Does 'Taking a Break' = "Anything Goes?"

[LSN80]

The break indicated here is from a relationship, and sparked a 'disagreement' between my wife and myself, but the story that sparked it was that of Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade.

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/gabrielle-union-back-dwyane-wade/story?id=21467067

The break between Union and Wade wasn't that of the traditional sense, meaning that it didn't arise due to a fight between the couple. It happened because Union was away from Wade for some time while filming the movie "Think Like a Man Too" and the new pilot that just debuted on BET Tuesday night, "Being Mary Jane." Union, who is 10 years older then Wade, noted that it was her schedule that prompted the couple to take a break.

"It was because of distance and scheduling. I finished filming 'Being Mary Jane' the show, then I flew to Vegas right away to start shooting 'Think Like a Man Too.' I couldn't take time off, and I missed some quality togetherness we desperately needed."

During the time apart that they 'desperatedly needed', Wade slept with another woman, at least one known. In doing so, he fathered a child with the woman, 30 year old Aja Metoyer. The child was born in December, putting the time of conception around March/April of 2013. This fits the timeline for their split, as the filmings of Union's show and movie were around those dates. Union filmed 'Think Like a Man Too' in June, and filmed the TV show before that.

Perhaps because he values his relationship with Union and doesn't desire a permanent break from her, Wade took some responsibility for the 'off' part of the relationship. Wade spoke to the media regarding his new son at a press conference on December 30th before a game against the Denver Nuggets.

"I had a time, a part in our break, in our pain and our hurt, a blessing came out of it in my life, having a son that was born healthy. So I’m moving on.”

Having not read the transcript of the interview, I'm unaware in what context Wade used the term 'moving on'. Possibly, after setting aside time to discuss the very private issue, Wade is moving on from discussing it in the media. But the more likely context revolves around his relationship with Union, whom he recently asked to marry, with her saying 'yes.'

The idea of taking a break is one I can't fathom, but at the same time, I've been married for five years, so it's not a possibility to put my wife on the backburner when things at work get busy. But I think to a time when I was 22, in a relationship with another woman. In this scenario, she asked for a break, and I acquiesced.

In this situation, she wanted to take a step back from being exclusive so we could see other people. My feelings for her ran deeper then hers for mine, apparently, as I told her I had no desire to see other women, and only had eyes for her. But as time went on(the break lasted about a month), my anger grew, as did my poor attitude. 'If she can do it, so can I', I thought, and I began seeing a friend casually who I knew was interested in me. We went to a Live concert, us both getting drunk, and we wound up having sex later that night.

Be she a mind-reader or what, the woman I was on a break with called just 2 days later, saying she had figured things out. Whatever problems we had paled in comparison to the pain of being apart, she told me, or something to that effect. But total honesty over what happened during our break was necessary, she said, and she admitted to making out with one guy during that time. When I, in turn, revealed that I had sex, she was pissed. 'You told me you only had eyes for me, and that you didn't want to see other people,' she screamed, with multiple names and cuss words sprinkled through. She wanted to take a break to process this and decide what she wanted, but I didn't give in this time. All or nothing, no coming back if it was nothing were my terms, and we decided to work things out while together. Still, I don't believe she ever got past my having sex with another woman, and if I was honest, I don't believe I would have taken her back had she slept with someone else. Hypocritical? Sure. But I also understand where her anger came from.

This brings me to the title of my thread, which asks the question of whether 'Taking a Break' means 'Anything Goes'. Technically, I suppose that's true, especially if the other person initiated it. Much like open marriages or partner swapping, one person is inevitably going to get more from the experience then the others, which will just lead to jealously. In my scenario, I certainly got more from a physical sense then she did, and as a result, it angered her. Not just that, but that I had said my first choice was to stay with her, with no desire to see other people.

