Really, who else would it be? Only one man has the power and technique to chop an alarm clock at fifty yards away while his finely chiseled features are still pressed deep into high-class feather pillow.
The Badass Brother groggily sat up, brushing the excess plastic and dust from his hand. He flexed, his muscles thrown into high definition by the sunlight streaming through the window. Outside, a woman with binoculars fell out of his tree with a loud thump. Turning to the wall, Action Saxton stared at his calendar. When he saw what day it was, he smiled.
There, written and circled in red ink, were the words "KINGDOM COME".
"
Hell yeah, sucka," Saxton said to himself, reaching down and pulling on his kung-fu pants from their position on the floor. "
Today is the day my boy Saboteur and I whoop those old-ass goofy-ass suckas Rush and Smith and end my career on a high note."
Suddenly, our hero's smooth morning ritual was interrupted by the not-so-smooth sounds of a telephone ringing off the hook. Quick as a flash of his own finishing maneuver, Action Saxton jumped out of bed and grabbed the receiver.
"
Who the hell is calling at 7AM, sucka?" he barked. "
I got a big-ass match I need to get ready for!"
"
It's a travesty, Action Saxton!" came the voice of
Vance Bateman, general manger. "
You're still using a landline!"
"
Damn, you're right!" the Badass Brother swore. He hung up and reached inside his pocket and pulled out a large, white blocky cell phone. He dialed Vance Bateman's number and after several rings, the GM answered.
"
Is this any better, sucka?" Saxton asked.
"
You'd better bet your bumping booty it is!" Bateman said. "
Action Saxton, I have some very grave news. This news is so bad, if it were a wrestler it would make Armando Paradyse look competent!"
"
Spit it out, sucka!" Saxton said in alarm. "
Any news that bad has gotta be some bad news! And it ain't bad in the way Action Saxton is bad!"
"
No one is bad in the way you are bad, and that is why I need you to get your bad self down to the stadium so you can help me make this bad news less bad!" Bateman said.
"
I'm on my way, boss," Action Saxton said. "
I'm on my way."
He hung up, threw his phone out of the window, and pulled on his snazzy and stylin' purple suit. After checking his profile in the full-length mirror and adjusting his jacket, he swung out of the window conveniently opened by the cell phone and landed in the driver's seat of his vintage white 1960 Cadillac Coupe De Ville, ready to hit the road.
----------
"
What's the trouble, double bubble?" Action Saxton yelled as he kicked the front door of Vance Bateman's office open, sending pieces of dark oak richocheting off of the opposite wall. Bateman looked up from the scantily-clad woman reclining on his desk.
"
Saxton!" he said. "
You're just in time. I was just finishing up some paperwork."
The paperwork waved. Action Saxton gave her an appraising look and a smooth smile.
"
Anyway, back to my grave news," Bateman continued. "
After doing a thorough investigation of the WZCW Roster, it's come to my attention that the men you will be facing at Kingdom come, Rush and Sam Smith, are Rombuloids."
"
No!" Saxton gasped. "
It's a disaster! It's a natural disaster! It's a goddamn Sharknado! It's- What the hell are Rombuloids?"
"
I'm glad you asked," Bateman said. He turned towards the wall and pulled a diagram of a Rombuloid's basic anatomy from the ceiling. "
Saxton, Rombuloids are creatures from another dimension, and they are all united by their sheer hatred for the great country we call America."
Action Saxton nodded. "
It is unfortunate that we have two Rombuloids in our midst, sucka," he said. "
Do you have any details of their evil plan? I mean, I been seein' how those suckas operate and they gotta have the evillest of plans."
"
You better bet your bottom dollar," Vance said. "
These Rombuloids have cooked up the most evil plan yet! According to an ancient law written on the back of the Declaration of Independence, if two people sing a new national anthem at a sporting event attended by over five-thousand people, that new anthem will be officially recognized as the national anthem of the United States of America!"
Action Saxton's blood ran cold. His hands balled into fists, and his fists began to shake. He glared at Vance Bateman.
"
So you're tellin' me," he said, slowly, "
that these Rombuloid suckas Smith and Rush are going to sing a new national anthem at Kingdom Come?"
"
That's what it looks like," Bateman replied, solemnly.
"
And even if this new anthem is embarassing or evil, it's gonna by recognized as our official new anthem and be sung by all the kids in the country?"
Bateman nodded. Action Saxton grabbed him by his lapels and shook him violently.
