I'll Be Watching TNA Again in 2012; Catch Me Up
- Thread starter Uncle Sam
- Start date
I've been turned off wrestling for a few weeks now. But the news of Impact being on London in a few weeks really got my interest.
Joe's Gonna Kill You
The Hunt is On
So what did you think?
Joe's Gonna Kill You
The Hunt is On
I will not do that
I laughed. Hard.
I enjoyed it. It was decent. I wasn't once excited, impressed, titillated or made to laugh, but that's normally the domain of good television rather than professional wrestling. It's a bitch, ain't it?
Fortunately for me, the opening segment has Sting, Roode, Storm, Bully Ray, Angle, Hardy and Abyss. That's like when you're trying to get back into nature documentaries and a lion, a shark, a crocodile, a boa constrictor, an orangutan, a tarantula and an eagle come out and cut a promo on one another. The things I learned from the opening promo:
Then some women had a fight in a pool. I want to say one of them was Gail Kim. One of them might have been Velvet Sky. Is Velvet Sky the one that won the title at Bound For Glory? But anyway, they fought in the pool and there were four of them. Well, originally three, but then the fourth dove into the pool to make the save. The fourth. Dove into the pool. To make the save.
"OK team, viewers are getting bored with our constant backstage attacks and beatdowns. We're going to start having beatdowns in pools."
Cut to Ric Flair yelling at Gunner so desperately that you'd think he was trying to infect him with intensity. If only that's how it worked, Ric. If only. Sting turns up and Flair starts behaving like an abused child in front of his favourite uncle. Sting puts him arm round his favourite nephew and tells him he's going to wait back here with him, while Gunner goes out to have his match. And don't tell your parents.
Eric Young rocks up and the best promo of the night just falls out of his mouth. I lied when I said the show didn't make laugh. Well, it was a half-truth. I smirked when EY tried to explain that he and ODB hadn't be eliminated from the Wild Card tournament, that "they're doing a double elimination round robin tournament, or something like that, I'm pretty sure." There was also a pretty good line about the recession in there. I like Eric Young, OK?
We get a Hardy/Roode video package, wherein Hardy explains that not only does he believe in second chances, but fifteenth chances. And hey, that meth's looking pretty tantalising, so make it sixteenth chances and I'll be back in a minute. Then Eric Young locked the pool women in some lockers. I think there was actually a women's match back there somewhere that I missed. I'll summarise it thusly; women wrestled. Good - that's covered. Later on, EY interrupted ODB taking pictures of D-Man and they fell in love all over again. EY and ODB, I mean. D-Man wandered off at some point.
Next up, Rob Van Dam versus Gunner. When Mr. Intensity comes out, children cry, men turn feral and women tuck raincoats between their legs. I'd heard rumours that Van Dam had become fat. Seems pretty similar to me. They have a decent enough match, it ends in DQ or something and something something something. I think they're going to wrestle again at Genesis. I don't know.
We move along to the entire X Division - all four of them - having a tag team match. Jesse Sorensen and Zema Ion taking on Austin Aries and my late abusive alcoholic father. Sorry, I mean Kid Kash; I confuse the two sometimes. They have a good match. How good, you ask? Pretty good. Sorsensen is more impressive than I expected him to be. After this pretty good match, Mr. Five Star Match has a lot to live up to.
AJ collects Kaz from backstage. Turns out that Christopher Daniels was in the same room as the ashamed looking Kaz, and has a face that only a freshly sucked cock can give a man. We know that Kaz is going to betray AJ at this point. We just know it. The next match - AJ Styles & Kazarian versus Samoa Joe and Matt Morgan for a tag title shot at Genesis - is therefore, by TNA logic, the most unpredictable match of the year. Mr. Skinny, Samoa Joe, and Mr. American, Magnus, then pull off the surprise victory of the year after Christopher Daniels comes out and Kaz betrays AJ by walking out. I hope Kaz and Daniels finally form that Kookie Kutter Kruiserweights tag team I thought up.
Matt Morgan and Crimson, with the belts, start to cut a promo backstage. Morgan talks about how he wished he didn't have the voice of an effeminate John Laurinaitis. Joe and Magnus rock up and talk trash but D' Lo Brown turns up to break it up, complete with patented headshake.
The main event is on the way but then, out of nowhere, it's announced that it's going be a Poolside Brawl match. Hardy runs out in water wings, and Abyss runs out with a rubber ring around his waist. James Storm runs out with a noose and a brain full of prejudice. Angle runs out with a boogie board, and Ray runs out in a figure-hugging singlet. Roode runs out, jumps into a shark cage, lowers it into the pool and slowly drowns because he forgot to bring any breathing apparatus. A vicious fight ensues, complete with cannon balls, backstrokes and, most dangerous of all, aggressive towel snapping. The match is thrown out after Bully Ray runs by the edge of pool. #HEEL
Fortunately for me, the opening segment has Sting, Roode, Storm, Bully Ray, Angle, Hardy and Abyss. That's like when you're trying to get back into nature documentaries and a lion, a shark, a crocodile, a boa constrictor, an orangutan, a tarantula and an eagle come out and cut a promo on one another. The things I learned from the opening promo:
- "Creatures" is up there with "assholes" and "universe" as dopey names for fans. Makes it sound like you just crawled out of a sewer. When I become a wrestler, I'll call my fans gaping anuses. In tribute to Milenko, duh.
