Anderson: The following contest is scheduled for one fall…
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Anderson: One its way to the ring, weighing in at two-hundred-and-thirty pounds, from the Mechanical Mecca… S! H! I! T!
As the music plays, S.H.I.T makes its way onto the entrance ramp. It pauses for a moment, assessing the situation, then silently glides down towards the ring.
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Anderson: And his opponent, coming to us from the Suburbs, he weighs in at two-hundred-and-forty pounds… Justin Cooper!
Wax On Wax Off blares out over the speakers as Cooper strides confidentially out on stage to jeers from the crowd. He pauses, milking the reaction, before breaking into a run, diving under the bottom rope and mounting the ringpost.
Serra: The machine from Mechanical Mecca will tonight face off against the Suburbs’ own Justin Cooper.
Klamor: It brings new meaning to the question ‘where on Earth do we find these people?’
Man and machine circle as the referee calls for the bell. Immediately upon the match’s commencement S.H.I.T takes up a position in the centre of the ring, sits down with folded legs and then ceases all movement.
S.H.I.T: Entering Analysis Mode. Analysing.
Cooper looks to and from his opponent in disbelief, evidently puzzled by the unexpected turn of events. He feints towards his opponent a few times, clearly anticipating a counter which doesn’t come. Confidence buoyed, Cooper draws back his leg and delivers a stiff kick to S.H.I.T’s face. S.H.I.T is knocked backwards by the blow, but quickly rocks back to his seated position. Cooper fires off another powerful kick, but once again S.H.I.T absorbs the impact.
Klamor: What in God’s name is S.H.I.T doing?
Serra: Perhaps the machine has entered defence mode?
Klamor: It’s a man in a suit, and you don’t defend by letting your opponent kick you.
Frustrated that his kicks are not achieving the desired result, Cooper launches himself into the ropes, springing back with a running kick to the face. He keeps going on impact, bouncing off the opposite rope and catching the recovering S.H.I.T with a formidable knee strike. For a moment it looks as though S.H.I.T has gone down for the count, but as soon as Cooper attempts to initiate a pin cover S.H.I.T sits back up.
Cooper grabs an arm and attempts to Irish whip his opponent, but S.H.I.T’s seated position results in the machine simply being dragged across the mat to laughter from the crowd. Cooper curses then throws another kick for good measure.
Serra: S.H.I.T’s defensive strategy seems to be getting under Cooper’s skin.
Klamor: Letting your opponent dominate the match is not a strategy. This match has been all Justin Cooper, and as he gets angrier he’s just going to hit his opponent harder.
The same idea appears to have occurred to Cooper. He approaches his opponent, drops to one knee and begins throwing knife edge chops. Unfortunately S.H.I.T’s outer shell prevents Cooper’s chops from having the desired impact. Recognising this Cooper changes tack and starts throwing European uppercuts instead, but runs into the same problem. Frustrated, Copper jumps back to his feat and returns to throwing kicks.
Serra: S.H.I.T’s outer casing is causing Cooper problems with his signature offence.
Klamor: Someone explain to me how coming to the ring in a suit of armour isn’t against the rules?
Serra: What do you mean armour? The casing is a part of him.
Klamor: Man in a suit Becky, man in a suit.
Cooper grapples S.H.I.T around the waste and tries to elevate his adversary back to its feat, but S.H.I.T refuses to uncross his legs and Cooper is forced to slam him back to the canvas. Cooper again attempts to go for a cover, but once again S.H.I.T pulls itself upright before Cooper can press its shoulders to the mat. A mixture of jeers and chuckles emanate from the crowd, who are clearly finding amusement in Cooper’s frustration. Whereas before he revelled in their taunts, Cooper now visibly snaps. He starts throwing a blistering sequence of kicks, raining blows down upon his opponent from every angle. Again and again Cooper strikes, hitting S.H.I.T in the chest, the back, the arms and the face. The referee attempts to create distance between the two men, but Cooper is not to be deterred and he continues to strike his opponent. S.H.I.T is not righting itself any more; Cooper’s blows finally having achieved their desired effect. The machine lays supine in the middle on the ring, and Cooper switches to stomping ferociously upon its chest.
Klamor: Bang. Game over.
Finally Cooper is forced to back off, he staggers towards the ropes attempting to massage some life back into his leg.
Serra: It looks like Cooper’s leg may have seized up after throwing all those kicks.
Klamor: It doesn’t matter. S.H.I.T’s been destroyed. There’s no way he’s going to get back into...
S.H.I.T: Analysis complete.
Klamor: Wait. What was that?
Suddenly, with the speed of an uncurling snake, S.H.I.T launches itself towards Cooper, planting a shoulder into the back of his knee and sending him crashing to the mat. Slowly, still clearly groggy from the repeated impacts, S.H.I.T begins to pull itself upright. Cooper is quicker to his feat and throws a right hand, but S.H.I.T ducks the blow and scythes Cooper’s legs out from under him with a sweep. S.H.I.T grabs Cooper’s injured leg, elevates it, then begins throwing powerful European uppercuts to the back of the knee.
Klamor: I think Cooper may be suffering from more than cramp as a result of those kicks. That leg looks badly hurt.
Serra: Well if it isn’t then it may well be soon. That limb now has a bull’s-eye on it, and S.H.I.T is taking aim. Cutting edge cybernetic analysis pays off at last.
Klamor: For the last time Becky, it’s a man dressed up in a cardboard box.
Serra: Hush.
S.H.I.T drags his opponent back to a standing position, elevates him up for a scoop slam, then pauses mid move. Recalculating the situation S.H.I.T adjusts his positioning in order to slam Cooper’s legs into the ring ropes; however the brief delay is all that Cooper needs to reverse the slam into a swinging reverse DDT.
