AF23: The Beard/Krypto vs. Mister Alhazred/Grizzly Bob

[Viola Moonlight]

The Beard lost his tag team championship and his tag team partner in one fell swoop at Lethal Lottery, as the Bearded Gentlemen were dethroned by Saboteur and Action Saxtor. Shortly after, we received word that Le Gentleman Masque was leaving WZCW and stranding the Beard alone again. He'll try a new partner as Krypto, newly in possession of the power glove, will draw him into his epic battle against Mister Alhazred. Alhazred finds himself allied with Grizzly Bob for the night, the steak loving man of a man who's been impressing in his young career! This match is filled with unpredictable elements, we'll find out if it can hold together on WZCW Aftershock!

Deadline is Tuesday, May 28th 2013, at 11:59 P.M. (Central Time Zone)​

 

[Theo Mays]

Dear Journal,

I woke this evening in a deep sweat. Fear set in. Not a fear of failure or a fear of being alone. It was a fear that I’m unsatisfied with who I actually am. The dream wasn’t really a dream, but that of a nightmare. The room was small and dark, a muggy feeling overcoming the structure standing in the square room, much like my own. A loud, irate buzzing overcame the heavy breathing. Bees? No, it wasn’t bees. The buzzing became heavier as small particles feel to the floor in silence. The particles continued to fall at a heavier rate until the lights flickered on. In the mirror all I could see was myself, not as The Beard, but as Jasper Benson.

That was the last sight I saw before I had awoke. Emily in a deep sleep, thankfully. She shouldn’t be disturbed as she is still worried about the expected birth of our child. I had thought an anxiety attack was on the verge, but after some serious thinking and a cool glass of wine I began to calm myself. Am I really happy as The Beard? Is that who I want to be? Sure the fans love it. The Beardos are awesome and the fans, with their fake beards attached to their face make the shows worthwhile. But can’t Jasper Benson be just as over with the people? He isn’t big, bad, and bearded, but essentially it is still me minus the beard.

I’m unsure how reasonable that would be. The Beard has become a part of me, a part of who I am. It has gotten me to this place in my life. I have a beautiful wife, a child on the way, a lovely home, and I’ve been blessed with a relationship with two of the most unique people this world could bring me in Gent and Local Talent. If the Beard goes, do I go with it? It’s a life changing alteration that I may not be ready for. Until we meet again my friend, thank you for being there for me.

The Beard closes the book as he lets out a sigh of relief. Beard runs his hand through his hair, followed by a tug of his beard. The former tag team champ grabs a picture on his desk taken at Disney with Emily, Gent, and Liam. Beard cracks a small smile as he holds the picture to his chest before placing back on his desk. This follows with a glance at a picture taken with Local Talent at Dallas Stadium at last year’s Kingdom Come. Beard, a stern look on his face while Talent smiles that glistening smile. Beard points at the photo and laughs and in a feint whisper he speaks.

Good times.

You alright babe?

Emily slowly makes her way into Beard’s office as she places her hands on his shoulders. Beard grabs her hand and kisses it before addressing his bride.

I’m well dear. Just couldn’t sleep.

Does this have to deal with Gent? We all remember how things turned out when Talent left.

I’m in a better place this time. I have you and the baby, I know I’ll never be alone.

Beard places his hand on the showing stomach of Emily as he rubs his hand back and forth before standing out of his chair and hugging his wife.

Why don’t you get some rest dear, you need it? Don’t worry about me. I’ll be up shortly, I just need to do a little writing.

Beard gives Emily a kiss before she heads back to bed as Beard flops himself back in his chair, opening up his journal one last time.

Dear Journal,

Am I really in a better place like I just told Em? I’m still weak at heart and seeking out the affection of my peers. Am I respected? Why do I care? I never cared before what others thought of me and now when desperation sinks in you can’t help but think about what others think. Do they see me as a threat or am I seen as this goofy guy with a beard? Maybe I do need that rebranding life I mentioned in my previous entry. I must go before Emily begins to worry, good night sweet prince.

Beard again closes the journal again before locking it away in the top drawer of his desk. Beard leaves his office as he closes the door and makes his way up the stairs, one squeaky stair at a time. Beard gently lays in bed before rolling over and placing his arm over Emily.

Good morning love.

Hey there.

Emily caresses her head against Beard’s shoulder as he replies with a smile and a squint in his eyes as the sunlight gleams through the blinds.

How’d you sleep?

Not too bad once I got to sleep.

What kept you up?

My thoughts were racing, but it was nothing to worry about. It’s a me problem that will take some time to solve.

You know I’m always here for you. Call me at work if you need to talk, I’ll put class on hold.

Beard kisses Emily as she heads to the bathroom as Beard squirms out of bed and places a pair of slippers onto his feet as he makes his way down the stairs and into his office. Beard cracks his neck as he unlocks his top drawer and pulls out his coveted journal.

