AF 25: Grizzly Bob vs. The Beard

[Kermit]

The two hairiest men in all of WZCW will be facing off against each in singles action as The Beard takes on Grizzly Bob in what should be an interesting contest. Whilst both men have been closely involved with each other recently, it is only now that these two will get the chance to compete one-on-one and truly discover whether to respect each other as competitors or begin a long-standing rivalry over which man is the manliest.

Deadline is Wednesday, June 26th 2013, at 11:59 P.M. (Central Time Zone) Soft Extensions Only.​

 

[Theo Mays]

Dear Journal,


“And he lets out a roar if you open the door. And it gives me a scare, to know he’s in there.”

-Shel Silverstein

A bit of a childish intro, no? But a “Bear in There” seems quite fitting for my next opponent, Grizzly Bob. I know what you are thinking, yes Grizzly Bob and I seem to have this “history” in our brief encounters. He eliminated me from the Lethal Lottery and he shoved me in the crowd after Facecrush had a bit of a raging problem. But there are no hard feelings between us. I respect Grizzly a lot. I plan on stealing the show at Aftershock and I know he feels the same. We are two oncoming trains and the collision could be scary, but the sight is going to be one that you can’t take your eyes off. I expect to be bedridden for a few days after this brawl and I know he will be too. Two bears charging, only one can win. He knows who he is and he knows what he wants. I can’t say the same. I like to think I know who I am and what I want and then BOOM! Something outlandish happens and draws me into some whacky road that I didn’t plan on traveling.

Take Beardette for example. I hate calling her that. Sounds hypocritical as I prefer being called Beard, but there is something about it. She escaped from the crazy carny life and found me. And now Emily and I plan on getting her back into the swing of “regular” life. First thing on the agenda, lose the carny talk. This shall go well. Until we meet again.

Ready when you are babe.

Emily shouts out to The Beard as he trots into their living area, which has been turned into a learning facility to help The Beardette relearn the English language. Beard is dressed as if he is actually teaching a class as he is doing his best Dr. Huxtable impersonation. Both Emily and Beardette let out a snicker as Beard gives them a glare demanding respect and attention.

Shall we get started? Excellent. The English language is that of a complex language, yet once mastered it is easily the most interesting and compelling language. The English language originated from the Anglo-Frisians brought to Britain through an invasion courtesy of Germany. Come the Middle Ages, the English language went through some serious changes. For example.

Beaz-oring!

The boring comment gets a nice reaction from Emily, who high fives her bearded sister-in-law. Beard is not impressed however as he frowns upon his wife and sister’s immature actions.

Like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, once the Middle Ages came around the English language-

Babe, I’m not trying to be rude but I don’t think Beardette needs a history course of the English language. She speaks English just fine.

Wheaz-at sheaz-e seaz-aid.

That. Right there. That. That’s fine English. Petunia, our pet cat speaks better English than that. Ain’t that right Petunia.

Petunia, Beard and Emily’s pet cat brushes up against Beard’s leg at the mention of her name. The oversized cat enjoys a chin scratching from Beard, who is enamored by his baby.

Petunia? Theaz-at a steaz-upid neaz-ame.

Excuse me? Petunia is a name of prestige. A name of elegance, a name of class, a name of sophistication. Shall I go on?

No!

Beard’s face becomes a flaming red as he storms out of the room and slams the door to his office. Beardette looks confused as to why her brother took everything so seriously before storming off like a ten year old child.

You’ve gotta give Beard some time dear. It’s going to take him some time to adjust.

I kneaz-ow.

It’s just he has set out to make this normal life for us and somehow the world of professional wrestling strikes a curse on us and sets us back. At least he says. I really don’t mind the entertainment to be honest. It’s a nice relief with a baby on the way.

Beardette places her hand on Emily’s showing stomach and pulls away immediately following the kick from the child.

I’m going to be an aunt?

Emily’s jaw drops as she can’t believe her ears. Beardette covers her mouth as it catches her off guard. The mood changes though as Beard’s office door swings open and Dr. HuxtaBeard returns, teaching supplies still in hand.

We’ll skip the “boring” stuff. First person personal pronouns are pretty simple and you’ll love-

Emily now gives Beard a look of disappointment and worry as Beard puts his supplies on the table and slouches down on the couch, Emily to his right and Beardette to his left.

Seaz-omething is beaz-othering you, no?

