AS 125 Titus Avison vs The Beard
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Lee
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it's Supermod!
The scene opens in an office. The camera is behind the desk and facing Titus Avison. To the left you can see five posters in frames, this includes the Passion of the Pope. The voice speaks.
Voice: I've heard legends of that man who has held the EurAsian title for 807 days. You know what I think?
Titus: I'm sure I can guess. If there's anything you are James, it's to the point. So what do you think?
James: I think it's bullshit.
Titus: There's that Montana zest I was expecting. But why?
The camera turns to reveal the face of James Montana who, for the last 15 years, has been Titus' agent. Titus sighs and shakes his head.
James: The hottest celebrities 2008-2015 you were in the top 5. In 2016 you dropped to 6th and in 2017 you dropped to 8th. Where are you in 2018?
Titus: 24th.
James: Twenty freaking fourth!
Titus smiles.
James: Why are you smiling? Do you know who's 23rd? James Spader! 11Th? Melissa McCarthy! Heck even number one is Dwayne Johnson.
Titus: Are we allowed to mention him?
James: Why the frick would I not be able to mention Dwayne The Ro...
Titus: It doesn't matter. Look I'm happy.
James: You're happy? I'm not! Tell me how your wrestling's going? Yes you're on TV every week but I think that belt has made you weak!
Titus: Weak? Weak?
James: Yes your star power is waning and really it's time you embraced it once again.
Titus: Why are you so concerned about my star power? I'm the man the legends are written about. I'm the most decorated movie star of the century! I was personally invited to the Grammys something that Grammy winner Justin Cooper was not. How can you say my star is falling?
James: I'll be honest with you, I could do with the money. It's what it's about at the end of the day really isn't it?
Titus stands up out of the chair and looks at his posters. Introducing Titus Avison! Starring Academy Award winner Titus Avison! Starring two time Academy Award winner Titus Avison! Starring multiple Academy Award winner Titus!
Titus: It's about cementing a legacy.
James: Is there anyone with more of a legacy than you? I'm not just talking in Hollywood but in WZCW? I can't think of any.
Titus: Exactly. Cementing a legacy.
James: It can take 20 years to build up a legacy but seconds to destroy it. Just look at Slyfox! You need to adapt!
Titus: I'm always adapting, it's how you keep fresh.
James: Sit down.
Titus sits down at the desk. James Montana presses the buzzer on the phone on his desk.
James: Send her in.
The door opens and in steps a blonde woman, early 20's with glasses wearing a sweater.
James: Titus, this is your new assistant Rosie.
Titus: I'm fine.
Rosie looks a bit shocked at this.
Rosie: Do you want me to leave Mr. Montana?
James: Just take a seat sweetie.
Rosie sits in the corner in the couch that is sat there.
Titus: I don't need an assistant. I've managed long enough without one.
James: She's good, really good. She's a huge fan of your work and she'll make sure everything is as it should be. She's what you need to ensure your legacy is cemented. Just give her a chance.
Titus: Fine! If it gets you off my back then it can't harm to give it a go.
James: I was hoping you would say that. Rosie, come here and tell him what you've got.
Rosie stands up and picks up a remote off Montana's desk. She presses it and the lights cut off. Then a screen drops down behind the desk and a projector switches on.
Rosie: Do you know of TMZ?
Titus: Of course I do! They're the website that follow me around all the bloody time.
Rosie clicks on the remote to reveal:
Rosie: For 20 years the Titus Mile Zone have been the biggest Titus Avison fan club. They followed you when you were in Coronation Avenue all up to your WZCW debut and beyond.
Titus: Not these guys! Fans hate me.
Rosie: Wrestling fans hate you but who wants big fat guys with neck beards following you around?
Titus: Well they do smell awful!
Rosie: TMZ have strict rules. To be in TMZ you must be as Mr. Avison is and...
Titus: Please, my friends call me Titus.
Rosie: Okay Titus.
Titus: You, however, can call me Mr. Avison.
Rosie looks dejected at this but puts on a fake smile.
Rosie: You must be as Mr. Avison is and be attractive. TMZ can't be lowering the great reputation of the man they tell legends about.
Titus leans over the desk and whispers to Montana.