Dear Journal,

A rough night of sleep, but it is nothing I can’t handle at this point. This recurring dream of my beard slowly falling to the ground and me transforming into my former self has me worried. Jasper Benson may be my real name, but that isn’t me. That’s who I was meant to be, but The Beard is who I became and if I lose that, I lose life. Whatever I said yesterday doesn’t hold water to my actual thoughts. My beard is my life and my life is everything I have. I can thank the beard for that. I can’t thank Jasper for that. I was unhappy with life than. I was this man I didn’t want to be, I was a man my mother wanted me to do be. Unhappiness is not what I need in my life right now. I recall back to the changing point in my career and life where I realized just what I wanted to be. That stairwell of that home is where I always come back to. Whether it was waking up there after that epic celebration with Talent or sitting in the stairwell of the home in crumbles with Gent. I don’t want that place to represent what I am to become. It was once a happy place and it turned into a shell of its former self. I’m not the shell of my former self, I am the Beard, a man of fine arts and leisure’s and a man of ass kicking. That is who I am and that’s what I want to stay. It’s time for me to take off the training wheels and became a man in the wrestling industry. It’s time to unleash the beard. Peace, love, and beards.

Beard closes his book and lets out a sigh of relief before a loud crash can be heard and the window directly to the right of The Beard has shattered and Beard lets out a shrill that would make any scream queen proud. Beard takes deep breaths before regaining his composure and picking up the object that nearly took off his right ear. A glowing rock has The Beard puzzled as he pokes at it and no harm is done. Beard lifts the glowing object and around it seems to be a note of sorts. Beard unravels the note before reading it allowed.

DON’T DO IT!!!

Now if you could, please let me in.

The Beard looks around confused as he peeks through the curtains and out the windows to find the culprit of the crime. Beard slowly creeps to the door and quickly swings it open and his eyes nearly burst out of his head. It was as if he saw, well an alien.

Theeeeee Beeeeeeard!

Standing on the doorstep was none other than WZCW’s Sexual Savior of the Solar System, Krypto.

Hello new tag team partner.

Krypto at this point has made himself at home as The Beard adamantly shakes his head at Krypto’s statement.

We most certainly are not.

But it says right here in the contract. Just sign it.

Beard yanks the contract out of Krypto’s hand and sees that it is written in crayon and throws it back at the little guy. Beard storms off mumbling.

Why can’t they be normal? Instead I’m Fred Flintstone and he’s the Great Gazoo.

I can hear you tag partner.

Krypto is quick to follow suit as he shadows his new “partner”. Krypto continuously tugs at The Beard’s pant leg before Beard finally turns around and glares down at the little guy, who at this point is looking at Beard with puppy dog like eyes.

I just wanted an autograph.

Beard turns his head as Krypto holds out a crayon and the contract as he is nearly in tears. Beard sighs and grabs the paper and signs it, satisfying the little guy. Or so he thinks.

Haha! Tricked again oh bearded one. Now we are tag team partners and this here proves it. Silly human, falling for my every move.

Beard nearly snaps as he grabs Krypto by the neck and rams him into the refrigerator. Krypto is short of breath as he flails his little legs. Krypto eyes begin rolling into the back of his head as Beard doesn’t look like he is letting go, but out of nowhere Krypto nails Beard with a huge punch.

KRYPTO REACHED LEVEL 5!!!!

Krypto is breathing heavily as Beard is out cold, sprawled out across the kitchen floor. Krypto comes to as he shakes his head and sees Beard on the floor. Krypto begins to panic as he runs around the room frantically screaming.

OH MY GOD!!! I KILLED THE BEARD! THE BEARD IS DEAD! HELP! HELP! HELP!

Krypto grabs Beard’s phone out of his pocket and stares aimlessly at it.

What’s that number, what’s that number, what’s that number?

Krypto gives up hope as he throws the phone to the ground and kneels down and places his head on Beard’s chest. Krypto takes deep breaths before he goes in for CPR. Beard wakes up and immediately throws Krypto across the room.

You’re alive!

Krypto immediately hugs Beard, who shoves Krypto away.

What the hell man? Why were you making out with me? Seriously man.

I’m sorry, the power glove turned on and I panicked. Let me make it up to you.

Make it up to me? You tried to kill me!

In all honesty Beard guy, you tried to kill me first. So even stevens right?

Beard throws up his arms in frustration as he begins to pound his head into the wall as Krypto continues to talk.

Soooo, we are facing my arch nemesis Alhazred and your arch nemesis Grizzly Bob at Aftershock.

I get you and Alhazred are enemies, but Bob and I have nothing against each other.

Then why did he eliminate you from the Lottery? That’s something only an enemy would do. Certainly you have some form of disdain towards him.

It was every man. Err person. And alien for themselves. It had to be done.

Krypto nods in approval, not of Beard’s statement, but in Beard’s correction of the participants.

One request, just join me for dinner. Bring a hot date, I have one.

I can bring my wife, but I’m not sure how she would react.

You married…a racist?

