It's baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
9:00 - We get a recap of Sting's descent into madness. Charlie Sheen is pissed that someone stole his gimmick.
9:02 - Immortal has signed up Scott Steiner. Stevie Ray is getting excited for his invitation.
9:04 - "I just don't get how someone who used to be so great could become such a coward." Hulk, this is no time for self-reflection. You've got Sting to worry about!
9:06 - Oh no! Hogan's recruiting Anderson now. Bryan Adams' hopes have been crushed.
9:08 - If Sting's the hood ornament of Impact Wrestling, I guess that makes Robbie E the dipstick? Maybe not, but Orlando Jordan's definitely the tailpipe.
9:13 - Someone needs to tell Sting that Hogan changed his three rules a while back. It's now, "Win Your Lawsuits, Pray for Paychecks, and Wear Stupid Fucking Glasses."
9:16 - "Our paths have never crossed." That's very true, Ray. And it's because you've never Main Evented.
9:18 - Your Main Event tonight... Sting vs. Scott Steiner. But coming up, it's Hector Garza vs El Dandy. Cruiserweight action, NEXT ON NITRO!!!
[ COMMERCIALS ]
9:24 - "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the most important night in this company's history."
9:25 - Sorry, had to snap out of Schiavone Mode. I'm good now.
9:26 - I almost made an affirmative action joke about Devon being in the Bound for Glory Series, but then I remembered The Pope. Dammit.
9:29 - "DE-VON, DE-VON" chant from the crowd instead of "JOE'S GONNA KILL YOU." Clearest sign ever that Joe needs a different direction.
9:31 - Good thing Devon got those seven points. Can he redeem them now for a free hotel night?
9:33 - Did Sting/Steiner ever have a rivalry? Maybe that was the NWO Sting?
9:34 - "Joe, Kaz... act like you hate each other. Quick! YOU DON'T NEED A FUCKING REASON! JUST YELL AND MAKE BAD SARCASTIC COMMENTS!"
9:37 - Taz just said, "I know Jimmy Yang." Try using that line to get into a nightclub.
9:38 - Low-Ki won this match the minute he entered the ring. He's TNA royalty.
9:40 - The old sit-down headlock. That's X-Division action for ya!
9:43 - Imagine how much more air Yang could get if he wasn't wearing a giant baggy costume. Something to consider, Jimmy.
9:44 - "Yang Time" sounds like something you should do privately, or with a consenting partner.
9:48 - So Angelina's not a zombie anymore. Is she really Winter's buddy, or is this an act? And an even bigger question... do I actually give a shit?
[ COMMERCIALS ]
9:52 - So I was zipping through commercials and saw what looked like a bar fight. I assume it was a replay of the Crimson/Joe barfight we saw just a few weeks ago. But then I stopped and saw it was a new barfight involving Joe and Kaz. Seriously?
9:54 - Hogan has "35 years of hate and evil" to unload. "Mr Nanny" and "Thunder in Paradise" weren't THAT bad, Terry.
9:57 - Engage Knockout Match fast-forwarding.
10:05 - In the history of angles that I've hated, this Winter/Angelina one is going to have its own chapter.
10:06 - Gunner sounds like an oversized Jamie Knoble. He could totally pull off a white trash gimmick.
[ COMMERCIALS ]
10:12 - When you have limited commercials and lots of time to fill, what better than a useless contract signing segment? Don't laugh; you're lucky it wasn't a 20-minute Bishoff promo.
10:15 - Heartfelt hugging; that's why we watch wrestling!
10:16 - Jerry Lynn! Somebody just marked out. Not me, but somebody.
10:18 - RVD! Now I'm... wait... nope, still not intrigued.
10:20 - Styles vs. Daniels and RVD vs Lynn = "Greatest PPV Ever?" Looks like my Schiavone Mode has been hijacked.
10:22 - Whoah! Creepy fan w/ Joker facepaint. How many other serial killers are in the crowd right now?
10:24 - "Ring the bell, Earl!" Somewhere, Bret Hart's eye just twitched.
10:27 - You really have to give IW credit for how they've turned Gunner around. He was dead weight two months ago and now he's a believable contender putting on a great match against The Phenomenal One. I'd even argue they've done a better job with him than Crimson.
10:29 - Gunner has pinned Anderson, Sting, and Styles within the last 4-5 weeks. Yikes!
[ COMMERCIALS ]
10:35 - Yes Velvet, tell us about your awful childhood. I remember the way the hot girls always suffered in my school.
10:38 - It's appropriate that Mexican America segments are often a bathroom break for the live crowd. Who do you think cleans that bathroom?
10:41 - Just by interrupting Anarquia, the British Invasion instantly turned face.
10:44 - It's a damn shame Magnus hasn't done more the last few years. He's got the chops.
10:45 - Rob Terry wasn't released?
10:47 - I thought I heard Karen fully recovered from her fall. What happened to her face?
10:48 - I don't even want to imagine the kind of porn Abyss looks at. Don't leave him alone, guys, or it'll be "Yang Time" in that locker room.
10:52 - Ah yes, this match takes me back to all those great Sting/Steiner wars we witnessed in the 90s. However, they all paled in comparison to those epic Flair/Vampiro battles.
10:58 - If Sting is ripping off The Joker right now, then Hogan's ripping off "Grumpy Old Men."
10:59 - Wait, Kurt Angle? You mean you're going to involve your most marketable star in a worthwhile angle? GET OUTTA HERE!!
Alright sports fans, that's it for this week. For all my jokes and sarcasm, let me be clear that I'm enjoying this product right now about as much as I ever have. The energy and flow has changed and the momentum keeps building througout the night. We've waited a long time to see signs of improvement, and now we're gettin them. Peasants, rejoice!
