Signal Panic, Inc. Presents
Action Saxton & Saboteur
in
"A Fine Day For A Payday!"
WZCW Headquarters: A grand skyscraper scraping the sky, each of its 12,000 windows glinting in the sun. The outside is kept immaculately clean, the parking lot is full of nice cars and one hearse, indicative of their talented and wealthy staff. Through the front door, catering staff, workers, and interns steadily stream in and out through a pathway leading around the perimeter of the building. Lining said pathway is a collection of carefully-trimmed green hedges, cut into carefuly-sculpted shapes such as a rectangle, a big rectangle, and a slightly smaller rectangle.
And hidden inside these bushes were
Action Saxton,
Saboteur,
Garrett,
Alvin, and
Krypto.
"
All right, suckas, the coast is clear," Action Saxton said, lowering his hands from his eyes.
"
You remember the plan, right?" Saboteur asked.
"
I'm going to help you get into the staff elevator and head down to the sub-sub-basement," Alvin said, "
and we're gonna get paid!"
"
Good work, Theodore," Saboteur whispered. "
Remember the codenames."
"
Wh-" Garrett stammered. "
Codenames?"
"
Yes, Garbear!" Saboteur replied. "
Codenames. We can't get recognized by WZCW staff if we use codenames."
"
Saboteur, I-"
"
My codename's Ronin!" Saboteur hissed. "
Garbear, you can't just go calling me 'Saboteur' in broad daylight! That guy in the Subway truck might have overheard!"
"
Sorry."
"
Dark Chocolate, is the coast still clear?"
"
Clear as my fine, smooth skin, sucka," Saxton replied.
"
Good."
"
What's my codename?" Krypto piped up. Saboteur turned to face his alien buddy and sized him up.
"
You can be..." He paused, thinking. "
Crypto."
"
My name is already Krypto."
"
No, not Krypto! Crypto!"
"
I do not understand."
"
Look, nevermind," Saboteur said, throwing his hands in the air. "
Dark Chocolate, do you have our disguise?"
"
You're damn right I do," Action Saxton replied. From his back pocket he retrieved a very large, bright pink cardboard box. The rest of the gang stared at it.
"
What is that?" Alvin asked.
"
This, sucka," Action Saxton said, "
is one of the most damn important things I have ever owned. It was given to me on the battlefield during my time as a secret agent by my comrade-in-arms, Solid Dave. This is my Love Box."
"
A...love box?" Garrett asked.
"
Damn right. This sucka saved my ass from becoming grass on many occasions, and it also gave some ass in the tall grass, can you dig it?"
"
It's roomy and inconspicuous," Saboteur said. "
Once we're under this thing, we'll look like a completely normal cardboard box. We can use this to follow Alvin to the staff elevator and no one will even know we're there."
"
It's perfect!" Alvin exclaimed. "
Everyone, get under the box. We're going in."
There is a mad jostling as the crew-sans-Alvin push and shove against each other to get inside the box.
"
When I give the signal, go."
"
Don't order me around, Theodore," Saboteur said from under the Love Box. "
I'm the guy calling the shots in this heist."
"
It certainly is roomy inside this cardboard contraption," Krypto said.
"
Only the best for Action Saxton, sucka!" Saxton said.
"
Can we get this over with?" Garrett groaned.
"
Okay, guys," Alvin said. "
Let's go."
He strolled down the path, as the Love Box jerkily followed behind. The many pairs of legs swung to and fro as the cheerily whistling Alvin pushed the large front doors open. He walked to the reception desk, the Love Box following behind.
"
Hello and welcome to WZCW Headquarters," said the large receptionist in a floral dress. Her voice sounded like a sick tuba. "
What is your business here today?"
"
Hello, ma'am," Alvin said politely. "
It's me, Alvin. You know, I work here. I'm the intern."
"
Oh, yes," said the receptionist, peering over her glasses. "
Good to see you. Are you aware you're being followed by a pink cardboard box?"
Inside the box, all five men inhaled deeply. Alvin tugged on his collar and cleared his throat.
"
Uh, yeah!" he stammered. "
Yeah! This is, uh..."