It is so SO frustrating! You don’t get it. A normal life is all I seek and being involved in the world of professional wrestling that is nearly impossible. But outside of wrestling it is not, yet I somehow have become best friends with an alien, arch rivals with a man in the woods, and attacked by an outlandish beast with a very unique sex drive and love for chocolate donuts with rainbow sprinkles. And to put the cherry on top my sister has come back into my life with a beard that rivals mine. It’s just so crazy that I just want to quit.

Qeaz-uit?

Beardette storms off running frantically, in tears. Beard and Emily look on concerned and confused. Emily goes to handle it, but Beard stops her and states that he will take care of it. Beard slowly heads up the stairs and knocks on the bathroom door as he slowly opens it and Beardette is sitting there by the toilet. Beard tries to comfort her, but she runs off and locks herself in the guest bedroom as Beard holds his head in his hand before heading into his office.

Dear Journal,

“He stood there bringing March against his thought, and yet too ready to believe the most.”

-Robert Frost

My life is that of a crazy movie. My life is insanity and it is time that I accept that fact. Everything that surrounds me is just a mess of chaos. Aliens, power gloves, giant men that love chocolate rainbow sprinkled donuts, bad mothasuckas, guys with katanas, girls fighting dudes, and my opponent the guy who lives in the woods.

Grizzly Bob is no small feat and I will have to give my all and I can’t have any distractions. I have this built up anger you could say inside me, anger that you can accredit to Grizzly Bob. A man who fears little will have no choice but to fear the beard come Aftershock 25.

Beard abruptly lifts his pen from paper as he hears a feint noise in the background. Beard slowly gets out of his chair and places his ear against the door and a quite tune can be heard. Beard seems confused as the tune sounds familiar. Beard cracks the office door and the tune get slightly louder.

Do do dodododo do do. Beard stops in his track as the carnival song continues to get louder. Beard flings the door open and a rolling ball with a clown face rolls by. Beard is startled as he attempts to dive, but the ball explodes letting out a cloud of bright red gas.

Hahahahahaha Hahaha. Ma-haha-ke it st-hahah-op!!!

Laughing gas fills the room as Beard is on the floor in stitches. Appearing in the gas are shadows of oddly dressed men with gas masks covering their panted faces. They tear through the house as Beard crawls through the gas only to be kicked in the head.

The scene is now fuzzy as the Clown burglars have a tied up and struggling Claudia in their hands. Beard is starting to come to as he reaches out his hand in an attempt to save his sister, but it is too late as the door slams shut and Beard’s head falls back to the wood floor.

 

[Dirk]

Grizzly Bob and “Big Johnny” Klamor are standing in the locker room, with the camera crew already set up. Klamor is dressed in a fine grey suit with expensive cufflinks. Bob, on the other hand, flings his last bite of spicy beef jerky in the air, catches it with his teeth and gulps it down. With a stray pod of coriander lodged in his teeth he grins at Klamor, who smirks sarcastically and backs away an inch or two.

Grizzly: Ready when you are, sir.

Johnny signals his crew with a thumbs-up and the camera’s bright red light switches on, indicating an active recording.

Klamor: Hello, viewers! This is your trusty WZCW-reporter, Johnny Klamor. With me today I have WZCW’s very own roughneck: Grizzly Bob.

He turns his attention to Grizzly, who is his usual, jovial self.

Klamor: Now, Bob, you’ve been on a roll ever since you arrived at WZCW – you picked up wins against Donny J (who you also got booted out of here); you and The Devil’s Dancer, Jimmy Flynn, stuck it to the Carnival of Carnage; you had a surprisingly strong showing at the Lethal lottery and – albeit with a little help from a giant – defeated the team of Krypto and The Beard. At Ascension 65, in your most high-profile match so far, you were outdone by our beloved little green man. What happened, Grizzly? Was it nerves? Did you lose your killer instinct?

Grizzly: Heck, no. Krypto was just too good. You see, while I may have a weight advantage of almost ANOTHER Krypto, he’s a smart feller an’ he played to his own strengths. He used his superior speed to get the drop on me and this here noggin...

He taps gently on the side of his head.

Grizzly: ...didn’t see it comin’. Folks underestimate the li’l bugger, ‘cause he’s green, but he’s wily. He gave me a good fight and as my Pappy used to say: “Ain’t no shame in losin’ to a sharper blade.” He was a lumberjack, you see...

