Things haven't been going great for Action Saxton and Saboteur as of late, acquiring a losing streak as a tag team since the Lethal Lottery. They'll have their work cut out for them as they take on a team that has been on a winning streak since they joined forces and consequently have earned themselves a spot for the Tag Team Championships as Kingdom Come; Strikeforce. This will be the rookies first time competing outside of Aftershock: will they be able to compose themselves and deliver another impressive performance or will SaboSaxton finally catch a break?
Deadline is Tuesday, April 17th at 11:59 PM Central Time.
Two straight wins, and this time we got a win over that blowhard Ace Stevens, man things are looking up. I gotta find James, why are we always getting separated backstage, oh I bet we have an interview, maybe I can go find Kensworth.
Leon, Leon! Ugh, he has to be around here somewhere.
I ask the catering guys and a few of the ring crew if they have seen James or Leon, nobody has seen either one.
I pass the bathroom and decide I need to quickly bleed the lizard. When I walk in I see Leon standing at one of the urinals taking care of his business.
Leon, my man, I have been looking for you, are you ready for the post match interview?
I'm kinda busy right now Mikey, besides James said something about some TV show doing your interview this week.
Well have you seen him? I swear I need a leash for him when we are backstage.
Did you check the locker room? I saw him head in there talking on his phone.
I pat his back before walking out Thanks man.
I can hear liquid hit the floor and look back at Leon, who has turned around and has urine on his shoe and lower pant leg.
Uhhh...sorry about that man, I gotta go.
I quickly turn around and head to the locker room. Hopefully James and I can get our own locker room soon, I'd love to have Rose and Dinah hang out with us to help kill time. Rose being afraid of that "robot thing", as she calls it, refuses to be backstage. Plus I'm getting sick of fighting over the TV each and every show. Is it too much to ask to play Battlefield backstage?
....yeah we will be there for sure, thanks for the invite mate.
What was that all about dude?
James hangs up his phone and sits down to take off his wrestling boots.
It was some secretary at the local TV station, they want us to give an interview.
No shit, thats awesome. Why do they want us though? We are still on Aftershock each week.
Well for one, we just main evented and won a match on Aftershock. Two, we just beat the current and former Mayhem champion and three....
...They want us to review the most recent Resident Evil game? Because honestly that game is bad.
James places his face into his palm, an all too common occurrence with Mikey lately.
No, they want to have us since we are going to Kingdom Come to face off against Runn Reynolds Runn and B.L.T.
When did they announce that?
About the time you left to go to the bathroom.
I had to poop!
You also spent twenty minutes in there and when you came back your DS battery was dead.
Leave me alone, I get bored.
James just laughs a little to himself when both of our cell phones start to go off.
[YOUTUBE]_wMFOL_sAPk[/YOUTUBE]
Did you change your ringtone?
Yes I did. I answer while reading the text message that has just come in. I change it periodically. Text messages are Run DMC, phone calls are still MLP.
I read over the text, James confirming he received the same one.
Interesting opponents this week, Saboteur and Saxton.
Yeah, yeah a superhero and a blaxploitation star, nothing we can't handle. Did you see the other news?
I stopped reading after the opponents, what did it say?
Dude we are going to Ascension for the first time! That means a better paycheck, more recognition, chances to get invites to video game release parties.
Do video games even have release parties?
I'm not sure but I will find out soon enough when I get invited to them.
To just be you, even for just one day, would be a trip.
I smile at him slyly You couldn't handle being me.
James laughs a little You know what, you are probably right about that. Anyway we need to get out of here, we have that interview tomorrow and we need to start going over our match. Are you ready to go?
Yeah about that, I need to make a quick stop to pick some stuff up to help us out next week, so I will just take a cab home.
Ok, sounds fine by me. Don't be out too late.
James walks over and puts an arm around me.
Ok dad I promise I won't be gone all night.
I roll my eyes at him after the bro hug and he heads out. I finish changing into my street clothes and start walking down the road to the local comic book store.
Things have really changed fast. At the start of the year I was just a fat guy who played way too many video games and watched too many movies, now I'm in the hottest tag team in WZCW and have become great friends with James. Hell I've made a lot of good friends, Ricky being a big one. Its going to be such a treat to get to step into the ring with he and Reynolds. I mean it could be Reynolds last match, what if James and I win and take the titles home that night and spoil his goodbye? What if Ricky hates me because I play a part in taking his titles? No, no, I am looking way too deep into this.
When I finally arrive at my destination I head straight to the comic section first.
Is there anything I can help you with?
I turn around to see the store owner and he doesn't look happy to see me coming in so late in the evening.
Yeah, I need as many Deadpool and Deathstroke comics as you can carry. Oh and do you sell old movies?
The owner points to the back corner while he begrudgingly heads over to start stacking comics.
Hmmm lets see, oh definately have to get Shaft. What else..Ohh Blacula and Blackenstein, gotta get those for sure. What else do we have here?
I realize I probably look out of place, white as a ghost, wearing a Silver Surfer shirt and plaid shorts, and talking to myself while picking up 70s blaxploitation films.