"
Then by all that is good, right, and Action Saxton," he screamed in Bateman's face, manly tears pouring out of his eyes, "
I will defeat those suckas! They gonna pay for even thinking about harming the kids! I'm gonna kill them deader than Christian Slater's career!"
And with that, Saxton released the general manager and threw him on top of his paperwork, who moaned loudly. The muscular man of mojo turned on his heel and strode out, the paperwork's eyes on his retreating back the whole while.
"
There goes a man willing to do anything for his country," Bateman said, a single tear sliding down his wrinkled cheek.
Meanwhile, in the stadium, a large crowd had packed the stands. This crowd was made up of the short, the tall, the skinny, the fat, the men, the women, the black and the white, people of all types, from all walks of life, all different, yet all the same. They all looked at one another with excitement in their eyes and spoke with each other in anticipatory tones. You see, all of these people were here for one thing and one thing only: The biggest night in sports history, WZCW Kingdom Come.
"
Will everyone please rise for the presentation of our National Anthem?" the pretty host of Kingdom Come said from her position in the middle of the ring. Obediently, the audience rose to their feet. "
And now, here to play the national anthem and open the show, please welcome former WZCW Superstar, DK Wilto-"
"
Not so fast!"
The crowd gasped as a new voice interrupted the pretty woman. A dramatic chord blared throughout the scene as the hulking form of Rush and the not-really-that-hulking form of
Sam Smith dropped from the sky. Sam Smith tossed aside his microphone and snatched the one from the pretty host.
"
Hello, puny Earthlings!" Sam Smith said into his microphone, sneering. "
We, Sam Smith and Rush, are of the ancient alien race known as the Rombuloids, and we are here to introduce a new national anthem to you all in order to take over America, and the world!"
The crowd booed loudly. Sam Smith laughed.
"
Boo us all you want, puny humans!" he shrieked. "
We have learned that singing a new national anthem at an event broadcast live on national television and attended by an upwards of 5000 people will cause this to become your new official national anthem! For too long, wrestling, WZCW, and America have all been about entertainment. We are here to change that!"
The crowd booed even louder. Rush grunted and snarled.
"
believe us when we say that our new national anthem is humiliating, shameful, and degrading to men, women, and children," Smith continued, "
and you will all be forced to accept it! Once we have trampled your self-esteem, we will trample your country, and there is nothing you can do to stop us!"
"
You've got that wrong, sucka!" roared Action Saxton's voice. The crowd burst into applause as the Badass Brother himself came tearing down the ramp and slid under the bottom rope. He looked from Smith to Rush and back again, and raised a microphone to his lips. "
Suckas, if you want to take down America and ruin our fun, you gonna have to take down the Baddest Brother unlike any other, the slick-talkin', smooth-walkin', heat-packin', crack-a-lackin' Action Saxton! And let me tell you something, suckas," Action Saxton cocked an eyebrow. "
Any woman can attest, I sure as hell ain't goin' down."
The Rombuloid calling himself Sam Smith laughed, airily. "
That is all well and good, Saxton, but how can you hope to defeat us when there is one of you and two of us? After all, even a puny human being like yourself must know that two is greater than one!"
"
He's not alone!"
The crowd cheered even louder and looked around for the source of the voice. Suddenly, everyone saw it at once -
Saboteur was here, and he was using his katanas as a helicopter to fly to the ring!
"
No!" Sam Smith screeched. "
The Rombuloids will replace your national anthem with our own! We will destroy America!"
"
Sucka," Saxton said, "
you ain't destroyin' nothin' while we're around."
He turned to Saboteur, who had landed next to him. He nodded. Saboteur followed suit. A referee slid under the bottom rope and calledfor the bell.
The final battle had begun.
----------
The final battle had ended. Humanity had defeated the Rombuloids. The crowd cheered as Action Saxton and Saboteur's music blared over the PA system and the duo posed on opposite turnbuckles. Battered and bruised, Smith and Rush rolled around in the ring in agony. The WZCW Tag Team Champions turned to each other and met in the ring, shaking hands and embracing to even louder cheers.
As their music faded, the host of Kingdom Come entered the ring.
"
Ladies and gentlemen," she said, "
please rise for our national anthem."
