Can people change?

[Arkham Noir]

I mean seriously change. Not some minor things about their lives, but who they are.Can people change their nature.Think about it before posting, because most will likely say "yes" automatically,but think first.

I'm asking this primarily because there are traits about myself that I really want to change but they are so embedded in my nature that it almost feels impossible. How do you completly change something that you almost have no control over? One example is that I tend to quit things prematurly. No matter how bad I want to do something I always back out. It may make me sound like a pussy, but its really bad with weight-lifting(insert Norcal comment here). But sometimes I want to keep going and my whole brain and body just seems to quit on me and basically tells me this ain't gonna happen.

So do you think people can completly change their nature if they want to bad enough?If so, what does it take? And does anyone have any advice they can give me about manning up and to just stick with things, or is it really just a matter of just growing a pair and doing it.

 

[Navi]

I'm going to say yes and no. Your behavioral patterns and your insight on certain things are what you subconsciously learn as you grow. It's a matter of personal experiences and what you're taught by parents and just life in general.

I've always believed that up to the age of 25-30 you are capable of changing but after that, your way of thinking is so ingrained that it would be almost impossible for you to think any other way. I have seen people change their behavior but it usually takes a life changing experience, like a death, or health issue for that to happen.

Most people I know have been the same for years and will never change. It's not easy to live a lie, and being something your not would really be horrible. I mean you would be on edge all the time. That's why I don't believe in putting on a persona for others. Either you like me or you don't, I'm not changing for anyone.

In your case you have recognized traits about yourself that you don't like, so there a chance that you can change them. But maybe you don't really want to do whatever it is your quitting, otherwise you would keep going. I know that doesn't make sense, but just try to think about it.

Better yet, if you really really wanted to do example (weightlifting) then what's stopping you? The answer is, you are. You have to find the reason why you want to do something so badly but can't find the motivation to get to your goal.

Maybe setting smaller goals for yourself would be a good idea. That way you can do it in smaller increments and the task wouldn't feel so daunting, and if you quit halfway through, it wouldn't seem so bad. I think all of us have something we want to do, but can come up with tons of reason's not to.

 

[Ultra Awesome]

To answer the thread question I will say, Yes, people can change.

Though the only way one could possibly change at all in anything is through one thing. And that thing is DETERMINATION. It’s one thing to say that you are going to change. But it’s another thing to actually try and change. In the world, you have people who are always going on and on about how they are going to do this, they are going to do that, they will accomplish this, and never again do that. Now, [about] 80% of the people who say this never do end up changing at all. Instead, all they do is whine and complain; they never really actually try to do what it was that they originally intended to do. Sure, they might give it a shot at first, but ultimately they will return to their original state without much change at all.

Now why was this? Because they didn't have enough determination to actually accomplish what they intended on accomplishing from the very beginning. If we go by weight lifting, same rules apply. Weight lifting is really not ment for everyone. There are not that many people that will actually stick to lifting weights and carry it on as a hobby or adapt it in their daily life. The simple reason is because weight lifting takes alot of effort and energy to do. You have to dedicate a lot of time as well---stretching, working out, eat healthy, etc.---all of these take up time and dedication---In a sense, determination.

The average joe [if the were to start lifting weights] would really only spend maybe a month or two lifting and then stop because either they got too lazy or just said, "Fuck it, I'll get to it later." The reason this occured was because the said person was not dedicated to lifting weights. This person probably was into the idea of weight lifting, but psychologically speaking, he really wasn't into spending all that *precious* time in "PUMPING IRON". Therefore, he wasn't determined to actually lifting weights. Now had this person been determined, he WOULD have done everything it took to keep up his weight lifting and ultimately adapt it to his everyday life just as quite a few of us have.

In the end, it all comes down to whether you are actually determined to change or not. Whether it be weightlifting, quiting smoking, being a better person, getting better grades at school, etc etc, all of these things take time and effort; and if you don't have the time and effort to do any of these things, then you don't have the determination to change.

 

[SalvIsWin]

This kind of gets at a bigger issue of nature vs nurture - what portion of you as an individual is shaped (currently and prior) by your environment, and what has been influenced by your genetic code? In terms of your actual question, the examples you have given would lead me to suggest yes, I don't know of any actual biological reason you wouldn't be able to change any of the following. Your habitual actions or situation that causes such actions might be influencing factors that one change more difficult than another, but 'nature' is such a subjective and vague term that you couldn't answer one way or another definitively.