Beard is taken aback by Kryto’s comment regarding his wife as he just shakes his head out of speechlessness.

I’ll go.

YAY!

Under one condition, stop creeping me out.

Deal!

Krypto throws his hand out and Beard nearly pulls him off the table with the handshake as Krypto scurries out the door as Beard facepalms and makes his way back into his office. Beard tosses the space rock up and down before placing it on his desk with his valuables as he opens up his journal. Beard licks his pen as he begins his entry.

Dear Journal,

I don’t even know where to begin. An alien, really? It’s like they are trying to test my patience. At least I can’t say my life is boring. Oh well.

 

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

The Khronicles of Krypto

Diner Dashing Disaster​

WZCW’s resident alien and proclaimed intergalactic master of love Krypto can be seen inside a local diner at a table toying and caressing the newly stolen and obtained Power Glove belonging to his nemesis Mister Alhazred. Sitting across from him at the table is Missy who is visibly hungry and confused by the alien’s behavior stemming from the events that occurred between Alhazred and Krypto at the Lethal Lottery. The pair is waiting for The Beard to return from the bathroom so they can finally order their food.

Krypto: Is it not beautiful, shiny, and…sexy? Like you my love.

The alien is of course referencing the Power Glove as he simultaneously rubs the fascinating piece of technology on his crotch while feeling on his microscopic chest.

Missy: So are we not going to talk about it?

Krypto: Talk about what? My ever increasing attractiveness and newly acquired fisting…I mean Power Glove?

Missy: No…why you and Alhazred did what you did to each other at the Lottery.

Krypto: I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.

Missy: Then let’s have a convenient flashback shall we?

Spoiler

As Krypto recovers from the mat slam, he hears the music and gets to his feet as fast as he can as Mister Alhazred walks out onto the stage, with the most serious face you can imagine. Krypto looks on at Alhazred, with the two having an epic staredown. The crowd has no idea to react to Alhazred but are interested in this altercation. Alhazred sprints down the ramp and slides into the ring, circling around the ring as does Krypto. They stop the circling as Krypto begins showing off his fighting skills; of which particular fighting style, nobody knows as it is a mixture of karate, kung fu and boxing. Alhazred, not to be out-done, performs his own fighting stance that involves a thrust or two, almost scaring Krypto. The crowd, as well as Mason, K.O & Callahan, stop what they are doing to see what is actually going on.

Cohen: I can't even...

Krypto tells Alhazred to bring it, using his longest index finger teasing the idea of a probing coming his way. Alhazred is not scared however and grabs the top of his tights, opening them up in a sexually-unappealing manner. He puts his other hand down his tights and grabs a hold of something, whipping it out of his tights! Everybody flinches at the sight as he does so, revealing his pickle.

Connor: Oh God! It's all green and greasy!

After the initial reaction has died down, it is revealed that Alhazred has actually pulled out an actual pickle, using it like a fencing competitor would. The other three men are almost frozen, watching the action that is taking place around them as Alhazred fends off the alien with his pickle and is able to corner Krypto into one of the turnbuckles. Krypto is out of options as Alhazred gets closer, tempting him with the pickle before using it to slap Krypto across the face with it. The reaction of the audience cannot be described with words.

Copeland: Did... Alhazred just slap Krypto in the face with his pickle.

Krypto wipes his face and a look of anger comes across his face, clearing the smile off Alhazred's face. Krypto smacks Alhazred's pickle out of his hand, knocking it to the outside and telling Alhazred that being slapped by another man's pickle on his planet is a huge insult. Alhazred also turns to anger as his pickle has spilled to the outside, causing the two to erupt into a massive brawl in the middle of the ring with left and rights being flung at each other as the countdown begins once more.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We cut backstage and we see that Krypto and Alhazred are trading punches with a bunch of officials trying to break them up.

Copeland: What the hell this this? Krypto and Alhazred didn't have enough each other during the match.

Cohen: Those idiots are taking up precious airtime!

Krypto is able to get a stiff uppercut into the jaw of Alhazred, which causes him to fall down onto the hallway floor. This causes the officials to scatter. Krypto then looks around for something he can use as a weapon. He spots a nearby official and swipes a tazer off of an official's belt. He grabs it and electrocutes Alhazred, who begins twitching and pelvic thrusting from the seizure. Krypto takes this time to grab onto the hand of Alhazred and yanks off his power glove! Krypto screams in joy as he runs off camera with the power glove.

Connor: What the hell did we just witness?

Krypto: Oh yeah….that happened.

Missy: So do you want to tell me what exactly is going on between you two? You said you guys were friends but between the attacking each other, the pelvic thrusting, Gloves, and pickles….

Krypto: NO PICKLES!!!!!!!!

Missy along with the entire diner is stopped in mid-sentence/action by Krypto’s sudden smashing of the table via the Power Glove. Fortunately the glove was powered up or the alien would have caused irreparable damage.

Beard: Is there a problem a here?

