There is but one airport in all of North Dakota, and despite the fact that few people will ever find themselves travelling to the Roughrider State, the North Dakota Regional Airport is a complete zoo. North Dakota may be the least visited state in the Union, but any time WZCW comes to town, the crowds will follow. Couple that with the fact that this June weekend happens to be the height of Medora Musical season, and you have the perfect recipe for a very busy airport.
Saboteur happens to be one of the tens of thousands of people at an airport built to support maybe a handful of flights each day, and just like the majority of his fellow travelers, he is waiting in line at security.
But something is different about Saboteur; the man that once locked a WZCW employee named Bob in a vending machine after taking too long to bring him animal crackers seems to have developed the patience of a saint. What is it that has brought WZCW’s most unpredictable employee such peace?
Saboteur: Oh Chelsea, who needs an airplane when you give my heart wings with which to soar above the earth. Permission to land a kiss, my dear?
Saboteur gives
Chelsea, his recently acquired military-grade Chinese sex doll, a peck on the lips. He breathes a contented sigh and snuggles up to his companion.
Saboteur: Soon you and I will be in China to attend Saxton’s swearing in ceremony as an official Kung Fu Master, and we will celebrate by eating a traditional meal of giant melon that is served after ceremonies such as this. But in the mean time, I get to enjoy the scenic North Dakota Regional Airport with the company of the most beautiful woman in the world while I recount the heroic victory Action Saxton and I achieved over Rush and Smith.
Chelsea is unresponsive, but Saboteur seems to think she is speaking to him.
Saboteur: Well that’s not how I remember it! I specifically remember Action Saxton and I winning that match!
Chelsea: …
Saboteur: A DQ win is still a win, silly goose!
Chelsea: …
Saboteur’s brow furrows, as Chelsea seems to have struck a nerve.
Saboteur: Grrr you’re right! Those two pieces of human chloroform punked us good! If I saw them right now Chelsea, you know what I’d do, I’d give ‘em one of these!
Saboteur starts throwing punches and kicks in the air, performing a maneuver that would be sure to strike fear into the hearts of his opponents. That is… until he is interrupted.
TSA Agent: Excuse me sir, please refrain from outbursts such as this one. Air travel security is very serious.
Saboteur: And who exactly are you to tell me not to show off my legendary karate skills?
TSA Agent: I’m a TSA Agent sir, and as long as you’re in this airport, I’m in charge. Are we going to have a problem?
Saboteur: Wait a second… TSA Agent? Chelsea, who are Action Saxton and I fighting again?
Chelsea: …
Saboteur: That’s what I thought. Oh Mr. TSA Agent: a word?
The TSA Agent doesn’t have a chance to respond before Saboteur punches him square in the mouth. The TSA Agent falls to the floor, only to get whacked in the stomach by a military-grade Chinese sex doll named Chelsea, whom Saboteur is no wielding as a weapon.
The people waiting on line for security cheer as Saboteur downs a much hated TSA Agent, but the fight has barely begun. Two more TSA Agents are charging at Saboteur, billyclubs drawn.
Saboteur: It looks like Grand Mystique has an army at his command. Too bad they are no match for Saboteur!
Saboteur launches himself at the charging agents and hits them with a double lariat. The two stay stay down, but yet another TSA Agent springs into action. Saboteur parries a billyclub swing and thrusts his palm into the agent’s chin, sweeps the agent’s legs, and stomps on the agent’s stomach to put him down. With four TSA Agents down, Saboteur begins to feel a sense of victory. This sense is short lived, however, as four more TSA Agents swarm Saboteur from all directions and surround him.
Saboteur: You jerks have made me and my fellow passengers feel like cattle for the last time? You’re gonna make me take my shoes off? I’ll take my shoes off… and beat you with them!
In a few quick motions Saboteur has removed his boots and tied them together to create a pair of improvised nunchucks. The TSA Agents charge at Saboteur but are quickly defeated as Saboteur swings his nunchuckboots around with the fury of a rabid raccoon. More TSA Agents pour into the battle and one after another they are put down by Saboteur and his nunchuckboots, and with each fallen TSA Agent the crowd of passengers grows louder and louder in their roaring approval for Saboteur.
Saboteur must have downed thirty or forty TSA Agents, but with each TSA Agent he defeats, two more attack. Saboteur is soon surrounded by two dozen TSA Agents, and he knows that this may be his swan song.
Saboteur: After this point you will only be allowed to have two ounces… of blood!
