How should/do you handle the end of a relationship?

[LSN80]

In high school, I had a teacher who was just out of college himself, and he never failed to share anecdotes and stories from his own life in somewhat misguided attempts to teach us how to live. One of those happened to be sharing stories of the relationships he ended, and how he would abruptly cut them off. If your time has passed, he felt, it was good to end the relationship, and cut all contact whatsoever. He shared one story about a woman who, when he dumped her over the phone, suggested that they remain friends. His response?

"I have enough friends, thanks."

As much as I disagreed with the majority of his "life lessons", this one actually makes sense to me. As much of a jerk as he came across, it's refreshing that he was honest enough to not lead someone on. As opposed to simply distancing oneself from the woman he was seeing, he was upfront and direct. Further, he cut all contact when the time came to end the relationship.

Whether it be weeks, months, or years, ending a relationship can be tough. Having that relationship end abruptly can be even tougher. But for all involved, isn't it better to cut all contact, rather then hanging on to a 'friendship', with one person still generally wanting more?

I've been in both situations in my life, both as the person ending and having a relationship ended. However harsh, it softens the blow over time to end things quickly and completely, rather then to stay involved with someone in some way even after the romantic part of things has ended. It's hard to have someone be such a presence in your life and then not, regardless of what 'end' of the relationship you're on. But for me, I've found in the past that cutting ties as both the one doing the dumping, or the dumpee, is best for the feelings and emotions of all parties involved.

It doesn't mean I've had to be cruel about it either, just, in the past, firm.

How do/have you handled ending a relationship?
What's been the easiest way a relationship has been ended with you? Slowly pulling away, or abruptly?

All other thoughts are welcome and encouraged.

 

[Mustang Sally]

"I have enough friends, thanks."

That sounds pretty harsh; it reads as a complete dismissal of the person whom you've supposedly been close to for a while. Still, I agree with the sentiment of the OP; when a romantic relationship comes to an end, it's probably better to create separation; it's easier on the parties involved than torturing each other by staying in contact, trying to convince yourself it hurts less if you reach out to each other occasionally.

For some, that might work but I've found it's better to stay away in the initial months after the break-up. Time really does heal all wounds and it's sometimes possible to pick up a friendship with your ex after the wounds have had a chance to heal.

Of course, sometimes absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder; the rift that caused the break-up in the first place grows more pronounced while you're avoiding communication with your ex during the months following the split. By the time you try to talk again, you find you really don't want to because you resent them more than ever, and the re-establishment of communication becomes awkward and adversarial in a hurry. (Plus, you wonder whom they've been seeing since the split with you).

Still, trying to stay friends immediately following the break-up isn't going to smooth over those feelings of resentment, is it? Even if you've decided it was a mistake to break up in the first place, the break-up is still out there for all to see and the pain that led to it still festers.

I say that if you break up: then break up completely. Maybe there's a chance to pick up a relationship later, whether it be a friendship or full reconciliation......or maybe not.

 

[Blade]

I agree it's best to cut all ties. I've had a relationship end where we tried to be friends and it was a really bad idea because we had that effect on each other where we'd end up doing stuff whenever we were alone together. Plus, sooner or later, you end up seeing them with their new love interest, like Sally alluded to. And that can suck.

I think you need to deal with getting over a relationship in three steps. Firstly, you cut the ties. I've never heard of an exception where being friends with an ex has worked out well for everyone involved. Secondly, you have to spend as much time as possible with whichever friends are available, people that love you and will do what they can to make you feel better. Being alone makes everything worse. And then, once you're feeling better, decide if you want to be single for a while or if you want to find another person to date.

Those are the steps I took after getting out of a 2 year relationship at the start of this year, and it really worked for me. Though I know everyone is different in terms of what works for them, I guess.

 

[Dagger Dias]

How do/have you handled ending a relationship?

I usually didn't take it well. Ending a relationship is very difficult no matter which end of it you are on. It's best to just be honest about your feelings. I have broken girls' hearts before when ending a relationship, it was devastating to tell them I couldn't do this anymore, but it's the lesser of two evils when compared to falsely leading her into thinking it can still work. I have been the one being broken up with as well. It's one of the hardest things anyone will ever go through if their feelings have had a chance to develop into something strong and special towards their significant other. The longer you were in the relationship, the longer it may take to heal. I have tried to surround myself with friends, pets, and anyone I can truly trust. I'm not particularly close to my family (I am to my wife's side, but this was before I met her obviously) so for some that is an option as well. The less time you spend alone the better, for most people it will help the recovering process to be around those who care about you.

As for the whole "let's stay friends!" line, that is often absolutely garbage. It depends on how close you were BEFORE the relationship. Were you close friends first, and then you got close and/or experimented physically to see where things would go? Those types of relationships, while akward afterwards, can be salvaged if the pain isn't too great to endure. If you were never "true friends" with them and were only in a romantic/sexual relationship with them, then there is no friendship to fall back on and there's absolutely no point in being friends afterwards. It's usually better to cut your losses and move on after splitting up unless you had a strong bond of friendship that even a failed relationship cannot mess up. Those are very hard to find, especially in significant others.