Finally, look at the situation with Dwayne Wade. The man has written a book on parenting, is known as a devoted father, and has full custody of his children. He also welcomed another child into the picture just recently, and while this woman will receive beaucoup bucks in child support, perhaps what she really wanted was Dwayne? In situations such as taking a break, all our thinking, and most of our behavior, is selfish. We don't think about the hurt it may cause the third party, all-the-while knowing that the "relationship" is not for keeps. So while Dwyane will be able to see his son, and undeniably will will be a good father, he's also harmed his fiancee, and his baby's mother as well.

Does "taking a break" mean anything goes? I believe so, hence, the argument between my wife and myself. If we were ever to take a break and I slept around, the "break" would then become a "break-up." My thoughts have always been that when the relationship ends, even for a short period of time, it means anything goes. But you can't count on your past and future significant other truly seeing it this way. At best, should the 'anything goes' ideal be explored during the 'break', the relationship will have a hard time recovering, if it does so at all.

Does 'Taking a Break' equate to 'Anything Goes?' Why or why not?

If it was you that was Union, would you stand by your man(or woman)?

All other discussion regarding the topic are welcome and encouraged.

 

[DarksideEric]

"Taking a break" in my own personal experience has always ended up badly, in the short term or long term for the relationship.

In my own relationship, she started the break. She started hanging out with a different set of people, dropped many of her moral and religious beliefs, got into drugs and alcohol (because that was the crowd she started to run with), then gave away her virginity to one of them (she was a practicing Christian so she/we were waiting), then came back to me crying how she had messed up, wished she had never left, wished she had never slept with him, etc. Ever since she came back and we tried being together again the relationship was really, really stressed. She wasn't giving up the new life while trying to come back to the old one and ended up getting in deeper into the new one in terms of harder drugs, drinking so much she was admitted to the hospital, etc. She then completely shut me out and burned the bridge between us.

In a relationship of a friend of mine, the guy said they needed a break (they were supposed to get married) and he was fucking other people (she wasn't) while they were still having sex. She not only ended up getting an STD but also got pregnant... and now they're getting married because of the pregnancy.

And then of course there's Ross and Rachel from Friends

Personally, I'm not a fan of "taking a break."

 

[Mighty NorCal]

I hve never "taken a break" with someone, because I do not engage in any form of twattyness. What a twat thing to do.

You are either together, or you aren't. If you aren't then, anything goes....however, you must take the possible reprecussion of your actions into account if you get back with the person(which, in reality, is what you are doing when you "take a break").

If you are not committed, you can fuck whomever you want. If you cant, then you ARE still commited, and thus, there is no "break"

 

[Slash-LN]

I would think that would be talked about beforehand.
I haven't been in this situation myself but a friend of mine was supposed to be taking a break from his girlfriend at the time and she ended up dating some other guy during that time period and falling in love with the guy and getting engaged.
I think if you're taking a break and and the plan is to get back together then it's kind of shitty to see other people. Not for the guy and girl taking the break but for the person or people they get involved with at the time. Seems like no matter the scenario someone will end up getting hurt. Either one of the people in the original couple are going to get jealous that you hooked up with or went out with someone else or the people who get brought into the fold during the break are going to get hurt.
Seems like a bad idea all around.
I was in an off and on relationship and while we never said let's take a break when we would break up we would both go hangout with other people and then when we would get back together that was always ammo it seemed especially on her side. Though I wasn't very mature about it myself. She would say something about me hanging out with other people and I would usually fire back about the people she was hanging out with. Our situation was a little more complicated though because we worked at the same place so we saw each other on a regular basis and the girl I was hanging out with also worked there.
But I imagine that's how it goes when you take a break with somebody. It just adds something for them to throw in your face later.

As far as if I would stand by the person in that case? After what I went through with the girl mentioned above probably not. Had I not gone through all that with her though it would be harder to say I wouldn't if I really cared about the person.

 

[Mustang Sally]

Whatever problems we had paled in comparison to the pain of being apart, she told me, or something to that effect.

Yes, meaning that the "break" she wanted essentially applied to her, not you......or, she at least never considered what you might be doing during her break. She wanted to see other people while you stayed at home, waiting anxiously for the day she would come back to you.

