Signal Panic, Inc. Presents:
Action Saxton & Saboteur
in
"Real Real MMA"
"Why are at the Electronic Arts Development Labs?"
"Because, sucka, we need to train for our match!"
That's right! It's time for another adventure starring those two ass-kicking super-fantastic jive-suckas known as Saboteur and Action Saxton! Our heroes are standing outside the EA Sports Development Studio in sunny Los Angeles, California, where the sky is blue and the girls are pretty. Saboteur paces in front of the gates, wondering what their next plan of action should be.
"How are we going to train for this match by going to EA?" he asks, tracing a line in the sand with his steps.
"It's simple, sucka," Action saxton replies. "Strikeforce knows about two things - Mixed Martial Arts, and videogames. If we want to win, we're going to have to brush up on both."
"And how do you know EA will have both of these things?"
"Because, sucka, EA Sports is where they make their mixed martial arts videogames. Two birds. One stone. But it'll have to be a really big stone in order to knock down that sucka Stormrage."
Saboteur ponders for a moment.
"Okay, you're right," he says. "This is the perfect place to hone both our MMA and our videogaming skills. Now we just need a way to get in there."
"It's your lucky day-" Saxton starts to say, but Saboteur is in plotting mode, and when he starts plotting, he is deaf to the world.
"Okay, so what we need to do..." Saboteur crouches down into the sand and starts drawing a diagram, "is go through the fourth-story air vent in order to find the passageway to the Tester's Room."
"Sucka..."
"To get there, we need to dress like giant donuts. Well, I should. You can be inside the box of donuts that I say I want to deliver to the company president."
"Sab..."
"I hope you can make yourself that small. So I go up to the gate dressed up as a friendly donut with my box, and tell them that I was sent by the Friendly Donut Company. CEOs love donuts, trust me, so they should let us in without saying a word."
"Sucka, listen."
"Once inside, I duck into the women's bathroom after putting on a wig to fool any women who may be inside relieving themselves. You hop out of the donut box - if there are any guards who see you, shout 'Surprise, m'sucka!' and they should be too starstruck at seeing the guy from Dexter to stop you."
"Saboteur, shut up and let me talk!"
"Once I've infiltrated the secret passageway under the fourth stall, you make your way to the break room and press the button behind the fridge. This will lower the drawbridge surrounding the moat, allowing us to meet at the rendezvous poin-"
"God dammit, Saboteur!" roars Action Saxton, ripping his shirt off to reveal another one underneath. "Shut the hell up!"
Saboteur falls silent, looking hurt.
"Good, now that you've stopped talking..."
Action Saxton reaches into his pocket to withdraw two passes that read "ACTION SAXTON" and "SABOTEUR". He passes Saboteur's one to him.
"These, sucka, are passes to test the latest MMA game that EA is developing. I called upon a few of my connections, including the CEO you were so eager to give donuts to."
Saboteur frowns at the pass.
"But I thought the donuts were a good idea..."
Action Saxton chuckles and claps Saboteur on the shoulder. "They were, but they are unnecessary for this operation."
"Well you didn't have to be so mean about it..." grumbles Saboteur.
But Action Saxton is not listening. He puts his pass around his neck and heads over to the front gate. Saboteur sighs and follows, slowly. By the time he's caught up with the Badass Brother, Saxton has already charmed the gate into opening. The two go forth, pushing the giant doors of the studio open with ease.
"Wow."
Action Saxton can't help but agree with Saboteur's sentiment as they step foot inside EA's studio for the very first time. The place is massive, with sleek marble walls and plush red carpeting. Doors leading every possible way out of the room line the walls, and tastefully inoffensive paintings of sheep and landscapes are spread nicely at strategic intervals along the marble.
A young man in a purple suit and top hat walks up to them. He smiles at their tester's passes.
"Well hello, Action Saxton and Saboteur!" he trills, leering at their chests. "How very nice of you to join us!"
"Can the formalities, sucka," barks Action Saxton. "We want to go to wherever you're developing the new MMA game."
The purple man looks quite affronted, but one look at the tester badges shuts his mouth. He sighs, and turns on his heel.
"Very well. Follow me."
Purple Man leads our heroes through a door on the left side of the room, and down a spiral staircase that leads them through fifty basement floors. Halfway down, Purple Man grabs a torch from a bracket in the wall and holds it aloft, the firelight cutting through the darkness. Our heroes continue to follow him down until they reach the end of the stairs, where the firelight illuminates a large underground lake.
"Take this boat across this lake," says Purple Man. "There you will find the secret room where we develop our mixed-martial-arts videogames."
He holds out a sword.
"It's dangerous to go alone," he says. "Take this."
Action Saxton takes the sword and stares at it for a moment, before throwing it into the lake. The Purple Man jumps and looks incredibly offended.
"But why would you do this?" he asks.
Saxton chuckles. "Come on, sucka," he replies. "Does it look like we're alone to you?"
"Plus, what can hurt us? We're just going to go test a game."
The Purple Man looks like he's going to say something as Saxton and Saboteur climb into the boat and set off across the lake, but merely shakes his head and stares after them, looking very menacing.