What's been the easiest way a relationship has been ended with you? Slowly pulling away, or abruptly?

Neither are easy. With a slow ending you have signs in front of you and you may know it's coming, so that can either be a good thing or a bad thing. It's good in the sense that an abrupt ending will not sneak up you. It's bad in the sense that it can grow painful over time and you just want it to end. Abrupt endings, I find are always painful. Everything literally changes within a brief timeframe. There is no happy medium. Ending a relationship is ALWAYS going to be tough. Just be honest, surround yourself with those who care about you, and try your very hardest to move forward. You HAVE to look ahead, not dwell on yesterday's losses.

 

[Poop Master Flex]

How do/have you handled ending a relationship?

I've handled relationships ending pretty well actually. The only time I didn't handle it too well was because I was being lied to and I knew that. That's the thing with me, if you don't want to be with me that's fine, I'm gonna get hurt over it much like everyone else but as long as I'm not bullshitted I can accept it, move on. That's how I feel as well. The truth isn't always pretty but its always the best way to go. I don't believe in games, I don't believe in bullshit, I believe in being a straight shooter no matter what. When you hear truth that you don't want to hear its hard at first but without the truth things won't always get better.

For example, if a girlfriend tells me "you're a dick, you pay zero attention to me, you don't care about my feelings at all, I'm done" its a tough thing to hear, but at the same time you can think back to things you did wrong, the things she over reacted with and overall learn from that. If you really are self absorbing and don't pay attention to your girlfriend you won't know that unless someone points it out, and if you don't know how will it get better? Now if an ex says that same thing but you know for a fact that's not true then you know what type of person you don't want to be with.

I've had girlfriends tell me "I'm not feeling it anymore", it sucks but after a few hours or days I accept that, get over it and I'm good. On the flip side I had a girlfriend who was still in love with her ex and she just couldn't tell me that, she fed me a bunch of bullshit, a bunch of lies just so she didn't have to confront the truth, that's why we broke up actually because she couldn't be straight with me. It wasn't until 3-4 months later that she finally told me that I was right all along and it was a lot easier to accept when I was finally given the truth (although by that point I didn't care anymore). Basically it was revealed she used me as a boyfriend and later as a friend (that one was my dumb mistake as I should have known better) just so she could get over her ex. The second they started hanging out again we stopped being friends altogether. She still asks from time to time to hang out but by this point I'm not interested. I know what the deal is, I've learned my lesson and I know she isn't the type of person I want to hang out with. It just took a lot longer because of all the bullshit I was fed.

What's been the easiest way a relationship has been ended with you? Slowly pulling away, or abruptly?

It was abruptly for me. It wasn't too hard as we've only been going out a month, but the fact that she was honest about it is what made it so easy. One day she called me up after a few weeks of not seeing each other much and said straight up, I like you but to be honest I don't want to do a relationship right now. I want to be on my own and get my own shit together (at the time she was on the verge of being unemployed/getting kicked out of her house/family shit) before I think about relationships. Of course it bummed me out for a night but at the same time it was the truth and it was closure which made it easy. I talked to her for a bit afterwards because it was amicable, she stayed single for a while but last year she met a guy and just got married. I met someone shortly after our breakup, we fell in love and had a daughter so all in all everything worked out for everyone.

In my case I like knowing the truth good or bad. It helps me get closure and it helps me grow as a person which can be used for future relationships.

 

[Kodo Sawaki]

People tend to get hurt and dissapointed in eachother after breaking up a relatinship. So that "Lets stay friends" is very harsh by itself. I mean, you break up and get pretty dissapointed in somebody. Most of the breakups are because one side or both see that other person isnt right about them at the time so they often tend to see eachother in negative aspects. Thats why often that "Lets stay friends" isnt really reliablle option, because its hard to see that other person in right tone even if you see that person in town or go get a cup of coffee sometimes. After a while maybe, but right after breakup, hardly gona happen. And that sentence is ussually used when you break up so you would be "on the wrong turns"...

And your teacher is kinda "jerkish". He broke up with her, and eventhough he was honest its pretty harsh to say that because its sounds like "Hey, I am breaking up with you, you are not right for me. We cant even be friends because I have enough of them . Dont need you at all in my life". Eventhogh its probably most honest respons from him, its really pretty harsh to the other side to tell something like that...

How do/have you handled ending a relationship?

Well its almost never that ease. Easier when a person doesnt mean that much to you but its almost always hard wheather its you who broke up or the other side. I am usually calm person type so my brakups are pretty "non drama" type. Hate too much drama and tend to avoid it. If her or me think it doesnt go anywhere or that we arent that right for eachother, thats OK, goodbye and have a nice life.

What's been the easiest way a relationship has been ended with you? Slowly pulling away, or abruptly?

Slowly. Then you are kinda prepared that it isnt going in some direction relationship should and you both kinda feel thats not "it". Then you can just say "This isnt going, goodbye and have a nice life". Its still far from easie but you both tend to handle much better then just abruptly breakup when one side or both just cut things off sudennly...