Oh shit Foxy Brown and Cleopatra Jones. Ok one more should do it. Oh hell yes, Dolemite.
I head to the register, stopping to pick up a couple of Grifter comics as well.
Is this all for you?
The owner sounds less than pleased
Oh and these too.
I place a King Sized Snickers and a Pepsi on the counter. James will kill me if he sees me eating this, so I better do it before I get back to his house.
I finish paying and eat my candy bar on the cab ride home. When I get in James is on the couch looking over tapes of the match between RRR and Saboteur and Saxton last week.
Good thinking, we can watch these tomorrow, tonight though we train my way.
I jump over the back of the couch and dump my bag of goodies out onto the table.
James looks at me, an equal mix of shock and disgust on his face.
Did you really go out and buy comic books and...and...I don't even know what these are.
He picks up one of the videos and looks at me
Remind me again why I team with you?
Because I'm awesome and I did pick up the win in our first tag match against B.L.T.
I smile and nod my head
Ok I can't deny that but why did you pick all of this shit up?
This shit, as you call it, is our ticket to winning this week.
I put my fingers together and pop my knuckles, starting to act cocky.
This is my realm this week man. Training, nutrition, money management since you are so incredibly rich for some reason I don't know, and scaring my mom because you sound funny are what you are good at.
I pick up some of my schwag, This stuff, games, movies, comics, this is my realm. This week we are taking on two guys right out of my realm.
He briefly closes his eyes and exhales This isn't you running some e-fed or organizing a guild raid Mikey, this is the big time. We are on the cusp of becoming world champions. We are the hottest tag team in the world right now, we could grow into the best tag team in the world. I know you want it. I can see the look on your face when the fans cheer you. When that little kid asked for your autograph last week, you almost cried. Girls that wouldn't give you the time of day before are flashing you in public and dying to be with you. I know you enjoy it.
I look down then back at James
I do love it. My whole life I have wanted acceptance and I finally have it but I can't quit on what got me here. I wouldn't be in this organization if I didn't play a video game one day, thats what got me here. I take a drink of my Pepsi and clear my throat. You have always been naturally gifted, look at you man. You are the shit, I look up to you. You have everything I have ever wanted in life man. You have been here, on the cusp of greatness, and I know you don't want to blow it again, but trust me, I'm not going to let us blow it. If it was anyone else I would let you take the lead but you have to trust me.
I pull out some of the comics
Look this is Deadpool, and this, this is Deathstroke. They both remind me of Saboteur. He never takes off that costume, I think he may be crazy. I mean damn, he kidnapped his best friend. Focus on the Deadpool comics, there are a lot of similarities.
James looks at the pictures in the comic and then at Saboteur's roster page. He rubs his chin.
Well I can't deny they look alike, maybe you have something here.
Oh and watch out for those katanas, I'm not sure if they are real or not but it will be pretty damn hard to finish a match without a head. I start to itch my beard, Though I could use a shave.
Do you think he is a real superhero?
I look at James perplexed.
You are starting to sound like me. Of course he isn't a real superhero, he is just a guy in a costume, but he thinks he is a real superhero, which honestly scares the hell out of me.
The two of us rummage through some more comics before we turn the conversation to his partner.
What about Saxton? He seems like he could be a legit threat.
He is, everyone we face is a legit threat, but Saxton is no joke. Dude is big and strong and will whoop your ass you jive turkey.
We both start to laugh a little.
So how to we deal with him?
Well first we need to watch Shaft.
Why do we need to watch Shaft?
Because its a damn good movie and I haven't seen it in years.
James shakes his head.
Do you ever take anything serious? We have a duty to the fans and ourselves to be at our best man.
Well its my duty to please that booty.
I stop and start to stammer
Well not your booty, but women's booties. Actually not women because I have a girlfriend and I love her and....you know what just watch the damn movie ok.
The movie is going to tell us how to beat Saxton?
Well sort of. The thing with Saxton is that he is one bad mutha...
...Shut yo mouth.
We look back to see Dinah walking from the kitchen with a glass of water.
You boys having fun?
Tons of it babe. You know how Mikey is.
I'm a riot.
I say smiling at her. She mentions that she is feeling sick to her stomach again and is going back to sleep.
Is she ok, she hasn't been feeling well lately?
Probably just some bug she picked up but if she isn't feeling any better by the weekend I will take her to get checked out.
I nod my head in agreement.
Anyway on a serious note, back to Saxton. If we can upset him somehow it should throw him off his game, maybe even get himself DQed and we can get an easy win.
Well how do you propose we piss him off?
I rub my chin thinking.
I got nothing, maybe we can figure something out tomorrow after our interview.
I stand up and start to stretch and yawn.
What time do we need to leave anyway?
They want us there around 11. Rose and Dinah made sure to get our clothes are cleaned so we are all ready and everything. They have been getting along very well.
I'm sure they follow the example set by us.
I grab James from behind and put him in a sleeper hold. We struggle back and forth momentarily before he is able to break my grip.