Krypto: No problem at all as long as Missy and every other earthling realize that from this point on no pickles shall be eaten or mentioned in this establishment.

Beard: Okay….shall we order?

Missy: Yes we shall…my name’s Missy by the way.

Beard: They call me the Beard.

Missy: I can tell.

Missy’s attitude begins to change at the arrival of the Beard, his huge muscles and facial hair draw the interest of the school girl. Meanwhile, the waiter hesitantly makes his way over to the table due to the recent disturbance.

Waiter: Um….I’m sorry but I have to ask that your child keeps his shouting to a minimum, and next we would appreciate if you wouldn’t bring your child in with that smelly costume on.

Krypto: This is not a costume and I am not their child, they’re not even in a relationship!

Missy: Well that can certainly change.

Beard: Um….

Waiter: Oh my bad, I thought this was a family outing. Let me just take your orders.

Missy: I’ll have the pasta please.

Beard: Cheese burger for me.

Krypto: Huh, I think I’ll take the human cuisine known as Sauerkraut.

Waiter: Okay, coming right up.

Beard: You realize that dish has pickle-

Krypto: I didn’t invite you here to talk about food Beard, it’s about business. Now obviously you want revenge on Grizzly Bob for eliminating you and my plan of destroying Alhazred’s life must continue so how do you suppose we achieve tag team domination this week?

Beard: For the last time I don’t have any grudge against Bob. Am I bit angry that I lost the tag team titles, my tag team partner, and was eliminated? Yes, but I refuse to let me and Bob be sucked into whatever is going between you and Alhazred.

Krypto: Do you really believe that or are you just scared of Grizzly’s manliness? Isn’t it pretty convenient Bob arrived on the scene just as you and the Masked Gentlemen began your downfall?

Beard: Watch it Krypto.

Krypto: Let me explain this to you in human lingo Beard, Bob is what’s hot and you’re unfortunately what are not. According to some *cough* Alhazred *cough* his muscles, his ruggedness, even his facial hair has surpassed your own.

Beard: Nobody in WZCW has facial hair that can surpass mine.

Missy: Your muscles and beard are fine, believe me.

Krypto: Then prove it; Alhazred knows I am now far superior than he is which is why he will hide behind Bob’s power. And even though his nor yours can match the pure strength I have in my right hand via the Power Glove you need to show Bob you are still the alpha male in this company.

Missy: I’m sure you can be the alpha male in other places too…

Beard: Look I see our food coming, let’s just all take a break and enjoy it for a bit.

Missy: I’d like to enjoy some of you…

Beard: I’m married okay! My wife just couldn't make it tonight, I thought you were dating Krypto anyway.

Krypto: Quiet Beard! I told you I was working on making it official.

Missy: Dating Krypto?! No we’re just friends, have you been telling people were dating?

Krypto: Oh look I see our food, let’s just all take a break and enjoy it for a bit.

The waiter soon arrives at the table, providing the group with their order meals. As they begin eating Krypto realizes he as accidentally taken a bite into a pickle. His face begins to contort almost like he has an allergic reaction; he spits the chewed up pickle into the hand covered by the Power Glove but it seems to half eaten remains have caused the strange piece of technology to level up a few notches.

Krypto: I said NO PICKLES!

Beard: I tried to tell you there were pickles in there.

Waiter: Is there a problem sir?

Krypto: Yes, I specifically asked for no pickles. Now take this back give me something with no pickles like the all-vegetable salad.

Waiter: Sir, you realize there is pick-

Krypto: The human saying the customer is always right is in effect in this establishment is it not?

Waiter: Sigh…yes.

Krypto: Then do not question my requests earthling.

Beard: You really don’t understand the ingredients of the food on this planet do you?

Missy: Why do you hate pickles so much anyway?

Krypto: Because their small, pudgy, and green.

Missy: So basically like you except edible.

Krypto: I hate them based on what Alhazred did to me at the Lottery, the way he disrespected and embarrassed me, slapping me with that wet, cold, disgusting abomination you humans call food. Alhazred must pay for what he did; on Aftershock I must eviscerate him with his own creation. I must pound him to bloody pieces with the Power Glove. And after Missy, we will make sweet love on top of his dead corpse.

Waiter: Well here is your vegetable salad sir.

Krypto thoroughly inspects his meal and to no one’s surprise but his own he discovers that once again pickles have been spread throughout his food. He picks them all out one by one and crushes them with the Power Glove. But the crushed pieces of the vegetable have seemed to give off a chain reaction to the Glove as it is now completed powered up to Level 5! At this point the glove is even glowing with a weird and psychedelic green. Sporadically without Krypto’s command the Power Glove hits a devastating blow right to the face of the Waiter sending him flying across the room.

Missy: Why did you do that Krypto?!

Krypto: This thing has developed a mind of his own, I can’t control it.

Two other employees of the diner check on their coworker and then proceed to apprehend Krypto but one is met with a sinister low blow to the testicles and the other a massive uppercut knocking him out cold.