One thing that I can say is that there is more about you that is influenced and ingrained into you by your prenatal environment than you might initially think. I think a majority opinion would be that your environment is the most influential part of you and your individuality, but there are a lot of behaviours for example that are biologically set prenatally that cannot be changed.

There is growing evidence to suggest that hormonal imbalances within your prenatal environment can lead to homosexuality. The evidence is far from definitive, but there is a growing proportion of studies that verify and bolster this view. People react to stress differently than others for example, how much cortisol you produce, how your body actually reacts to it, etc - all of this is just a part of who you are. The point with stress reactivity being that if you react poorly to stress, that could be a legitimate reason why you give up easily on things that are going to be tough, such as quitting smoking, losing weight, changing your habits, and things of the like. It isn't something that will definitively prevent you from changing who you are, but there is definitely more at play than your mental state.

The last thing you should do is use something like I wrote above as a reason why you aren't able to make positive changes in your life. Being content with your inabilities because of external reasons is highly correlated with a lack of effort on future things, as you can probably imagine.

The best personal advice I can give you is to look up motivation strategies, such as telling others what you plan to do, and make up a plan for how it's going to be done. Any one can sit at home as decide, "I'm going to stop X, or start Y... tomorrow", and if you're the only one who knows about it, you're less likely to stick to it. Look up some others things like this that can help you stick to what you want to do and actually follow through. Good luck.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

People can change, but I think it takes more than our own willpower to do so. Change, in my opinion, can only come from external influence. Whether it be falling in love, having a child, or having a near-death experience, these are the things that can set us on a different path and compel us to adopt a totally different lifestyle and set of habits.

I'd say the only thing permanently set after a certain age is your level of initiative. You may not be able to motivate yourself to do much, but it's unbelievable what people besides yourself can get you to do.

 

[Arkham Noir]

People can change, but I think it takes more than our own willpower to do so. Change, in my opinion, can only come from external influence. Whether it be falling in love, having a child, or having a near-death experience, these are the things that can set us on a different path and compel us to adopt a totally different lifestyle and set of habits.

I'd say the only thing permanently set after a certain age is your level of initiative. You may not be able to motivate yourself to do much, but it's unbelievable what people besides yourself can get you to do.

This has never crossed my mind, but the more I think about it, your right.People are usually motivated by outside forces the strongest. Whether it be someone going insane because their parents beat them as a child, or someone wanting to better themselves for the people they love.

Thanks tdigle

 

[Davi323]

hell, all you have to do is keep it within the world of wrestling to be able to answer this question with a resounding yes. By all accounts, both the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase and Shawn Michaels were extremely selfish, self-absorbed individuals who routinely partook in the excesses of a celebrity lifestyle. Both men womanized, drank heavily, etc. We all know the stories. But, both men completely changed their lives around, did a complete 180. Both became born again Christians, DiBiase even became an ordained minister. There is something to the outside influences, but I think you have to first recognize the harmful behavior within yourself, and want to change for your own sake. If you don't really want to change, a spouse, child or other outside influence isn't going to matter. There is also a big difference between external change, merely acting the way you think others expect you to, and internal change, where you act the way you think you should, for no other reason that its the right thing to do. When I see DiBiase and HBK, I see two men who are radically different men now compared to who they were. Shawn Michaels now and Shawn Michaels then are polar opposites. That kind of change can't merely be superficial. It was genuine.

 

[LSN80]

Yes, people can change, but they have to be motivated to do so. With a caveat though, because I think that those traits that defined them will always be there, they will just be things they consciously make a choice not to act upon.

Motivation is the key to everything we do in life. If there's a compelling enough reason to change, I believe that most people will. Say my wife believes I have a temper, and it's gotten bad enough that she's ready to leave. You better believe that Im going to do everything in my power to surpress that temper, and change the way that I am with not only my wife, but with other people. Why? Because I don't want to lose my wife and my marriage.

I still feel that deep down, that temper will always be there. But the more I work on it, it becomes less and less of an issue, and it's much easier for me to keep under control. As a result, Ive changed. So to answer your questions.....