Titus: She's good.
James: Told ya!
Rosie: So you need to embrace TMZ and with my help we'll ensure that your WZCW appearances are as you so desire.
Rosie presses the remote and the room returns back to normal.
Titus: I like it. So we done?
James shakes his head as if to say no.
James: You know what we need? A chant! When was the last time there was a Titus chant? How about Titus is Tremendous. We could abbreviate to match your finishing TIT! TIT! TIT!
Titus: We can't chant TIT!
James: Why not?
Rosie: It's a bird. We can't chant the name of bird.
Titus: I was more thinking breasts but you know.
Rosie goes red at that.
James: So remember, I saw A Vision and that was Avison.
Titus: That was horrendous, never say that again.
James: Now get the hell outta here.
Titus stands, shakes the hand of James and leaves with Rosie.
Rosie: So how are you going to beat Beard?
Titus: With a Tit drop.
Fade to black.
Voice: I've heard legends of that man who has held the EurAsian title for 807 days. You know what I think?
Titus: I'm sure I can guess. If there's anything you are James, it's to the point. So what do you think?
James: I think it's bullshit.
Titus: There's that Montana zest I was expecting. But why?
The camera turns to reveal the face of James Montana who, for the last 15 years, has been Titus' agent. Titus sighs and shakes his head.
James: The hottest celebrities 2008-2015 you were in the top 5. In 2016 you dropped to 6th and in 2017 you dropped to 8th. Where are you in 2018?
Titus: 24th.
James: Twenty freaking fourth!
Titus smiles.
James: Why are you smiling? Do you know who's 23rd? James Spader! 11Th? Melissa McCarthy! Heck even number one is Dwayne Johnson.
Titus: Are we allowed to mention him?
James: Why the frick would I not be able to mention Dwayne The Ro...
Titus: It doesn't matter. Look I'm happy.
James: You're happy? I'm not! Tell me how your wrestling's going? Yes you're on TV every week but I think that belt has made you weak!
Titus: Weak? Weak?
James: Yes your star power is waning and really it's time you embraced it once again.
Titus: Why are you so concerned about my star power? I'm the man the legends are written about. I'm the most decorated movie star of the century! I was personally invited to the Grammys something that Grammy winner Justin Cooper was not. How can you say my star is falling?
James: I'll be honest with you, I could do with the money. It's what it's about at the end of the day really isn't it?
Titus stands up out of the chair and looks at his posters. Introducing Titus Avison! Starring Academy Award winner Titus Avison! Starring two time Academy Award winner Titus Avison! Starring multiple Academy Award winner Titus!
Titus: It's about cementing a legacy.
James: Is there anyone with more of a legacy than you? I'm not just talking in Hollywood but in WZCW? I can't think of any.
Titus: Exactly. Cementing a legacy.
James: It can take 20 years to build up a legacy but seconds to destroy it. Just look at Slyfox! You need to adapt!
Titus: I'm always adapting, it's how you keep fresh.
James: Sit down.
Titus sits down at the desk. James Montana presses the buzzer on the phone on his desk.
James: Send her in.
The door opens and in steps a blonde woman, early 20's with glasses wearing a sweater.
James: Titus, this is your new assistant Rosie.
Titus: I'm fine.
Rosie looks a bit shocked at this.
Rosie: Do you want me to leave Mr. Montana?
James: Just take a seat sweetie.
Rosie sits in the corner in the couch that is sat there.
Titus: I don't need an assistant. I've managed long enough without one.
James: She's good, really good. She's a huge fan of your work and she'll make sure everything is as it should be. She's what you need to ensure your legacy is cemented. Just give her a chance.
Titus: Fine! If it gets you off my back then it can't harm to give it a go.
James: I was hoping you would say that. Rosie, come here and tell him what you've got.
Rosie stands up and picks up a remote off Montana's desk. She presses it and the lights cut off. Then a screen drops down behind the desk and a projector switches on.
Rosie: Do you know of TMZ?
Titus: Of course I do! They're the website that follow me around all the bloody time.
Rosie clicks on the remote to reveal:
Rosie: For 20 years the Titus Mile Zone have been the biggest Titus Avison fan club. They followed you when you were in Coronation Avenue all up to your WZCW debut and beyond.