"
Brad Pitt in a box!" hissed Saboteur. "
Receptionists love Brad Pitt!"
"
...new WZCW superstar, The Box!" Alvin finished.
"
Darn it, Theodore!"
"
The Box?" the receptionist asked.
"
Yeah! Uh, new wrestler, uh, Tyrone wanted to see the guy before he got put up against the review committee. He even has a great catchphrase!"
He tapped the Love Box with a foot, nervously.
"
Can you tell," Saxton said, "
what The Box is packing?"
"
So, yeah, Tyrone thinks this guy is destined for big things, so, uh..." Alvin trailed off.
After a moment, the receptionist leaned back. "
Go ahead, boys," she said. "
Staff elevator is down the hall to the left."
"
Thanks," Alvin said, and hurried down the hall, the Love Box following behind.
After a few moments, the gang stopped in front of a large, silver elevator door. Alvin looked to the left, and then to the right.
"
Okay," he said, "
the coast is clear."
With a very loud groan, the men and alien threw off the Love Box and stretched. Action Saxton reached down and put the box back in his back pocket before joining in the stretches.
"
Guys, we don't have time to stretch," Alvin hissed. "
The doors are open! Get in!"
"
Shouldn't we have stayed in the box if we're going to have to sneak past the guards in the sub-sub-basement?" Garrett asked, getting inside the elevator.
"
That's crazy-talk, Garbear!" Saboteur said, standing next to Garrett. "
Action Saxton can't do his 2 Finger Throat Chop inside a Love Box!"
"
Yeah, sucka!" Saxton said, standing in the back. "
Well, I probably could, but there are plenty of other things I would prefer to do with my two fingers inside that box. Throat choppin' is pretty low on the list, you dig?"
The doors closed, and the elevator started making its way down, past the lower floor, past the basement, past the sub-basement. After a few moments of uncomfortable elevator silence, Alvin looked around.
"
Hey," he said. "
Where's Krypto?"
----
"
It certainly was nice of WZCW to install a special elevator for my species' use," Krypto said to himself as he used his alien screwdriver to open the air vent next to the elevator. "
That is certainly progressive of them in a way I did not expect of humans."
The cover fell off with a loud clang, allowing Krypto to slide into the square hole in the wall. He wriggled forward, onto the slope of the vent, and started sliding.
"
Oh, what fun!" Krypto exclaimed, slip-sliding away. "
WZCW certainly has changed since I was first hired!"
----
"
He's gone!" Saboteur wailed. "
Gone forever, and it's all my fault!"
He sobbed into Garrett's shoulder, who was awkwardly patting him on the back. Saxton glared at his tag team partner.
"
Dammit, sucka, we can't get like this now!" he said. "
You know as well as I do that that goofy alien jive turkey has an excellent sense of direction. How many times did we mail him to Abu Dhabi, only for him to turn up again?"
Saboteur disengaged from Garrett. He giggled. "
Yeah, we did that a lot. We should do it again."
"
Don't worry about him, sucka," Saxton continued. "
He can take care of hisself. Right now, we got a job to do."
"
We'll be at the sub-sub-basement in about ten seconds," Alvin said. "
Be ready."
Action Saxton and Saboteur nodded at each other and got into battle stances, Saxton raising his fists and Saboteur his tranquilizer gun, Garrett and Alvin retreating to the back. The doors opened.
"
Stick 'em up!" yelled Saboteur, pointing his gun at the back of a guard who had been standing just outside the doors. The guard yelped and stuck his hands in the air. Saboteur nodded, and the rest of the team sneakily moved past the two. Once they had moved on, Saboteur squeezed the trigger, and the guard fell to the ground, snoring. Saboteur put the gun back into his spandex and walked to the side.
In the other room, Saxton squatted and snuck up behind a guard.
"
C'mon, sucka," he whispered, holding out two fingers. "
C'mon..."
He straightened up and with a loud kung-fu yell chopped the guard in his throat with two fingers. The guard went flying and hit the opposite wall, falling to the ground with a thump.
There was a loud noise, like a very short siren, as all the guards turned to look at our heroes.
