Diet Soda Answers His Own Questions

[Diet Soda]

I'm in a posting mood but I can't be bothered going through individual threads.

Hey Soda, where you been?

I've been lurking most days, but my interest in pro wrestling has waned as of late, the quality of WWE's output is the lowest it has been since the roster split ended and I only watch the odd PPV nowadays.

Your last non-spam post, on August 30th 2014, was...

Eh, can't say I'm too excited about this one. Both of these guys ought to be above the United States Championship, especially since Sheamus is multiple former world champion. Still, I expect Sheamus to retain here, then get fed to Rusev later in the year, allowing Cesaro to climb further up the roster and get a proper story.

...do you still agree with this sentiment?

As memory serves, it was a decent enough match between the two, and I was right about Sheamus losing the title to Rusev. Shame about Cesaro not really going anywhere as a singles star, he was one of my favourites for a while.

Excited for Wrestlemania?

Actually yes, despite the terrible build. The card may not be an instant classic, but one thing is does have going for it is that all of the matches could go either way.

Let's run down the card then, starting with the main event. Who's walking of Wrestlemania as World Heavyweight Champion?

Reigns. Or Lesnar. Or Rollins. I can't make up my mind.

I want to see Brock drop the belt so we can have a champion on TV every week and for that championship to be defended every month. The whole absentee champion for me has come off like a failed experiment and while it has enhanced the marketability of Lesnar, his appearances are too few and far between to keep my attention.

Is Reigns ready to be the face of the company? Of course not, but WWE are going to keep him protected no matter what. Can you imagine him in mid-card feuds a year from now? No, they've shoved a rocket up his arse and pointed him towards the moon.

I so desperately want Rollins to cash in after the match. There would be no better time. Unless of course he does on the following Raw. Either way, I'm gunning for a triple threat match at Extreme Rules, Rollins and Lesnar blew it out of the park at Royal Rumble and I want to see them square off again.

Will Reigns/Lesnar be an entertaining match?

I doubt it. Neither of them have the ability to carry a match on their own so I'm expecting a repetitive slug-fest, with Lesnar working over Reigns for the most part until AARRROOOOOOOOO!!! Superman Punch! Spear! (See Lesnar/Cena, 2012).

Sting and Triple H?

These two have a combined age of over 100. It would be interesting to ask KB, if someone already hasn't, what other one-on-one Wrestlemania matches have the highest combined age of competitors. (Off the top of my head, Vince vs. Bret).

Anyway. Sting needs to win here otherwise what's the frigging point of him even turning up in WWE? Such a hallmark signing, even though he's only part-time and will probably have at the most 3 matches with WWE, needs a win off the bat to give the less-familiar fans something to rally behind.

So if Triple H wins, Sting appearing was all for nothing?

Absolutely. Triple H gains nothing from going over since there's no stipulation that would remove him from power.

What are you expecting in terms of match quality?

Triple H can get a good match out of anybody, but this one will be slow. Sting was looking gassed during that promo after Raw last week and he'd only been in the ring two minutes. And I hope to God he doesn't wrestle in a T-shirt.

Gotta go to work now, part two later tonight!

 

[Diet Soda]

Welcome back.

My interviewee, the highly esteemed, elusive, and enigamtic Diet Soda, enters the hotel bar and takes off his overcoat, hanging it over a vacant stool, upon which he then sits. He orders a cucumber gin and slimline tonic from the bartender, whose name tag identifies him as Pedro, and turns to face me. I press record on my Casio portable tape recorder and open my notepad at the place where we left off this afternoon. He coughs to clear his throat.

In our last session, you mentioned that you only saw Sting wrestling 3 WWE matches. Not including his first with Triple this weekend, what would those 3 be?

Diet Soda's drink arrives. He thanks Pedro, and tips adequately. Pedro asks if I require another beverage, but I politely refuse as I have not yet finished my cranberry juice.

The obvious one would be against the Undertaker at Wrestlemania next year, with one or both retiring afterwards. If WWE don't put this together then it will be the biggest thing they've missed the boat on since not having Hogan and Flair headline Wrestlemania.

I'd like to see Sting face Cena at some point, maybe at Summerslam this year. One legend against another. It wouldn't be so much a passing of the torch but a match many of us thought we'd never see, much like Hogan vs. Michaels, Hogan vs. Rock, or Rock vs. Cena. One could argue Cena vs. Michaels was an unforeseen headliner but I digress.

Third would be Bray Wyatt. Since WWE are gimmicking Sting with dark and mystical powers, a program with Wyatt would make some very entertaining moments. I see Wyatt going very far and another rub from a legend would only help build his legacy.

Two of the names you just mentioned are squaring off in 6 days. You are a known Undertaker mark on the Wrestlezone forums, blinding defending him in the 6th Annual Wrestlezone Tournament against Kurt Angle, much to chagrin of your peers.
Diet Soda takes a big sip of his drink and checks his watch.
My question here is, now that the marquee appeal of the Undertaker at Wrestlemania has been vanquished, why should the fans be invested in this match against Bray Wyatt?

The fact the streak has been broken adds to the appeal, I think. Fans want to know if such an unprecedented and unpredictable loss can be recovered from. The fact that Taker has not appeared in person for almost a year heightens the mystique surrounding the physical and psychological damage losing to Lesnar did to him. From a strictly kayfabe point of view (Diet Soda pronounces 'kayfabe' "kay-frabe") this ought to be one of the most anticipated matches of the Undertaker's career.