Horseshit.

I guess I'm old-fashioned, but if your relationship is real, you don't "take a break." If you do, the one suggesting the break wasn't committed to the relationship in the first place (or perhaps was committed; but the feeling had waned).....and yes, if you agree to do it, I believe "anything goes" because you're essentially breaking up, no matter what inane terms are used to define it.

As for Dwyane Wade (yes, it isn't spelled "Dwayne" as tradition would have it......either his mother couldn't spell or they screwed up the birth certificate), if you examine the track record of NBA players, his fathering a child outside his committed relationship might have occurred whether he and Union were taking a break or not.

As for Gabrielle, I don't know that they were taking a break. She explained the rift between she and Dwyane, saying: "It was because of distance and scheduling" meaning he got bored while she was busy with work and decided to do another woman. I don't see where they agreed on a break.

As I said, that's NBA players for you. Right now, there are probably thousands of kids around the U.S. who can't figure why they have effective outside jump shots even though they've received no coaching in the game.

 

[klunderbunker]

This idea of a break is something that makes my head spin. As Norcal put it, you're either with someone or you're not and there really is no in between. If you take a break with someone, in my eyes you're single and free to do whatever or whoever you want. If the person you're taking a break from is going to hold your actions while on a break against you, then what's the benefit of taking a break? You get none of the benefits but are still held to a standard? That's absurd.

Becca and I have to be apart far more often than we're together. It's certainly not easy to do, but the idea of one of us seeing someone else while we're apart is ridiculous. if that was ever brought up, I can imagine our relationship would be in very real trouble very quickly. I fail to see how you can be with someone and do anything with anyone else and just say "oh we were on a break so it doesn't count." Stuff like this is why marriages fail so often anymore: if you can't handle being with just one person, don't try to be.

 

[Jack-Hammer]

This reminds me of various episodes of the sitcom "Friends" and the relationship between characters Ross Gellar and Rachel Green. When they first broke up, due to problems brought about by Rachel's big new job that resulted in them hardly seeing one another and Ross' jealousy over one of Rachel's male co-workers, Rachel said that maybe they should "take a break." Ross thought she meant to cool off, get off the topic of their argument and maybe take it up a bit later when they were both more calm. However, what she meant was "a break from us", which resulted in Ross wordlessly storming out of her apartment. He went to a bar, drowned his sorrows, got plastered and wound up having a one night stand with a woman he met at the bar.

Now, for me, if someone says that they wanna take "a break" from the relationship, that means the relationship is officially done. Now while it might not exactly be the classiest thing in the world to hook up with someone else that very same night or even within a few weeks, especially if it's something that you intentionally set out to do, I've got no real problem with it. You're either in a relationship or your not, and I've frankly never understood this kinda sorta middle ground that a lot of people seem to pull out of their asses when the situation & circumstances suit them. At the same time, however, someone asking for a break right out of the blue, with the other person completely unprepared for it, can be pretty traumatic. As with the "Friends" situation in which Ross hooked up with another woman that same night after getting shitfaced, sometimes things do happen. Sometimes, things pop up and circumstances line up for things that you don't expect to see coming. In Ross' case, he was lonely, he was drunk and the idea of being "wanted" by someone, even if it's just a fling, can be understood. After all, like most people, he was questioning himself, wondering where he went wrong, maybe even questioning himself as a man or even as a lover.

Speaking as a red blooded heterosexual male, in spite of various propoganda that various Fem-Nazis believe, men are just as capable of being emotionally distraught as any woman in difficult times. We can be led astray by extremely powerful emotions during very stressful times. It's not always as simple as a man thinking only with his pecker rather than his brain. It's not always a black & white issue of a woman being a **** or a man being a heartless cockhound.

 

[hatehabsforever]

This was actually a really easy one for me. If you are "taking a break" from your "relationship", anything goes and therefore, I would not stick with my (former) significant other in the meantime.