You are getting better my friend.
We share a grin as he stretches.
About time we get to bed don't you think, I know if you don't get ten or eleven hours of sleep you are going to be cranky.
I will shortly. I have to get a quick workout in.
I start to pull my shirt up over my head as I head upstairs.
Damn, Mikey Stormrage working out voluntarily, what has the world come to?
He laughs as I shake my head at him from the base of the stairs.
All the gym equipment is in the basement though, why are you headed upstairs?
Oh I got a special workout I have planned with Rose tonight.
I over exaggerate a wink at James playfully. He takes a minute before it finally clicks with him.
Oh hell no, not in my house. No way in hell Mikey, I swear if you do it in this house you will be dead.
I grin devilishly at him.
Well I find that hard to believe because I'm still breathing.
I extend my arms and shrug.
I hate you and I will kill you if we don't win those belts at Kingdom Come.
Don't worry those belts are as good as ours. And hey what can I say, when I get that urge I just have to blow her cartridge and let her play with the joystick until we beat that last level.
That was fucking terrible.
It was pretty horrible wasn't it I have to go out on something better than that.
Do I need to hold your hand and walk you to bed, we have an interview in the morning.
No I'm fine, video games really strengthen your hands. Just ask Rose.
I start to laugh as I quickly get up the stairs before James can retaliate. I can hear him yell at me,
I fucking hate you.
A few hours later I lay in bed wide awake. I wanted to get up but I didn't dare disturb Rose anymore than I already had. As time passed I couldn't fall back asleep so I finally decided to get up. I grabbed my laptop and headed downstairs. As I sat typing away I hear someone coming down the stairs. I crane my neck to see James coming downstairs. He gets a drink and notices me and walks over to sit down.
I figured you would be out cold, he says yawning.
I can't sleep, I'm too nervous. I've been working on some graphics for my new shirt. What do you think?
I shift my weight and turn the laptop toward James and show him the fruits of my labor.
He chuckles a bit.
Could you be a bigger nerd? Putting your face on the Death Star, thats a new one.
I sigh, Cut me some slack, you have your own action figure, I'm new to all this.
James rustles my hair and laughs.
You are gonna get there. Believe me it isn't easy but I have faith in you Mikey.
No, we will get there, we are a team, I would even go so far as to say you are my best friend, whatever we set out to do we can do it together. Starting with acing this interview tomorrow, then winning this week, all the way to taking those belts at Kingdom Come.
I could hardly believe it; a month ago I was in a battle royal dark match before the lethal lottery, an event with thirty guys in one match. Now Mikey and I were going to the biggest event of the year. Strikeforce were going to Kingdom Come. Not only that, we were going to be on Ascension. We were taking on Action Saxton and Saboteur, two guys who were bickering over a spoon. More importantly they were two well-established stars that had lost to Austin Reynolds and Ricky Runn on Meltdown the week before. As I started to think about what lies ahead I got a sharp reminder of what had already happened. Marquels head butt had really dazed me. For a split second I thought he had broken my nose. But never the less, I managed to pin Ace Stevens and give Strikeforce our second win on the bounce, in our first main event, the night we found out we were going to Kingdom Come. It felt great. Alex had called me after the match and wed briefly talked. I told him that the next time we spoke I would be one half of the tag team champions. He laughed. I dont think he believed me. I didnt blame him, my rise and subsequent fall in MMA had been meteoric. I dont think he thought it could happen twice.
We had received a call inviting us to our first television interview as a team and Mikeys first televised interview full stop. The guy interviewing us was called Seth Romero, his show was only local but it was a big deal for us to do any promotional stuff. It was something they saved for guys who had cemented themselves as stars. I knew it was our trial; our chance to prove we could handle the spotlight as the tag team champions. When Mikey and I got into the car it was clear he was nervous, a bead of sweat coated his forehead and he barely paused for breath as he spoke. Ive been meaning to ask you for a while man, where did you get this car? I mean its great, its fantastic, I never thought you would have a super car when we were so low on the card. I can hardly believe were going to Kingdom Come bro. I mean were going to the biggest show of the year. Its~
Mikey, calm down, youre going to pass out if you dont breathe.
Sorry, Im just a little nervous. I know Ive been on TV before but Im yet to actually speak on TV, I dont want to make a fool of myself
Dont panic, as long as you stay calm youll do just fine. This is something that the company has sorted, theyre hardly going to feed us to the wolves when were just starting to make a name for ourselves. I hoped Mikey wasnt paying too much attention; Mikey and I made a living hurting people for money and some journalists just cant help but make their dislike for it known.
I suppose youre right. Ive seen this guy anyway, he had some loon on who thought China had colonized the moon on his show and he didnt ask him any questions to make him look like a bigger idiot.
What are you worried about then? If he didnt tax that guy he wont go after us that hard. We arrived at the studio a little while later, after signing in at the reception we were told to take a seat and wait for a researcher named Jeff. After around twenty minutes a tall, wiry man with horn-rimmed glasses made his way over to us. He was forcing a smile and extending a hand for shaking. You must be Jeff.
