Sean Valjean
Lets Bitch About This Thing We Love
There are games that we anticipate that end up delivering far past their expectations. And then there are those games fall flat on their face and become both a waste of money and your time. We’ve all experienced the burn of a less-than-stellar game that you thought would be awesome. Here’s a look at some games that disappointed me so much they caused me to question the very concept of a God and I’d like you to share your personal tales of gaming heartbreak as well. Let's cry on each other's shoulders, shall we?
I love Batman, especially as a kid. Anything based on the caped crusader could do no wrong in my eyes. That’s probably why I enjoyed another disappointment in Batman Forever. After seeing that movie I just had to get the game. A friend of mine let me borrow his cartridge so I didn’t have to beg my parents to buy me one. Good thing too, as they likely would’ve spanked me and probably my Genesis too for making them spend their money on such a colossal piece of doo doo.
The game looks promising a first glance. It’s dark and captures the atmosphere of the movie. The Mortal Kombat-style digitized actors were a treat as I felt like I was playing the movie. Another element borrowed from MK was the combat. Batman fought and controlled exactly like a character in that series. He could do the upper cut, do a series of high punches, and do roundhouse kicks, the whole schemer. Makes sense as they borrowed the MK engine to make this game, which is just unfit for a side-scrolling adventure game. Attacks aren’t quick enough, you can’t run and you have to stay still in order to attack at all. There were times when you were swamped with enemies but since the MK fighting style wasn’t made for taking on multiple foes at once, Batman would get his bat-ass royally handed to him.
Another problem was odd button layout. Commands were mapped to tedious button combinations so it was always a process to do perform even the simplest of task. I vividly remember being stuck very early on because of making it to a room whose only exit was a hole in the ceiling. It was too high to jump through, so you had to use your grappling hook. Thing was, none of the buttons worked. I hit every obvious button but got no grappling hook. It was only after a few days of just giving up and starting again that I hit the Select button by accident and the grappling hook worked. Huh? Why would you map something as important as that to the Select button? Who would think to push that for anything other than a menu or map?
Despite its sucktitude, I actually got pretty far in this game before giving it back to my friend. That had to do with persistence and denial, since my love of Batman wouldn’t allow me to acknowledge this game as the hot garbage that it was. I didn’t know it at the time, but this game would only serve as a precursor to my next let down.
Let it be known that I am a massive Mortal Kombat fan and the peak of my fandom was in the mid 90’s, when this little gem was announced. A Mortal Kombat adventure game starring one of my favorite characters sounded like absolute gold to me and I couldn’t wait to play it. However, when it released I didn’t have the funds to purchase it but luckily (and I mean that both ways) a buddy of mine was able to pick it up. Bursting with excitement, I eagerly went to his house to experience what would be one of the biggest disappointments in my gaming life.
The controls in this game were atrocious. Everything felt stiff and awkward. As with the case in Batman Forever, the MK Engine does not work in side-scrollers. Enemies would just rush on screen and immediately greet you with a swift kick to the face. We died so many times because we’d get sandwiched by opponents and weren’t able to turn around to face anyone coming from the back. Turns out you have to hit a button just to turn around. Apparently Sub-Zero is the least nimble ninja in history as his stiffness resulted in some of the most god-awful platforming I’ve ever experienced. Boss fights were traditional one-on-one battles but were somehow worse than they’d be in a proper MK game. When we finally passed the first level about an hour and a half later, we were “rewarded” with the now infamous live-action cutscenes that look like they were shot in Ed Boon’s basement.
We must’ve looked so sad playing that gameoji. We really tried to like it, but as time went on we realized what a load this game was. Sub-Zero had frozen our little hearts and shattered them like an enemy combatant. This would be the first in a line of games that would diminish my love for the series (Special Forces and, to an extent, MK 4) that wouldn’t be rekindled until Deadly Alliance.