9:00 - We get a recap of Sting's descent into madness. Charlie Sheen is pissed that someone stole his gimmick.
9:02 - Immortal has signed up Scott Steiner. Stevie Ray is getting excited for his invitation.
9:04 - "I just don't get how someone who used to be so great could become such a coward." Hulk, this is no time for self-reflection. You've got Sting to worry about!
9:06 - Oh no! Hogan's recruiting Anderson now. Bryan Adams' hopes have been crushed.
9:08 - If Sting's the hood ornament of Impact Wrestling, I guess that makes Robbie E the dipstick? Maybe not, but Orlando Jordan's definitely the tailpipe.
9:13 - Someone needs to tell Sting that Hogan changed his three rules a while back. It's now, "Win Your Lawsuits, Pray for Paychecks, and Wear Stupid Fucking Glasses."
9:16 - "Our paths have never crossed." That's very true, Ray. And it's because you've never Main Evented.
9:18 - Your Main Event tonight... Sting vs. Scott Steiner. But coming up, it's Hector Garza vs El Dandy. Cruiserweight action, NEXT ON NITRO!!!
[ COMMERCIALS ]
9:24 - "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the most important night in this company's history."
9:25 - Sorry, had to snap out of Schiavone Mode. I'm good now.
9:26 - I almost made an affirmative action joke about Devon being in the Bound for Glory Series, but then I remembered The Pope. Dammit.
9:29 - "DE-VON, DE-VON" chant from the crowd instead of "JOE'S GONNA KILL YOU." Clearest sign ever that Joe needs a different direction.
9:31 - Good thing Devon got those seven points. Can he redeem them now for a free hotel night?
9:33 - Did Sting/Steiner ever have a rivalry? Maybe that was the NWO Sting?
9:34 - "Joe, Kaz... act like you hate each other. Quick! YOU DON'T NEED A FUCKING REASON! JUST YELL AND MAKE BAD SARCASTIC COMMENTS!"
9:37 - Taz just said, "I know Jimmy Yang." Try using that line to get into a nightclub.
9:38 - Low-Ki won this match the minute he entered the ring. He's TNA royalty.
9:40 - The old sit-down headlock. That's X-Division action for ya!
9:43 - Imagine how much more air Yang could get if he wasn't wearing a giant baggy costume. Something to consider, Jimmy.
9:44 - "Yang Time" sounds like something you should do privately, or with a consenting partner.
9:48 - So Angelina's not a zombie anymore. Is she really Winter's buddy, or is this an act? And an even bigger question... do I actually give a shit?
[ COMMERCIALS ]
9:52 - So I was zipping through commercials and saw what looked like a bar fight. I assume it was a replay of the Crimson/Joe barfight we saw just a few weeks ago. But then I stopped and saw it was a new barfight involving Joe and Kaz. Seriously?
9:54 - Hogan has "35 years of hate and evil" to unload. "Mr Nanny" and "Thunder in Paradise" weren't THAT bad, Terry.
9:57 - Engage Knockout Match fast-forwarding.
10:05 - In the history of angles that I've hated, this Winter/Angelina one is going to have its own chapter.
10:06 - Gunner sounds like an oversized Jamie Knoble. He could totally pull off a white trash gimmick.
[ COMMERCIALS ]
10:12 - When you have limited commercials and lots of time to fill, what better than a useless contract signing segment? Don't laugh; you're lucky it wasn't a 20-minute Bishoff promo.
10:15 - Heartfelt hugging; that's why we watch wrestling!
10:16 - Jerry Lynn! Somebody just marked out. Not me, but somebody.
10:18 - RVD! Now I'm... wait... nope, still not intrigued.
10:20 - Styles vs. Daniels and RVD vs Lynn = "Greatest PPV Ever?" Looks like my Schiavone Mode has been hijacked.
10:22 - Whoah! Creepy fan w/ Joker facepaint. How many other serial killers are in the crowd right now?
10:24 - "Ring the bell, Earl!" Somewhere, Bret Hart's eye just twitched.
10:27 - You really have to give IW credit for how they've turned Gunner around. He was dead weight two months ago and now he's a believable contender putting on a great match against The Phenomenal One. I'd even argue they've done a better job with him than Crimson.
10:29 - Gunner has pinned Anderson, Sting, and Styles within the last 4-5 weeks. Yikes!
[ COMMERCIALS ]
10:35 - Yes Velvet, tell us about your awful childhood. I remember the way the hot girls always suffered in my school.
10:38 - It's appropriate that Mexican America segments are often a bathroom break for the live crowd. Who do you think cleans that bathroom?
10:41 - Just by interrupting Anarquia, the British Invasion instantly turned face.
10:44 - It's a damn shame Magnus hasn't done more the last few years. He's got the chops.
10:45 - Rob Terry wasn't released?
10:47 - I thought I heard Karen fully recovered from her fall. What happened to her face?
10:48 - I don't even want to imagine the kind of porn Abyss looks at. Don't leave him alone, guys, or it'll be "Yang Time" in that locker room.
10:52 - Ah yes, this match takes me back to all those great Sting/Steiner wars we witnessed in the 90s. However, they all paled in comparison to those epic Flair/Vampiro battles.
10:58 - If Sting is ripping off The Joker right now, then Hogan's ripping off "Grumpy Old Men."
10:59 - Wait, Kurt Angle? You mean you're going to involve your most marketable star in a worthwhile angle? GET OUTTA HERE!!
Alright sports fans, that's it for this week. For all my jokes and sarcasm, let me be clear that I'm enjoying this product right now about as much as I ever have. The energy and flow has changed and the momentum keeps building througout the night. We've waited a long time to see signs of improvement, and now we're gettin them. Peasants, rejoice!