Saboteur swings his nunchuckboots wildly and brings a few TSA Agents down, but he is quickly tackled to the ground and handcuffed. The crowd boos the TSA Agents as they drag Saboteur and Chelsea, whom is also handcuffed, away from the security checkpoint and into the tiny office area of North Dakota Regional Airport.
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Saboteur finds himself locked alone in an interrogation room, hands cuffed behind his back, Chelsea out of sight. Saboteur, however, does not take the fight lying down, but rather sitting in a chair behind a metal table.
Saboteur: Come in here you cowards! Unhand me now and I will make your butt kicking swift and merciful! Also, why does such a small airport have so many freaking TSA agents?!
Saboteur’s cries are answered quickly as two men walk into the room.
Saboteur: More TSA goons? When is GM going to stop sending in his faceless lackeys and give me his lapdogs?
Director Connor: How did you know we were sent here by the General Manager of the TSA? You know what? It doesn’t matter. My name is Director Connor, and I’m in charge of the North Dakota Branch of the TSA. This man here is Mr. Williams, and he is our branch’s lawyer.
Saboteur: So… you’re D.C., he’s MW, and you were sent here by GM?
Director Connor: If you want to reduce us to our initials… then yes, I suppose that is correct.
Saboteur’s eyes narrow as he realizes he is now in the room with his two opponents for next week’s match.
Saboteur: Well hear this you egomaniacal tool and hopelessly blind follower, when I get out of these handcuffs, and I will get out of these handcuffs, I will beat you both so hard that you won’t be able to make it to Ascension next week!
Connor and Williams look at each other, perplexed.
Director Connor: Look, threatening us won’t help your case right now. In fact, we’re here to help you. Williams, show him the evidence.
Mr. Williams reaches from outside the room and brings in Chelsea, who has a sticker reading “EVIDENCE” stuck on across her chest.
Saboteur: How dare you objectify my girlfriend like that!
Mr. Williams: Objectify her? She IS an object!
Saboteur: So you’re part of an evil cult AND sexist?! The first part is forgivable, but I will have none of the latter sir!
Mr. Williams: She’s a Chinese Sex Doll, and from our initial tests, she is riddled with traces of mercury. This leads us to believe that your little outburst out there was the result of acute mercury poisoning. Would you agree with this assessment Mr. Saboteur?
Saboteur: Never! The only poisoning Chelsea has done to me is poisoned me with love!
Director Connor: That doesn’t even make sense.
Saboteur: You don’t make sense!
Director Connor shakes his head and pulls out a chair across the table from Saboteur. He takes a seat and lays some folders and papers out on the table.
Director Connor: Alright, I guess we’re going to have to do this the hard way. Our initial investigation tells us that you’re a professional wrestler with WZCW. Is that true?
Saboteur: Not just any wrestler, I’m one half of WZCW’s tag team champions and greatest duo in the history of the sport! But to answer your question, yes, I do wrestle for WZCW.
Director Connor: And it says here that you have been prone to violent outbursts in the past, such as this past Ascension when a routine tea party turned into a brawl with two men named Rush and Sam Smith.
Saboteur: Hey man, they started it, not me; going on about how Saxton and Saboteur are a joke and ruining professional wrestling.
Director Connor: Saxton?
Mr. Williams: I believe he means Action Saxton, sir: the actor turned professional wrestler. He and the perp are tag-team partners.
Director Connor: Oh right, he’s the fellow that made all those terrible blaxploitation movies. What was that one he did with Prince?
Saboteur: I’ll have you know he won a Blackademy Award for The Color Purple Rain!
Director Connor: And where is Action Saxton today? Why isn’t he with you now?
Saboteur: Because he’s already back in China where he is preparing for the ceremony to officially announce that he is going to be replacing Master Chop Onion as the master of Master Chop Onion’s Dojo of Kung Fu and Ninja Rehabilitation.
Director Connor: Master who?
Saboteur: Master Chop Onion? Why, he’s only the most famous Kung Fu Master with an onion for a head, duh.
Director Connor: So let me get this straight… you are a spandex clad maniac that is in a romantic relationship with a Chinese Sex Doll, and you are also tag team champions of the biggest wrestling company in North America along with a former blaxploitation actor, and your partner is currently in China where he is the guest of honor at a ceremony where he will replace a giant, humanoid onion as the master of a ridiculously named dojo?
Saboteur: Well when you say it sounds ridiculous, but yes, that’s the gist of it.
Director Connor smirks.
Director Connor: Maybe Smith and Rush are right: you are too much of a joke for the tag team championship.
