Barbosa and S.H.I.T sit in unfamiliar territory, unfamiliar for S.H.I.T certainly, Barbosa has probably had more than one encounter with a couch, usually in a horizontal position while someone takes notes of his outbursts.
They are on the set of Breakfast with... This weeks edition title Barbosa and Scaled Humanoid Industrial Technology, for reasons unknown to the Machine they were unwilling to use its acronym, not that S.H.I.T cares, Humans and their foibles.
Sitting on chairs to the right hand side of the pair are the male and female hosts of the show, both blonde, wearing the appropriate smart attire, with the fixed grins of people who work together but don't particularly get on. The camera's are ready to roll and the studio audience have taken their seats.
"I can't believe he actually always wears that box," said the man, through his gritted smile.
"If you'd done your research you'd have known this already," the woman retorts, hissing through her clenched teeth.
The man just grunts as a reply,
"and that other one, he keeps grinning at me like a lunatic." He indicates Barbosa, who sees the motion and returns it with a manic grin and a wave.
"We'll be going live in five..." The off camera voice of the producer cuts in.
The audience start clapping, the lights come on and the pair of hosts put on their best fake laughs as Barbosa waves for the camera and S.H.I.T looks if anything, slightly bemused.
"Hello, and welcome to Breakfast With... We have an exciting show lined up for you today, later on Chris Pearson visits local cat sanctuary owner Agnes Myrtle to discuss her... Unique range of meat produce." He strains as he has to lean forward for the autocue,
"and Kerry Daniels asks 'why do pornstars make us feel so inadequate?'... Reall? At this time of day?"
"I doubt it takes much to make you feel inadequate Ryan," the woman chips in, both eject gale force fake laughter.
But first our morning guests are two familiar faces in the WZCW landscape, both making a big impact in recent months with their unique personalities and brand of wrestling."
She looks to Ryan to add something, but he just stutters in confusion and she plows on.
"So, without further ado, let me introduce Barbosa and Scaled Humanoid Industrial Technology."
Barbosa waves again, while S.H.I.T pipes up
You may refer to this one by its acronym to make the pronunciation easier.
Another gust of fake laughter from the woman while the man furrows his brow in confusion,
"not on this show, I am afraid." She says.
"S.H.I.T? What's so bad about... Oh my!"
"Yes, thank you Ryan."
S.H.I.T is easier for Humans to pronounce.
"Yes, thank you..."
We prefer to call him Poo!
An awkward silence follows, which being the superior hostess she is the woman moves to fill.
"Live television everyone," more forced laughter. Apart from Barbosa and the ever stoic S.H.I.T.
"Now, I spoke to you both before the show started..."
"Oh yes, I expect you made sure they were both thoroughly looked after."
"Well that is my job Ryan..."
"Oh its your job is it?"
"Yes, it is my job," she replied, massive plastic smile beaming out,
"its yours as well, if you can get yourself out of whatever whiskey soaked hole you've found yourself in this time..."
As you were saying miss! You spoke to use before the shows.
The exchange continues while the Machine stares, almost oblivious to the back and forth between the three, as they ask questions to Barbosa about becoming Number 1 contender, the duo's fractious relationship and more, Barbosa continues to answer the questions while S.H.I.T sits, stoic and emotionless, despite prompting from Barbosa and the interviewers.
Destroy!
The trio share a false laugh as the hosts continue to take shots at one another, Barbosa tells of S.H.I.T's repeated attacks that ended up with someone being speared through a cake.
Destroy!
The voice in its head becomes its World, as the inane chatter continues around it S.H.I.T sits thoroughly absorbed. The Female host poses a question to S.H.I.T but the Machine continues to sit in its own little world, Barbosa prompts S.H.I.T with a nudge.
Destroy!
Another, harder nudge.
Destroy! It blurts out, this draws nervous laughter from the hosts.
The nice lady was asking you a question, Poo.
Apologies. It said, returning to its own version of normal,
please continue.
The hosts exchange glances, but the woman proceeds.
"I said, that despite your best efforts to be taken seriously and be a good Champion, something always seems to throw a spanner in the works. Do you think you are really Championship material?"
Barbosa looks at S.H.I.T with something approaching glee as the Machine searches for an answer,
this one does not understand, it has represented the Elite X Title well.
"Play the clip."
Everyone looks toward the sets television as footage of S.H.I.T's attempted shop opening takes place, all references to K.O's inferior genitals are bleeped out and the footage cuts off as the head chop connects, coming back only to show Mr. Magnolian lying prone on the floor and the resulting commotion.
That was a misunderstanding, the Machine said after a long pause.
To recompense Mr. Magnolian for the incident, Barbosa and S.H.I.T. The hosts grimace as the robot meticulously spells out its acronym,
his son shall be given a backstage tour of Redemption by S.H.I.T and Barbosa.
The pair exchange glances,
"okay, how about comments from certain fans and even competitors that people as outlandish as yourself are given preferential treatment?"
S.H.I.T cocks its head,
this one is outlandish?
"Your a guy in a cardboard box, in that video you were wearing gold chains and a ripped, red tuxedo. You were rapping!"
The hosts looks as Barbosa fails to suppress a s******.
Destroy!
Incorrect, this one is an unrelenting destruction machine.
"And the get up?"