So do you think people can completly change their nature if they want to bad enough?

No, I don't believe that someone's nature can change. I believe that people can change their actions and pattern of behavior, but their nature is always there. Its simply a part of who they are. It doesnt necessarily mean that its a monster inside that can come out at any time, I believe that through work it can be supressed. But it will always be there.

If so, what does it take?

It takes motivation. Like you said, how bad do you want to be different? How badly does the addict want to stop using? If they truly do, they'll go through whatever steps it takes, no matter how painful or difficult. The desire will always be there, but they'll have the strength to no longer give in to it. It really comes down to motivation. One became a certain way for a reason, because they were motivated to do so. Who's to say that same motivation can't be used to change those patterns? In your case, whats going to be motivating enough for you to NOT quit?

And does anyone have any advice they can give me about manning up and to just stick with things?

I had a similar conversation with Gribbler, and IC25 about his desire to quit swearing, and Ill give you the same advice I gave him. Bribe yourself. What do I mean by that? Let me explain.

I work with children, having a masters degree in marriage and family therapy. Often when i work with families with children with behavioral problems, the parents are at their wits end. So what i do is I have them set up a set period of time, say a week, for the child to stop that behavior. And if the child is able to stop the behavior for that period of time, they are given something, be it money, or a video game. i don't condone this type of bribery long term, as it blurs the line between being rewarded for good behavior and downright spoiling, but if done over a short period of time, it can often radically change that child's behavior.

So my advice to you is, in whatever u want to change, bribe yourself. Find something you really like and enjoy, but dont get to do often. Or withhold yourself from doing it, until you've gone a certain amount of time without engaging in said behavior. A good friend of mine did this with shoes. She wanted to change a behavior, and every week she went wthout engaging in it, she bought herself a new pair of shoes. Do something similiar with yourself. Hell, buy yourself shoes if you like.... The point is, find yourself something that you want bad enough, and use that as your motivation for changing.

Or is it really just a matter of just growing a pair and doing it?

Nah, man, thats easier said then done. Habits and behaviors are hard to break and take alot of work and support. Find what motivates you, and a support system, preferably people who will keep you accountable on a CONSISTENT basis to change. Its not an easy thing to do, and it's a humbling process. But its possible.

 

[LigerBomb]

Of course people can change, psychologically speaking the idea of changing one's behaviours and actions are the basis for the very real and practical concepts of classical and operant conditioning, deprogramming, etc.

Without going into personal detail, I was fat, got thin, then got (semi-)muscular. I did it by educating myself on topics such as exercise, nutrition, and psychology. In the end all it took was modifications of said behaviours, change of environment, recognizing and dealing with poor decision rationalization and planning for the inevitable times when I would be less motivated. Most of all though it was learning via discovery that consistency was the key. This last bit of course was the hardest part as it only comes with practice.

I'm going to address this from a mental perspective. I could give you a healthy diet and exercise plan but you would still have to choose to do the work required. None of which would change your habits. So instead lets talk a minute about the concepts of rationalization and recognition:

Rationalization is a type of self-defense mechanism. Basically, rationalization involves creating false but seemingly plausible excuses to justify unacceptable behavior. Essentially, you're lying to yourself to make yourself feel better or to relieve guilt. You already know what you're doing is the wrong way to behave and you already know you have to change that. But you simply can't.

But here's the power of recognition: once you're aware of rationalization, it can be very hard to keep doing it. And once you stop doing it, it's amazing how quickly you start to achieve your goals.

Rationalization is potentially the single biggest roadblock in a person's way when he or she is trying to accomplish a goal or change so called "bad" behaviour. We always seem to have a good reason to skip a workout or eat something we know is bad for us. We're not lying to others about why we're doing these negative things; we're lying to ourselves.

To make it clear here are some examples of rationalization related to diet and exercise:

"I had a good workout today. I can go to the Chinese buffet tonight."

"I simply don't have time to exercise."

"I've had a rough week. I deserve a big meal."

"I'll start going to the gym next month, once my exams are through."

The latter example is a special form of rationalization you could call justified procrastination. To procrastinate means to put something off until a later date. Justified procrastination is when you put something off—like starting an exercise program or a diet—but rationalize the delay.