Saboteur’s eyes narrow and his heartbeat speeds up. He clenches his fists and they shake in rage. Saboteur’s face turns bright red, a fact that is lost upon Director Connor and Mister Williams as they are only able to see Saboteur’s mask. But Saboteur will soon make his anger known…
Saboteur: A joke? I’ll tell you what’s a joke: two grown men taking orders from a delusional has been that hides under a mask. You think what you do is so important, that you’re saving everyone from themselves, but in reality the TSA is just a minor inconvenience that nobody takes seriously. People are happy to see Saxton and Saboteur, but when people see the TSA? They roll their eyes, shake their heads, and count down the seconds until you leave them alone and they can forget about you forever.
The room is silent for a moment as Connor, Williams, and Chelsea are all taken by surprise at Saboteur’s passionate speech.
Director Connor: … our GM doesn’t wear a mask.
Saboteur: Lies! I’m sick of your lies and your questions and all of this malarkey! I’m leaving!
Director Connor: You can’t leave, you’re under arrest!
Saboteur: No, you’re out of order!
Director Connor: That’s not what I said!
Saboteur: Well then how about you say goodnight!?
Saboteur leans back in his chair and flips the table over with his feet, slamming the metal table right into Director Connor’s face. Saboteur jumps to his feet, but he still remains handcuffed. Mr. Williams is blocking the door, but Saboteur is unintimidated. Saboteur leaps towards the door.
Saboteur: Out of my way, suit!
Mr. Williams: Connor, now!
Saboteur turns around to see Director Connor aiming a tazer right at his chest. Connor fires, but Saboteur’s lightning fast reflexes allow him to duck the shot and the tazer’s prongs plant themselves firmly in Mr. Williams chest. The lawyer convulses a few times before he falls to the ground, likely soiling himself in the process. Saboteur has no time to laugh at the hilariousness of a grown man pooping himself, though, as Director Connor is about to get back to his feet. Saboteur rushes to Connor and delivers a swift kick to the face, knocking Connor out cold.
Saboteur breathes a sigh of relief following the battle, but he knows he has to work fast to uncuff himself and get out of the interrogation room before backup arrives. Saboteur reaches into Connor’s pocket and grabs the handcuff key. Saboteur sheds his shackles, grabs Chelsea, and busts out of the interrogation room. Several TSA agents have already started running towards Saboteur, but they are no match or the speed and quickness of Saboteur. The race to the exit begins, and Saboteur leaves the agents eating his dust.
Saboteur explodes out of the exit, but finds himself surrounded by angry air travelers whose flights were delayed because of the incident that Saboteur instigated. Saboteur knows he has to play this cool, otherwise he will have to deal with a mob of angry citizens.
Saboteur: The TSA guys are in there, and they’re ripe for a beating.
The crowd roars in approval as they charge into the TSA offices, ready to repay the TSA for all the time that they have wasted with pointless security checks and privacy breaching pat downs. Saboteur pushes in the opposite direction of the crowd, desperate to flee the scene before he can be further implicated in the events that just occurred.
Saboteur soon finds himself in an all but abandoned airport, as all the passengers and TSA agents are currently embroiled in a conflict in the TSA offices.
Saboteur: Well Chelsea, we got out of that situation, but how are we going to get to China? They said that all the flights out of here are being held up because of what we did!
Chelsea: …
Saboteur: Fine, because of what I did.
Saboteur’s eyes wander briefly before he notices a
man pushing a giant cart full of packages and good, including a giant melon.
Saboteur: Excuse me sir, where are these packages and this giant melon going?
Employee: These packages here? I’m about to put them on a cargo plane to China.
Saboteur: But I thought all the planes were grounded because of that riot that I… I mean… some lunatic caused?
Employee: Nah, just commercial flights. Cargo planes are still going and leaving.
Saboteur: Hmmm… that gives me an idea. How about you give me this cart full of packages and melon in exchange for a hundred bucks?
Employee: A hundred bucks? Not worth it. I do like your little lady toy over here though…
Saboteur narrows his eyes and clenches his fists…
Chelsea: …
Saboteur: You’re right hunny, we’ve had enough violence today.
Saboteur turns to the employee.
Saboteur: How about a thousand bucks?
Employee: Deal.
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We see several packages being places on a conveyer belt leading to the back of a cargo plane. A giant melon is the last thing two cargo workers place on the conveyer belt, and there is no sign of Saboteur anywhere. The plane takes off, and this narrator gets the funny feeling that Saboteur will be making it to Action Saxton’s ceremony just in time.
