Signal Panic, Inc. Presents
Action Saxton [size=-1]and Saboteur[/size]
in
"Therapy Throwdown" Part 2
The sun is high in the sky as it shines down on the Australian outback. It's blazing hot, hot enough to fry a dingo. It's so hot the spiders the size of Action Saxton's rippling muscles are panting and sweating, begging for relief from the heat. It's so hot, almost everyone on the continent is inside, even if the only channel they get is showing a "Best of Daemonic" marathon. It's damn hot.
But it isn't hot enough to stop those two smooth-walkin', jive-talkin' suckas known as Action Saxton and Saboteur! Their borrowed Jeep speeds across the rough ground, bumping and jumping and throwing the two men around in their seats, the fuzzy dice hanging on the mirror flying every which way. Saboteur stares reproachfully from under his floppy wide-brimmed Australian hat at Saxton, who is cool as a cucumber as he sings loud, soulful songs about how the team is going to whoop Team Australia's ass. He turns the wheel a little too sharply, causing Saboteur to bump up and down in his seat.
"Watch how you're driving, will ya?" he says.
Action Saxton chuckles and jerks the steering wheel in the opposite direction, causing the tassles on Saboteur's hat to flop around violently.
"Be careful with that thing, sucka, Saxton says, eyeing the tassles with a degree of wariness. "You'll put an eye out. Why are you wearing such a goofy hat, anyway?"
"It's authentic. You were the one saying we need to train for Team Australia by being as Australian as possible."
Action Saxton considers this.
"I did say this. Good work, Saboteur. Do you know where I can find a hat like that?"
"This was the last one in that tourist trap we stopped at a few miles ago. It wouldn't fit over your afro anyway."
"Damn, sucka, that is a good point. I would not want to hide my luxurious 'fro from the ladies. I'll have to eat five Vegemite sandwiches instead of four for lunch today."
The two drive along for a while, bumping away as they draw closer to the building in the distance.
"Is that where we're headed?"
"Got that right, sucka," Action Saxton replies. "Uncle Dolan's Kangaroo Library. I'm sure they have a suitable kangaroo for us to wrestle."
"They'd better."
---
"What the hell do you mean you don't rent out kangaroos?"
"I'm sorry, mate," says the shopkeeper, Jim O'Klock, "but our kangaroos are not for lending."
"Sucka, is this or is this not a library?"
"Mate, it's not that sort of a library." Jim shrugs. "Besides, we only have one kangaroo left, and he's a toughie."
Action Saxton sighs and throws up his hands. Gathering himself together, he leans toward Jim.
"Look, sucka, I am going to appeal to yourbetter nature and tell you why we are here. You see, the kangaroo is the national symbol of Australia, alongside the giant spider and the sucka in that movie about the blue alien creatures. We are Action Saxton and Saboteur, and-"
"I know who you are!" interrupts Jim. "You two are my favorite WZCW superstars!"
Action Saxton and Saboteur look very chuffed, despite themselves. Jim continues.
"Seriously, mates, I love watching your work, but I just can't give you a kangaroo, even if it's to train for your match. Especially if the kangaroo is Roger here."
Saxton crosses his arms, looking mean. Saboteur looks around the kangaroo library, thinking. Suddenly, he fishes into his spandex and withdraws...
"We have a library card."
Jim takes the card from Saboteur and stares at it. It seems to have come from a sandwich shop somewhere, nine holes lining the bottom, with a picture of Saboteur in large glasses and a polo shirt taped clumsily over the top corner. "LIBERRY" is written on it clumsily in crayon. After a few moments, Jim nods.
"So, a kangaroo, eh? No worries. No worries at all."
---
Behind the kangaroo library, Action Saxton finishes setting up the wrestling ring he found in the Jeep's trunk. Saboteur spars with the air as Jim drags Roger out from the kangaroo library and puts him in the ring.
"Is that kangaroo wearing boxing gloves?" Saboteur asks, warily.
"Yep, mate, he is," replies Jim. "I wouldn't want to be the man to fight this tum-tigger, not for all the Subway sandwiches in Australia. He's a professionally-trained boxer, Roger is."
"What a coincidence," Action Saxton says, smirking. "So am I."
He turns to Jim and Saboteur.
"Now listen up, suckas!" he barks. "Sab, you and me are gonna make our tag team debut against Team Australia. That sucka Justin Cooper's been around a while, but he made his mark in the Mayhem division, not in actual matches. He also has a dumbass haircut, and people with dumbass haircuts are usually too busy worrying about their dumbass haircut to worry about the match. Now Greaves, I don't know anything about Greaves except that sucka is new. We will crush that sucka with our combined experience. They should be easy pickings...
...If we can defeat this kangaroo."
Saboteur and Action Saxton stare down Roger as they enter the ring. Jim takes his place ringside.
"Team Australia is nothing compared to this kangaroo."
"That's right, sucka. If we can pin a kangaroo, the animal that represents Australia the most, alongside the koala and Men At Work, then we can pin the wrestlers that represent Australia the most. Team Australia is going to find out that we are Action Saxton and Saboteur, and we are Team..."
Action Saxton's impassioned speech trails off. He looks at Saboteur for the team name, who shrugs.
"...we'll get to thinking of a name later. Jim, ring the damn bell!"
Jim rings the bell, and the match starts.
---
After twenty minutes of intense kangaroo-wrestling action, Action Saxton lands a hard shot to Roger, sending him into the ropes. Action Saxton runs backwards and bounces off the opposite ropes, hitting Roger with a huge clothesline. It's not enough to send Roger to his feet, however, so they repeat, Action Saxton hitting another huge clothesline, running off of the other ropes, and hitting a shoulderblock that send the kangaroo crashing to the mat. Roger staggers to his feet, looking groggy.
"Now!"
With a yell, Saboteur jumps from the top turnbuckle and connects with Roger's head, the throwback connecting. He lays on top of the kangaroo as Action Saxton counts the pin.
Jim rings the bell and the two teammates stand up. They stare at each other for a moment before Saxton nods and leaves the ring. Jim grabs Roger and takes him back, Action Saxton not far behind. Saboteur celebrates for a moment before following the two men inside.
---
"Damn, sucka, that was one hell of a match," says Action Saxton, chuckling. He and Saboteur are back in the Jeep, the tassles on their matching floppy hats swinging wildly with each bump in the road. "And it was nice of that kangaroo-keeping sucka to let me have this goofy hat."
"I agree," Saboteur agrees, nodding in agreement. "Team Australia had better watch out."
"You're damn right. If it leveled that kangaroo, imagine what'll happen when we hit Justin Cooper with the Saxton Smackdown! He'll go flying out of his boots!"
"I thought we were going to name it the Saboteur Sweep."
"No, I'm pretty sure it was the Saxton Smackdown."
"Saboteur Sweep."
"Saxton Smackdown."
"Saboteur Sweep!"
"Saxton Smackdown!"
The two friends continue to argue as their Jeep bumps across the terrain, their floppy hats flopping floppily all the way.