Well burn my house and steal my car, to call this game a disappointment is like calling PSN moderately insecure (Obligatory Sony burn. Couldn't resist). I've never been much of a Superman fan. However, I loved the 90’s animated series so the announcement of a game based on it got me pumped up. I never owned an N64. I went for the Playstation instead and was thoroughly happy with that decision. There were only a handful of games that ever made me envious of N64 owners: Super Mario 64, Mario Kart 64, Goldeneye 007 and Superman 64.
The magazine previews I read made this game seem amazing. I remember the epic commercial for it. After seeing Superman fly through the air and use all his powers my only thoughts were “That’s fucking Superman on N64!” and “Why isn’t this on Playstation?!” Seriously, look at this commercial. How did any kid’s head not explode watching this?
Again, the same friend who bought MK Mythologies ponied up the cash for this game as well. So again, we got together but with a few more friends this time though and excitedly popped this piece of crap in. If you aren’t familiar with this game, you basically start with Lex Luthor capturing Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen and the only way to save them is to solve his puzzles. By puzzle he means flying through a series of rings. That’s it. There’s no tutorial either. They just drop your now allowance-less ass in the game and say “Make This Happen, Bro”. Oh and there’s a time limit too. So you have to figure out the controls and fly through a lengthy course of rings within about 2 minutes. It also doesn’t help that Superman controls like a flying gorilla or that if you miss just one ring, you have to start all over again. Why they thought this would be a good way to start the game boggles my mind. And when did Lex Luthor becoming the damn Riddler anyway?
My friends and I all took turns trying to figure it out. We came back for two days straight just trying to get past that first section but never could. In fact, I didn’t even get to see the rest of the game until I saw walkthroughs of it on Youtube a few years ago. We ridiculed our buddy for wasting his allowance on such a horrible game and I think that’s the last time we got together to play a game at his house ever again.
When I first played the original Devil May Cry I was floored. The stylish gameplay, epic boss fights and the cool protagonist made for a good time despite its blistering difficulty. I could not wait to get my hands on the sequel. I didn’t have my crappy game testing friend anymore so this was a disappointment I invested my own money in.
The common phrase that kept popping up while playing this game was “What Happened?” The first thing I noticed was how different Dante was. Gone was the confident, wise-cracking badass, replaced by a gloomy, quiet and monotone Dante. The gameplay was somewhat intact, but the difficulty was lowered to accommodate kindergartens. The only real challenge came from the terrible camera angles, which either obscured or left out enemies entirely on screen which, resulting in some cheap damage. I remember a fight against a helicopter where the thing wasn’t on screen at all. You were just shooting blindly above hoping to land a hit. The only awesome thing was this new wall run that Dante had. That was seriously the most entertaining part of the gameplay as I kept doing that over and over because the awesome visual. Does it also hurt that Lucile’s story was more fun to play than Dante’s?
The story didn’t make a lick of sense and had one of the weakest antagonists I’ve ever seen. The original Devil May Cry isn’t a narrative masterpiece either, but at least I knew what was happening. From what I remember, you had to stop some corporate dude’s company from taking over the world. This guy was a demon (or something) and I also remember fighting a building. Yeah, I didn’t get it back then either. All and all this game isn’t as big a flop as the others I mentioned. Though compared to its predecessor, it’s a big step down.
As a wrestling fan, games based on the subject have long been a staple in all of my game libraries. SvR 07 in particular was great. My brother, friend, and I spent hours having what are now considered legendary triple threat matches in the annals of my living room.
My biggest gripe with this game was its Fighting Style system and how horribly imbalanced it was. High Flyers were too weak while Powerhouses were demi-gods. Hardcore wrestlers got weapon bonuses and a second wind after being busted open which was worthless in some matches. Submission wrestlers could get you to tap without any chance to fight back even if the move in question wasn’t a finisher. It was clear which one was better than the other and you could be at a severe disadvantage if you matched up against the wrong opponent type. And it would have nothing to do with your actual skill as a player. A high flyer against a powerhouse was more or less screwed and a hardcore wrestler in a normal single’s match couldn’t even take advantage of their perks.
