Richard Blonoff
Make America Rassle Again
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Connor: Welcome to Ascension 96! Hot off the heels of a newsworthy Meltdown we have Live Mas taking on the newly returning Dr. Zeus and John Doe in our main event!
Cohen: Not only that but both the Eurasian and Elite X champions are in singles action, I haven’t been this giddy in quite some time.
Connor: And with Lethal Lottery almost here who knows what surprises-
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Connor: What is this?
The WZCW World tag team champions Flex Mussel and Ramparte appear on stage to a mixed reaction. They can be seen dressed up to the nines with Flex wearing a suit tie with his sleeves strategically cut to show off his muscles and Ramparte wearing an all-white suit and gloves.
Cohen: I take it you didn’t get your invitation, makes sense considering you were always one of the people doubting the true talent of Cerberus. Well you can no longer doubt them now, after yet another successful title defense on Meltdown they are now the longest reigning tag team champions in WZCW history.
Connor: While that title defense has been marred with controversy I do have to admit Cerberus has indeed made history this week, but that leads to me to question what exactly they’re doing out here now.
Cohen: Oh I don’t want to spoil the surprise, just watch Cat.
The first two heads of Cerberus enter the ring strangely without their title belts or Eve Taylor and soon procure two microphones to address the audience.
Flex: Greetings WZCW universe! I sincerely hope you’re having a fantastic day. I know Ramparte and I are, especially considering all that’s happened for us in the last couple of days.
Ramparte: Yes Flex it has indeed been a remarkable twenty four hours for us. If you haven’t heard and I’m not sure how you wouldn’t, but Cerberus is now the longest reigning tag team champions in WZCW history!
The Catalyst’s comments receive great applause by the audience but there are still some boos mixed in. The champions pay that no mind however as they continue on with their speech.
Flex: Now who would have thought a year ago today we struggled to even get our hands on the tag team titles let alone keep them longer than any other team to ever step foot in this ring; and while most of the people in the back, sitting in this audience, and those watching at home doubted us there are a few that had faith that Cerberus would reach the pinnacle of success. So while Ram and I myself do of course deserve most if not all of the credit for this accomplishment we thought we’d take this time to have a Cerberus celebration to not only congratulate ourselves but the few that help get us to this point.
Ramparte fishes around for something in his pants pocket and eventually pulls out a list that he gives to Flex and both men look at it before addressing the audience again.
Ramparte: Despite all our problems in the past we’d like to thank Young Justice for being great professional rivals. We’d like to thank Los Magnificos Dragones for being a team we aspired to beat so much we ended the career of Amber Warren-
Flex: Apologies for that again babe-I mean…Amber.
Ramparte: We’d like to thank Hard Metal Penetration for showing us that to truly become one of the greatest teams of all time we needed to step our game up to dangerously violent levels.
Flex: We also wanted to thank Everest for giving us our shot in this company and helping prove to the fans that we’re not bad people just…rough around edges at times.
Ramparte: And last but certainly not least we wanted to thank the person who means the most to us and couldn’t be here without. And I think that person knows exactly who they are.
Cohen: How can you not love Cerberus right now, such down the Earth guys, I wonder who they’re going to thank next.
Connor: I think it’s pretty obvious that it’s the third member of Cerberus who helped them retain the belts recently…
Flex: We’d like to thank each other.
Ramparte: Without you Flex I’m not sure I ever would have learned how to conduct myself in a such a cutthroat social environment and thrive to the best of my ability.
Flex: And without you Rambo I’m not sure I ever would have become the wrestler I am today.
Ramparte: Thanks for being my best friend Flex.
Flex: Best friends till the end buddy.
The tag team champions publicly embrace in the ring with some fans applauding and others both uncomfortable and sick to their stomachs.
Connor: Are you tearing up Jack?
Cohen: *Sobbing* No! It’s just so beautiful though…
Ramparte: Flex there’s one thing we’re forgetting though.
Flex: You’re right Ramsy, today is the dawning of a new era. With all the tag teams we’ve killed and the marvelous reign as champions that we’ve had Ram and I thought it would be best to revamp what the WZCW Universe knows as the tag team titles.
Ramparte’s butler Morley can be seen walking down the ramp holding two bulky objects hidden in black cloth. He enters the ring and hands one each to Flex and Ramparte.
Ramparte: We’ve done away with what you used to know, not feast your eyes on the new titles that will now be permanently associated with, the “Cerberus Era”.
The champions take off the black cloth on each title belt revealing the new design for all to see.


Cohen: Just pure perfection…
Connor: Wow, they’re really going all out here…
Ramparte and Flex ascend the top rope and raise their respectively different looking tag team titles high in the air in celebration. Eventually they come down and meet back in the center of the ring to once again address the audience.