- Sting doesn't know how to use the word "literally." Literally this and literally that. He literally lost his life once, apparently. The eighties was a hell of a decade. He literally doesn't know how to use the word "literally."
- James Storm is so southern. I knew he was southern, but Jesus H. Christ. The Earth was created 6,000 years ago, and the first five things created were Adam, Eve, moonshine, banjos and lynchings.
- There's going to be tag team match between Roode, Angle and Ray, and Hardy, Storm and Abyss later tonight. Playah.
Then some women had a fight in a pool. I want to say one of them was Gail Kim. One of them might have been Velvet Sky. Is Velvet Sky the one that won the title at Bound For Glory? But anyway, they fought in the pool and there were four of them. Well, originally three, but then the fourth dove into the pool to make the save. The fourth. Dove into the pool. To make the save.
"OK team, viewers are getting bored with our constant backstage attacks and beatdowns. We're going to start having beatdowns in pools."
Cut to Ric Flair yelling at Gunner so desperately that you'd think he was trying to infect him with intensity. If only that's how it worked, Ric. If only. Sting turns up and Flair starts behaving like an abused child in front of his favourite uncle. Sting puts him arm round his favourite nephew and tells him he's going to wait back here with him, while Gunner goes out to have his match. And don't tell your parents.
Eric Young rocks up and the best promo of the night just falls out of his mouth. I lied when I said the show didn't make laugh. Well, it was a half-truth. I smirked when EY tried to explain that he and ODB hadn't be eliminated from the Wild Card tournament, that "they're doing a double elimination round robin tournament, or something like that, I'm pretty sure." There was also a pretty good line about the recession in there. I like Eric Young, OK?
We get a Hardy/Roode video package, wherein Hardy explains that not only does he believe in second chances, but fifteenth chances. And hey, that meth's looking pretty tantalising, so make it sixteenth chances and I'll be back in a minute. Then Eric Young locked the pool women in some lockers. I think there was actually a women's match back there somewhere that I missed. I'll summarise it thusly; women wrestled. Good - that's covered. Later on, EY interrupted ODB taking pictures of D-Man and they fell in love all over again. EY and ODB, I mean. D-Man wandered off at some point.
Next up, Rob Van Dam versus Gunner. When Mr. Intensity comes out, children cry, men turn feral and women tuck raincoats between their legs. I'd heard rumours that Van Dam had become fat. Seems pretty similar to me. They have a decent enough match, it ends in DQ or something and something something something. I think they're going to wrestle again at Genesis. I don't know.
We move along to the entire X Division - all four of them - having a tag team match. Jesse Sorensen and Zema Ion taking on Austin Aries and my late abusive alcoholic father. Sorry, I mean Kid Kash; I confuse the two sometimes. They have a good match. How good, you ask? Pretty good. Sorsensen is more impressive than I expected him to be. After this pretty good match, Mr. Five Star Match has a lot to live up to.
AJ collects Kaz from backstage. Turns out that Christopher Daniels was in the same room as the ashamed looking Kaz, and has a face that only a freshly sucked cock can give a man. We know that Kaz is going to betray AJ at this point. We just know it. The next match - AJ Styles & Kazarian versus Samoa Joe and Matt Morgan for a tag title shot at Genesis - is therefore, by TNA logic, the most unpredictable match of the year. Mr. Skinny, Samoa Joe, and Mr. American, Magnus, then pull off the surprise victory of the year after Christopher Daniels comes out and Kaz betrays AJ by walking out. I hope Kaz and Daniels finally form that Kookie Kutter Kruiserweights tag team I thought up.
Matt Morgan and Crimson, with the belts, start to cut a promo backstage. Morgan talks about how he wished he didn't have the voice of an effeminate John Laurinaitis. Joe and Magnus rock up and talk trash but D' Lo Brown turns up to break it up, complete with patented headshake.
The main event is on the way but then, out of nowhere, it's announced that it's going be a Poolside Brawl match. Hardy runs out in water wings, and Abyss runs out with a rubber ring around his waist. James Storm runs out with a noose and a brain full of prejudice. Angle runs out with a boogie board, and Ray runs out in a figure-hugging singlet. Roode runs out, jumps into a shark cage, lowers it into the pool and slowly drowns because he forgot to bring any breathing apparatus. A vicious fight ensues, complete with cannon balls, backstrokes and, most dangerous of all, aggressive towel snapping. The match is thrown out after Bully Ray runs by the edge of pool. #HEEL
Pay Per Ghost
What they f*ck happened in the thread section here
Well that was better than the show and I haven't even seen it.
Pay Per Ghost
What they f*ck happened in the thread section here
No no, you nailed him.
Mr. Artistic guy
Better Off This Way
I think if you wrote one of these weekly you'd make more people want to watch TNA.
Pay Per Ghost
What they f*ck happened in the thread section here
I expect a bigoted review.
Pay Per Ghost
What they f*ck happened in the thread section here
Its like a nurse saying she's a doctor
Unsold Bacon
Shucky Ducky Quack Quack
Are MCMG still around?
Pay Per Ghost
What they f*ck happened in the thread section here
Chris Sabin is my hero.
Shelley is injured too I believe.
MrHashasheen
Enjoying Wrestling
Actually Shelley also got injured during or after his mini-fued with Ares. I think he's making his return on recent house shows though, so who knows?