Yep, you must be James Howard and this is Mikey Stormrage. He shook our hands weakly. He was afraid of us, or maybe just me. Once again the reputation has jeopardised another potentially useful contact. I wouldnt mind if I didnt feel like teaming with me was indirectly screwing Mikey. Follow me gentlemen, Ill show you to your dressing room. We followed him down a maze of corridors, one after the other. Snaking around what seemed to be the same white cinderblock walls. If it werent for the windows and the stars on some of the doors I would think we were in prison. As we made our way past a seventh water cooler he finally spoke again. So, you guys will have your work cut out for you this week. Saxton and Saboteur are my favourites. Theyre so funny. He paused for a second as though he was giving us time to respond. The instant he heard me draw breath he began talking again. Saxton is going to eat you guys alive you know. Hes like Jim Kelly; Saxton could take on Bruce Lee.
Didnt Jim Kellys character die in Enter the Dragon? Im pretty sure he got beaten to death by a guy in his sixties. I loved old Bruce Lee movies, I knew I was right.
Nope Jeff was being assertive. It suited him like leggings on a fat girl. He talked about Saxton for the next minute or more, stopping periodically to punctuate his speech. I didnt argue with him, Saxton was a great performer in the ring and was one of the guys I was a huge fan of. It didnt matter though, Saxton was an opponent. The game face was on and I did my best to rebuke the points I could. I was starting to get the feeling that Jeff was either lost or trying to keep me talking for as long as possible when he suddenly came to a halt outside of a room marked Strikeforce: James Howard and Mikey Stormrage. Wait, wheres the other guy? Jeff looked around; wed been walking for a good few minutes and this complex was like a maze. Mikey had gotten himself lost. Jeff whined as he muttered to himself about it always losing guests. He opened the door for me and ran off in search of my tag partner.
Hey I opened the door and Mikey was sat in a chair, DS in hand. What took you so long? That guy took us past this room twice. He wouldnt stop talking about Saxton. Talk about a crazy fan.
He just ran off to look for you yknow; and why the hell didnt you tell ME wed passed our room already?
For the lulz Mikey grinned at me apishly. He extended his fist for me to bump. I slapped it away and chided him for moment for leaving me talking to Jeff. Not long after the researcher was back. He opened the door as he gave me an update on the situation.
I tried calling his cell, but it went straight to voicemail. He was still entirely behind the door, but his shadow visibly jumped when Mikey responded.
The battery is flat. The researcher walked into the room and sneered a smile at Mikey.
Good to know. Oh, Id forgotten to tell you about Saboteur. Jeff took a deep breath, but I cut him off before he could speak.
Were on live television in thirty minutes and we know jack shit about whats happening. We on straight from a commercial or are we going to have to sneak onto the set during a vignette? How long is the interview going to be for? What about make-up and getting us our radio mics? As much as Im really happy that youre a fan of Booster Gold and Sweet Sweetback, were kind of on a timetable here. After I had finished my brief rant, Mikey broke the silence by snapping his DS shut.
Jeff, could you give us a minute? He obliged and walked out of the door.
Sorry man, but that guy is doing my fucking head in. Were going to Kingdom Come to take on the champs in a triple threat match and all he can do is talk about Saxton and Saboteur. He wouldnt shut the fuck up about them.
I know and also, fuck that guy, I didnt know
You didnt know what?
I didnt know you knew who Booster Gold was. Or Sweet Sweetback. I could hug you right now
Have you washed your hands? After what you and Rose got up to last night I dont want you touching me unless youve been thoroughly sanitized. Mikey grabbed me and gave me a hug. He gave me a goddamn hug in a dressing room. What was worse was that as he hugged me he whispered in my ear.
No I recoiled at the thought of his unwashed sex hands all over me. The disgusting son of a bitch was going to pay for that. I would have my revenge.
Jeff I yelled. You can come back in now. I fought the urge to dry-heave as Jeff re-entered the room. He rushed us out to make-up. The damn powder they put on made Mikey sneeze. Then we got sent to a tech room to get our microphones fitted and checked. Before we knew what was happening we were standing behind the cameras waiting for our cue. The crew was small but the main cameraman looked in our direction and did Mikeys game over taunt. A producer walked over and gave us our cue to walk on set; we shook hands with the interviewer, who introduced himself as Seth Romero. He was exactly what you would expect from a magazine show host. He had enough fake tan to embarrass Snooki and his hair was greasier than the 1950s. Everything about him was contrived to look good on camera, I felt immediately out of place wearing a hoodie and jeans. Mikey was wearing shorts and another of his Hawaiian shirts, open at the front with a tri-force logo showing through from the shirt underneath. Seth looked at the camera as the producer counted us in.