Titus: Not these guys! Fans hate me.
Rosie: Wrestling fans hate you but who wants big fat guys with neck beards following you around?
Titus: Well they do smell awful!
Rosie: TMZ have strict rules. To be in TMZ you must be as Mr. Avison is and...
Titus: Please, my friends call me Titus.
Rosie: Okay Titus.
Titus: You, however, can call me Mr. Avison.
Rosie looks dejected at this but puts on a fake smile.
Rosie: You must be as Mr. Avison is and be attractive. TMZ can't be lowering the great reputation of the man they tell legends about.
Titus leans over the desk and whispers to Montana.
Titus: She's good.
James: Told ya!
Rosie: So you need to embrace TMZ and with my help we'll ensure that your WZCW appearances are as you so desire.
Rosie presses the remote and the room returns back to normal.
Titus: I like it. So we done?
James shakes his head as if to say no.
James: You know what we need? A chant! When was the last time there was a Titus chant? How about Titus is Tremendous. We could abbreviate to match your finishing TIT! TIT! TIT!
Titus: We can't chant TIT!
James: Why not?
Rosie: It's a bird. We can't chant the name of bird.
Titus: I was more thinking breasts but you know.
Rosie goes red at that.
James: So remember, I saw A Vision and that was Avison.
Titus: That was horrendous, never say that again.
James: Now get the hell outta here.
Titus stands, shakes the hand of James and leaves with Rosie.
Rosie: So how are you going to beat Beard?
Titus: With a Tit drop.
Fade to black.
Ive heard legends of this guy.
Legends of what guy?
That guy.
The Beard points across the way at a bench that hosts a statue of Ronald McDonald. The customer in line chuckles at Beards claims
Hes the reason Americas fat, ya know.
Oh contraire my friend. America is fat because America is lazy. And is America actually fat? Like has anyone done any research. Seriously Id like to know.
The man looks on puzzled as Beard stares wide-eyed waiting for an answer. Finally the man shrugs as he approaches the counter.
Hi. Yeah. Um. Could I get the, uh, number two. Yeah lets do a number two. No pickles, extra onions. Coke to drink. Lets do medium today. Oh, yes. Also could I get a uh side of the barbecue sauce with that? Perfect. Great.
The man slides his card and steps aside, waiting for his order. Beard is next as he approaches the counter.
Could I get a big mac. No lettuce, cause I aint no rabbit. Actually make that two big macs. Im a hungry beard today. Also add an extra slice of cheese to that. Yall dont put cheese on the one patty and it weirds me out. Also lets do a twenty piece nug, no sauce. Medium vanilla milkshake. Thats my sauce. I dont care if your machine is broken, fix it and get me a shake. And lets do a medium root beer as well. Excellent.
Beard slams some cash down on the counter and slides it to the cashier, who rings it up. She slides him his change but Beard slides it back and winks. The cashier, confused, drops the change in the donation box up front.
Youre kind of an odd bird, yeah?
Who me? I guess so. But we all got to be a little odd to survive in this crazy world. Im a professional wrestler. I live and breath my gimmick. What kind of gig do you got?
Im an insurance salesman. Nothing special, but it pays the bills.
Next time you gotta make a sale, tell a joke. Ask them the difference between jelly and jam.
And that is?
Beard whispers the joke to the man, who is stunned at the punchline. He slowly grabs his order and walks out the door almost in a trance.
Hmm. His lady must not be very fun. Thats usually a hit. Anywho. You ever hear of Titus Aviason?
Beard moves his head left to right as two customers are putting ketchup into a condiment container.
Bueller? Bueller? Hellooooooo. Hellooooooo. Hellooo-
What!
Finally. A response. Titus Avison, ever hear of him?
The actor wrestler? Yeah Ive heard of him. I hear he is doing really good right now. Making a killing on the wrestling scene. Possibly the best wrestler on the planet.
Im fighting that guy in a couple of days. I totally plan on kicking his scrawny ass.
You wrestle? You?
Duh. Im The Beard. Former tag champ. Former King for a Day. Former World Champion. I walked out of the company as the world champion. Ive main evented a Kingdom Come. Ive wrestled a bear. The manliest man of pro wrestling.