The crowd rored as The Star Spangled Banner started to play. Fireworks, red, white, and blue exploded in the air in celebration. As the tag team champions saluted the large flag that had been hung from the ceiling, who should come striding down the ramp than the President of the United States himself, Barack Obama? Mr. President gingerly stepped into the ring and Saxton & Saboteur grabbed his legs and lifted him on their shoulders. The crowd erupted into chants of "USA!" as the president waved and bald eagles came soaring over the heads of the 90,000 gathered in the stadium. Apple pies were thrown to the audience, who chowed down immediately while voting against socialized healthcare and other benefits and shooting their firearms in the air. At the final notes of the song, Saxton and Saboteur threw President Obama into the air and caught him, gingerly setting him on his feet. Finally, Action Saxton grabbed a microphone.
"
Sucka," he said to Saboteur, "
it was an honor and a privilege teaming with your goofy ass."
"
Beep," Saboteur replied.
"
I can't think of a better way I would have wanted to go out, teaming with a man who is one of my best damn friends in the world and helping save America."
"
Beep."
Action Saxton squinted at his tag team partner. "
Sucka, are you feeling all right?"
"
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep."
"
Oh no!" Saxton gasped. "
The Rombuloids must have replaced my tag team partner with a bomb when I wasn't looking in order to take me out! Not on my watch, suckas!"
He dived towards Saboteur, who stood in one place, beeping louder and louder and louder...
----------
Beep. Beep. Beep. Bee- Crunch.
The shrill alarm clock whose clamor pierced the morning air was silenced by a swift karate chop that shattered its casing and sent its two halves rocketing off the bedside table and onto the ground below. The chop was delivered by a hand attached to an arm belonging to one half of the WZCW Tag Team Champions himself,
Action Saxton.
The Badass Brother groggily sat up, brushing the excess plastic and dust from his hand. He flexed, his muscles thrown into high definition by the sunlight streaming through the window. Turning to the wall, Action Saxton stared at his calendar. When he saw what day it was, he smiled.
There, written and circled in red ink, were the words "KINGDOM COME".
"
Hell yeah, sucka," he said. "
Time to lay the smackdown and go out on a high note."
His cell phone, an old Nokia model, started to ring. He picked it up from his bedside table and held it up to his face.
"
Hello and thank you for calling the Boss of the Bad and the coolest cat in town, Action Saxton," he said. "
What the hell can I do for you?"
At the sound of the voice on the other end, his chiseled features broke into a smile.
"
Marce!" he exclaimed. "
Sucka, am I glad to hear from you. You fly all right? Great. Yeah, I'm ready. You better believe I'm ready, sucka, I been ready ever since those suckas tried layin' their hands on me. I'm gonna go out their and whoop their asses six ways from Sunday and go out a champion."
He nodded, pulling on his kung fu pants.
"
Sucka, you know I'm glad you and B are gonna be in the crowd for my final match. You better believe I'm gonna put on a show that will make you and that goofy-ass sucka Saboteur proud. I am the man without fear and the man without peer, the sucka with the most and the toast of the coast, the often-imitated and never-duplicated ass-kicking machine Action Saxton, and-"
He listened for a while and smiled again, warmly.
"
I been waitin' a long time for this match. A lot of history in that ring and it's all gonna come out on the show. I ain't forgot what those suckas did at the Lottery and what they did all those weeks ago."
He pulled on a shirt and pressed the phone closer to his ear.
"
Yeah, sucka, it's the end. Been a hell of a ride but sometimes a man's gotta step back and kick ass in his own ways. Hey, I'll talk to you before the show. See you in the stands, Marce, and you have a good time."
He hung up and stared out of the window at the sun rising in the sky. It had been a long road to get where he was, but all journeys must come to an end. If Action Saxton had his way - and you know he always does - it'd be an end people would remember for years to come, an end truly worthy of Action Saxton.
So watch out you jive-talkin' suckas, you swindlers and cheaters, out to corrupt the children and take out the world. Watch out, you sneak attackers and under-the-table-dealers. Watch out, you uncool and unhappy clowns who don't know how to get down. Watch out, everyone who ever underestimated the Kung Fu King. Watch out, everyone who fights only for their own gain. Watch out, you panhandlers and sidetalkers, you thieves and robbers, you dishonest disasters and men without a clue.
Wherever there is justice to be done and suckas to be slapped, in the darkest days and in the blackest night, wherever he is needed, wherever he is wanted, and whenever there is wrong to fight - Watch your ass, because Action Saxton is always gonna be there to make things right.
Can you dig it?
