James Comey Testifies Before Congress

[enviousdominous]

Oh blah, Sen James Risch. Time to take a break.

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Feinstein: So you think you were fired based on your handling of the investigation into Russia?

James Comey: Yup, that's literally what I just said a few minutes ago.

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Rubio: Why didn't you mention to anyone that you felt that the President's request to stop investigating Michael Flynn was inappropriate?

James Comey: Uhhh, I dunno'.

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Wyden: What would have happened if you dropped the investigation into Michael Flynn?

James Comey: We would have dropped the investigation into Michael Flynn.

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Collins: Was President Trump under investigation under any circumstance at any time to include after your firing?

James Comey: Nope.

CNN: JAMES COMEY CALLED PRESIDENT TRUMP A LIAR THIRTY MINUTES AGO!

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Heinrich: Russians meddled in the US election. Why does President Trump suck?

James Comey:

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Heinrich: The memos that you wrote, did you write all nine of them in a way that was designed to prevent them from needing classification?

James Comey: I pretty much just wrote some shit down.

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Blunt: Why didn't you share the memos of your meetings with President Trump directly with the media?

James Comey: Because I'm trying to reduce the amount of time I spend around those assholes.

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen King: So you had a private dinner with President Trump?

James Comey: Sure did bro.

Sen King: Ummm, DETAILS!

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen King: What do you know about the VEB bank?

James Comey: It exists.

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Lankford: Can we have a copy of your memos?

James Comey: You could, possibly. Knock on wood.

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Lankford: Have you noticed an instance where the media screwed up and reported false information?

James Comey: I'm hard pressed to remember an instance where the media reported accurate information!

 

[enviousdominous]

James Comey: I told Ms. Lynch that our investigation was still open, and she told me to call it a matter. I asked why, and she headbutted me!

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Manchin: If there are tapes of your meetings with the President, do you hope that they get released?

James Comey: I hope they escape!

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Manchin: Do you think Hillary Clinton would have fired you if she was elected?

James Comey: Probably, try asking me if I give a fuck.

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Cotton/Harris: Can you share details of an ongoing investigation that could jeopardize it?

James Comey:......................... is this really happening?

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Harris: What did AG Sessions do when you told him that it was inappropriate for the President to ask him to leave the room?

James Comey: He didn't do anything.

Sen Harris: Did he do anything while he wasn't doing anything?

James Comey:

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Cornyn: Did your firing have any impact on the ability of the FBI to continue the investigation into Russia?

James Comey: Nah, I'm pretty useless.

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Cornyn: Are you aware that Ms. Lynch had been asked to appoint a special prosecutor into Ms. Clinton's use of email?

James Comey: Yup, there were quite a few Senators that had asked...

Sen Cornyn: AND I WAS ONE OF THEM! GOTCHA!

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen Cornyn: Do you think it's reasonable for President Trump to have wanted you to announce that he wasn't under investigation?

James Comey: Knowing that guy, he'd have probably committed a felony right after I said that.

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen McCain: Your reached a conclusion in the case of President Comey.

James Comey: WHOA THERE BUDDY!

 

[enviousdominous]

Sen McCain: Why didn't you ask President Trump what he meant by "We had that thing, you know" if you didn't know what he meant?

James Comey: I..... was afraid he was talking about sexual tension.

 

[enviousdominous]

Senator Burr is going to develop a hunch if he keeps leaning over like that.

 

[enviousdominous]

Whelp, that's that I suppose. I'm going to eat an entire pizza, watch NXT and then veg out to Skyrim.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

"Lordy, I hope there are tapes."

That's just a great line no matter what you believe.