The camera light was red. We were live. My heart started racing as Seth began his introductions. Welcome back. Now, lets talk about WZCW. Things are really hotting up as they build toward their biggest show of the year, Kingdom Come. My guests are relative newcomers but that hasnt stopped them becoming serious contenders in the tag team division. Please welcome James Howard and Mikey Stormrage, better known as Strikeforce! The Crew clapped and cheered as we were introduced. It was strange, far more intimate than a WZCW show, but it felt better in some ways. Promo work was enjoyable so far. Seth twisted round in his seat to talk to us. So guys, youre really making a splash on the tag team circuit right now. Some people are saying youre the next tag team champions. Even some of the bigger stars have said they think you can beat Runn Reynolds Runn at Kingdom Come.
Its going to be great. Were really looking forward to our first shot at the big time. Mikey was excited, hed come a long way since we got in the car.
Yeah; Ricky said that the stipulation was going to be announced soon. Ive not heard anything yet, but I know its going to be huge. I leant forward hoping he was going to say something.
I can imagine it is. Howard, youre currently unbeaten on television. Do you think you can maintain your streak to Kingdom Come?
Well, I guess so yeah; Ive never lost on TV. This week we have a real challenge though. Action Saxton and Saboteur
Ah yes, they seem to be having some problems and it cost them dearly last week. They could have beaten Reynolds and Runn then you know. Will it knock your confidence going into the biggest show of the year if you cant beat a team that couldnt beat the champions?
Im sure it would if we lost. But we dont plan on losing. When Howard and me get into the ring with the wannabe superhero and Sweet Sweetback were going to bring our A game. Well show everyone that we are going to leave Kingdom Come with the titles around our waists Mikey was in the zone.
Put simply Seth, Saxton and Saboteur are a comedy act. They can go in the ring but right now they dont act like a team. They dont even seem to be acting like friends. Me and Mikey are like brothers. Nothing is getting in our way. Even two guys who can roll with the apostles are no match for an actual team.
So are you saying you think they could beat you in one on one competition?
Thats irrelevant. Look at the European Championship back in 2004. Who won? Greece. Not because they had the best players in the world, but because they were a team. They spent all of their time together off the pitch. Me and Mikey do the same.
With some obvious exceptions. Hi-yo! For a second there was dead air. I dont think Seth could believe what he had just heard. It was lunch time on a Saturday. Kids were watching and Mikey had made a sex joke. Perfect.
Uh... Saboteur is a formidable opponent there. He broke Ty Burnas unbeaten streak and set the world alight in WZCW. Hes been hovering around the world title picture. Im not trying to talk Action Saxton down but surely youre a little concerned about Saboteur. Great, wed annoyed him. I could hear a crowd chanting in my head, telling us how badly wed just fucked up.
Both men are amazing wrestlers. No-one doubts that. But right now theyre not a team. We are. Thats all there is to it. As long as me and Mikey stick together we will walk away victorious. Were just getting started and right now we have nothing to lose. The men with nothing to lose are men you should fear most. We will take the fight to Saxton. We will take the fight to Saboteur. We will take the fight to Reynolds and Runn and BLT and we will win when we go to Kingdom Come. Strikeforce are unstoppable. Were at the top of our game right now and nothing is getting in our way. I looked straight at Seth. Once were in a ring with our opponents Im looking for a spot that I can strike at. Someone once told me that I was like an assassin in the ring and its true. Everyone has a weakness and when I find it, I will punish it.
Wow. Seth paused for a second, ever the showman. I feel at this point it is right to ask what else does the future have in store for Strikeforce?
Well we try to take things one match at a time; though thats a lot more difficult with Kingdom Come on the horizon. For now our focus is on our next match. Theres no point planning a victory party until youve actually won.
An admirable stance. Best of luck with Kingdom Come and with your match on this weeks Ascension. Mikey and I both said thanks, before Seth continued. Now we hand over to our weather man. Brian Tamland. The instant the red light went off Jeff came bounding towards us.
What the fuck guys! A sex joke? Seriously? Are you guys ******ed? We probably lost a thousand viewers in an instant when you did that. Jeff was pushing his luck and he knew it. Mikey had a face like death. He knew hed dropped a bollock and was already kicking himself. Jeff was pushing him over the edge. I didnt know where to look. Should I try to calm Mikey down or should I tell Jeff what I thought. Against my fighting instinct I turned to Mikey.
Dont worry buddy. Did I ever tell you about my first press conference? I was taking on a guy named the Count. Only when I was asked a question about him I messed up his name. In the fight the entire crowd were chanting something at him that was almost his name but not quite. So what if you made a stupid joke. I patted him on the back and he perked up just as the producer started counting back from commercial. With three seconds to go I opened my mouth again. Fuck off Jeff. He had just enough time to look at me and look at Seth, who had covered his face to hide his laughter. When the producer signalled one Mikey and I were ushered out of the camera range and Seth regained his composure in the blink of an eye. Jeff did as I asked as Seth cleared his throat before he began to speak again.
As we left several people approached us in the corridor. They were congratulating us, not for our interview, but for telling Jeff to fuck off. Evidently he was not well liked in the office. We quickly got in the car after being approached by a few fans for autographs. It felt good to be popular again. We got home and hit the gym. The next day I thought about everything that was happening and realised that Mikey and I were rapidly on the rise. Wed dealt with the two most recent Mayhem champions last week. This week we were playing with guys hovering around the main event. I couldnt wait. And given Mikeys laser focus since we won our tag team debut, it seemed that neither could he.
