Signal Panic, Inc. presents
Action Saxton & Saboteur [size=-3]& Krypto[/size]
in
"The Dark Fight!"
Scott's Bottom, Wyoming. A beautiful city in a beautiful state that doesn't exist. The site of such attractions as Captain Andersons House of Delicious Pancakes, Milkshakes, Rice Cakes, and Earthquakes ("We bake to wake the snake!"), a rock shaped vaguely like a stack of waffles, popular jazz band The Singing Masochists, and of course the building that dominates the skyline, Saxton Tower!
"Saboteur Tower!"
Right, of course, Saboteur Tower. This tower, set up by our heroes Action Saxton and Saboteur, serves as a base of operations, a place of peace, and a place of training. And training is exactly what our heroes are doing! Fresh off of their quest to find The Holy Mail, they have reported to their tower to test out a brand new machine inherited from a friendly dancing alien duo. Saboteur glares at the neon-pink mechanical monstrosity from under his mask as Action Saxton leans against a wall, holding a strong hand over the mouth of the duo's alien rookie, Krypto.
"So," says Saboteur. "It took as two hours and three camels, but we finally managed to assemble this thing, carry it up the stairs, dissassemble it, move it into this room, and reassemble it."
"I did tell you, sucka," pipes up Action Saxton, hand still clamped firmly over Krypto's mouth, "that we should have just put it on the roof. But no, your goofy ass insisted on the room!"
"The sun would have ruined the groovy paint job!" Saboteur protests. He continues to stare at the machine. "What is this thing supposed to do, anyway?"
"It's supposed to train us," says Saxton. "The sucka with the blue head said it was supposed to simulate a situation to help us train for any tag team match. Did you try reading the damn instruction book?"
"Nobody reads the manual! It's all in some alien language, anyway. Look!"
Saboteur hands the instruction book to Action Saxton, who takes it with his free hand, opens it, and stares.
"Damn," he says finally, "You're right! What the hell is 'Mein Luftkissenfahrzeug ist voller Aale' supposed to mean? What the hell planet is that even from?"
"Beats me," says Saboteur, as Krypto struggles from under Action Saxton's hand.
The two partners stare at the machine some more. Time passes.
"Is it plugged in?"
"I think it runs on french fries."
"Are the french fries plugged in?"
Saboteur shrugs. By this point, Krypto is pulling on Action Saxton's hands with the force of a big rig, jumping up and down and waving his limbs wildly. Action Saxton sighs and removes his hand from his rookie's face.
"What the hell do you want, sucka?" he asks, sighing.
"Well, Friend," Krypto pipes up, "I know how to make the machine work!"
The duo stare at their alien rookie, and then back to each other.
"Do you think those alien suckas are the same type of alien sucka as this alien sucka?" asks Saxton.
"I don't know," Saboteur responds. "These aliens seemed a little more funky-fresh than this one."
"Krypto! Are you funky-fresh?"
Krypto shrugs. "I don't understand what you are asking, but if you let me fix the machine..."
The two partners look at each other again. They nod, and Krypto scampers forward to examine the machine. He starts to poke and prod it, flipping switches, pressing buttons, and turning upside-down parts the right way up. Finally, a large light on the top of the machine lights up, filling the room with a blue light.
"How the hell did you do that?" asks Saxton. Krypto shrugs.
"All space technology is standardized as per the regulations of the Galactic Embassy," Krypto responds. "I am not sure why Earth is not like that. It confuses me greatly."
A short but awkward silence pervades the room. Saboteur is the one to break it.
"So, do you want to test this thing out?"
Saxton looks warily at the machine. "How will that thing know what we want to train for?"
"I inputted the data when I was making it work!" explains Krypto.
"Is it going to explode?"
"I am 99% sure it will not explode!"
"So we just walk inside this thing, and bam, we're ready to train?"
"Correct!"
The duo and Krypto glance at each other. Saxton looks at Saboteur. Saboteur looks at Saxton. They both eye Krypto with distaste. Krypto looks at the ceiling.
They nod, and step into the machine's entrance.
There is a very bright light.
There is a very loud noise.
There is a very dark darkness.
There is a very quiet quiet.
The three wrestlers stand in an infinite stretch of black, with green coding trailing across the ground. The code crawls, snakes, rises, forming vague shapes that enhance themselves into polygons, that enhance themselves into fully-textured scenery. Slowly, an entire city takes form, with our heroes and Krypto in the center of it.
Action Saxton goggles as the code snakes its way up his arm.
"What the hell is it doing to me?" he asks.
"It's trying to take over our souls and kill us!" exclaims Saboteur, tugging at his suit. "You set us up, alien! I knew we should have left you at the dump!"