Sometimes, there may be a real reason not to start a program, but for the most part, the time to start any training program or diet is now. There is great power in immediate action. Ninety-percent of delays are merely justified procrastination, and you must learn to recognize it and squash it. Rather than far off futures and distant pasts, realize then, that your life is a just a string of "now" moments in quick succession.

As for methods to change or avoid such thinking, I'm reminded of the Singer rubber band trick. Sports psychologist Dr. Jack Singer has a useful trick he uses to help athletes recognize and remove, negative thinking patterns. What he does is have them wear a rubber band around their wrist. When they catch themselves having a self-defeating thought like "I choke under pressure during the game" they snap the rubber band on their wrists and replace the negative thought with a positive one such as "I excel under pressure."

Even if that statement is untrue at the time, the action helps them to reprogram their mindset and improve their performance. Over time it also acts as a conditioned stimulus to reinforce and create a positive mental state.

You could use this same trick to defeat rationalization. Example: A group of friend want to go out to a movie but you've already planned on going to the gym after work/school. You catch yourself thinking, "Well, one missed work-out won't hurt; I'll just skip eating the junk food at the theater. And besides, I don't want to be rude by turning down my friends."

Once you see that you're making a weak rationalization to justify cheating on your program, quickly snap the rubber band on your wrist and think, "That's an example of rationalization. I'm too strong of a person to do that to myself." Then go and keep your original plans. Better yet plan out your schedule and meet up with your friends at a time, and with an activity, that doesn't conflict with your program. For example you could ask "How about we go play a game of basketball or train at the gym together then get a bit to eat?"

Finally, remember that defense mechanisms like this are often defined as "largely unconscious" or "semi-unconscious", therefore they feel impossible to beat as it's just "who you are". Instead realize that rationalization and other self limiting behaviour can ultimately be recognized and defeated. In fact, they must be; you'll probably never succeed otherwise.

 

[Arkham Noir]

I want to thank all of you for putting in the time to give out so much helpful information. I really don't know how to express how much this all means to me.I'm going to use alot of this advice from now on.

Thank You.

On a sidenote, alot of what has been written here is really amazing,intelligent stuff and I'll never again let people tell me wrestling fans aren't intellegent , although that's a different subject for a different time, you've all proven that accusation wrong.

 

[Calderownz]

In terms of quitting things prematurely, it's simple. You have to start at the basis of what makes you quit. Negativity. You think that's it's a waste of time, or only think of the bad things that could come with this completion.

You have to be able to reason with yourself and realize that you have to stick to certain things. It's a medical exercise that you have to go through. Over and over. Let yourself know that it's not going to matter if you fail or if it's a pain in the ass. You have to stick to it. Practice on little things. Anytime you just want to quit, just continue. Let yourself see that even if your hesitations were correct, nothing horrible happened.

As far as other things, depending on what they are, they can certainly be changed. It just depends on how badly you want the change to take effect. There as certain traits that will always remain, but you control a lot more than you'd think.

 

[Ferbian]

I don't see why people could NOT change? Like Mister Awesome said, it all comes down to being determined to change. Change is possible in every thinkable way. Change of looks, attitude, everything.

Some things might take more to change than others, but it's all doable things because of the fact that we're used to adapt to new situations. Something which change becomes vital as well. Constantly living in the same cycle of life will ruin the full potential of what can be done. Changing if you ask me is the epitome of evolving to something better, or in some cases, something worse.

Change is possible, and it doesn't really require much. Just a will power equal to the amount of change and how important the change is to ones life. Obviously changing from one type of clothing to the other doesn't require much will power, but something like dieting, working out etc. requires more will power and determination to drive yourself to that point. But it's all something which exists within us, and which means that it's definitely possible.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Anybody can change if they desire to see that change happen. As human beings we are capable of virtually anything we are determined enough to do. Want to change something about yourself? Great. Figure out a way to make it happen, and then do it! You actually DO have control over most of the things you do, say, or think. If you think you don't, then you just need to work on that. Sometimes it takes getting a friend or someone you trust to be accountable for seeing you go about making the change happen. So, yes, people CAN change if they truly desire it enough because we have the power to do anything we really want to do.... It's just a matter of how badly you want to change in the first place.