Signal Panic, Inc. presents Action Saxton
In Wrestling With Shadows
Action Saxton is not happy. In fact, hes mad. Madder than a fat guy being denied the last bacon-cheeseburger at the country buffet. Madder than the Mad Hatter on his worst day. Madder than a fan having to sit through an Armando Paradyse match. Mad. It's a wonder steam's not pouring from his ears. It's a wonder his black skin isn't burning red. There are lots of things wondrous about how mad Action Saxton is, but you can be sure that Saboteur isn't going to be feeling very wonderful at the end of the day.
Just a few moments ago, Saboteur had cost Action Saxton their match against Runn Reynolds Runn. While the tag team champions were flippy and strong, things more than likely would have been different if Saboteur had not mistakenly struck Saxton and gotten pinned. But the fact of the matter is, it happened, and Action Saxton is mad.
"What in the blue hell were you thinking, sucka?" Action Saxton roars, kicking open the door to Saboteur's dressing room. The masked man looks up, unsurprised but not looking particularly in the mood for losing an argument today. Beside him is Garrett, out of his cage for once. Action Saxton continues his tirade.
"We had that match won! We could have been in a match where we could have won gold! What the hell kind of superhero makes some stupid mistake like that?"
Saboteur stands up, still not saying anything. It's a bit disconcerting, coming from the normally talkative fellow. Action Saxton pays no attention, still gesticulating wildly as he rants.
"Not only did you cost us the match, you could have done much worse. You could have caused a third world war if a dictator got overexcited while watching this match. You could have caused Nabisco to stop selling Oreos out of sheer anger, and Oreos are delicious. You could have ruined my afro! And when you touch the 'fro, you must go."
There is a pause where Saboteur stares at his hand. Suddenly, he draws back and slaps the Badass Brother across the face.
Garrett gasps. Action Saxton stares. Saboteur turns away. The slap stung. It didn't hurt physically, as Action Saxton is far too badass for a silly slap to hurt him, but what the slap means wounds his ego deeply. Action Saxton glares daggers into the back of Saboteur's head.
"Sab...why?"
Finally, Saboteur speaks.
"That isn't even your own line. And you have something I want."
It is Action Saxton's turn to say nothing. Saboteur continues.
"I've been looking all around the world for it and I know you have it! So give it to me!"
"Sucka, I don't even know what the hell you are talking about."
"The spoon!"
Saboteur points dramatically at Action Saxton.
"I want the spoon! The last spoon I need for my collection! The limited edition Bam Bam spoon, included in boxes of Fruity Pebbles! I need it! I have them all except that one and I need it!"
"Hell no, sucka!" exclaims Action Saxton. "You can't have my spoon! It's my spoon! Why would that ruin our friendship anyway, man? How could you do this? You were supposed to be my friend!"
"There are no friends when it comes to spoons! There are only the Flintstones, and those too weak to follow them!"
Action Saxton closes his eyes and sighs. "Fine. Sucka, how about I propose a trade. I will give you this spoon..."
Saboteur leans forward, excited.
"...in exchange for something of yours."
Saboteur looks a little crestfallen at the lack of specificity in this request.
"Okay. Okay, I'll give you..."
Saboteur looks around the room frantically. Suddenly, Action Saxton has an idea of his own.
"What about Garrett?"
Garrett jumps.
"How about you trade me Garrett for the spoon? I get someone to take on adventures...you get the spoon."
Saboteur looks uneasy.
"I don't know...I kind of like Garrett."
"Then you won't get the spoon. Spoon for sidekick. Is it a deal, or is it a deal?"
Saboteur looks from Saxton to Garrett, from Garrett to Saxton. His head rocks from side to side as the cogs in his head turn faster and faster. He sighs, exasperated.
"Okay! Okay! You have a deal."
"Fine," says Action Saxton. "You get the spoon. But know this: We still ain't square. You better watch your back, because you've messed with the wrong man.
Come on, Garrett."
Ignoring Garrett's protest, Action Saxton drags the sidekick out of the room. Saboteur looks on.
The camera focuses closely on Saboteurs face as he fidgets with something off screen. His eyes are squinted, as if hes concentrating very closely.
Saboteur: Hey Barney, whats wrong with your house? What do you mean Fred?
It is revealed that Saboteur is playing with all 7 of his collectable spoons as they sit in his bowl of fruity pebbles. Happy Days is playing in the background as Saboteur sinks into his crappy couch.
Saboteur:Well theres an entire WALL missin Barn! Oh that! Well what can I say? Bam Bam is going through those terrible twos! BAM BAM!
Saboteur splashes his cereal with the Bam Bam spoon as he mimics Bam Bams voice. In his excitement, Saboteur spills the bowl of cereal all over his crappy coffee table, effectively ending his meal.