If you are in a committed relationship, whether it be married, engaged, common law, or dating in a mutually exclusive relationship, there's no such thing as taking a break. Taking a break means either or both parties want to break up but simply don't have the balls to come out and say so. If you are in a relationship which is healthy and problem free, why exactly are you taking a break, and what are you taking a break from? If one party wants to take a break, the relationship is doomed in my opinion and it's over. If both parties feel that way, even more so. If the people involved want to take a break, the relationship as it stands is over. And therefore anything goes. Both parties are free to do whatever they choose with whoever they choose, and that's that. If you have a problem with that, you shouldn't be "taking a break" in the first place. Meanwhile, after the hiatus, if the people involved decide they want to reconcile and try again, that's fine too, as long as there's no baggage from whatever transpired during the break. Which in most cases would be practically impossible. Personally I couldn't do it, but perhaps other people may feel differently about it. To each their own.

If my significant other approached me about taking a break, we are done. It tells me that there is something about me and our relationship that is not working for her and that being said, it's likely over. Better to end it now than drag out a doomed relationship for longer for no reason. I don't think I could get beyond the "break" and most women would feel the same way about it. And I don't think I could get past dealing with whatever else happened with my former partner while we were apart.

To hell with taking a break. Either you are together or you're not, it's really that simple.

 

[Rayne]

Intent is everything.

I've never taken or been asked for a "break", but I've seen it with plenty of other people. Sometimes, "taking a break" means that someone wants to sleep around with other people, but wants to know that the security of a relationship is there should they want to come back to it. And unless one of them is a total sap and sucker, that's usually the end of the relationship. Maybe it reduces the explosive breakup risk by drawing it out over time, I don't know, but it seems like a shitty way to end a relationship to me.

On the other hand, I've seen it used where people are just in a phase of their life where they don't know what they want, but they've been with the same person for a while and they need to do something else. Call it emotional wanderlust. And how that ends all depends on the person.

This isn't intended as any kind of advice, I try to avoid that, just observation.

 

[Loveless]

Unless "Taking a break" means exactly the same as "breaking up", and I'm pretty sure it doesn't, anything goes rules don't apply.
To use a sports metaphor, taking a break is a time-out from the game, it doesn't mean you go and start another game.

 

[Slyfox696]

I've never been in such a situation, but taking a break seems like a waste of time to me. What's the point? Either you love and care for each other or you don't. Or you do care for each other but still can't stand each other. If your relationship is either of the last two, then why would you want to continue pursuing it?

I get people break up and get back together because over time they realize how much they mean to each other. But taking a break doesn't fit that category. Taking a break is essentially a cowardly way of saying "I THINK I want to be with you, but I also think I want to be with that gorgeous specimen over there".

I would never "take a break" in a relationship. I've broken up and gotten back together. I can also understand if two people simply need time away from each other, but under no circumstances should time away from each other equal a lack of commitment to each other.

To answer the question of the thread, I really can't say because I simply do not understand the idea of "taking a break" from a relationship. I say if you're not together, then you are free to do whatever and whomever you want.

 

[Reflection]

It is in good and noble spirit to not elope or sleep with another person during that period, because of the amount of trust the other person has, and how he/she would feel if they came to know... But we are all humans, mistakes happen, things happen... Best thing to do is to not land yourself (or your partner) in that "taking a break" situation. If they end up falling for, or getting physical with another person, you can't really blame them much or shout at them. Forgive and reconcile if you can, and if the other person is interested.

 

[CH David]

Why shouldn't it? You're taking a break from each other, you're not together, so what are you? You're a couple but you're not? That defeats the purpose of being a couple.

Don't take a break if you're gonna get pissed off when your other fools around with someone else.. It's a pretty simple concept, no?

Taking a break to me is a concept where someone wants to bang other people, but when they get sick of it they want to come back to you. If you can deal with that, awesome.

 

[Sheamus' Suntan]

This automatically reminds me of friends.

WE WERE ON A BREAK!!