This made the game, for us anyway, almost unplayable. I haven’t bought a Smackdown vs Raw since then. While I have played and enjoyed the other since then, I just haven’t had it in me to purchase a new one. Maybe one day that’ll change.
Batman Forever
I love Batman, especially as a kid. Anything based on the caped crusader could do no wrong in my eyes. That’s probably why I enjoyed another disappointment in Batman Forever. After seeing that movie I just had to get the game. A friend of mine let me borrow his cartridge so I didn’t have to beg my parents to buy me one. Good thing too, as they likely would’ve spanked me and probably my Genesis too for making them spend their money on such a colossal piece of doo doo.
The game looks promising a first glance. It’s dark and captures the atmosphere of the movie. The Mortal Kombat-style digitized actors were a treat as I felt like I was playing the movie. Another element borrowed from MK was the combat. Batman fought and controlled exactly like a character in that series. He could do the upper cut, do a series of high punches, and do roundhouse kicks, the whole schemer. Makes sense as they borrowed the MK engine to make this game, which is just unfit for a side-scrolling adventure game. Attacks aren’t quick enough, you can’t run and you have to stay still in order to attack at all. There were times when you were swamped with enemies but since the MK fighting style wasn’t made for taking on multiple foes at once, Batman would get his bat-ass royally handed to him.
Another problem was odd button layout. Commands were mapped to tedious button combinations so it was always a process to do perform even the simplest of task. I vividly remember being stuck very early on because of making it to a room whose only exit was a hole in the ceiling. It was too high to jump through, so you had to use your grappling hook. Thing was, none of the buttons worked. I hit every obvious button but got no grappling hook. It was only after a few days of just giving up and starting again that I hit the Select button by accident and the grappling hook worked. Huh? Why would you map something as important as that to the Select button? Who would think to push that for anything other than a menu or map?
Despite its sucktitude, I actually got pretty far in this game before giving it back to my friend. That had to do with persistence and denial, since my love of Batman wouldn’t allow me to acknowledge this game as the hot garbage that it was. I didn’t know it at the time, but this game would only serve as a precursor to my next let down.
Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero
Let it be known that I am a massive Mortal Kombat fan and the peak of my fandom was in the mid 90’s, when this little gem was announced. A Mortal Kombat adventure game starring one of my favorite characters sounded like absolute gold to me and I couldn’t wait to play it. However, when it released I didn’t have the funds to purchase it but luckily (and I mean that both ways) a buddy of mine was able to pick it up. Bursting with excitement, I eagerly went to his house to experience what would be one of the biggest disappointments in my gaming life.
The controls in this game were atrocious. Everything felt stiff and awkward. As with the case in Batman Forever, the MK Engine does not work in side-scrollers. Enemies would just rush on screen and immediately greet you with a swift kick to the face. We died so many times because we’d get sandwiched by opponents and weren’t able to turn around to face anyone coming from the back. Turns out you have to hit a button just to turn around. Apparently Sub-Zero is the least nimble ninja in history as his stiffness resulted in some of the most god-awful platforming I’ve ever experienced. Boss fights were traditional one-on-one battles but were somehow worse than they’d be in a proper MK game. When we finally passed the first level about an hour and a half later, we were “rewarded” with the now infamous live-action cutscenes that look like they were shot in Ed Boon’s basement.
We must’ve looked so sad playing that gameoji. We really tried to like it, but as time went on we realized what a load this game was. Sub-Zero had frozen our little hearts and shattered them like an enemy combatant. This would be the first in a line of games that would diminish my love for the series (Special Forces and, to an extent, MK 4) that wouldn’t be rekindled until Deadly Alliance.
Superman 64
Well burn my house and steal my car, to call this game a disappointment is like calling PSN moderately insecure (Obligatory Sony burn. Couldn't resist). I've never been much of a Superman fan. However, I loved the 90’s animated series so the announcement of a game based on it got me pumped up. I never owned an N64. I went for the Playstation instead and was thoroughly happy with that decision. There were only a handful of games that ever made me envious of N64 owners: Super Mario 64, Mario Kart 64, Goldeneye 007 and Superman 64.
