I went to a club on Monday night

[Uncle Sam]

I just realised I have nothing of worth to share. That in mind, here's a series of facts about what happened on Monday night:

• It was a Monday.
• The theme of the night, apparently, was the number 90. Cue nighties music - most of it obscure for some reason - and 90p drinks. Classy joint.
• During 2Pac's 'Changes' (I've always preferred David Bowie's version personally) I stood up and did the Randy Orton pose.
• One of my friends lived in Saudi Arabia during the 90s and so didn't recognise much of the music. Let me rephrase that; one of my friends lived in the 80s during the 90s and so didn't recognise much of the music.
• I didn't get served for fifteen minutes because some bald bellend barman was too busy chatting up white women. White supremacist, natch.
• The music was too loud. How am I meant to have a conversation? Honestly.
• A homosexual gentleman, who just so happens to be a friend of a friend, told me I had a nice body and should show it off more. Nice chap.
• Me and my friend, the one who'd lived in Saudi, got bored/hungry and went to get some fried chicken. Apparently, according to the gentleman behind the counter, we could have a Meal 3 and a Meal 4; nothing else. Beggars can't be choosers. Well, except I chose Meal 3 and my friend got lumped with Meal 4. What a dick I am.
• We went back to his place and played Metal Gear Solid for an hour or so before his girlfriend arrived back and he went upstairs to have sexual intercourse with her. I presume.
• The homosexual gentleman arrived soon after and we watched Big Daddy together. Game, set, match.

Questions?

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Did the homosexual gentlemen and yourself enjoy Big Daddy?

 

[Uncle Sam]

Gay people apparently don't find the gay lawyer characters funny. Straight people apparently don't find Adam Sandler funny. You can see the problem.

 

[Super Hans]

Is mondays maybe gay night in your area? And did you give the homosexual gentleman your big daddy. (no homo)

 

[Uncle Sam]

No, but he regaled me with tales about how, if a conversation with a fellow homosexual wasn't going well, he'd just take his cock out and see what happened. Mixed results, apparently.

And it wasn't my area - it was Palmers Green. Where glamour lives.

 

[The Dewbliners]

How was the chicken?

 

[Uncle Sam]

The first two pieces were good but the third, as is often the case, was much too chewy. The chips were of a surprisingly reasonable quality.

 

[Pepe Silvia]

Thiwty packets of ketchup!

 

[Brilliant Human Being]

Are you likely to watch another Adam Sandler film with said homosexual gentleman? Perhaps I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry?

 

[Nate DaMac]

Did they play any music you liked?

 

[Uncle Sam]

No. He was a nice enough guy but only in small doses, and while a bit pissed. I might be persuaded to watch Happy Gilmore or Funny People with him, however.

 

[Uncle Sam]

Did they play any music you liked?

Despite this being the pinnacle of 90s music, there were no wrestling themes. I did leave early though, so they could have played them after I left.

What's that "I Believe I Can Fly" song called? I Believe I Can Fly? I didn't like it, but it's one of the only ones I can remember.

 

[The Dewbliners]

Unrelated to Monday night, but could you teach me to sound like a well-read. classy guy like yourself?

 

[Super Hans]

No, but he regaled me with tales about how, if a conversation with a fellow homosexual wasn't going well, he'd just take his cock out and see what happened. Mixed results, apparently.

And it wasn't my area - it was Palmers Green. Where glamour lives.

I'll need to try this with my date at the weekend, she is not a homosexual man but i am 99% sure she is into the same organs as your new acquantince, does he have any tips on what to say or do to the waiter or barman when he asks me why ive whipped by dick out and started doing the helicopter with it? If he is a homosexual then i assume my chances of getting thrown out of the establishment are 50/50.

 

[Uncle Sam]

Unrelated to Monday night, but could you teach me to sound like a well-read. classy guy like yourself?

That right there is the problem. You need to use commas, commas, commas. Commas everywhere. And full stops. But mostly commas. Careful not to use too many though, or you're into Justinsayne territory. It's a fine line, you know?

I'll need to try this with my date at the weekend, she is not a homosexual man but i am 99% sure she is into the same organs as your new acquantince, does he have any tips on what to say or do to the waiter or barman when he asks me why ive whipped by dick out and started doing the helicopter with it? If he is a homosexual then i assume my chances of getting thrown out of the establishment are 50/50.

The naked man works two out of three times, he says. That's about all I have on that. I gave him a courtesy laugh, but I watch How I Met Your Mother too. Ashamedly.

 

[Tastycles]

Palmers Green, eh? You probably went past my old house to get there. That would be more exciting if you hadn't been to my current house.

 

[Uncle Sam]

I don't know about that, I'm pretty excited.

 

[Tastycles]

I'm moving at the weekend. In my new house, there will be more than three seats.

 

[Uncle Sam]

Know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking Madcap can come this time.

 

[Mr. Artistic guy]

As Monday nights go, that sounds riveting.

 

[Tastycles]

He can. Randy Savage has really thrown a spanner in the works of "dead or not".

 

[Uncle Sam]

Have you been doing dry runs?

 

[Uncle Sam]

As Monday nights go, that sounds riveting.

Better than Raw.

What happened on Raw?

 

[Tastycles]

Have you been doing dry runs?

No. I have half a bottle of Sainsbury's basics rum that needs to go before I move out. This could be an interesting way to achieve that...

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

On this subject, it appears a friend of mine wishes to go clubbing for her birthday and I'm invited. Any tips?