Saboteur: Oh well, no use crying over spilt Fruity Pebbles. Ohhh Garrett, I have a mess for you to clean up!
Saboteur waits a few moments before realization sets in.
Saboteur: Oh yeah, thats right, that no good, rotten Action Saxton took him. Oh well, you guys will keep me company, right?
Saboteur looks at his collection of Flintstone spoons, but they provide him little comfort.
Saboteur: Hmph, dont feel like talking today, do ya? Thats okay, I still have my bestest friend in the whole world, TV!
Saboteur looks at the TV, and watches Richie walk into the garage to talk to The Fonz.
Richie: Hey Fonz, I want to thank you for having my back at the fight today!
Fonz: Eyyyy its not problem Richie, what are friends for?
Richie: Im glad we are friends Fonz, it would suck to be a friendless loser.
Fronz: Yeah, like that loser Saboteur. Nobody wants to be friends with him. Everyone that hes ever friends with just runs away from him because hes such a loser!
Richie and Fonz turn towards Saboteur and start to point and laugh. Saboteur quickly grabs the remote and turns off the TV.
Saboteur: Jeeze, what was in those fruity pebbles? Oh well, I know what will take my mind off of things with Saxton: I can discuss strategy for my match with oh wait.
Saboteur lays down on the couch, depressed and lonely.
Saboteur: Im starting to think I made a terrible mistake trading custody of Garrett for a Bam Bam spoon. I wish I had somebody to talk to.
Vell isnt zat vhy you hired me as your therapist?
Saboteur shoots up from his couch and looks towards his armchair, where an exact lookalike of Saboteur, with a monocle, mustache, and notepad, sits.
Saboteur: Who the hell are you?!
I am Saboteur Freud, or course! I am here to psychoanalyze you.
Saboteur: Where did you come from? Does my health insurance cover psychologists?
Saboteur Freud: I came from your imagination of course! You are imagining me because you are a lonely, lonely man, and you need someone to talk to.
Saboteur: Well I am awfully lonely. But if you come from my imagination, what makes you qualified to give psychological advice? My memory is a little fuzzy, but Im pretty sure I never went to college
A bag pops out of thin air and lands in Saboteur Freuds lap. He opens it up and starts pulling out all sorts of certificates and papers.
Saboteur Freud: Vell, you may not have gone to university, but I certainly did! A bachelors from ze University of Hamburg, a PhD from Colombia, a Doctorate from Oxford, and this is me gracing the covers of Psychology Today and Playgirl Magazine!
Saboteur: Playgirl?
Saboteur Freud: Vell psychology books dont just purchase zemselves! But enough about me, lets talk about you, vhat seems to be troubling you my friend?
Saboteur lies back down on the couch without hesitation.
Saboteur: Well, I guess Im regretting giving Action Saxton custody of Garrett. You see, I gave him custody of Garrett in exchange for a collectable Bam Bam spoon.
Saboteur Freud: So you traded your best friend to your ex-friend in order to get a cheap plastic shpoon?
Saboteur: Well when you say it like that it sounds ridiculous, but the commercials said to collect them all!
Saboteur Freud: It sheems like quite ze price to pay for a shpoon. Two friendships and all you get in return is a piece of plastic zat vill live in your kitchen drawer?
Saboteur: Hey, are you supposed to ridicule me or help me?
Saboteur Freud: Im supposed to keep you company. Vhat do I know of psychology? I dont even have a degree!
Saboteur: But you just said you have a PhD and a doctorate!
Saboteur Freud: I made it up to make ze illusion more believable!
Saboteur: Ugh, youre ridiculous. If youre not even going to help me, why dont you just leave?
You wanna see something ridiculous, bro? Watch this!
Another Saboteur lookalike skates into Saboteurs coffee table on a longboard. He crashes and falls through Saboteurs coffee table, breaking it clean in half.
Ooooooh, dude that was SIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!
Saboteur: And who the hell are you?!
The Saboteur clone picks himself up off the floor and dusts himself off. Hes wearing a backwards visor, cargo shorts, boat shoes, and two polo shirts, both of them with popped collars.
Im SaBroTeur, dude. Dont worry about this coffee table, I can TOTALLY pay for it, bro.
Saboteur turns to Saboteur Freud.
Saboteur: Let me guess, another figment of my imagination to keep me company?
Saboteur Freud: Indeed! Zis one appears to reflect your immaturity and lack of brain development.
Saboteur: Psht, what do you know?
Saboteur Freud: Just as much as you, you made me up after all!
SaBroTeur: Yo, I dont wanna be a buzzkill, but the dude with a monocle is TOTALLY freakin me out man. We need to get some babes up in this joint, STAT!
Saboteur: No. No babes, no long boarding, and no psychoanalysis is. This is starting to get a little messy.
And wherever there is a mess, there is one hero that is there to clean it up!
A third Saboteur clone climbs through Saboteurs window. This one is adorned in a cape and has a giant SS on his chest.
Super Saboteur, at your service. Now what villainous scum needs to be cleaned up?