The magazine previews I read made this game seem amazing. I remember the epic commercial for it. After seeing Superman fly through the air and use all his powers my only thoughts were “That’s fucking Superman on N64!” and “Why isn’t this on Playstation?!” Seriously, look at this commercial. How did any kid’s head not explode watching this?
Again, the same friend who bought MK Mythologies ponied up the cash for this game as well. So again, we got together but with a few more friends this time though and excitedly popped this piece of crap in. If you aren’t familiar with this game, you basically start with Lex Luthor capturing Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen and the only way to save them is to solve his puzzles. By puzzle he means flying through a series of rings. That’s it. There’s no tutorial either. They just drop your now allowance-less ass in the game and say “Make This Happen, Bro”. Oh and there’s a time limit too. So you have to figure out the controls and fly through a lengthy course of rings within about 2 minutes. It also doesn’t help that Superman controls like a flying gorilla or that if you miss just one ring, you have to start all over again. Why they thought this would be a good way to start the game boggles my mind. And when did Lex Luthor becoming the damn Riddler anyway?
My friends and I all took turns trying to figure it out. We came back for two days straight just trying to get past that first section but never could. In fact, I didn’t even get to see the rest of the game until I saw walkthroughs of it on Youtube a few years ago. We ridiculed our buddy for wasting his allowance on such a horrible game and I think that’s the last time we got together to play a game at his house ever again.
Devil May Cry 2
When I first played the original Devil May Cry I was floored. The stylish gameplay, epic boss fights and the cool protagonist made for a good time despite its blistering difficulty. I could not wait to get my hands on the sequel. I didn’t have my crappy game testing friend anymore so this was a disappointment I invested my own money in.
The common phrase that kept popping up while playing this game was “What Happened?” The first thing I noticed was how different Dante was. Gone was the confident, wise-cracking badass, replaced by a gloomy, quiet and monotone Dante. The gameplay was somewhat intact, but the difficulty was lowered to accommodate kindergartens. The only real challenge came from the terrible camera angles, which either obscured or left out enemies entirely on screen which, resulting in some cheap damage. I remember a fight against a helicopter where the thing wasn’t on screen at all. You were just shooting blindly above hoping to land a hit. The only awesome thing was this new wall run that Dante had. That was seriously the most entertaining part of the gameplay as I kept doing that over and over because the awesome visual. Does it also hurt that Lucile’s story was more fun to play than Dante’s?
The story didn’t make a lick of sense and had one of the weakest antagonists I’ve ever seen. The original Devil May Cry isn’t a narrative masterpiece either, but at least I knew what was happening. From what I remember, you had to stop some corporate dude’s company from taking over the world. This guy was a demon (or something) and I also remember fighting a building. Yeah, I didn’t get it back then either. All and all this game isn’t as big a flop as the others I mentioned. Though compared to its predecessor, it’s a big step down.
Smackdown vs Raw 2008
As a wrestling fan, games based on the subject have long been a staple in all of my game libraries. SvR 07 in particular was great. My brother, friend, and I spent hours having what are now considered legendary triple threat matches in the annals of my living room.
My biggest gripe with this game was its Fighting Style system and how horribly imbalanced it was. High Flyers were too weak while Powerhouses were demi-gods. Hardcore wrestlers got weapon bonuses and a second wind after being busted open which was worthless in some matches. Submission wrestlers could get you to tap without any chance to fight back even if the move in question wasn’t a finisher. It was clear which one was better than the other and you could be at a severe disadvantage if you matched up against the wrong opponent type. And it would have nothing to do with your actual skill as a player. A high flyer against a powerhouse was more or less screwed and a hardcore wrestler in a normal single’s match couldn’t even take advantage of their perks.
This made the game, for us anyway, almost unplayable. I haven’t bought a Smackdown vs Raw since then. While I have played and enjoyed the other since then, I just haven’t had it in me to purchase a new one. Maybe one day that’ll change.
