Serious Mozzarella
Special Victims Unit
I found this
So you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.
What you will need: 1 knife, 1 ring, access to a sunbed, and the ability to grow a beard.
Step 1: Place the ring on your wedding finger, and avoid contact with your friend for a month.
Step 2: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.
Step 3: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.
Step 4: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house
Step 5: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.
Step 6: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.
Step 7: When she enters the room, pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your well being instead of fearing the naked man in her room.
Step 8: When she asks you what's happened, you should ignore her questions. Instead, you must act confused and ask her the date. If it's September 15th, she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply, 'No, what year is it?'
Step 9; Upon hearing the year, say the words, 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.
Step 10: If your friend is a curious person, she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question, it is important that you now say the words, "(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future," in your most deadpan voice.
Step 11: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incredibleness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.
Step 12: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard, she will realize that you are married and your ring as simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.
Step 13: Now comes the hard part -- the monologue. In your own words, you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:
a) You are married to each other in the future.
b) Her current boyfriend is dead.
c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. The whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise.
d) In the future, your relationship is not going well.
e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed.
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus o a day six months from her present. She should stop him from going to work that day.
g) If she does exactly what you say, this current version of yourself will be erased, and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future.
Step 14: Unless your friend is made of stone, she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.
Step 15: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows, you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.
Step 16: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.
So you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.
What you will need: 1 knife, 1 ring, access to a sunbed, and the ability to grow a beard.
Step 1: Place the ring on your wedding finger, and avoid contact with your friend for a month.
Step 2: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.
Step 3: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.
Step 4: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house
Step 5: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.
Step 6: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.
Step 7: When she enters the room, pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your well being instead of fearing the naked man in her room.
Step 8: When she asks you what's happened, you should ignore her questions. Instead, you must act confused and ask her the date. If it's September 15th, she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply, 'No, what year is it?'
Step 9; Upon hearing the year, say the words, 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.
Step 10: If your friend is a curious person, she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question, it is important that you now say the words, "(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future," in your most deadpan voice.
Step 11: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incredibleness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.
Step 12: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard, she will realize that you are married and your ring as simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.
Step 13: Now comes the hard part -- the monologue. In your own words, you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:
a) You are married to each other in the future.
b) Her current boyfriend is dead.
c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. The whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise.
d) In the future, your relationship is not going well.
e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed.
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus o a day six months from her present. She should stop him from going to work that day.
g) If she does exactly what you say, this current version of yourself will be erased, and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future.
Step 14: Unless your friend is made of stone, she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.
Step 15: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows, you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.
Step 16: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.