Saboteur: Super Saboteur? Villainous Scum? A cape? No way did I imagine this tool
Saboteur Freud: Oh, but you did! Zis vone clearly represents your desire to be loved and hailed as a hero.
Super Saboteur: So who are we going to fight today, Saboteur? Comrade Habanaputzki? King Oogbooga? British dentistry?!
Saboteur: Uh well I have a match against Strikeforce this weekend.
Super Saboteur slumps over, disappointed by Saboteurs response.
Super Saboteur: What happened to you, Saboteur? You used to fight the AOC, and now youre fighting a washed up MMA fighter and a video game nerd?
Saboteur: Well I
Super Saboteur: You were the one to break Ty Burnas streak! You accomplished heroic feats of epic proportions! What have you done lately besides lose?
Saboteur: Hey man, dont blame me! Its all that rotten Action Saxtons fault! He's the one that let Reynolds push him into my Death Blow!
Awwww HELL no!
Saboteur turns around to see a Saboteur dressed in all black, donning an afro and gold chains, sitting at his kitchen table. The black Saboteur gets up and grabs Saboteur by the collar.
The name is Action Saboteur, biatch, and you just messed with mah boy, Action Saxton foo.
Saboteur turns to Saboteur Freud.
Saboteur Freud: Clearly you picked up an affinity for black culture in all ze time you spent vith Action Saxton.
Action Saboteur: Damn right you did, and you picked up a lot more than that! You got a tag team partner, a partner on your crazy adventures, and a cool black friend! And youre gonna throw all that away because of one bad match in the ring?
Saboteur: Well he started it.
Action Saboteur: Sucka, you better grow up, or Ima have to knock some maturity into you!
Action Saboteur raises his fist and prepares to hit Saboteur, but Super Saboteur grabs his arm and stops him.
Super Saboteur: Not so fast my darker shaded friend! Nobody punches the creator!
Super Saboteur tosses Action Saboteur across the room with ease, but Action Saboteur springs back up.
Action Saboteur: Oh its go time biatch!
Action Saboteur pulls out a pair of nun chucks and starts wildly swinging them around. SaBroTeur pulls out his cell phone and starts recording the action.
SaBroTeur: Oh dude, this is gonna get like, 2 zillion hits on YouTube!
Saboteur turns to Saboteur Freud.
Saboteur: What the hell is going on?! Why are all my imaginary friends fighting themselves?
Saboteur Freud: Ishnt it obvious Saboteur? You are in a place of inner turmoil! You were an emotional time bomb, and I fear that it just exploded. If you want to take control of zis situation, you must take control of your emotions!
Saboteur heeds Saboteur Freuds words. He takes a deep breath and suddenly, the room starts to quiet down. All his imaginary friends start to relax and eventually go back to where they started. Action Saboteur sits down at the kitchen table, Super Saboteur leans against the window, and SaBroTeur walks over to the fridge and start rummaging through it.
SaBroTeur: Yo, you got any Natty Ice in here, bro?
Saboteur: No. Theres no beer here, and I think you all should leave.
Saboteur walks over to the entrance of his apartment and holds the door open for his imaginary company. His minds creations sulk as they walk out the door.
Action Saboteur: Awww this joint sucks anyway.
SaBroTeur: Whatever bro, Im just gonna find some beer and some pussy.
Super Saboteur: It is a shame you have chosen to sulk by yourself than fight crime with me!
Saboteur Freud stops and sticks his hand out.
Saboteur Freud: Zat vill be $200 for ze session.
Saboteur pushes Saboteur Freud to the door and kicks him in the butt.
Saboteur: Get the heck out of here you nut!
Saboteurs apartment is once again empty and quiet. Saboteur takes a deep breath and sulks back to his couch, sad that he is lonely.
Saboteur: Im not lonely! Im just tired thats all!
Hey, youre not supposed to be able to talk to me! Youre breaking the 4th wall!
Saboteur: Ahhhh I dont want to talk to you anyway.
Saboteur waves his hand at the air in the general direction he imagines the narrator to be sitting. He turns over on his stomach and burries his face in the couch cushions.
Saboteur: Who needs friends anyway? I dont miss Garrett, all he ever did was ruin my fun and eat my Fruity Pebbles. And Action Saxton? More like Action Spotlight Stealer. Who needs em? Not me, thats for sure.
Saboteur: But what about your match with Saxton on Saturday?
Saboteur: Well, who let the handsome guy in?
Saboteur blushes.
Saboteur: Oh stop it you!
Saboteur: No, but seriously, I dont need Saxtons help! Ill win that match all by myself and he can stay out of my way!
Saboteur: Oh youre right, Im sure you can do it! Youre so strong and agile. I mean, you beat Ty Burna all by yourself! Youve taken out Chris K.O. and Dr. Alhazred. Who cant you beat?
Saboteur: Nobody! Theres nobody I cant beat! And Ill show Action Saxton that I can beat those two idiots without anyones help!
Saboteur laughs out loud for a while before the sad realization that hes resorted to having conversations with himself sets in.
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