Beard: Krypto you’ve got to stop, you basically crushed guy’s nuts into a thousand pieces.

Krypto: This weapon, this power, this pain, this is what Alhazred and Grizzly Bob will feel at my devastating hand soon enough.

Krypto then single handed picks up Missy by her torso with the Power Glove and runs out of the dinner to an unknown location.

Krypto: See you at Aftershock my buff, bearded, buddy!!!

Beard: What have I gotten myself into….

 

[red ass skull muhfukkah]

[YOUTUBE]JWdZEumNRmI[/YOUTUBE]​

Footsteps are barely heard over the heart wrenching lyrics of Air Supply. A light flicks on to reveal a large bathroom. There is only broken toilet to the right, a small sink to the left, with a mirror above it and a small shower stall in the far corner. As the footsteps draw closer to the shower, you can hear the sobs of a man growing louder. Suddenly a small green hand pulls open the shower curtain to reveal Mister Alhazred curled up in the corner of the shower staring at his hand and crying.

Alhazred: Don't look at me! I'm hideous!

Alhazred turns his face against the shower. He bangs his right hand against the wall. He stares at his glove-less right hand as it slowly squeaks down the shower wall and into his lap. The hand is hairy, looks to be covered in a mixture of blood and sweat, possibly other liquids as well. He grabs the wrist of the hand with his left hand and shakily brings it to his face.

Alhazred: Look at this monstrosity before you, it was once the most beautiful hand the world had ever known, but now it's DISGUSTING! I can't even look at it with out feeling the bile from the pit of my stomach start to come out of my mouth! How can I go on with such an abomination attached to my wrist?! How God?! HOOOOOOW?!! Please, God, please bring my glove back to me, I can't go back to being the pathetic worm of a man who gets stuffed into lockers and gets trash thrown on him and gets locked in the janitor's closet for an entire Christmas break! I can't God! I WILL NOT! I can't go on without it, I can't.

He sobs uncontrollably and punches the wall again, this time he shakes his hand in pain and cries even louder.

Alhazred: PAIN! I feel pain in my right hand! No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! PAIN?! I feel pain? I wouldn't have felt anything if I had my lovely glove, probably would have punched a hole through the wall! This is the final straw, I can't take any more!

He brings his hand to his face and widens his eyes.

Alhazred: I don't want to live any more!

His right hand wraps around his throat and he attempts to choke himself. He squeezes and squeezes but lacks the strength to do it. His hand releases his throat and falls to the ground. Alhazred slams his face into the palm of his hand.

Alhazred: You pathetic piece of trash! You aren't even strong enough to choke me! You call yourself a hand! You're nothing! NOTHING! I don't want you attached to me anymore! I can't have you attached to me anymore!

He sits up and smiles.

Alhazred: I know, I'll cut it off.

He stands up and clenches his right hand. He walks out of the shower and steps over the Pickle.

Alhazred: Excuse me, pickle.

He reaches behind the toilet and pulls out a bloody hand saw from behind it. He holds it in the air.

Alhazred: Aha!

He goes back into the shower and sits down. He raises the saw above his head.

Alhazred: Goodbye hand, this is for the best, know that. Say hi to Fats for me...when you're rotting in hell!

The saw comes down fast toward his hand but stops when the Pickle stands in the way.

Alhazred: Get out of the way, Pickle, I need to do this! It has to die!

Pickle shakes his head.

Pickle: You don't need to do this Alhazred, there are always other options.

Alhazred: There are no other options. This hand is not good enough to be attached to my arm. I have to kill it!

Pickle: No. You must kill Krypto.

Alhazred: I can't kill anyone, I don't have my Power Glove anymore. He stole it!

Pickle: Yes, he did didn't he? Now you must get it back.

Alhazred: I have to cut this hand off. It's not worthy of the Power Glove. If it only held on tighter when my lovely was ripped off of my hand, my glove would still with me! It's to blame for everything!

Pickle: Not it is not, Alhazred. It's a good hand, seriously. If it wasn't a good hand could it help build the Power Glove?

Alhazred: I... guess not.

Pickle: And how many people's faces got crushed when that hand was wearing the Power Glove, hmm?

Alhazred: A lot.

Pickle: Exactly. It is a swell hand, worthy of the Power Glove. Now you're going to put the saw down and let your hand go. You're going to get out of this ice cold shower you've been running for days, get some clothes on and prepare your rescue mission.

Alhazred: Rescue mission?

Pickle: We have to bring the Power Glove back to our side, bring it back around that right hand where it was meant to be. That little alien is running around sticking his green little fingers in your glove. You must crush him, Alhazred. Get your glove back and make him feel all the pain you've felt over the last few days, make him wish he never interfered with your business. Get your glove back and punch his face in until green blood coats your whole body.

Alhazred stands up.

Alhazred: You're right! I have to get my glove back, I have to destroy Krypto. I will, I can do it, I will do it.