Flex: This wouldn’t be a celebration however if it was just Cerberus in the ring, we’d like to invite out two men who I guess in some sense of the word you can call a team, and also consider themselves to be best friends. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Live Mas!!!!!
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The crowd erupts as Matt Tastic and Mikey Stormrage appear on the ramp and high five fans as they come down the ramp, enter the ring, and procure microphones of their own.
Connor: This should be interesting.
Flex: Gentleman I’m glad you can make it but let’s cut to the chase. Now last week on Ascension my partner Ramparte had an interesting encounter with you Matt Tastic where you said something along the lines of Cerberus has never beaten Live Mas.
Tastic: No they have not.
Flex: Well correct you are amigo, you’re the one team Cerberus has never truly had an encounter with and soon enough that will be rectified.
Mikey & Matt laugh at Flex saying something similar to rectum.
Stormrage:Wow. You guys have changed slightly. You're funny now! This is great! Honestly if this was the Cerberus of a couple months ago we expected you guys to duck us, ambush us and avoid defending your belts.
Ramparte: Well if this was the Live Mas of a couple months ago Tastic would be World Champion and you would be helping him keep the belt.
The crowd lets out a big “OH” as Mikey seems caught off guard by Ramparte’s backhanded insult.
Flex: That was a little disrespectful don’t you think Ram…
Tastic: Well I wonder who he got it from; didn’t you once accuse Haven of selling drugs to adolescent fans?
Flex: Look I’m not going to lie and say Cerberus hasn’t used shortcuts in the past but if you’ve been watching the last year you know we don’t need any extra advantage to crush the competition.
Stormrage: That’s interesting considering that if it wasn’t for Eve Taylor you guys wouldn’t have the won the championships the first time, and you wouldn’t have retained on Meltdown.
The crowd lets out another “OH” as this time it is Flex becoming a bit irritated.
Ramparte: Someone seems a little jealous that there is now decisively a better tag team than Strikeforce. Mad that your one accomplishment is now invalid?
Tastic: Look we’re not denying all that you two have accomplished but we have to question just how instrumental Eve was in the title match on Meltdown.
Flex: Since that seems to be the hot topic in the locker room let us be clear and say that we have no idea why Eve made our match for the titles, nor do we know why she turned her back on elegANT. We haven’t exactly had much contact with her lately, but regardless of that let me assure that with or without her as the opposition, Ramparte and I were walking out with those belts, just like we will at Lethal Lottery.
Tastic: You know I’d be more inclined to believe that if it didn’t seem like you were more preoccupied with Eve and your Russian plaything.
Flex is now visibly angry with Tastic but before he can respond he’s interrupted by-
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Cohen: This is getting so juicy.
Connor: You’re like a teenage girl Jack.
Eve quickly walks down the ramp microphone in hand and immediately gets in the face of Live Mas.
Eve: Let’s get some things straight, what’s happening within Cerberus is none of your business, and if there actually was anything happening do you think I would have helped them retain their belts. The truth is we’ve all just been really busy lately, and while we wish the three of us could cuddle at night like you two do we’ve got priorities. And while Ram and Flex’s is to beat you two and truly destroy the tag division, mine is to beat your former partner Mikey and become the new Elite X champion.
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The Elite X champion appears on the ramp and quickly enters the ring with microphone in hand.
Howard: Those are some interesting aspirations Eve, and while they are commendable I’m afraid they just won’t happen. Now I could honestly care less about the tag team titles right now but you have a better chance at helping your boys out of another tight situation than beat me for my championship. So why don’t you focus on keeping Flex’s head out of the nether regions of Russia rather than challenge me, it would be a better use of your time.
Howard drops the mic with a cocky smirk and attempts to leave the ring but as he’s halfway between the ropes Eve shoves him off the apron knocking him to the floor. Mikey attempts to stop her from continuing an assault but Ramparte cuts him off and they go face to face. Howard then gets up and pulls Eve by the foot under the bottom rope and the two begin going at it outside the ring. Flex quickly drops his belt to go over and help her but Tastic cuts him off. The bodybuilder then shoves the former World champ who falls back in Ramparte turns around shoves Tastic again which leads to Mikey shoving Ramparte and before we know it Live Mas and Cerberus are all trading blows!
Cohen: Pandemonium I love it!
Connor: We’re definitely going to need to help separating this one.
Becky Serra appears on the ramp directing dozens of security guards to get down there and separate all six competitors as Eve and Howard spill out into the crowd, Tastic and Flex pound away at each other in the corner and Mikey and Ramparte roll around on the floor. Eventually after a few minutes of pure mayhem the security guards separate all six people and Serra has security guards hold back Live Mas and Howard as they forcefully remove all three heads of Cerberus.
Connor: What a chaotic way to start off Ascension, we’ll be back after this break folks.