Inside the boat, Action Saxton stretches out on the deck. The vessel seems to be moving of its own accord, as neither of our heroes managed to find an oar. It's all right, though, for the boat knows where to go as it approaches the opposite shore, stopping just in front of a large metal door marked "Tester's Area". The two men look at each other for a brief moment, before nodding and pulling open the doors, which creak loudly.
"You'd think they'd oil the hinges," whispers Saboteur.
"Maybe they want to make this part extra-ominous," Saxton whispers back.
The two step into the darkness, and the doors slam shut behind them. After a brief moment, a light turns on, illuminating a videogame console, a television, and two controllers. Saxton and Saboteur each take a controller and sink into the extraordinarily comfortable armchairs in front of the television.
"What's the first step of our training, Saxton?"
"First, sucka, we gotta make ourselves."
Three hours later, after exploring the extensive create-a-fighter system, the game contained perfect replicas of Action Saxton and Saboteur. Well, almost perfect.
"This damn game can't get my skin right," grumbles Saxton. "I am more of a dark-chocolate-pudding-prepared-by-moonlight-at-four-in-the-morning, but this game's made me look like a milk-chocolate-pudding-prepared-by-moonlight-at-three-in-the-morning."
"Yeah," Saboteur agrees. "And my spandex looks like the spandex I once gave a hot wash. Wouldn't like to fight wearing that thing."
But despite the game's technical limitations, the two agree to have a match. Choosing their avatars, they set to work, to practice some real real MMA.
---
Saboteur makes his way into the octagon, looking around curiously. So, a cage match, he thinks to himself. This will be easy. As the sound of funkadelic horns signal the arrival of Action Saxton, Saboteur continues to plan his victory strategy.
Action Saxton in the meantime is playing to the crowd. He stares at the octagon and the fire of fight is in his eyes. That sucka won't know what hit him when I unleash my kung-fu, he thinks to himself. And licking his lips, he walks up the ramp and enters the cage.
Okay, Saboteur thinks as the bell rings. Okay. Think, Saboteur. What you need to do is escape the cage. Okay, so you walk up to the cage an- Wait, why can't I climb? Why aren't my hands responding? Why do I keep punching the chain? This is a cage match, right? This is a ca- OOF!
His thoughts are cut off as Action Saxton hits him with a huge right hand, knocking Saboteur down. Saboteur immediately stands up, however, and the two start exhanging blows. Saxton's educated feet are too much for Saboteur, however, and the spandex-clad superhero is soon trapped in a corner. All I have to do is knock that sucka out, and I will win.
Oh man, I can't jump onto the corner! Saboteur thinks to himself. What stupid kind of game doesn't let you jump on the corner to do a Super Saboteur? They need to fix this glitch. If we see Purple Man I'm going to tell him of this horrible oversight and- Ouch!
Taste my lightning, sucka! thinks Saxton to himself as he strikes Saboteur with a massive boot. Saboteur goes down and Saxton with him. He draws back a fist...
A bell rings. The referees separate the two men. What the hell is this? thinks Saxton, looking around wildly. Rounds? How the hell are you expected to knock a sucka out if you all keep getting breaks?
Rounds? Saboteur thinks. What kind of sport is this if you can't wear out your opponent by dodging? What kind of game doesn't let you win by escaping the cage? This is stupid.
You can't do anything fun in this game, grumbles Saxton to himself. You have to follow rounds if you want to knock a sucka out, there are no ropes to run off of, and I can't even use my best moves! This is dumb as hell.
---
In the real world, the two look at each other and nod in agreement. They shut the game off and head back out of the testing room and into the boat.
"That was nothing," says Saxton.
Saboteur agrees. "Do you think we're ready for our match?"
"Hell yeah, we're ready," Saxton replies. He turns to the darkness. "The thing about what we did was that it showed us both that MMA and videogames are both not wrestling. Wrestling don't have no rounds unless it's a very special match. Wrestling lets you pull outyour best moves and get the hell out of cages. Wrestling lets you actually do stuff. MMA isn't a real fight. Videogames ain't a real fight. Wrestling, now that is what's real."
He turns to Saboteur.
"You and me, sucka, we live in the real world of real fights. We've kicked ass all over the country, all over the continent, all over every continent, both as a team and one-on-one. We are two badass suckas who know how to fight and how to work together. It don't matter if we know MMA or if we know videogames, because at the end of the day we are the fastest and the strongest that WZCW has to offer."
He turns back to the darkness, which is slowly being cut by the boat's headlights. You can see the shore in the distance.
"That said, today's exercise showed us exactly how our opponents work. They will be tough competitors, but that don't mean they know strategy and flash like we do. We destroyed our opponents last week. We will take our opponents this week to the edge and push them over it. Their goofy-ass MMA and their goofy-ass videogame rules won't be able to stop us. We play by no one's rules but our own, and that is why we are the best damn team in WZCW.
We are Action Saxton and Saboteur, and together, we are team...
We are team...
Well, what the hell, we'll think of a name later! We are team Action Saxton and Saboteur, and we are going to kick ass!"
Saboteur and Action Saxton high-five and loudly exclaim "YEAH!". They pause and look at their hands.
"...Why did we do that?"
"Saboteur, there are mysteries in life that cannot be explained."
This seems like a perfectly good explanation, so the two men walk up the stairs, past the Purple Man, and out the door, ready for their tag team match.