"Peace," Krypto says. He is completely tranquil. "Let the machine work."
"If this thing messes up my hair, I'm throwing you into one of those buildings, sucka," grumbles Action Saxton.
The code snakes off of the trio and vanishes, and finally they can see what exactly the machine has built for them. It is a city at nighttime, a place of tall skyscrapers and bright lights. There is something foreboding about the whole thing. Not to our heroes, of course, as they are no mere men, but if a normal person were here? They'd be scared. Unless they were mass-murderers.
"Get that stupid thing off of your head!"
Action Saxton's voice breaks the silence. He is staring at Saboteur, who is now wearing a strange black cowl over his spandex, along with black body armor and a cape. Saboteur stares back, indignantly.
"Me?" he says. "What about you?"
Slowly, the two men reach up to feel the identical cowls on their heads. Their hands reach the points. They look at each other. And then, the bickering begins.
"I'm Batman."
"I'm Batman!"
"No, me!"
"No, sucka, me!"
"I'm already wearing the spandex!"
"I'm already the Dark Chocolate Knight!"
"There can't be two Batmans!"
"Batmen!"
"Can I be a Batman?" Krypto pipes up.
"NO!" the teammates yell.
They look at each other again, arms crossed. Saboteur shrugs.
"We can both be Batman," he says. "More Batmans, more Batfun, right?"
"You're right, sucka," agrees Action Saxton. "Which means our goofy alien sidekick here must be Robin."
The two turn to Krypto, who flashes them a thumbs up, dressed as he is in his red shirt, black trunks, and domino mask. The tag team members sigh and shake their heads.
"I hope he goes the way of Jason Todd."
Saxton bends down to Krypto's level.
"Listen up, sucka," he says. "You are Robin, and that means no talking, okay? Sidekicks don't have any speaking lines. Trust me on this, sucka, I am a movie star."
Krypto nods quickly. "Okay, Action Saxton!" he squeaks. "I won't talk at all! I'll be as quiet as a Zormibian Worm!"
"Good. Because we have enough to worry about without you distracting us."
Action Saxton points at the sky. Saboteur follows his finger. Krypto looks upwards as well. Shining high, barely visible in the clouds, is the silhouette of a tag team championship.
"The Saxoteur Signal!" Saboteur exclaims.
"We have to get into the Batmen-mobile!" says Saxton. The trio turns to the left to see a black 1960 Cadillac Coupe De Ville, with the Saxoteur logo spraypainted on the hood. Saxton nods. "Now that's what I'm talking about."
The trio approach the car.
"I'm driving!" says Saboteur.
"Sucka, it's my car. I'm driving."
"I want-"
"NO!"
After more squabbling, Action Saxton gets in the driver's seat, Saboteur in the passenger's seat, and Krypto in the trunk. With a flourish, Saxton puts the pedal to the metal and they speed off to the origin of the Saxoteur Signal.
They park their car on the top of a building and get out. The night casts its shadows on the roof of the building, but our heroes can see the man operating the Saxoteur signal very clearly: None other than Commissioner Garrett, who looks very pleased to see them.
"Hello, Batman," says Commissioner Garrett. "And to you too, Batman."
"And me!" pipes up Krypto, "Krypto!"
"Yes," coughs Garrett. "Krypto."
He looks Batman and Batman in the eyes.
"Batman, Batman, I need your help."
"And Krypto! And these aren't really Batman and Batman! They're really Action Saxton and Sa- MMMMF!"
Action Saxton places his hand over Krypto's mouth. "He's just playing, sucka," says Action Saxton. "Of course we're Batmen."
"Batmans!"
"What do you need help with? Ninjas robbing a bank? Gorillas gone rogue? Suckas trying to replace all soul music with calypso?"
"To be quite honest," says Garrett, "I'm not entirely sure! you see, the station received a clue, nothing too specific but it must be an evil clue, and it was this."
He holds up a red mushroom. Saboteur takes it and studies it intensely. Garrett continues.
"Our team has been working on it, but we simply aren't sure what it could possibly mean! This is why we are enlisting your help, Batman and Batman! Help us uncover the evil plot!"
"If I didn't know better," says Saboteur, "I'd say that this mushroom looked rather...super."
Action Saxton nods. "Super...like a Super Saiyan?"
"A Super Saiyan, yes, and you know what kind of person is always 'saying' things?"
"A politician!"
"Exactly!"
"And you know what kind of sucka supports politicians?" Action Saxton is getting excited now.
"The fat cats!"
"Now take that last word, spell it backwards, and drop the S."