Can you predict a winner?

Wyatt will get the win, but I can see Taker walking out with his head held high.

John Cena will challenge for a championship he hasn't held for over a decade. What do you make of that?

Rusev needs to go over a big name on a big stage, Cena doesn't need the United States title. This will be a hard hitting match and I imagine them having one more to blow off the feud at Extreme Rules. Rusev wins with the Accolade.

You're a fan of multi-man ladder matches, Soda, looking forward to the Intercontinental Championship match?

Indeed, yes. More so if Sheamus is brought in as a surprise competitor. I'd hate to see Barrett lose the strap but during his five reigns as Intercontinental Champion, he really hasn't acheived anything memorable, so maybe a title change is due. Though Barrett retaining would be as much as a surprise as anyone else getting the win. If he overcomes the other 6/7 superstars in the match it may well solidify this reign and put an end to all the hot-potato shenaningans we've had recently. Sheamus returning as a heel and winning would be satisfying also.

The other multi-man match, the Andre the Giant Memorial Chicken Royale, didn't do much for Cesaro last year, are WWE doomed to make the same mistake?

Realistically, the majority of the names in this match aren't gonna get to the top of the mountain. Some have already peaked and fallen, for others this is as high as it gets. I expect Axelmania to run wild but ultimately I see Mizdow getting the trophy.

An NXT name will be making their Wrestlemania debut in the battle royal. Of the 4 likely contenders, who do you favour?

Either Neville or Breeze. Neville has been touted for a main roster debut for some time, he could make a big impact by eliminating the likes of Show, Kane, or Henry. I love Breeze, his gimmick, his in-ring work, his music. He could fit right in with the current mid-card scene.

What about Itami and Balor?

Honestly, I can't see Itami on the main roster anytime soon. He's fine in NXT. He could be Mr. NXT, his trunks match the colour scheme of the show. Balor will be huge. With his gimmick, being chucked into a battle royal without any build won't help, he needs weeks of vignettes and segments to garner hype when the time comes.

Could this be the Wrestlemania where we finally see an interesting Divas match?

I doubt it. Not when the girls down in NXT are putting on solid, entertaining wrestling matches every week.

Speaking of NXT, who are you looking forward to seeing on the main roster?

Balor, Owens, Zayn, Enzo and Big Cass, Charlotte, Alexa, Sasha.

How you doin'?

Diet Soda begins to choke on an errant slice of cucumber, and rushes to the restroom. He has yet to return.

 

[Lowdown]

This is looking like the best self-interview I've ever read.

 

[Diet Soda]

This morning I received an voicemail message from Diet Soda. The twenty-seven minutes of garbled audio consisted of mediocre Iron Sheik impersonations, Diet Soda's personal rebooking of the Invasion angle which included a Diesel vs. Kevin Nash ladder match, and six minutes of silence while I assume Diet Soda was cooking breakfast. In the background it appears Diet Soda is watching Marc Mero and Jacqueline vs. Christian and Sable from WWF Capital Carnage 1998 on repeat. The voicemail ends with Mr. Soda inviting me to meet him at a Costa Coffee in town to continue the interview after last night's abrupt ending.

Last time we spoke we were discussing the Wrestlemania 31 card, but didn't get to Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins, what are your thoughts on this match?

Hang on, I'm the one asking the questions here.

Oh right, sorry, go on.

Okay. Last time we spoke we were discussing the Wrestlemania 31 card, but didn't get to Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins, what are your thoughts on this match?

Randy Orton doesn't have a good record against The Authority at Wrestlemania, with losses against both Kane and Triple H...

Erm... but that was before The Authority angle.

Diet Soda ignores my interjection, it is here I notice he is speaking with his face pointed towards the light fittings and with his eyes closed.

...and I can see the same happening again. Rollins was the breakout superstar of 2014, despite what the Slammys say, and for him, as well as the other former members of the Shield, they need a Wrestlemania moment that isn't just defeating the New Age Outlaws. Rollins has had excellent PPV matches in the past and I'm looking forward to his career reaching new heights. Going over Orton at Wrestlemania will only accelerate his rise to the top. I hope he can do this without interference without Mercury and Noble.

What do you think of the tag-team scene in WWE right now?

Garbage.

Diet Soda spills his Spiced Chai Latte on table, and attempts to mop it up with a pocket sized tissue.

Garbage?

Yes, tag team matches were once a spectacle of Wrestlemania, now they aren't even on the main card. I can't wait for Enzo and Big Cass to appear on the main roster, because they have something the rest of the tag division doesn't. Characters.

In attempting to clean up his spillage, Diet Soda inadvertently knocks over the adjacent table at which two elderly women were enjoying the Daily Mail crossword. A King Charles Spaniel, belonging to one of the two women, becomes incredibly agitated and barks at Diet Soda, who appears to be having a mild anxiety attack. At this point I notice that Diet Soda's coat pockets are filled to the brim with sachets of sugar. The duty manager comes over to investigate the cause of the disturbance and, depsite Diet Soda's repeated claims that he is a "Real American", we are asked to leave. I suggest relocating to the Caffe Nero down the high street, but Diet Soda has already fled.