Doesnt ring a bell man. Sorry. But best of luck. Maybe Titus will put you on the map.
Beard looks around dumbfounded. His eyes wander around the fast food joint. People walk in and out, not even noticing him.
Put me on the map? Me. On the map. Youre telling me Im not on the map? I am the map. Beard City USA. I am Beard City. Im gonna take Titus and rip his sorry ass off the map and put my beautiful and ever so hairy ass back on the map and you can count on that jack. Because after Ascension, you wont just remember the Alamo, youll remember The Beard. A story youll tell your childrens childrens children. I am the freaking Alamo and you will remember thy name!
And with that Beard storms out like a raging fire as the customers look almost relieved that he is gone.
That guy was weird.
Totally. And who said anything about the Alamo?
Legends of what guy?
That guy.
The Beard points across the way at a bench that hosts a statue of Ronald McDonald. The customer in line chuckles at Beards claims
Hes the reason Americas fat, ya know.
Oh contraire my friend. America is fat because America is lazy. And is America actually fat? Like has anyone done any research. Seriously Id like to know.
The man looks on puzzled as Beard stares wide-eyed waiting for an answer. Finally the man shrugs as he approaches the counter.
Hi. Yeah. Um. Could I get the, uh, number two. Yeah lets do a number two. No pickles, extra onions. Coke to drink. Lets do medium today. Oh, yes. Also could I get a uh side of the barbecue sauce with that? Perfect. Great.
The man slides his card and steps aside, waiting for his order. Beard is next as he approaches the counter.
Could I get a big mac. No lettuce, cause I aint no rabbit. Actually make that two big macs. Im a hungry beard today. Also add an extra slice of cheese to that. Yall dont put cheese on the one patty and it weirds me out. Also lets do a twenty piece nug, no sauce. Medium vanilla milkshake. Thats my sauce. I dont care if your machine is broken, fix it and get me a shake. And lets do a medium root beer as well. Excellent.
Beard slams some cash down on the counter and slides it to the cashier, who rings it up. She slides him his change but Beard slides it back and winks. The cashier, confused, drops the change in the donation box up front.
Youre kind of an odd bird, yeah?
Who me? I guess so. But we all got to be a little odd to survive in this crazy world. Im a professional wrestler. I live and breath my gimmick. What kind of gig do you got?
Im an insurance salesman. Nothing special, but it pays the bills.
Next time you gotta make a sale, tell a joke. Ask them the difference between jelly and jam.
And that is?
Beard whispers the joke to the man, who is stunned at the punchline. He slowly grabs his order and walks out the door almost in a trance.
Hmm. His lady must not be very fun. Thats usually a hit. Anywho. You ever hear of Titus Aviason?
Beard moves his head left to right as two customers are putting ketchup into a condiment container.
Bueller? Bueller? Hellooooooo. Hellooooooo. Hellooo-
What!
Finally. A response. Titus Avison, ever hear of him?
The actor wrestler? Yeah Ive heard of him. I hear he is doing really good right now. Making a killing on the wrestling scene. Possibly the best wrestler on the planet.
Im fighting that guy in a couple of days. I totally plan on kicking his scrawny ass.
You wrestle? You?
Duh. Im The Beard. Former tag champ. Former King for a Day. Former World Champion. I walked out of the company as the world champion. Ive main evented a Kingdom Come. Ive wrestled a bear. The manliest man of pro wrestling.
Doesnt ring a bell man. Sorry. But best of luck. Maybe Titus will put you on the map.
Beard looks around dumbfounded. His eyes wander around the fast food joint. People walk in and out, not even noticing him.
Put me on the map? Me. On the map. Youre telling me Im not on the map? I am the map. Beard City USA. I am Beard City. Im gonna take Titus and rip his sorry ass off the map and put my beautiful and ever so hairy ass back on the map and you can count on that jack. Because after Ascension, you wont just remember the Alamo, youll remember The Beard. A story youll tell your childrens childrens children. I am the freaking Alamo and you will remember thy name!
And with that Beard storms out like a raging fire as the customers look almost relieved that he is gone.
That guy was weird.
Totally. And who said anything about the Alamo?
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