Regaining his feet Cooper launches into his triple elbow drop. However; after the first elbow he is unable to roll swiftly back to his feet, instead having to use the ropes for assistance. Deciding that staying on his feat is the sensible cause of action, Cooper grabs S.H.I.T’s legs and attempts to pull the machine into a Boston crab. Unfortunately S.H.I.T sees this coming and as Cooper attempts to turn the robot over, S.H.I.T’s arm lashes out and catches his leg, sending him tumbling forward onto the mat. S.H.I.T takes the opportunity to roll backwards, grabbing Cooper’s legs and pulling him into a Boston crab of his very own. The ring positioning is not perfect and Cooper is close to the ropes, but as he reaches out S.H.I.T releases one leg, focusing all of his strength onto Cooper’s injured limb and dragging him back into the centre of the ring.
Serra: It doesn’t look like there’s anywhere for Cooper to go, he may have to tap out right here.
Klamor: Justin Cooper is not going to tap out to a half crab from a man who considers cardboard to be formal dress attire.
Cooper is writhing about in pain but manages to get onto his back and uses his free leg to push S.H.I.T off. S.H.I.T hits Cooper with a pair of elbow drops, then goes for a third only to have Cooper roll out of the way. Cooper tries for a pin cover hoping to finish the match quickly, but S.H.I.T easily rolls a shoulder off the mat. Cooper takes advantage of his opponent’s elevated shoulder in order to grab the arm and lock in a cross arm bar. Unfortunately the state of Cooper’s leg prevents him locking the hold in tightly and S.H.I.T is able to plant his feat on the canvas and power out of the hold. Cooper tries to create some distance between him and his opponent, but S.H.I.T hones in on the leg again, delivering a violent chop to the knee.
S.H.I.T grabs his opponent by the back of the head and begins pulling him back to his feat. Cooper’s leg is no longer providing much support, and S.H.I.T has a hard time elevating him to a standing position. Suddenly, from nowhere, Cooper grabs the back of S.H.I.T’s head and pulls him face first into the canvas with a reverse STO.
Klamor: Final Verse! It’s over.
Serra: I’m not sure Cooper was able to get all of that move. He wasn’t able to sweep the leg, and he still has to get over there and make a cover.
Justin Cooper is struggling. Crucial seconds are wasted recovering his bearings. The impact of the Final Verse sent S.H.I.T tumbling to the other side of the ring, and Cooper is stuck using his one good leg to crawl slowly over to him. Meanwhile S.H.I.T has begun to make some very strange motions. His arms and legs have begun to spasm erratically and an unhealthy buzzing noise is coming from him.
Cooper stretches out his arm, desperate to just get an arm draped over his opponent. Suddenly...
S.H.I.T: Entering analalalalysis mode. ... Analys...
S.H.I.T’s words are slurred and erratic. He stammers, his tone changes in speed and pitch before fading out completely. Nevertheless he once again pulls himself into a sitting position.
Klamor: I don’t believe this.
Cooper is despondent. He slams his fist down on the canvas in frustration. Only then does he realise that S.H.I.T is no longer moving. The erratic convulsions petered out with its voice, and S.H.I.T now sits completely dormant.
Serra: Not again... it looks like S.H.I.T may have suffered a technical malfunction.
Klamor: Brain malfunction more like. What does he think he’s doing? Kooper’s Final Verse must have knocked him loopy.
Slowly, a manic gleam appears in his eyes, Cooper pulls himself over to the corner and uses the ropes to drag himself back upright. His opponent is idle, helpless, and Cooper is going to finish this match as he started it. Cooper takes his time, massaging his leg he measures S.H.I.T for another kick to the face. Cooper backs up, paws at the ground, then charges. He doesn’t even see S.H.I.T’s arm move, but there it is, flashing out to meet the punt kick with a brutal chop to the knee. The force of the collision sends S.H.I.T sprawling backwards, but Cooper is knocked head over heel to crash down on the mat, clutching his leg and screaming.
Klamor: Damn it! That idiot was playing possum.
Serra: S.H.I.T has gone through this whole fight with a masterful gameplan. All he needs to do now is capitalize.
No longer moving erratically, S.H.I.T pulls itself back to a vertical base. Slowly but purposefully it moves towards the corner and begins to climb. In a world of pain Cooper doesn’t even notice the ascent. At the last second he spies S.H.I.T atop the top rope and tries to roll out of the way, but it is too late. S.H.I.T crashes down with a frog splash. One. Two. Three.
Anderson: The winner of this match, by pinfall, S! H! I! T!
Serra: A fantastic outing by our robot friend. Congratulations S.H.I.T, a hard fought victory.
Klamor: Let’s be realistic here Becky, S.H.I.T didn’t win this match. Cooper injured his own leg throwing those kicks. S.H.I.T didn’t beat him, he beat himself.
Serra: From the look on his face I’d say that comes as small comfort to Justin Cooper right now, and I’m sure if S.H.I.T was capable of emotion he wouldn’t let your words dampen his spirits.
A face of pain and disappointment, Cooper is helped to limp out of the arena by a pair of trainers. S.H.I.T takes the time to do a slow lap of the ring as the crowd applauds his performance.
Serra: It's a great win for S.H.I.T. but Justin Cooper will be able to watch All or Nothing to see who he will face for the Mayhem title in the next round of shows which will be drawn at random.
Klamor: He's going to have to pick himself up and dust himself down but I believe that the High Society will prevail, no matter who wins on the pay-per-view!
Serra: And that's all from us on Aftershock, we can't wait for All or Nothing and that's coming up shortly!! Stay tuned!!