S.H.I.T gets up,
there is nothing wrong with this movement.
"The clothes, the gold." He explains.
Necessary!
Another silence as the only movement is Barbosas gaze switching between the trio.
"Okay, lets play the other clip."
Footage of Matt Tastic's expletive laden rant appears on the screen, all necessary words bleeped out.
* Bam! *
Copeland is cut-off mid-sentence as Tastic has turned Krypto over and delivered the Headache Driver! Tastic gets back up and pulls on his hair as he looks down at Krypto. The crowd has no idea how to react as they watch Tastic go to a nearby corner turnbuckle and begin punching it.
Cohen: Woah... didn't see that coming!
Matt gets out of the ring and heads for the announce table. Kicking it and slamming the cover and monitors on it with Cohen throwing his arms up in the air in the background. He pushes the nearby timekeeper and slams his chair down before grabbing a mic.
Tastic: I AM SO SICK OF THIS!! 4 years! 4 years! I've busted my back for 4 years here! Literally busted it! And this is the bullsh*t I need to put up with?! I've done nothing but pour my blood and bruise my body in this ring just to have a damned little midget with green skin beat me and take away my chance at the World Heavyweight Championship?! What the f*ck is this?! I signed up for WZCW and last I checked it didn't stand for William Zanchez' Circus Weirdos. It was WrestleZone Championship Wrestling!! Wrestling! That's what the marquee says, right? Why the f*ck do we have a man with clear psychological issues and in dire need of a shrink competing for the World title?! Why the f*ck do we have an alien running around? Why do we have a doctor who clearly escaped a sanitarium? Why do we have another doctor who drenches his fingernails in odd.... whatever the hell it is and talks like freakin' Snakes from the Powerpuff Girls? Why is there a cardboard robot running around with the Elite X title?! Nobody bats an eye to any of this non-sense?!
The crowd is shocked to hear these words coming out of Matt Tastic's mouth, a guy that the crowd has loved for so long. They don't react with boos or cheers, just discussion and gasps.
Copeland: He is out of line here.
Cohen: What do you mean? We do have a bunch of weirdo's here.
Tastic: For 4 years I've done nothing but be a good boy and do whatever is asked of me. But that's not enough. I'm not gimmicky enough to get a push around here. I'm too bland. Too simple. I don't fit the corporate picture. I'm not what's best for business am I?
Tastic turns to Sebastian Copeland.
HEY COPELAND! AM I NOT GIMMICKY ENOUGH?!
He then turns towards the stage, looking at the titantron.
HEY BIG DAVE! AM I NOT FUNNY ENOUGH?!
There's always been biased for these damn clowns because you people keep cheering them on! Mikey Stormrage had to vacate his Tag Team titles because he didn't have a partner. Why isn't Saboteur vacating the titles? It's the same bullsh*t backstage. It took me 4 years to be made into a road agent. Then I find out that I never had a single mention for a spot. Even though I've never left this damn place. Loyalty! Hard work! All thrown aside for goofs in masks and a damn cardboard robot. But fine. It's clear you people want freaks.
Matt covers his face, dishearted by the loss, but that quickly turns into a sick wide smile.
And if its a freak you want... then its a freak you're going to get!
Matt heads into the ring again and once again attacks Krypto as the crowd begins to boo. Before any major damage can occur, he's interrupted by security who come in to take him and his mic away. He tries to fight them off but they're too many.
I'LL RIP YOUR GODD*MN CIRCUS CLOWNS DOWN!! LIKE THE CARDBOARD CUTOUTS THEY ARE!! HAHAHAHAAAA!!
Copeland: What in God's name has gotten into Matt Tastic?
Cohen: I think he just had a mental breakdown, Seabass. After years of working his arse off for this company, he loses to that pathetic excuse of a wrestler and his dreams of becoming World champion are crushed, just like that.
Copeland: But he lost fair and square. No reason for him to go psychotic. Let's hope that Krypto is okay.
Destroy!
"This man could be the number 1 contender for your Elite X Title at Redemption, what do you think of that?"
None of this speech applies to S.H.I.T. There are three other Humans who could be number 1 contender. When the time comes this one will destroy them. This one is not to blame for Matt Tastic not being funny and having no personality. However, at this time S.H.I.T. will not looks past Garth Black.
"He is your opponent during the next round of shows is he not?"
"You'd know that if you did your research!"
Destroy!
Stress levels in your voices indicate bickering. Enough! S.H.I.T is an ultimate destruction machine. It will destroy Garth Black, it will continue to represent the Elite X Title. Destroying all in its path!
Barbosa stands up as S.H.I.T shuffles back towards the sofa where he is sat,
Destroy! Destroy! Destroy! It flips the sofa over, turning its attention to the hosts, who having seen the earlier footage of the shop opening incident begin a retreat,
Destroy! Destroy! Destroy! It flips both of the hosts chairs over, while Barbosa makes a half hearted attempt to stop its incredibly minor rampage.
The hosts walk to the front of the stage, big plastic grins etched on their faces,
"thats all we have time for a the moment, lets take a short break." Says the one referred to as Ryan while S.H.I.T picks up a plant pot and drops it on the floor, still muttering about its path of destruction as Barbosa looks on.
S.H.I.T exists only to destroy! Is the last thing heard before the camera cuts out.