Klamor: Speaking of blades, one of our wrestlers who certainly hasn’t put one to his face is your upcoming opponent, The Beard.

Grizzly: Yeah, ole’ Beard... He’s a good ’un, he is. Honestly, I have no ill will towards him. He’s not a dishonest, thievin’ sum’bitch like Vega, he’s not some kooky kid who hangs around with carnies like Dustin Hunter and he’s not a creepy ex-con like that Zeus-feller. He’s a hard-working man’s man, just like me.

Klamor: Funny you should say that, Grizzly. There have been certain rumours doing the rounds. Some of your detractors have said that you are actually a bad imitation of The Beard.

Grizzly is visibly shocked by this news. His smile vanishes and his bushy eyebrows form a furrow.

Grizzly: WHAT? Who said that? Is Jack Cohen at it again?

Klamor: I’m not at liberty to say. We certainly don’t want you strutting around backstage, assaulting innocent bystanders. It’s... unprofessional.

Grizzly looks at Johnny from underneath his frown and lets out a growl.

Grizzly: If don’t you want unprofesh’nal, you better gimme some answers, RIGHT NOW!

Johnny backs away, but makes no effort to hide his smugness.

Klamor: Come now, Bobby-boy, why so angry? I’m just pointing out that The Beard is more of a man than you. It’s not an insult, just an observation...

Grizzly grabs Klamor’s microphone. He is breathing heavily and his cheeks are flushed.

Grizzly: You know what, Klamor? This interview’s OVER!

He hurls the mic across the room and pulls Johnny closer by the end of his exquisite silk tie. The rest of the crew scatter, leaving the two men alone in the room.

Grizzly: You picked the WRONG day to poke the bear. Now get the hell out of here!

Without a word, Johnny decides that he’s had enough and leaves. Alone amongst the lockers, benches and towels, Grizzly vigorously stuffs his belongings into his gym bag. He starts grumbling to himself...

Grizzly: Second best... not as manly... better beard... I’ll show them!

He slings his bag over his shoulder and kicks the poor wooden door wide open. He stomps out to his rusty red truck, only to notice a strange flyer on his window:

Calling all bears:
Quarterly Bear Brotherhood Fun Day!
Tomorrow
Happy Oaks Town Hall
209 Park Drive
Greenville​

He stuffs the flyer into his shirt pocket, gets into his pick-up and drives home.

*****

As the first light shoots into the forest, a few robins chirp. The redwoods shade Grizzly’s home from most of the sunlight, but one or two lost rays enter through the dusty windows. It hits the eye of a sleeping giant – Digger – who is not one bit impressed by this rude awakening. The Rottweiler gets up and patrols the cabin, in search of food. With a few grunts he turns around, canters to Grizzly’s bed and pulls off Bob’s blanket, slobbering all over it.

Grizzly: Hello, sunshine! You got an empty belly?

Digger’s stubby little tail wags from side to side.

Grizzly gets up and fills the brand new, stainless steel doggie-dish. The pellets hit the bowl with resounding chimes.

Grizzly: Yeah, you can thank Uncle Blade for that new, shiny bowl of yours. If he didn’t convince the higher-ups to give me my fair share of the merch sales, it’d be straight back to the hubcap for us... I really should invite him over sometime.

Grizzly is amused by his dog’s feral feasting – Digger’s head is a massive blur of fur, spittle and teeth.

Grizzly: That’s my boy!

Grizzly slaps a hand on Digger’s flank, but as he does so, the crumpled piece of paper from the day before lands on the floorboards. Grizzly snatches it before Digger could lap it up as a side dish. Pensively, he looks at the flyer.

Grizzly: This shindig looks right up my alley...

*****

The attendance at the event was larger than Grizzly expected, having never heard of this so-called “Bear Brotherhood” before. Dozens of motorcycles, pick-ups and even a few semi’s were lined up in the midday sun. Inside the building were manly stands of every sort, ranging from the power tool and auto sections to a huge bar and barbeque area. After buying a few bags of extra spice beef jerky and trying his hand at the mini-golf course, Grizzly found himself at one of the pool tables. He feels a hand on his shoulder.

???: You want to go for a round? I’m buying...