"
They've spotted us!" said Alvin. "
Emergency maneuvers!"
"
Okay!" said Garrett. He curled into a fetal position and hid in a corner.
"
Garbear is down," said Saboteur. "
Looks like it's just us now."
"
It'll be just us when we take on those suckas SHIT and Barbosa!" said Saxton. "
Ain't none of these suckas gonna get no peace!"
Saboteur unloaded with his tranquilizer gun as Action Saxton ran the perimeter, knocking out guards left and right. Alvin hung back, cheering on our heroes, and Garrett just cried. After several intense minutes, the final guard dropped.
"
This was even easier than I thought it was gonna be," said Saxton, breathing hard.
"
It almost seemed a little too easy," Saboteur replied.
"
My research indicated there would be one more guard than this," Alvin said. "
Everybody stay alert!"
As soon as the words left his mouth, a loud clinking noise echoed throughout the basement. The clinking grew louder and louder, echoing inside our heroes' ears. It was the sound of spurs on concrete, taking measured step after measured step.
The figure making the noise started at one side of the cavernous room and stopped in the middle, directly under a spotlight. He wore a long black trenchcoat, had long grey hair, and black gloves. He pointed at Alvin.
"
Brother!" he exclaimed. "
It has been so long!"
"
Simon!" Alvin gasped.
----
Krypto crawled along the metal tunnel, listening to the banging coming from all directions.
"
I must say, this elevator is cozy but inconveniently long," the alien said to himself. "
I would think that upward movement would be automatic."
The vent started leading sharply upwards as the alien wrestler continued to crawl. The banging and crashing on the outside seemed to be getting further and further away as he moved upwards.
----
"
That is right!" Simon said. "
It has been quite a while since we last spoke, Alvin! Four years, if I am correct! Four years since I joined this infernal company, three since I was sent down here to rot!"
"
Sucka, what the hell is he talking about?" Saxton asked Alvin.
"
My brother Simon was an intern in WZCW, just like me," Alvin replied. "
One day, they reassigned him, and I never heard from him again."
"
That is right!" said Simon. "
And while you were gallivanting about WZCW offices making friends with the wrestlers, I was forced down here to live in the dark and the cold! But no longer. Prepare youself, Alvin! I shall kill you and take my spot as WZCW's greatest intern! And I will never enter the darkness aga-"
Simon's impassioned speech stopped very abruptly. After a moment, he keeled over with a creaking noise and crashed to the floor. Alvin and Saxton looked over to see Saboteur holding his tranquilizer gun in front of him. He looked over at his teammates.
"
Man, that guy was boring!" he exclaimed. "
C'mon, get Garrett, I bet the vault's just up ahead!"
Action Saxton nodded and picked up Garrett like a football, walking forward with the rest of the gang. After twenty seconds of walking, they stopped in front of a wall. Attached to the wall was a very, very tall ladder.
"
The vault's at the top of that ladder," Alvin said.
"
Let's conquer this sucka," said Saxton. He cracked his knuckles, seized a rung, and started to climb.
----
Krypto's trip through the air vent had ended rather abruptly when it dumped him in the middle of a very large and dark room. After making sure nothing was broken, he held his hands out in front of him and started feeling his way around. The ground made a strange, glassy clinking noise wherever he stepped. Finally, his hands found a large, tubular metal object. He felt it for a bit, and then reached inside of his jumpsuit to withdraw a Flashlitron 2000. He turned it on to see what the large object was.
It was a nuclear bomb.
----
"
Damn, nothin' like a good workout, right?" said Saxton. The other three wheezed in response. The climb had been long and arduous, but they had finally made it. Right in front of them was the fabled WZCW Vault. The door looked about as heavy as Hollywood Jameson after a night at the Golden Corral, as shiny as Krypto's spaceship, and as impenetrable as Armando Paradyse.
"
So this..." Saboteur panted, "
is where we go to the next stage of our plan."
He dug into his spandex and withdrew a large metal cylinder. He placed it on the door.
"
I don't know how Krypto's alien technology exactly works, but from what I hear I think you just have to push..."