Pickle: Then maybe you can get Missy back from him.

Alhazred: Missy is with him now?

Pickle: I...thought you knew that.

Alhazred lets out the most pathetic cry and runs back into the shower. He curls up in a ball and rocks back in forth, staring at his hand.

Alhazred: Of course she's with him, he has the Power Glove. He's everything a man can hope to be. I'm just scum, filthy filthy scum.

He sobs uncontrollably, the Pickle closes the curtain and shakes his head. He walks out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He walks down a long hallway passing several large metal doors until he reaches an elevator. He rides the elevator for a few minutes and gets off. He approaches a large door and goes through. Inside the room is a computer and large vials of liquids connected to a large cylinder tank. Pickle climbs up the computer chair and turns off the liquids. He presses a button next to the computer and the tank opens. A naked Facecrush McSpinesmasher slowly walks out.

Pickle: How are you feeling Facecrush?

Facecrush: Facecrush hungry.

Pickle: Oh I now you are but first your master has some things he needs you to do.

Facecrush: Facecrush obey Master Alhazred.

Pickle: That's right. Now your master has a tag team match this week on Aftershock against The Beard and Krypto.

Facecrush's eyes widen at the sound of Krypto's name

Pickle: Calm down, calm down. Now, your mission is simple: Crush their faces, smash their spines, and retrieve the Power Glove from Krypto. Do you understand?

Facecrush nods.

Pickle: Good. Now before the match I want you to head out to the woods and find Alhazred's partner; a man by the name Grizzly Bob. Find him and use his help to destroy all in Alhazred's path.

Pickle pushes another button and a large crate of rainbow sprinkled chocolate frosted donuts falls next to Facecrush. He devours the whole crate instantly.

Pickle: Go Facecrush. Obliterate all in the name of Alhazred.

Facecrush nods and leaps in the air, through the ceiling. The sound of ceilings crashing is heard for a couple seconds. Pickle rubs his hands together and laughs maniacally as the scene fades to black.

 

[Dirk]

???: Hush now, dear. You’ll wear yourself out like that.

Orange shimmers cut through the trees as sunset arrives at the woods. Digger is trampling in the dirt outside of Grizzly Bob’s mountain cabin. By now he is covered in dust and his usual black coat has turned brown. Some of the saliva that settled on the side of his mouth has turned to caked mud as well. Every now and again he lets out a high-pitched howl or a whimper.

???: Hush now, Digger!

Upon hearing his name, the Rottweiler turns to look at Granny Brown. She is sitting in Grizzly’s huge rocking chair, the small and frail lady dwarfed even further by the huge wooden frame surrounding her. With her elbows barely able to lean on the arm-rests, she was diligently doing her knitting, before the interruption. Her bright pink dressing gown pours over the sides of the chair, revealing her faded jeans and an old embroidered blouse that she made herself. She smiles as she sees the way Digger looks at her. His big brown eyes are more alive than they have been in quite a few days. His one ear is folded over and he is panting heavily. His jaw is relaxed, revealing something that Granny perceives to be a smile.

Granny: Oh, how they always know...

She shoots a glance at her little black scooter that occupies the vacant space left by Grizzly’s truck and sympathizes with Digger. She fixes her attention once more to her knitting resumes her muttering.

Granny: Knit one, slip one... knit one, slip one...

Granny missed “babysitting” the dog. While the patrons at her bar are always eager for a conversation, especially after they’ve been there for a while, she always goes home, late at night, to an empty house. At seventy-two, she considers herself too young for the local retirement home, but Digger’s constant, noisy presence is something she welcomed whenever Grizzly asked her to feed him. Sometimes she would excuse herself from the bar for an hour or so to do her knitting and sit in the silence of Grizzly’s cabin whenever she knew he was away. Today is one of those days.

Digger’s tail starts to wag, along with the rest of his body.

This time, Granny knows better than to hush the dog and she scans the landscape. The dirt road is hidden by trees and boulders, but a cloud of dust is rising in the distance. Granny stuffs her knitting back into her handbag and begins to shuffle down the front pathway. The red pick-up skids to a halt and a big boots gets out of it. Digger seizes this opportunity to charge at Grizzly, but before he reaches the truck, Grizzly picks him up and cradles him like a baby.

Grizzly: Who’s a dirty doggie? Yes, you are! Oh, Daddy missed you!

Digger wiggles with excitement, licking his owner’s wrist and forearm, but eventually calms down when Grizzly gives him a belly rub. The big man lets his dog down gently, but as soon as his paws hit the ground, Digger scampers off. Grizzly dusts off his hands and removes his now-dirtied red-flannel shirt, revealing his ring-gear.

Granny: I gave him a bath yesterday, but he’s been so darn restless. Did you have a good trip, child?

Grizzly: Yes, Missus Brown, thank you. And thanks for watchin’ Digger, I know he can be a handful.

Granny: No trouble at all.

Grizzly: Anyhow’s, I went and got you a li’l present for takin’ care of the old boy.