A man and a woman will ALWAYS see a break as two different things, if the two engage in a break. I have taken a break from my partner. About 2 years into our relationship, things were rocky. We argued constantly so we took a break for a month and a bit. In that time we both slept with other people. We both saw it as a split withba view or there maybe being more later down the line.

In my mind, a break is a finish. Whether it be temporary or permenant. If you're not with that person, you're simply not with them. You should be able to do what you want. You're no longer committed. That's...pretty much how I see it.

 

[Dirk]

You are either together, or you aren't. If you aren't then, anything goes....however, you must take the possible reprecussion of your actions into account if you get back with the person(which, in reality, is what you are doing when you "take a break").

This idea of a break is something that makes my head spin. As Norcal put it, you're either with someone or you're not and there really is no in between.

You're either in a relationship or your not, and I've frankly never understood this kinda sorta middle ground that a lot of people seem to pull out of their asses when the situation & circumstances suit them.

I've never been in such a situation, but taking a break seems like a waste of time to me. What's the point? Either you love and care for each other or you don't. Or you do care for each other but still can't stand each other. If your relationship is either of the last two, then why would you want to continue pursuing it?

What a black-and-white way of looking at one of the most complicated parts of being human.

Yes, meaning that the "break" she wanted essentially applied to her, not you......or, she at least never considered what you might be doing during her break. She wanted to see other people while you stayed at home, waiting anxiously for the day she would come back to you.

Horseshit.

Preach it, sister! Some people don't even consider the implications a break has for the other partner. I think it has to do with a power imbalance. The person wanting to take the break could see something bad in the other partner and assume others view them the same way.

Becca and I have to be apart far more often than we're together. It's certainly not easy to do, but the idea of one of us seeing someone else while we're apart is ridiculous.

I'm glad for you guys, I sincerely am. However, some people can't do long-distance. I can, but some people just don't have the patience or emotional fortitude for a long-distance relationship.

And who's to say they're wrong? Who's to say those people aren't allowed to be in relationships and handle it in the best way they see fit? Are we to start committees to survey and qualify humans as relationship-ready?

If two people are in a very young relationship and unforeseen circumstances separate them, but with a good chance they'll be able united soon, why not take the break if they can't do long-distance?

I would think that would be talked about beforehand.
I haven't been in this situation myself but a friend of mine was supposed to be taking a break from his girlfriend at the time and she ended up dating some other guy during that time period and falling in love with the guy and getting engaged.
I think if you're taking a break and and the plan is to get back together then it's kind of shitty to see other people. Not for the guy and girl taking the break but for the person or people they get involved with at the time. Seems like no matter the scenario someone will end up getting hurt.

This. Commitment isn't the issue here, it's communication. People who are happy and content with their significant other won't suddenly develop monogamy-problems.

As we've already seen, various posters had different ideas on what constitutes a break. It's not an immovable, fixed term. Partners are complex humans with deeply nuanced emotions as well as ways to express them. Why are these people so shocked their partners were with other people? They didn't communicate the conditions of the break.

Two friends of mine were in a three-year relationship. Both were students nearing graduation. The pressures of finding a town, a job and the direction of their relationship got to them so badly, that they spent all their time together fighting, so they took a break. Beforehand they agreed to not make out with other people. They didn't have any contact either. I'm mostly friends with the guy and we went clubbing a few times and everytime we were out, he turned down women. He's quite a stud, actually.

During those three months, they reflected on who they are as individuals and as a couple and decided that they want to be with each other and they made each other happy. Not because being single sucks, but because they wanted to be with each other, permanently.

After they got back together, they learnt how to understand each properly and they worked out all their shit. They've been married for three years now and are really happy.

There is a place for taking a break, provided you protect the feelings of your partner, interested parties and yourself.

 

[Kool Aid Man]

Not if you have intentions of getting this woman back. You should get a definitive 'we are over' before going ****e mongering. Of course if you feel like you don't want them back then take your chances. Dating another girl during the break is perfectly acceptable and will make the other girl jealous, hooking up will likely ensure you won't ever get her back.