Grizzly peers over his shoulder, looking at the large stranger. He isn’t as bulky as the bear man, but he is somewhat taller. He appears to be a little older as well, with strands of grey mixing in with his black moustache. His clothing suggests that he’s a biker – his leather jacket has spikes on the shoulders, his black gloves are cut off at the fingers and his head is covered by a Maltese cross bandana. Grizzly turns around and leans on his front leg, extending his arm.

???: The name’s Roy.

His arm meets Grizzly’s with a stiff handshake.

Grizzly: Pleased to meet you, I’m Grizzly.

Roy: That you are! Looks like the Bears have recruited another one.

Grizzly: Yeah, about that – what is this place?

Roy slides a coin into a pool table and racks up the balls.

Roy: The Bear Brotherhood has been around for a while. It’s pretty much what you see here: guys like us, having fun and supporting each other. Our lifestyle is giving way to the metrosexual sissy-boys of today.

Grizzly: I hear that!

Grizzly plants his left hand on the green mat and breaks the triangle. He sinks one, then two or three more, but the game doesn’t last long. With the skill and confidence ingrained by decades of playing the game, Roy finishes up – Grizzly never even got a second turn. He nods at Roy, grinning.

Grizzly: Damn! You sure know your way around that stick!

Roy: You have no idea... But it looks like I’m fresh out of quarters. Let’s head to my place, we can play for free. You ever ride on a Harley?

Grizzly: Always wanted to...

Roy: Then today’s your lucky day. I brought a spare helmet.

*****

The bike nearly lifts a foot when the two men climb off it.

Roy: Welcome to my castle!

The house is surrounded by a well-kept lawn. Grizzly spots a workshop to the side of the yard with auto parts strewn all over.

Grizzly: You in the auto trade?

Roy: I run a little company – hazardous waste disposal, it pays the bills. I just like to screw around with cars and bikes.

They head straight to Roy’s den.

Grizzly: Nice little man-cave you got here...

The wooden bar is beautifully carved, with elaborate patterns inlayed. A flat-screen TV is mounted in a top corner and Roy switches it to some college football. Finally, Roy removes the sheet from his pool table and hands Grizzly a cue. Much to Grizzly’s disappointment, Roy doesn’t even give him a chance to play.

Grizzly: Damn show-off...

Roy: Tell me something... Are you seeing anyone at the moment?

Grizzly: No, not at all. Why you askin’?

Roy moves closer to Grizzly and puts his arm around him.

Roy: Guys like us have to stick together.

He moves his hand a little lower, resting it on Grizzly’s hip.

Roy: In fact, I think you and I could do a little “sticking” of our own.

He takes a deep breath and tucks his hand in at the back of Grizzly’s trousers. Wide-eyed, Grizzly spins around and backhands Roy across the face.

[size=+2]WHACK![/size]

Grizzly: What the HELL do you take me for?

Grizzly’s shock has turned to anger and he glares at Roy, his teeth showing. Roy, who is still rubbing his cheek, gets up and stares at him, quizzically.

Roy: Okay, I’m confused.

Grizzly: That makes two of us, bub!

Roy: You meet me at the event, which is a well-known hook-up spot, come to my house, then you hit me?

Grizzly: You mean you’re a...?

Roy: A “bear”, yes.

Grizzly: What do you mean by that?

Despite nursing his now-scarlet face, Roy chuckles and shakes his head.

Roy: Look, there’s a certain type of man, a “bear”, who likes other men. Skinny bears are called “otters” and older, more aggressive men are called “wolves”. You didn’t wonder why there were no women or children at the fair?

Grizzly sits down with his hands in his hair, realizing what had actually happened in the last hour. Eventually, he starts smirking about the situation too.

Grizzly: Being a man’s not that clear-cut anymore. I guess I had an old-fashioned view of what I thought gay guys would be like. Excuse me, it’s a lot to take in...

Grizzly leans his weight against the bar and breathes in slowly and deeply. After a few moments, Grizzly turns to Roy. This time, he is visibly relaxed.

Grizzly: Bud... I’m sorry if I lead you on.

Roy: Hey man, it's one of those things - forget it. I can take you back now, if you want.

Grizzly: We’re having fun, so why the rush? One more round, I’ll even let you win!

Grizzly and Roy chalk their cues and start playing. They swap stories, laugh and discuss the football. Eventually, Roy gives his new friend a lift to his truck. That evening, when Grizzly would sit in his rocking-hair, he would understand manhood in a whole new light.[/i]