Granny: You shouldn’t have, dearie...

Grizzly: It's the least I could do.

Grizzly tosses the dirty shirt into the back of his truck, freeing up his hands. He retrieves a big, pink, sweet-smelling cardboard box.

Grizzly: Here you go, ma’am.

Granny Brown undoes the ribbon and removes the lid, revealing a massive cheesecake.

Granny: Thank you, Robbie! Eli’s Key Lime Cheesecake, all the way from Chicago! My favourite! But how did you know?

Granny’s widened eyes look even bigger behind her high-prescription glasses. The smallest of grins appears on Grizzly’s face at seeing his elderly acquaintance so overjoyed.

Grizzly: You put lime in the whiskey, in the root-beer and in the moonshine over at your bar. I have my ways.

Granny blushes slightly at this revelation and Grizzly gives her a quick wink.

Granny: Thank you, child!

She rushes up to him and gives him a gentle hug.

Granny: You know, your little doggie isn’t the only one in need of a wash.

Grizzly’s stomach bounces up and down from his bellowing laughter as he hears this.

Grizzly: I know. So if you’ll excuse me... and Granny, be safe!

She draws her gown slightly to the side, exposing her faded jeans underneath. At first Grizzly is puzzled, but a second look reveals the shiny .45 tucked into her belt. His warm expression changes to one of surprise. This time, it is Granny’s turn to chuckle as she closes her gown.

Granny: Don’t you worry about me, dear.

Granny hops onto her scooter and it hums off into the dusty road.

*****

???: WHERE IS IT?

???: Sir, I don’t know what you’re talking about!

???: THE HALL OF THE BEAR MAN!

Facecrush McSpinesmasher’s bloodied fist is held under the chin of an unsuspecting shopkeeper. The portly man’s feet swing back and forth while he is held aloft by the hulking brute. For all the blood on his body and the stench exuding from his large loincloth, Facecrush’s gorgeous blonde hair seems unaffected by his savagery. It shimmers gloriously in the very last rays of sun that illuminate the normally-quiet mountain town.

Facecrush: FACECRUSH THINK YOU HOLD OUT ON HIM! FACECRUSH WILL GIVE YOU FIVE SECONDS TO ANSWER!

Shopkeeper: Help me! Anybody! This guy is nuts!

Facecrush: NO! NO NUTS! FACECRUSH WANTS RAINBOW SPRINKLES! CHOCOLATE FROSTED, WITH RAINBOW SPRINKLES!

Shopkeeper: Huh?

Facecrush: Facecrush desires donuts. Chocolate-frosted with rainbow sprinkles. Most delicious food on planet. Then, Facecrush will go to the hall of the bear man.

Shopkeeper: You can have all the donuts I have in stock! Please, just don’t hurt me.

Facecrush puts the manager down, but hocks a great lung-oyster at him.

Facecrush: DISGUSTING! Facecrush only wants chocolate-frosted donuts with rainbow sprinkles.

The shopkeeper starts crying, pleading at Facecrush’s feet.

Shopkeeper: Yes! Yes, of course. Then we can talk about the “bear man”.

While the shopkeeper is in the back, stuffing as many of Facecrush’s favourite donuts into a large paper bag, Facecrush notices a few magazines on a counter. A few of their covers feature fashion models, female athletes and Facecrush even spots an elegant bridal magazine.
Next, he spots a wooden horse. He steps over to it and punches his fist into the horse’s face, crushing it. With three huge fingers he pokes in a neck-hole and starts to thrust at it with the contents of his loincloth.
Eventually the shopkeeper returns, only to find Facecrush mounting the poor wooden horse. Not in the traditional sense, either... Triumphantly, Facecrush faces the shopkeeper with a massive grin on his face.

Facecrush: SPLINTERS GOOD FOR STAMINA!

The shopkeeper’s bottom lip starts to quake again. His cheeks are bereft of any colour. Quietly, he pulls out a chair and sinks onto it. Facecrush completes his last few thrusts... shivers... and seats himself next to the shopkeeper.

Facecrush: So, now you tell Facecrush where the bear man is? Big, big man. Little bit taller than Facecrush. Hairy. Cooks steak.

The shopkeeper’s left eyelid starts to contract uncontrollably, in what can safely be taken for the initial stages in the forming of a permanent nervous twitch. His voice becomes squeaky and muted.

Shopkeeper: Grizzly Bob?

Facecrush: YES! Facecrush will spare you. Now tell Facecrush where Grizzly Bob lives.

Shopkeeper: Yes, yes of course...

*****

Back at his cabin, a clean-smelling and refreshed Grizzly is speaking on his telephone. Once again in his customary flannel, he is looking all the better for it. The night is chilly and some steam can even be seen rising from his still-wet hair.

Grizzly: Yeah, sure Fred, I’m sorry ‘bout that. Burn the horse, get some rest and I’ll pay for the damages in the morning...

A long pause follows, with Grizzly nodding his head.