"Tacs...Tac...Tic-Tacs! And you know who has bad breath?"
"Mixed Martial Artists have the worst breath in the world!"
The two teammates high-five each other. Garrett looks on, confused.
"That's all well and good, Batman and Batman, but what does this mean?"
Action Saxton and Saboteur turn slowly to Garrett. Saboteur draws himself up. "What it means, Garrett-"
"-is that Matt Tastic, Constantine, and Strikeforce are planning an evil plot!" pipes up Krypto. Action Saxton and Saboteur stare daggers at him. "Yay! I figured it out!"
Garrett looks shocked. He shakily points towards a building across the way.
"If what you say is true," he says, "they will be where all evil individuals call home: Kung Fu Building!"
Action Saxton and Saboteur turn to follow where he is pointing. A tall and unsurprisingly black building stretches to the sky. On it, in neon letters, are the words "KUNG FU BUILFING".
"Sucka, are you sure that's the right building?"
"Oh, my mistake."
Garrett moves his arm to the right. The tag team champions turn to look at the building to the right. It is even taller, even blacker, and the neon letters are even larger. They spell out "KUNG FU BUILDING".
"Well, suckas," says Saxton, "That is definitely Kung Fu Building."
"And we have to stop the evil plan."
The three pile into the car.
"Good luck, Batman and Batman!" calls Garrett as the three speed away. "You're going to need it."
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DAH NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
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The car pulls up to Kung Fu Building and the trio pile out.
"Those evil suckas must be at the top," says Saxton. "I've fought a lot of evil suckas, and they're always at the top."
"Good thinking," says Saboteur. "I think I might have something in my utility belt that can help us..."
He messes with his spandex in a motion that looks like he's trying to pull a plunger from his groin. A few moments later, that's exactly what he does. He hands two of the pink suction-cups to Action Saxton. Action Saxton stares at them.
"What the hell are these?"
"State of the art climbing technology!"
Saboteur places his plungers against the side of Kung Fu Building and starts making his way up. Action Saxton sighs.
"Sucka, I have a better way."
He presses a button on his own utility belt, and it dispenses a container.
"Feast your eyes, sucka!" he calls to Saboteur, who is halfway up the building. "Ground Repellent!"
The Badass Batman starts spraying the ground repellent at his feet. Immediately, he starts to lift off, keeping level with Saboteur. A tiny voice echoes to them from the ground.
"What about meeee?"
"Did you hear something?" Saboteur asks.
"Nope," Saxton replies.
The two heroes land on the roof of Kung Fu Building, Action Saxton tossing his Ground Repellent can to one side while Saboteur tosses his plungers to the other. And it is there that they stand face-to-back with four figures.
"Your time of evil scheming and dreaming is up, you shadowy suckas!" barks Action Saxton. "Turn around so we can kick your asses!"
Slowly, the first figure turns around. He is dressed in a sharp suit and a tie decorated with the stars and stripes. One half of the suit is red. The other half of the suit is blue. His face is painted much the same way.
"Expecting someone else?" says the man. "It is I! The Two-Faced Politician! And I have come to destroy you, Batman and Batman!"
"Holy ballot box!" exclaims Saboteur. "Wait..."
"Indeed!" says The Two-Faced Politician. "My tricks and lies and politicking will keep you from retaining your tag team championships, and then I will take over the world using red tape and budget cuts!"
"You jive-ass sucka!" gasps Action Saxton. "You try and get any of that red tape near me and I will use it to tie up your own ass!"
"Not if I can help it!" says the second individual, turning around. His clothes are a mish-mash of styles and fabrics, and his face is painted with every color of the rainbow. His hair is gold and stands straight up. "Prepare yourself for the wrath of The Jokester!"
"Oh, I thought you were The Question."
"I thought he was just some sucka with no fashion sense."
"Enough!" roars The Jokester. "If you do not stop talking, I will shoot you with an energy blast and take your tag team championships from you!"
"I think it would hurt more it you stabbed us with your hair."
"And it would be interesting to see which would break first," says the third individual, turning around. "His hair, or your body!"
This man is different than the first two, in that his has a black and white mask covering his head, which is perched on top of a fit and muscular body. On his hands are gloves commonly used in Mixed Martial Arts. He is barefoot.
"You foolish fools," says the masked man. "You will regret the day you ever challenged Jame to a fight! I personify brutality and skill! My fisticuffs are unmatched!"
"Is that right, sucka?" says Saxton. "Well I am a master of martial arts myself. I am floatier than an ice cube in a tub of pool noodles, quicker than a night with President Clinton, and meaner than a fat sucka trying to eat the last of his ice cream with a spork."