Saboteur leaned forward with all of his might, pushing the cylinder against the vault door. He strained and strained, and finally was rewarded with the sound of fifty loud beeps and whirs as every electronic defense shut down. He bounced back, panting, and pointed at the door.
"
Garrett, go pick the locks!"
"
I told you, I don't know how to-"
"
Go!"
Garrett withdrew a coathanger and an ice pick from his pockets and gingerly stepped forward. With trembling hands, he moved his tools to the first lock.
He paused, and looked over his shoulder at Saboteur.
"
Remember what I said," Saboteur said. "
Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A."
Garrett looked at the locks. His hands started to shake even harder.
----
Krypto stared at the bomb.
"
I am glad I remembered to pack my Coremulator 4000," he said, holding up a large, green object. "
The core of this contraption will surely provide power for my spaceship, and I'm sure RJ will also appreciate it."
He started to set to work on removing the core of the nuclear bomb, placing the Coremulator 4000 on the side and pushing. After a moment, he paused.
"
I must wonder why humans are keeping a nuclear bomb here."
He shrugged, and went back to pushing.
----
"
C'mon, Garbear!" Saboteur yelled. "
Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A! Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A!"
"
I can't handle the pressure!" squealed Garrett. He tossed the lockpicking tools into the air and went back into the fetal position.
"
You suckas are being too soft and taking too long!" roared Saxton, tearing off his shirt. "
Stand the hell back! I got this!"
He put his fists up, drew back, and punched the door with all his might, tearing it completely in half.
"
No!" Alvin screamed. The gang's eyes grew wide as the large atomic bomb that had been perched at the top of the vault fell down. It was as if the entire world was in slow-motion, as everyone ducked, covered, and the bomb hit the ground with a clang.
Nothing happened for a long time. Finally, a green head poked itself out from behind the bomb.
"
Hello," said Krypto. Saboteur's masked eyes grew wide.
"
It's worse than a bomb!" he exclaimed. "
It's a Krypto cloning machine!"
"
Naw, sucka, that's just Krypto!" Saxton said.
He turned towards the vault.
"
But nevermind that alien sucka, we got untold riches to behold!"
The Badass Brother flexed and pulled apart the doors. What they saw made their jaws drop.
"
Is that..." Garrett said.
"
...malt liquor?" Alvin finished.
The vault was filled from one side of the wall to the other with bottles upon bottles of the finest malt liquor. The bottles of the amber-colored liquid paved the floors and papered the walls.
"
We did all that, and there isn't even any cash inside this thing?" Saboteur groaned. "
I'm starting to have some serious regrets."
"
Nevermind that, sucka!" whooped Saxton. "
We gonna have a party tonight!"
----
Several hours later, Action Saxton raises an almost-empty bottle high in the air.
"
I just- I wanted to toast all you suckas," he said. "
You suckas are the best damn suckas I ever had the pleasure to be suckas with."
In a corner, Krypto snored in agreement, the thirty bottles surrounding him shaking and clinking.
"
We're going to beat SHIT and Barbosa!" said Saboteur.
"
You're damn right we are!" said Saxton in agreement. He drank the last of his alcohol and threw it back into the vault, where it landed on the other empty bottles. "
You see, we may not have gotten the money for a strategy guide, but I say we showed that we can handle five guys working as one just as good as Barbosa, and we can handle our cardboard just as well as SHIT. And when it comes to throwin' down, ain't nobody gonna beat the best tag team in the business!"
Alvin gave him a thumbs up. Action Saxton continued.
"
So you listen up, suckas, and you listen up good! Me and Saboteur, we just got done with the training of a lifetime, and we are focused and ready to lay the smack-dab on all y'alls asses. We are the Badass Brother and the sucka whose name starts with S! We are the best damn tag team this company has ever seen! Through the thick and the thin, all we do is win! We are Action Saxton and Saboteur, and when we get on a roll, so do the heads! When we get down, we take suckas to town! And when we're in the ring, we- we- We wrestle, suckas! That's what we do! That's what we do!"
With a cheer, Action Saxton reaches in and grabs another bottle of alcohol. Another mission accomplished for Action Saxton and Saboteur.