Grizzly: Yeah, I made sure it’s open...

Grizzly freezes, flaring his nostrils and sniffing at the mountain breeze.

Grizzly: I gotta go, that’s probably him now. Please get your little lady to make you some tea. Take care, Fred.

The very second Grizzly clicks the receiver in place, a big, bare foot slices through the opening where his front door would have been. Facecrush McSpinesmasher loses his balance and lands on the cabin’s wooden floor and Grizzly closes the door behind him.

Grizzly: That’s right, stranger. I heard you’re one for kickin’ doors in. Now you better start explainin’ yourself...

Facecrush: FACECRUSH EXPLAINS HIMSELF TO NO ONE! PREPARE TO DIE, FAT MAN!

In one fluid, coordinated motion, Facecrush flies to his feet and sends his muscular, sinewy fist straight at Grizzly’s face. It is met, however, by the calloused palm of a hairy hand.

Grizzly: Not tonight, bub.

While Grizzly did manage to stop Facecrush’s punch, the sheer force behind it was enough to stagger him a little. After regaining his composure, Grizzly allowed himself a slight grin as Facecrush’s expression was one of absolute shock.

Facecrush: You... your face... it is not crushed?

Suddenly, the expression turns to joy. Facecrush laughs heartily and slaps his knee.

Facecrush: YOU ARE THE BEAR MAN, GRIZZLY BOB! Master Alhazred sent Facecrush to you.

Grizzly: Hold on, there... Who are you and what do you know about my tag partner, Alhazred?

Facecrush: Bear man... I am Facecrush McSpinesmasher. I am...

Facecrush pauses to consider his phrasing.

Facecrush: ... friend... of Alhazred.

Grizzly: Go on...

Facecrush: Bear man and Facecrush take on Beard and Krypto.

Grizzly: Alhazred’s not feelin’ well, is he?

Facecrush: After Krypto stole his Power Glove, Alhazred not feel good. Pickle told him to rest and regain energy.

Grizzly shrugs at this improbable chain of events.

Grizzly: Sounds about right...

Facecrush: Yes, Pickle told Facecrush to fight in Alhazred’s place.

Grizzly: Really? Why would you want to do that?

Facecrush: WHY? WHYYYYY? FACECRUSH McSPINESMASHER CRUSHES FACES AND SMASHES SPINES!

Grizzly chuckles and puts his hand on Facecrush’s bloody shoulder.

Grizzly: That’s good enough for me. Why don’t you spend the night? It’s late and you’ll catch a cold, dressed like that.

Facecrush: Facecrush does not want to rape you, grizzled one. Why do you offer such kindness?

At first, Grizzly is taken aback, slightly. It slowly dawns on him that Facecrush is completely serious. Grizzly scratches his head.

Grizzly: Well, for starters, it’s safer out here. I only got my cabin and my shed and there ain’t a lot to break. B’sides that, I gotta look out for you. You’re my tag partner. We got ourselves a helluva fight comin’ up! You know Krypto, right?

Facecrush: PUNY PIECE OF SHIT! FACECRUSH WILL FEED HIS BUSY, UNDERSIZED COCK TO THE CROWS!

Grizzly: Now see, right there is where you’re wrong.

Facecrush: FACECRUSH IS NOT WRONG!

Grizzly: Okay... maybe not wrong, but look at it this way – he has the glove. You gotta give him that. He won’t be as easy to beat as you think. I’ve seen what happens when bigger guys underestimate the small ‘uns and he and your Alhazred took it to each other real good. Lots of folk ‘round here said that those two stole the show.

Facecrush: WHAT OF BEARD? HE IS BIG, HE IS TOUGH, HE HAS BETTER BEARD THAN YOU...

Grizzly: That he does, that he does, but did Alhazred tell you about the Lethal Lottery match? I was the one who took him out! And not with power, but with using my head. I respect Beard a lot, but at Aftershock he's my opponent! I’m no pushover, either. In that very same lottery match, it took four other people working as a team to take me out. Four! And you...

Facecrush: YES, FACECRUSH! FACECRUSH IS ITCHING TO CRUSH FACES AND SMASH SPINES. FACECRUSH KNOWS NO FEAR! Facecrush will return to Master Alhazred now with good cheer.

Grizzly: Don’t you wanna have a lie-down first?

Facecrush: THERE IS NO TIME! FACECRUSH WILL TRAVEL NOW! We meet again as allies on the battlefield.

Facecrush punches the cabin’s door, crushing it, before sprinting off in the darkness of the night. As he runs off, birds scramble off their branches out of fear. For some time Grizzly hears barbaric shrieks and howls, before finally heading towards his bedroom. Digger, after whimpering from under the bed, emerges and leans against his owner. Grizzly gently strokes him until the animal is calm once more.

Grizzly: I know how you feel, boy...

Grizzly looks Digger straight in the eyes, smiling at him.

Grizzly: ...but I’d much rather have him in my corner than in anybody else's...