"Yeah!" says Saboteur. "And I'm a trained assassin! I have speed and super strength and a healing factor!"
"And together, we are Team... Team..."
"Batmans!"
"Batmen! And we're going to kick your fool asses!"
The team leaps forward to tangle with the trio of bad guys. They kick, and they punch. They slap and they chop. They bite and they headbutt. They use Bad Guy Repellent and Miniature Dinosaurs found in their trusty utility belts. At the end of the fight, The Two-Faced Politician finds himself tied up behind an air-conditioner, The Jokester is knocked out, and Jame is conveniently missing. There is only one man left. He is attired in a black and white suit, and is grotesquely fat. He waddles around, his rolls rolling and jiggling. He has a monocle in each eye.
"Hello, Batman and Batman," he says. "I am the leader of this evil group of evil."
He spreads his arms wide. Well, as wide as he can spread them, considering they're like T-Rex arms. Beads of sweat start to roll down his forehead at the effort.
"My name is Stormy Michael! But you may call me...El Penguin!"
Saboteur stares at El Penguin, silently. He starts to shake, slowly at first. Action Saxton's eyes start to widen.
"Oh hell no," he breathes. El Penguin continues.
"I am a perfect amalgamation of speed and weight! And with my penguin army by my side, nothing can stop me!"
"Penguins?" asks Saboteur, still shaking. "Did you say 'penguins'?"
"Of course I said penguins, you buffoon! They are truly-"
"PENGUINS!" screams Saboteur, unsheathing his katanas. "PENGUINS! PENGUINS! PENGUIIIIIIIIIIINS!!!!"
"Saboteur!" yells Saxton. "Save that anger for the match!"
"They said I was done with the penguins after the Roulette! They said I was done! Penguins! Penguins!"
"Batman doesn't kill!"
"I'm a better Batman than Batman!"
"And I'm getting the hell out of here!"
Action Saxton takes off down the fire escape, the screams of rage and pain echoing in his ears. On his way down, he passes Krypto.
"Mr. Saxton!" exclaims Krypto.
"No time to talk, sucka!" says Saxton, picking the alien up. "It's time to get down!"
"I am not very good at dancing."
"Not that kind of getting down, sucka! Take cover! Run your goofy-looking alien legs off!"
The two dive down the stairs, the screams and honks of flightless birds, fat villains, and spandex-clad superheroes still echoing from the top of Kung Fu Building. The two make it outside, out of breath but unscathed. After a few moments, Saboteur exits the building.
"Penguins," he spits.
Suddenly, the city begins to dissolve. The lines of code return, snaking into blackness that is falling, leaving our heroes huddled together in the infinite nothingness. Their costumes melt away, leaving them standing in their normal clothes.
There is a very bright light.
There is a very dark darkness.
There is a very loud noise.
There is a very quiet quiet.
As the trio's eyes adjust, they see that they are standing inside the groovily-painted machine. They make their way out, shielding their eyes from the fluorescent lights over head. Action Saxton leans against a wall.
"Damn, sucka," he says. "I'm exhausted. That was one hell of a training session. We were good Batmen."
"Batmans."
"And I don't know about you, sucka, but I learned a lot. I learned that we can defeat many men by working together, as we are much more of a team than some thrown-together suckas. We learned that we are better at hand-to-hand combat than some fool fighter who got kicked out of some dumbass hugging league. And I learned that when you get mad, you destroy people, buildings, and flightless birds!"
"Always the flightless birds."
"So sucka, what we need to do is channel everything we've learned on our adventures and our time as a team. We need to channel the anger and the teamwork and we need to rise up on top and we need to kick ass!"
"Strikeforce, Constantine and Tastic, and The New Church won't know what hit them!" says Saboteur, the old spark in his voice.
"Damn right!" exclaims Saxton. "We got to the top by being the two baddest suckas in wrestling, and we're going to stay on top by being the best damn team this company has to offer! Because we are team...team...Action Saxton and Saboteur!"
"And I'm Krypto!" pipes up Krypto.
"What he said! And we're going to walk into Apocalypse as the tag champs and we're going to walk out the tag champs! Can you dig it?"
Saboteur nods. Krypto bounces up and down excitedly. Saxton looks at him.
"Sucka, uh, why don't you go play inside the machine thing for a bit?"
Krypto nods excitedly and runs into the machine. Action Saxton places a heavy lead blanket over it and with Saboteur behind him leaves the room, turning off the light and locking the door. After a few moments, Krypto's voice comes out from under the covering.
"Guys?" he says.
There is a banging from inside the machine.
"Is anyone going to push the button?"
Where the hell do you come up with this stuff?
